Yes, Super Bowl XLVIII is a long way off. Yes, it’s hard to get jazzed about a game for which we have no idea who will be playing. Yes, you might actually freeze your ass off. While all of those things may be true, yesterday brought news that should have you salivating for 2014. Because yesterday, we found out that that SB? Stands to be the best one ever, based on a host committee that includes (among others such as Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan, Citi, BlackRock and Paul Tudor Jones): SAC Capital. While the official list cites SAC president Tom “Silver Fox” Conheeney as its point man on the project, make no mistake that Steve Cohen will be heavily involved, no doubt going above and beyond the responsibilities of a typical host. Obviously, Cohen has a lot on the line here, given that his venerable initials are on the thing. Therefore, in an effort to make sure SAC isn’t associated with a sack-freezing joke, he’ll be taking the following steps to ensure the game is a smash hit.

– SAC junior analysts will serve as airport greeters, presenting vistors with leis made of Mt. Laurels, the Connecticut state flower

– Potluck dinner the night before the game for players and their families at Casa Cohen

– As part of pre-game festivities, SC’s best PMs will be dressing up as clowns and making balloon animals for the kids outside the stadium

– SAC fleeces with a special NY/NJ 2014 patch on the sleeve for all in attendance so everyone can stop freaking the fuck out about a cold weather bowl

– If any fans get drunk and unruly, so help him God he will rappel down to their seat, slap their beer out of their hand and put them in a figure four leg lock until security arrives

– Half-time show featuring Nickelback performing while he and Lloyd do an interpretive dance at the 50

– 60-second commercial featuring Rex Ryan continuously yelling “BOOM – TOUGH ACTIN Tinactin”

– During the Doritos spot, SC will be on the sideline shooting bags into the stands out of t-shirt guns

– A giant blimp circling overhead that reads “those who can’t trade, play football”

– To make sure the game doesn’t look like some Pop Warner clusterfuck, Steve has required that his luxury box be wired with a headset so that should things start to go downhill, he will be able to call the head coach of his choosing an idiot and start calling plays himself

2014 Super Bowl logo unveiled by Host Committee at Meadowlands [NJNR]

31 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (31)

  1. Posted by Kegels123 | September 28, 2011 at 4:31 PM

    Analysts will be dressed up as cross dressers and doing the macarena

    -Steve

  2. Posted by derp | September 28, 2011 at 4:32 PM

    Lombardi Trophy to be replaced with the actual Vince Lombardi suspended in formaldehyde.

  3. Posted by InfiniteGuest | September 28, 2011 at 4:38 PM

    Instead of astroturf, a shimmering carpet of dead crickets by Damien Hirst.

  4. Posted by PermaGuestII | September 28, 2011 at 4:40 PM

    Game balls will be custom-manufactured in Italy out of handsewn ostrich skin.

  5. Posted by Mexi_Cant | September 28, 2011 at 4:44 PM

    Losing coach and kicker will be jailed for insider trading.

  6. Posted by Fuck Canada | September 28, 2011 at 4:44 PM

    Fuck Nickelback and their canadian malarchy

    Canada Sucks Guy

  7. Posted by guest | September 28, 2011 at 4:44 PM

    Do they let convicted insider traders watch the super bowl in prison? 2014 is a lot of time for the feds to get their case together between porn screen shots and taking down ex athletes for 2 bit ponzi schemes.

  8. Posted by iris chacon | September 28, 2011 at 4:47 PM

    Lombardi trophy featured prominently in Xmas card designed by alex garcia cohen.

  9. Posted by Guest in Dallas | September 28, 2011 at 4:52 PM

    First of all and, uh, mainly, let me just say that "yes" ..the SuperBowl is a significant event under conditions that are , uh, and concurrently, while that may be true, emphatically we should advise that "seating" as it is called in some uh venues can at times, and let me clear about it…just a minute, now, let me….uh, I'm not finished, Romo showed true grit and courage playin' with a ripped out lung and a frontwards facing ball cap for once, that, as you know, among celebrities is a big deal that uh postulates that which we all want and what you want and what the press and NFL want when it comes down to calling the hogs during a hedge fund's Beyonce' show.

  10. Posted by Guest | September 28, 2011 at 4:54 PM

    Is malarchy the one where the government is always out to get you?

    – Steve Austin (and if you're blind, I am the wrestler)

  11. Posted by Guest | September 28, 2011 at 4:58 PM

    Casa Cohen will host the influx of sex workers traditionally seen at Superbowls, naturally, as Stevie wields a strong pimp hand.

  12. Posted by Guest | September 28, 2011 at 5:07 PM

    Renaming MetLife stadium SAC Field and adding additional bathrooms..

  13. Posted by J. Mora | September 28, 2011 at 5:12 PM

    playoffs?

  14. Posted by Borenstein DDS | September 28, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    Fix your fucking teeth Steve!

    For fuck sake you’re a billionaire, I’m sure you can work something out.

  15. Posted by Lord Humongous | September 28, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    Free circumcisions just outside The NFL Experience tent, courtesy of SAC

  16. Posted by Guest | September 28, 2011 at 6:14 PM

    Decks of commemorative playing cards featuring past Superbowl-winning QBs will be distributed to all fans in attendance. Each deck will be issued sans Kings since that card is already spoken for and there's no way you know who is lumping himself in with gridiron peasantry.

  17. Posted by Guest | September 28, 2011 at 7:05 PM

    Select attendees will be sent a unique invitation designed by SAC. On the cover: Stevie au naturale with only a strategically placed fleece football and his most smoldering come hither look above the tagline, "Where Real Men Come to Play." Inside, color coded bracelets where the lucky recipient of the rainbow colored bracelet will receive a special surprise during halftime.
    (Copies of said invitations may inadvertently be posted on Dealbreaker.)

  18. Posted by RiskyBizness | September 28, 2011 at 9:15 PM

    AMERICA FUCK YEAH

  19. Posted by 8=> | September 29, 2011 at 8:12 AM

    Dominios will be the only pizza sold at the venue.

  20. Posted by Tiger Woods | September 29, 2011 at 10:37 AM

    Rachel Uchitel serving as half time hostess – happy endings for all

  21. Posted by MeVC | September 29, 2011 at 11:33 AM

    I guess brushing one's teeth isn't on the list eh?

  22. Posted by BigD | September 29, 2011 at 12:05 PM

    yeah wtf is up with those teeth? He's been munching that mexican's box a little too frequently, or, when she's on the rizzie.

  23. Posted by anon | September 29, 2011 at 12:13 PM

    Flossing is for poor people.

  24. Posted by YoQuieroTacoBell | September 29, 2011 at 12:26 PM

    Mexi_Cants box?

  25. Posted by El Malaguena | September 30, 2011 at 3:16 PM

    Yup, just like I remebered – DB with another story about SAC. See ya in two more years.

  26. Posted by SkyIsFalling | September 30, 2011 at 4:56 PM

    with the way WS is crashing, probably sooner.

  27. Posted by guestapo | September 30, 2011 at 7:51 PM

    ya, it's wild that DB talks about SAC, given that it is a Wall Street site and SAC is, y'know, kind of a big hedge fund.

  28. Posted by White Fox | October 10, 2011 at 7:17 PM

    Ping will perofman during half time show "cross dressing" and healthcare team would explain how to screw up…

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