• 19 Sep 2011 at 4:00 PM
  • Balls

What Wall Street Wives Can Learn From Diane Passage

By

Think you don’t need to perform your own quarterly audits of your husband’s business to check for any discrepancies? Think again. Choose not to take regular looks at your meal ticket’s book and you could go from dining on the finest shellfish money can buy (“Some of those black-tie events were so fucking boring. We went to one at Blackstone? Their holiday party? I was like, I can’t believe I spent so much time getting ready for this”), chairing charities (that include pole-dancing fundraisers), residing in a $7.5 million townhouse on the Upper East Side (screening room and pool, natch), receiving all the trinkets you could ever desire (“She got whatever she wanted: diamonds—at least a quarter-million dollars’ worth, according to the U.S. Attorney’s office—designer clothes, even a new pair of boobs”) living, blissfully, prenuptial agreement free, and thinking you’d never have to go back to working the late shift at Scores…

…to having your assets frozen as part of your Ponzi-scheming husband’s SEC suit, living in a Time Square walk-up and kicking men in the balls for a measly hundred bucks.

[Passage is]…relaying a story about another evening at another perennial, the Waldorf-Astoria, where a guy paid her $100 to kick him in the balls: “He was into humiliation or whatever.” She giggles. Passage is a petite, smoky-eyed Kardashian brunette, and when she laughs, her grapefruit-tree physique bounces merrily. “It was so weird.”

“What’d you do?” asks one of the men, a ruddy real-estate developer we’ll call Barry. “I kicked him in the nuts!” she says, like duh. She’d been sitting at the bar with a friend who “kind of looks like a hooker,” so it wasn’t surprising when the well-dressed man who’d bought their drinks made a business proposal. “We went into this little area and he was like, ‘First, go into the restroom and make me wait,’ ” she says. “So I went into the bathroom for like fifteen minutes and I was texting all my friends and then I came out and I kicked him in the nuts and he was like”—she drops her voice down to a meek whisper—“ ‘Thank you.’ ”

Let this be a lesson to you all.

A Holly Golightly for the Stripper-Embezzlement Age [NYMag]

Comments (35)

  1. 1
    Posted by AIG Quant via LEH | September 19, 2011 at 4:04 PM

    Who is that paragon of female virtue?

  2. 2
    Posted by AIG Quant via LEH | September 19, 2011 at 4:06 PM

    Is that the north or south passage?

  3. 3
    Posted by Ray J. | September 19, 2011 at 4:12 PM

    "Kardashian brunette" is a adjective now? Rapture is near.

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | September 19, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    "Getting repeatedly kicked in the balls is a sign of power…"

    - BHO

  5. 5
    Posted by Dr_Rosenrose | September 19, 2011 at 4:15 PM

    Seconded.
    -Pestilence

  6. 6
    Posted by Guest | September 19, 2011 at 4:20 PM

    Getting repeatedly kicked in the balls is a sign of bonus discussions at UBS.

  7. 7
    Posted by derp | September 19, 2011 at 4:24 PM

    Looks like she forgot to dye the carpet

  8. 8
    Posted by Alt_EST | September 19, 2011 at 4:24 PM

    …who "kind of looks like a hooker."

    Like a pot saying a kettle "looks a little black."

  9. 9
    Posted by DSK | September 19, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    Looks like I was staying at the wrong hotel.

    -DSK

  10. 10
    Posted by Financial_Servicer | September 19, 2011 at 4:35 PM

    There's pain fetish, and then there's "kicked in the balls" pain fetish. Other than that I have no concerns.

  11. 11
    Posted by Louis Winthorpe III | September 19, 2011 at 4:39 PM

    Someone please just kick me in the nuts before we get to "Death of the Firstborn."

    -Not a chosen one but a fan of their work

  12. 12
    Posted by Louis Winthorpe III | September 19, 2011 at 4:41 PM

    Examine your moives.

    LEH Reading Comprehension Quant

  13. 13
    Posted by Guest | September 19, 2011 at 4:44 PM

    And all this time I was letting them cum in my mouth.

    - Lynn T.

  14. 14
    Posted by guest | September 19, 2011 at 4:46 PM

    dude, some people are just freaking weird.

  15. 15
    Posted by 25th Hour Trader | September 19, 2011 at 4:50 PM

    "…He was into humiliation or whatever.”

    He should've just worked for UBS.

    -UBS banker whose employer's reputation is rapidly approaching parity with Primerica.

  16. 16
    Posted by Guest | September 19, 2011 at 4:55 PM

    Lights on.

  17. 17
    Posted by AIG Quant via LEH | September 19, 2011 at 4:57 PM

    You've already past it on the way down.

  18. 18
    Posted by AIG Quant via LEH | September 19, 2011 at 4:58 PM

    passed*

  19. 19
    Posted by FKAFinkNottle | September 19, 2011 at 4:59 PM

    Amy Winehouse looks so happy. Heaven must be a sudsy bathtub and a flute of champagne.

  20. 20
    Posted by Nailz6 | September 19, 2011 at 5:12 PM

    Can we get a post on these clowns?
    http://www.bloomberg.com/money-gallery/2011-09-19…

  21. 21
    Posted by Touch Base Later | September 19, 2011 at 5:16 PM

    It's not class warfare. It's just math and dollar bills.

  22. 22
    Posted by D. Kneale | September 19, 2011 at 5:49 PM

    One time I paid a poodle to repeatedly head butt me in the nuts.

    True story

  23. 23
    Posted by Bud Fox | September 19, 2011 at 6:14 PM

    let’s call him Paul, a tall, paunchy private-equity manager who was quiet much of the evening but has become considerably more animated after a trip to the bathroom

    Are they suggesting he used cocaine in the bathroom? Clever.

  24. 24
    Posted by Carl Fox | September 19, 2011 at 7:50 PM

    I don't go to bed with no whore, and I don't wake up with no whore. That's how I live with myself. I don't know how you do it.

  25. 25
    Posted by Guest | September 19, 2011 at 9:04 PM

    How did "grapefruit-tree physique" not get tagged?

  26. 26
    Posted by MeVC | September 19, 2011 at 9:20 PM

    I get kicked in the balls all the time and don't even have to pay.

  27. 27
    Posted by juniormistmaker | September 19, 2011 at 9:29 PM

    Oh hello Emmorie. Would you like to make a couple of dollars while being "happily unemployed"?

  28. 28
    Posted by @ReformedBroker | September 19, 2011 at 9:45 PM

    winner

  29. 29
    Posted by guest | September 19, 2011 at 11:24 PM

    Maybe he does work for UBS. $100 is UBS bonus pool money.

  30. 30
    Posted by jeff hoffman | September 20, 2011 at 12:21 AM

    dammit I said licked

  31. 31
    Posted by Golden Boy | September 20, 2011 at 8:02 AM

    Has BAC already been nationalized?

    -BAC intern holding tons of BAC outs.

  32. 32
    Posted by Anonymous | September 20, 2011 at 10:03 AM

    Diane –
    you are formally invivted to come in for an "interview".

    Beamer's Marketing

  33. 33
    Posted by Al Cervik | September 20, 2011 at 1:14 PM

    Wanna make fourteen dollars the hard way?

  34. 34
    Posted by Montgomery Burns | September 20, 2011 at 4:40 PM

    Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it…

  35. 35
    Posted by procon | September 20, 2011 at 10:48 PM

    It seems Erin Burnett will soon become a Wall Street wife .too.

    She's engaged.