• 22 Sep 2011 at 10:46 AM
  • Pets

Golden Retriever Latest Victim Of Insider Trading Crackdown

Back in June, the lawyer for Winifred Jiau, expert network empress and accused insider trader, made a simple plea: “Put an end to this misguided prosecution,” Joanna Hendon said. “Send Ms. Jiau back to California, and to her dog.”

While the request might’ve played well with golden retriever lovers, the presiding judge didn’t care. He dragged things out another month, finding Jiau guilty over the summer and later on denying a request for acquittal or a new trial. Was Winifred the person you wanted to work with if you held an elastic view of securities laws and most certainly guilty of insider trading? Unquestionably: yes. Was she an individual who commanded sympathy, leniency or to whom you’d want to throw a bone? Those who benefited from her tips would be the first to tell you hell no.

In fact, she was bossy, she would cancel meetings at the last second, she would demand $300 gift certificates to the Cheesecake factory in one breath and a dozen Thanksgiving lobsters in the next, she would meet you for a pass off of material non-public information and tell you the shellfish you sent were Maine lobsters and she’d specifically request South African lobsters (even though she hadn’t) and then spit in your face and walk away and yes, sometimes you’d sit at your desk after she’d reamed you out over the phone for not giving her “the sugar” and fantasize about various ways you could kill her and make it look like an accident but having said all that: there’s a dog waiting for this lady and judge? She knows people who can make certain that these will be the first words you hear when you wake up and the last one’s you hear before you go to bed, for the rest of your life:

“I’m truly sorry for being here,” Jiau said today in court. She apologized to her family and friends as well as to her golden retriever, Hunter: “I’m sorry I broke my promise to take care of you and be with you.”

That’s all.

Expert Networker Jiau Gets 4 Years [BW via BI]

38 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (38)

  1. Posted by ShortNaked | September 22, 2011 at 10:49 AM

    But where are the Dogs Kibbles & Bits?

  2. Posted by NowOnePerson | September 22, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    She could lease a guinea pig companion for him – might ease the pain, right?

  3. Posted by AIG Quant via LEH | September 22, 2011 at 10:56 AM

    Winifred Jiau ate the Golden Letriever? That bitch!

    ror!

  4. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2011 at 10:59 AM

    Hunter always felt he was a cut above the rest; imported African impala for dinner 2X a week, sequin crusted collars and leashes, the jealous stares at the dog park from the poodle that lived on the other side of town. He couldn't say he didn't enjoy those days, but he would trade them all for no-name dry dog food and a $11 leash form Petsmart to be with Winni now.

  5. Posted by CoveredLong | September 22, 2011 at 11:01 AM

    Jiau: “I’m sorry I broke my promise to take care of you and be with you.”

    Hunter: "bacon bacon bacon bacon BACON! I smell something and it's BACON!"

  6. Posted by You Know Who | September 22, 2011 at 11:06 AM

    It moved.

  7. Posted by Guesty | September 22, 2011 at 11:07 AM

    You make me sick, Ms. Jiau

    -M. Vick

  8. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2011 at 11:10 AM

    Hunter & Wollensky

  9. Posted by Guesty | September 22, 2011 at 11:17 AM

    I see where you're going with this……*sigh*

  10. Posted by AIG Quant via LEH | September 22, 2011 at 11:18 AM

    Doggy & Wollensky >> Denis Kneale & Wollensky

  11. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2011 at 11:29 AM

    Thanks, but no thanks.

    -Fred Dryer

  12. Posted by Lazy Fare | September 22, 2011 at 11:41 AM

    I'll watch over your dog for you while you're away. It's no trouble, really.

    - DK

  13. Posted by PermaGuestII | September 22, 2011 at 11:48 AM

    Silvio Berlusconi is otherwise occupied.

  14. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2011 at 11:59 AM

    Since the law holds individuals accountable for the actions of their pets (i.e., if your dog bits someone, you get sued), it really only fair that this rule is reciprocal. Hunter should clearly be sent to the pound. Kibble and water only.

  15. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2011 at 12:11 PM

    You pulled the dog card? You went dog on the judge??

  16. Posted by guest | September 22, 2011 at 12:13 PM

    "As Ms. Jiau exited the courthouse she was covered in red paint"

  17. Posted by M. Vick | September 22, 2011 at 12:15 PM

    Not a recommended strategy

  18. Posted by NowOnePerson | September 22, 2011 at 12:20 PM

    He's leased all the guinea pigs already?

  19. Posted by Tom Anthony | September 22, 2011 at 1:01 PM

    I will care for Golden he can be playmate for my Golden 3 year old Dagwood Have large back yard

  20. Posted by FKAFinkNottle | September 22, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Cue photograph of Hunter with a bone in his bathtub reading a book with a HUGE bow tied above his head.

  21. Posted by I <3 Dogs | September 22, 2011 at 1:47 PM

    The gold shaggy hair says "I'm lonely", but the eyes say "please don't sent Master Jiau back"

  22. Posted by guest | September 22, 2011 at 1:55 PM

    dogs probably thinking, "oh well, [censored phrase]

    - [censored phrase] guy

  23. Posted by NowOnePerson | September 22, 2011 at 1:59 PM

    And that sultry tongue says, "take me from behind," right? I'm not the only one who sees that, right?

    -D.K.

  24. Posted by Gues | September 22, 2011 at 2:40 PM

    Absolutely no doubt Hunter was shagging her

  25. Posted by Brian | September 22, 2011 at 3:13 PM

    First of all to understand what happened to Hunter, you gotta understand who Hunter the dog was. Now Hunter was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this woman, Winifred Jiau she's a small time insider trader and a Golden Retreiver fight promoter. So she puts Hunter into training. They see Hunter's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother Nibbles. And Hunter said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight Nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and Hunter, he killed nibbles. Hunter said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.

  26. Posted by Golden | September 22, 2011 at 3:23 PM

    Kibbles & Wollensky

  27. Posted by Shawn | September 22, 2011 at 3:33 PM

    What about the lobsters? Won't somebody PLEASE think of the lobsters?

  28. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    Ruh – Roh!

    -Hunter

  29. Posted by guest | September 22, 2011 at 3:44 PM

    You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you smoke entirely too much reefer.

  30. Posted by The Dudeski | September 22, 2011 at 4:02 PM

    In Soviet Russia, comment delete you!

  31. Posted by Kyle | September 22, 2011 at 4:43 PM

    It's not cheating if you put peanut butter on your balls and have your dog lick it off because it's YOUR DOG! GET IT, IT'S YOUR DOG!

  32. Posted by Floyd | September 22, 2011 at 5:48 PM

    Non sensical, not funny. U suk.

  33. Posted by Floyd | September 22, 2011 at 5:49 PM

    Lol

  34. Posted by Floyd the barber | September 22, 2011 at 5:53 PM

    At last a golden boy we can all praise

  35. Posted by guest | September 22, 2011 at 6:37 PM

    Coming in 2012-

    Air Bud VII: Insider Pup

  36. Posted by Michael | September 22, 2011 at 9:53 PM

    If it'll make winnie feel a little better over missing her goldie. You'll be somebody's bitch soon, and so will Zvi!

  37. Posted by lynn | September 23, 2011 at 4:28 AM

    i like dog ,especially Golden Retriever ,we should take care of them ,they are our friends.

  38. Posted by Chang | September 23, 2011 at 9:18 AM

    Me watch you dog for you, radie.