Hedge Funds

Steve Cohen To Make Sure TriState Area Superbowl Will Cause All Other Super Bowls To Bow Down Before It In Awe

Yes, Super Bowl XLVIII is a long way off. Yes, it’s hard to get jazzed about a game for which we have no idea who will be playing. Yes, you might actually freeze your ass off. While all of those things may be true, yesterday brought news that should have you salivating for 2014. Because yesterday, we found out that that SB? Stands to be the best one ever, based on a host committee that includes (among others such as Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan, Citi, BlackRock and Paul Tudor Jones): SAC Capital. While the official list cites SAC president Tom “Silver Fox” Conheeney as its point man on the project, make no mistake that Steve Cohen will be heavily involved, no doubt going above and beyond the responsibilities of a typical host. Obviously, Cohen has a lot on the line here, given that his venerable initials are on the thing. Therefore, in an effort to make sure SAC isn’t associated with a sack-freezing joke, he’ll be taking the following steps to ensure the game is a smash hit.

– SAC junior analysts will serve as airport greeters, presenting vistors with leis made of Mt. Laurels, the Connecticut state flower

– Potluck dinner the night before the game for players and their families at Casa Cohen

– As part of pre-game festivities, SC’s best PMs will be dressing up as clowns and making balloon animals for the kids outside the stadium

– SAC fleeces with a special NY/NJ 2014 patch on the sleeve for all in attendance so everyone can stop freaking the fuck out about a cold weather bowl

– If any fans get drunk and unruly, so help him God he will rappel down to their seat, slap their beer out of their hand and put them in a figure four leg lock until security arrives

– Half-time show featuring Nickelback performing while he and Lloyd do an interpretive dance at the 50

– 60-second commercial featuring Rex Ryan continuously yelling “BOOM – TOUGH ACTIN Tinactin”

– During the Doritos spot, SC will be on the sideline shooting bags into the stands out of t-shirt guns

– A giant blimp circling overhead that reads “those who can’t trade, play football”

– To make sure the game doesn’t look like some Pop Warner clusterfuck, Steve has required that his luxury box be wired with a headset so that should things start to go downhill, he will be able to call the head coach of his choosing an idiot and start calling plays himself

2014 Super Bowl logo unveiled by Host Committee at Meadowlands [NJNR]

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31 Responses to “Steve Cohen To Make Sure TriState Area Superbowl Will Cause All Other Super Bowls To Bow Down Before It In Awe”

  1. Kegels123 says:

    Analysts will be dressed up as cross dressers and doing the macarena


  2. derp says:

    Lombardi Trophy to be replaced with the actual Vince Lombardi suspended in formaldehyde.

  3. InfiniteGuest says:

    Instead of astroturf, a shimmering carpet of dead crickets by Damien Hirst.

  4. PermaGuestII says:

    Game balls will be custom-manufactured in Italy out of handsewn ostrich skin.

  5. Mexi_Cant says:

    Losing coach and kicker will be jailed for insider trading.

  6. Fuck Canada says:

    Fuck Nickelback and their canadian malarchy

    Canada Sucks Guy

    • Guest says:

      Is malarchy the one where the government is always out to get you?

      – Steve Austin (and if you're blind, I am the wrestler)

  7. guest says:

    Do they let convicted insider traders watch the super bowl in prison? 2014 is a lot of time for the feds to get their case together between porn screen shots and taking down ex athletes for 2 bit ponzi schemes.

  8. iris chacon says:

    Lombardi trophy featured prominently in Xmas card designed by alex garcia cohen.

  9. Guest in Dallas says:

    First of all and, uh, mainly, let me just say that "yes" ..the SuperBowl is a significant event under conditions that are , uh, and concurrently, while that may be true, emphatically we should advise that "seating" as it is called in some uh venues can at times, and let me clear about it…just a minute, now, let me….uh, I'm not finished, Romo showed true grit and courage playin' with a ripped out lung and a frontwards facing ball cap for once, that, as you know, among celebrities is a big deal that uh postulates that which we all want and what you want and what the press and NFL want when it comes down to calling the hogs during a hedge fund's Beyonce' show.

  10. Guest says:

    Casa Cohen will host the influx of sex workers traditionally seen at Superbowls, naturally, as Stevie wields a strong pimp hand.

  11. Guest says:

    Renaming MetLife stadium SAC Field and adding additional bathrooms..

  12. J. Mora says:


  13. Borenstein DDS says:

    Fix your fucking teeth Steve!

    For fuck sake you’re a billionaire, I’m sure you can work something out.

  14. Lord Humongous says:

    Free circumcisions just outside The NFL Experience tent, courtesy of SAC

  15. Guest says:

    Decks of commemorative playing cards featuring past Superbowl-winning QBs will be distributed to all fans in attendance. Each deck will be issued sans Kings since that card is already spoken for and there's no way you know who is lumping himself in with gridiron peasantry.

  16. Guest says:

    Select attendees will be sent a unique invitation designed by SAC. On the cover: Stevie au naturale with only a strategically placed fleece football and his most smoldering come hither look above the tagline, "Where Real Men Come to Play." Inside, color coded bracelets where the lucky recipient of the rainbow colored bracelet will receive a special surprise during halftime.
    (Copies of said invitations may inadvertently be posted on Dealbreaker.)

  17. RiskyBizness says:


  18. 8=> says:

    Dominios will be the only pizza sold at the venue.

  19. Tiger Woods says:

    Rachel Uchitel serving as half time hostess – happy endings for all

  20. MeVC says:

    I guess brushing one's teeth isn't on the list eh?

  21. El Malaguena says:

    Yup, just like I remebered – DB with another story about SAC. See ya in two more years.

  22. White Fox says:

    Ping will perofman during half time show "cross dressing" and healthcare team would explain how to screw up…

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