As you may have heard, UBS announced last week that it’d lost about $2 billion, a ballpark figure that the bank said today is actually closer to $2.3B. Separately, you may have also heard that the past several years? Have not been the best of times for the Union Bank of Switzerland, which has been plagued by layoffs, shitty bonuses, and mandates where, for instance, employees have been forced to run out and buy ties and then told “nevermind, you don’t need them” after it’s too late to make a return for anything but store credit. The news that a rogue trader named Kweku Adoboli had racked up a loss massive enough to potentially wipe out third quarter profits would be viewed by most as the latest kick in the pants for the Swiss bank, and presumably not something management would be pleased to hear. Or would they? According to one analyst, Adoboli may have just solved their problems.
“UBS wants to downsize its investment banking unit anyway and they were never going to pay big bonuses for 2011 in the first place,” Dirk Becker, a Frankfurt-based analyst at Kepler Capital Markets, said by phone. “With this trading loss there is now very good justification not to do so.”
Funny how all the talk re: Adoboli is about him royally screwing UBS when maybe it should be about how he so obviously helped them out of a bind. They were going to fire a bunch of people and issue zero dollar bonuses anyway and now, a lot of the heat will be taken off them for doing so. You guys in Zurich can feel free to start thanking him at any time (verbally and via Edible Arrangements).
UBS Bonuses At Risk After $2.3 Billion Loss [Bloomberg]
Turn those machines back on! Turn those machines back on!
Downsizing operations via trading losses is the NKI
-UBS MD
Margin Call!……. ah shit
Kweku
You are not ever welcome at our establishment.
Beamer's Marketing
9/16 was an inside job. Wake up, sheeple!
I like Edible Arrangements. Any suggestions Bess, if Adoboli should get a basket with the chocolate dipped fruit or not?
UBS is on to something here. We're going to eliminate all 401(k) matches this year b/c one employee did something he wasn't supposed to do (even if it was just stealing a fellow employee's hot pockets out of the breakroom freezer).
-ACME Corp. Director of HR and hot pocket connoisseur
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
— Sharron Angle
Candidate (former), US Senate, NV
Candidate (current), UBS spokesperson/mascot
Four legs good, UBS bad!
Adoboliiiii…….Adoboli Adoboli Adoboli!
what's a bonus?
$hit. It's only Monday. It is UBS we're talking about here! By the end of the week the title will be fixed, thus:
" Bonus/Layoffs Watch ’11: UBS Failing To See The Considerable Upside To $23 Billion Loss, Says Analyst "
- UBS Portfolio Performance Quant
UBS will have a wildly profitable and successful 2012.
- H Camping
Losing $2.3B is the new killing it, at UBS.
What we need is a new beginning. Gentlemen, I give you
UBS & Wollenski
- Oswald Gruebel
was that actually a UBS Quant posting ^^ (2.3 changed to 23 BB in the blink of an eye, good work)
I hope Bryan Moynihan doesn't get any ideas with his favorite/replaceable traders.
Oswald is a huge Life of Brian fan
I wonder if I can sell my recently purchased Civic for any where close to KBB value? UBS 3rd year trader.
2..3 now uh ? Are they out ? Yet to see a description of the swap. Ft hinted at in weekend.
The silver lining is that we were actually going to get a bonus before this happened. To me, that's progress.
- UBS Senior Manager
Stamford, CT – Former tagline (true) "The City that works", new tagline (proposed) "The new home of Jerry Springer and other trash – UBS & RBS"
What does the love child of Kanye West and Wyclef Jean have to do with this?
- Guy who thinks people photographed not once, but twice with a popped collar should be beaten mercilessly
Though I hate to give them credit, UBS was No.1 in Asia M&A advisory in 2010 from the WSJ scorecard. If I were in that group, had a title at or above Associate-1, and didn't get a bonus cause of some creep in trading, then I'd probably pull a shit walk like that Merrill Lynch fixed-income research employee did back in 08.
If I were in the Stamford office and reading this news, I'd go to the crabshell while the weather still permits and party like a UBS Executive i.e down pitchers of Icehouse, and chain Newport cigarettes while reminiscing about closing that huge $200k Reg D private placement in some dog private company and how I 'totally killed it' by recommending an RTO into some over leveraged public shell that made me $10k and bankrupted the company and investors.
What does any of this have to do with Dwayne Wade?
Bonus? Bonus? Playoffs? Playoffs? You kidding me????
Caribbean queen
Now we're sharing the same dream
And our hearts they beat as one
No more love on the run
fuck you for getting that song in my head
You know who's the big winner in all this? Warburg. That guy got off the ship right on time.
Much better call.
Kweku-
You executed our plan perfectly. We should be able to acquire that Stamford building for next to nothing.
Well done.
Costco Real Estate Manager
Yawn!
Dillon Read.
I'm an idiot.
-Stamford Mayor
Popped collar > Twizzlers > Beach bonnet
When life hands you lemons, you say 'fuck those lemons' and bail
I see what you did there…
"Do you really want some more cocaine?" Dr. Stubbs asked.
"It's for my friend Adoboli. He's sure he's going to be killed."
"Adoboli? Who the hell is Adoboli? What the hell kind of a name is Adoboli, anyway? Isn't he the one who got drunk and started that fight with C.E. Officer Gruebel at the officer's club the other night?"
"That's right. He's Ghanaian."
"That crazy bastard."
"He's not so crazy," Dunbar said. "He swears he's not going to fly to Zurich."
"That's just what I mean," Dr. Stubbs answered. "That crazy bastard may be the only sane one left."
I dont.
- Confused
UBS sucks!
the UBS announcement is a bit vague with the actual positions- but a couple thoughts:
Brownian driver => complete model
One can achieve a near-perfect replication by delta hedging. One has to hedge outside of (or against) the model: i.e. hedge against volatility perturbations. This leads to a decomposition of Vega across strikes and maturities. Also, local volatilities are forward values that can be locked.
"win the superbowl and drive off in a hyundai"
-song the UBS people are playing right now as their dreams of upgrading cars at the end of the year just went up in smoke
Where the white women at ??
Except one thing, they didn't win the superbowl. They suck giant black man balls.
um, along with Deutsche, doesn't UBS have the best Currency Trading franchise in the world?
We thought we did………………………….
UBS Forex Sales MD
The suit and tie requirement was rescinded? I've been dressing like a douche for months for nothing. FMIT goat ass.
You'll probably be disappointed with the bananas….. chocolate covered that is….
The propped up collar is a give away of the wannabe attitude of this dumb fuck. In UK, propped collar is the arrogance attibuted to Oxford and Cambridge graduates and clearly this guy always wanted to be something he wasnt. I hope they buttfuck him every 10 minutes. It is sad to see how hard many people I know in UBS have been working under the constant threat of recession making them redundant and just when you think you have closed the cash register for the quarter, in come Mr. Dumbfuck.
Why would you wish anal rape on someone who committed a non-violent crime? There are no real victims anyway- it is less than one quarter of earnings and UBS still remains one of world's strongest, best-capitalized banks.
Don't feel sorry for the people of UBS IB- they each earned $450,000 on average last year. Not exactly the sort of people working two shifts at McDonalds to make ends meet.
haha – no. they have been svcking for many years now.
Kweku's Mom?
Bonus for what anyway? Stop the joke… it's about time… think about your friends with real jobs and acountability, how much do they make?
Please send me a cake. With a file in it.
but at least I have Jerry Springer! He fits in nicely in the Stamford atmosphere
about $450,000 on average last year
UBS sucks
I can't believe karsten kengeter still has a job