As we surely needn’t tell you, when one is a high-powered college student expecting to graduate with a bachelor’s degree from Penn next year, one does not have a lot of time on his or her hands. Every moment is precious and efficiency is of the utmost importance. While you might think you already do a fairly good job when it comes to a) time management and b) effectively communicating the fact that taking ten seconds to, say, personalize a job solicitation letter, is a waste of your fucking time that just cost you $10,000, it’s never to late to pick up some new tips. Examine, if you will, the following case study.
From: [Redacted Penn Undergrad]
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2011 4:41 PM
To: Senior employees at Deutsche Bank, Jefferies, KKR, Blackstone [example: Jonathan Gray], most other PE firms you can think of on Wall Street
Subject: University of Pennsylvania Senior interested in Analyst Position upon graduationHello,
My name is [redacted] and I will be graduating from the University of Pennsylvania this May. I am very interested in pursuing a career in investment banking upon graduation and I wanted to know if your firm would be hiring analysts this coming summer. I know you are busy and would appreciate any time you could give me. Thank you in advance and I hope to hear from you soon. My résumé is attached.
Best regards
Notice how the sender conveys so much with so little? Such as:
1) He/she doesn’t have time to send each firm an individual email, a sign of great power.
2) He/she has neither the time nor the interest in tailoring messages for those who fall under investment banking and private equity, respectively, also illustrative of the above.
3) He/she is not about to go through HR when going straight to the top will suffice (standard recruitment channels are for peasants and/or graduates of lesser institutions).
4) The lack of a BCC? Not a mistake. You need to know you’re all involved in a god damn bidding war.
…and that you fucking hippies is how you apply for a goddamn job!
-[Redacted]
UPenn '12
This guy either has a huge set of balls, or a tiny brain.
In any case, he'll end up as a trader at some bucketshop.
At least he put effort in having accents on his e's in "résumé". They don't teach you that at Penn.
- [Redacted Penn Undergrad] & Wollensky
We need to meet this young man, sounds like a real up and comer
- UBS HR
yall didnt get this email directly? small timers
weinus capital
http://bottomline.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/09/27/...
Further proof that kids from Penn are not as smart as they would have you think.
You're firm wasn't even on the mailing list.
-Jon Gray
KKR/ & Jefferies in the same breath… dude there's bold then there's just plain dumb.
And that's, how, you let the beat build bitchhhh
It's the brave new world of those born knowing how to use the interwebs…spamming potential employers is perfectly reasonable. If he'd had their cell numbers he would have sent a text.
-not a youngster
Not nearly as funny when everything is redacted. Bess please make this guy famous like Jeffrey Chiang.
How exactly would having his name change anything?
come work for me now that you've captured all this attention
– bretton james
If you can't come up with something without a name, turn in your commenting card and/or kill yourself.
Cut him a break, he was smart enough to not send it to UBS.
You guys don't take the Common App?
- UBS HR
Reply All
STFU
- Jonathan Gray
I drunk texted someone I interviewed with once… didn't get the offer.
HIRED!
Getting blackballed before graduation is the NKI
Well, the world needs ditch diggers too.
I don't see anything wrong about this approach…this is exactly how i got my job!
-Settlements@[redacted].com
hey bess, résumé or it didn't happen.
"…sounds lika a real up and cummer"
Lynn Tilton
It would change everything.
-UBS HR
That's just the way we roll, deal with it.
What an uncouth attempt to get your foot in the door. Can he bench over 400lbs? Can he serve over 140mph? Can he ballroom dance with the grace of a Nutcracker danseur? I thought so.
-Aleskey Vayner, UBS 1st year IBD Analyst
"at Deutsche Bank, Jefferies, KKR, Blackstone"
One of these is not like the others.
[Redacted Penn Undergrad],
Call us.
-Edward Jones
This would never happen at the University of Phoenix, and by this I mean graduating.
Sure, this might look like a lazy, arrogant, and stupid move – dig deeper though and you'll find rigorous due diligence went into putting together his résumé.
….see when he said résumé, he actually meant "pictures of senior executives in compromising situations". He's light years ahead of his fellow classmates.
This bud's for you Mr. Blackmailing Wall Street Penn Undergrad Guy.
From: Big Balls
To: HFs, PE firms. Sell side, please refrain.
Subject: making it rain
Hello,
My name is Big Balls. This morning I passed by the park and made it rain on a bunch of hippies. Today it was piss, tomorrow (after I receive your offers) it will be gasoline.
Best regards,
Big Balls
LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL
I know right? Jeffries is a way better firm.
- KKR 1986 LP (still)
Let's not forget his legitimate years.
Welcome back Golden Boy!
Easy big fella.
- guys ahead of you in the Hilton cap stack
"Your"
Spare. KYS!
Well – Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?
I have a feeling we'll be seeing this dudes name on the list of those associated with the SAT scandal at Great Neck North High School …._
thumbs up for "danseur"
Notice UBS wasn't mentioned……….
It's people like [redacted] is what the subprime is in trouble.
pmco, if I had your number I'd send you a sext.
- I never use winking emoticons, but if I did…
I'd prefer you turn up in person. Just promise not to tell ILP, okay?
stop playing w/ your wenis
Shouldn't it be "will be hiring" instead of "would be hiring"
pmco I missed you at the 40 year celebration, where were you?
I was thinking it was more like two.
For my 16th interview at Goldman Sachs, I was asked to prove the markets demand for me. The interviewer said, we shouldn't even be considering you unless every other top firm would be absolutely willing to hire you. The interviewer said, you have 30 minutes to get other offers at KKR, Blackstone and Bridgewater.
I thought for no more than 28.5 seconds (30 is maximum) of how to proceed, and then sent out the following email to Henry Kravis, Steven Schwarzman and Ray Dalio. The email had an attached picture of Meredith Whitney, in her usual dominatrix getgo, holding a whip to the derrière of Maria Bartiromo.
Within 20 minutes I had offers from all 3 firms. My interviewer nodded his head in approval and said "we will contact you about whether we will proceed to the next round"
Dammit – I thought Career Services already had its "How To Get Your Resume Noticed Without Embarrassing The F***ing School" lecture.
Stop laughing, Drew Faust. We're still better than Cornell.
I'm not actually "Thumbs Down"-ing you but come on – you can do better than that!
HAAHAH Amy G would say this!
[Redacted Penn Undergrad], meet me in zuccotti park at 8. I'll be the one with the bongo drum blisters and foot fungus.
Dear [Redacted Penn Undergrad],
Would you be interested in a position that entails dressing up like a clown and making balloon animals for SuperBowl patrons? Please reply with your clown portfolio.
Thanks
- SC
dude should've sent his resume to bess and only bess. the way levine is boring readers to tears there could be a new opening at the absolute TOP of wall street on the dealbreaker editorial staff.
Resume attachment or it didn't happen
I don't think you know what the word "top" means
Which one?
-Exchange Student from Chernobyl
We have other issues to deal with than this.
-UT-Austin Kappa Alpha "Bro"
Meh rather just send dick pix. I'll send them to that pervert too I don't give a fuck.
pics or GTFO
[Redacted] had me at Hello
btw the kid is handicapped (in a wheelchair). kthx
1) DB/recipients of email are supposed to know this how?
2) Okay…and?
3) If you came here to complain about the post being unfair, it is HARDLY that. DB took his name and any identifying details off (there are literally thousands of Penn seniors) and any Google searches for him will not bring up the above.
This is a serious question- how could you possibly know who the emailer is? There's no name and the only identifying details is that it's a Penn senior, of which there are thousands, with scores applying for jobs on Wall Street.
I'm a political science undergrad with zero interest in Wall St and I've already gotten the original email forwarded to me from multiple sources. Poor kid
That kind of sounds a bit impossible considering the only people who have the original email is the person who sent it and the Wall Street professionals who 1) received it directly 2) forwarded it to their colleagues. I don’t understand why something like the above, while mildly amusing but not, like, massively interesting/huge would be circulated so widely that someone who professes to be a) still in college b) not even at the same college as the sender and c) not in the same classes/internships/whatever as those hoping to land on Wall Street would have it sent to them, by multiple sources no less.
If you really do know the kid, let him know that while the above is not exactly an example of what you should strive to do, he's going to be just fine. Since Dealbreaker took his name off, the only people who will have any idea who did it are the ones he emailed. And, honestly, none of them are going to remember this in a month. Lastly, since he obviously isn't going to get a job through Jonathan Gray but rather, for example, Blackstone's recruitment division, none of them are going to know this happened.
Chung is KING!!!!!
Eh. While the above is not exactly an example of what you should strive to do, he's going to be just fine. Since Dealbreaker took his name off, the only people who will have any idea who did it are the ones he emailed. And, honestly, none of them are going to remember this in a month. Lastly, since he obviously isn't going to get a job through Jonathan Gray but rather, for example, Blackstone's recruitment division, none of them are going to know this happened.
a sketch of the culprit just released:
http://knockovera7eleven.com/blog/wp-content/uplo...
Which means he should be treated differently than anyone else? It's a tough thing, to be (in a wheelchair), but to be patronized by assholes like you? That's degrading.
Yep.
@Guest: “This is a serious question- how could you possibly know who the emailer is? There’s no name and the only identifying details is that it’s a Penn senior, of which there are thousands, with scores applying for jobs on Wall Street.”
oh, trust me. Most people here already knew about this before the story broke on here, because they got the original email attachment forwarded to them (which included the original sender’s name)…myself included.
lol.. spoken like true banker!
how about drinking some yourself
pmco, were you ever on the west coast working for a VC firm and writing a blog on the side? circa 2002 there was a girl that did just that and then one day she just disappeared. your style is a lot like hers.
I don't think you know what the word "sarcasm" means.
"Sell side, please refrain"
LOL
I remember when being a fresh business grad made me feel entitled to earn a 6 figure salary.
1. Undergrads get REALLY bored. I also get emails of kittens, memes, and boo the dog. We're not like you professionals with actual things to do
2. It's job apps season for seniors so people relate to this.
3. That sense of schadenfreude when something goes wrong for one of the other Ivies. Again, an undergrad phenomenon
Not me, MeVC (see how that rhymes?)
Hey, we received this and would really like to talk.
-HR@Primerica.com
A girl's gotta have her standards, right?
What is this "things to do" you mention?
And, how can you be bored? Go get drunk before noon, take some shrooms and walk through the woods, or just be promiscuous. Sheesh. You make college kids look bad.
Penn had the story first: http://underthebutton.com/2011/09/how-not-to-get-...
Actually dealbreaker did
Penn story posted: SEPTEMBER 28, 2011 AT 4:46 PM
Dealbreaker story posted: 28 Sep 2011 at 3:36 PM
Keep winning it, though.
Hey, don't be so hard on him. They don't teach you that 3:36PM comes before 4:46PM on the clock at Penn.
Atleast he has now apologized to the everyone who initially received the email. Though the damage is done, so not sure if it makes any difference.
What damage? It was a stupid thing to do, not, like, career-ending by any means. I doubt anyone who received the email will remember this in a month.
{Redacted Penn Undergrad}, sure, sure no one will remember this. Talk to Kevin Colman. He WAS at Allied Irish Bank.
(redacted) and Wollensky
the clock on their site is whack (all the comments are showing up as at the same time, for example….) i read it in class at like noon
some other good ways not to suck at e-mail: http://academy.justjobs.com/dont-suck-at-e-mail/
Who gives a shit if he's handicapped? Completely irrelevant to the discussion of this kid's stupidity. Does that make him any less unhireable?