Balls

What Wall Street Wives Can Learn From Diane Passage

Think you don’t need to perform your own quarterly audits of your husband’s business to check for any discrepancies? Think again. Choose not to take regular looks at your meal ticket’s book and you could go from dining on the finest shellfish money can buy (“Some of those black-tie events were so fucking boring. We went to one at Blackstone? Their holiday party? I was like, I can’t believe I spent so much time getting ready for this”), chairing charities (that include pole-dancing fundraisers), residing in a $7.5 million townhouse on the Upper East Side (screening room and pool, natch), receiving all the trinkets you could ever desire (“She got whatever she wanted: diamonds—at least a quarter-million dollars’ worth, according to the U.S. Attorney’s office—designer clothes, even a new pair of boobs”) living, blissfully, prenuptial agreement free, and thinking you’d never have to go back to working the late shift at Scores…

…to having your assets frozen as part of your Ponzi-scheming husband’s SEC suit, living in a Time Square walk-up and kicking men in the balls for a measly hundred bucks.

[Passage is]…relaying a story about another evening at another perennial, the Waldorf-Astoria, where a guy paid her $100 to kick him in the balls: “He was into humiliation or whatever.” She giggles. Passage is a petite, smoky-eyed Kardashian brunette, and when she laughs, her grapefruit-tree physique bounces merrily. “It was so weird.”

“What’d you do?” asks one of the men, a ruddy real-estate developer we’ll call Barry. “I kicked him in the nuts!” she says, like duh. She’d been sitting at the bar with a friend who “kind of looks like a hooker,” so it wasn’t surprising when the well-dressed man who’d bought their drinks made a business proposal. “We went into this little area and he was like, ‘First, go into the restroom and make me wait,’ ” she says. “So I went into the bathroom for like fifteen minutes and I was texting all my friends and then I came out and I kicked him in the nuts and he was like”—she drops her voice down to a meek whisper—“ ‘Thank you.’ ”

Let this be a lesson to you all.

A Holly Golightly for the Stripper-Embezzlement Age [NYMag]

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35 Responses to “What Wall Street Wives Can Learn From Diane Passage”

  1. AIG Quant via LEH says:

    Who is that paragon of female virtue?

  2. Ray J. says:

    "Kardashian brunette" is a adjective now? Rapture is near.

  3. guest says:

    "Getting repeatedly kicked in the balls is a sign of power…"

    – BHO

  4. Guest says:

    Getting repeatedly kicked in the balls is a sign of bonus discussions at UBS.

  5. derp says:

    Looks like she forgot to dye the carpet

  6. Alt_EST says:

    …who "kind of looks like a hooker."

    Like a pot saying a kettle "looks a little black."

  7. DSK says:

    Looks like I was staying at the wrong hotel.

    -DSK

  8. Financial_Servicer says:

    There's pain fetish, and then there's "kicked in the balls" pain fetish. Other than that I have no concerns.

  9. Guest says:

    And all this time I was letting them cum in my mouth.

    – Lynn T.

  10. guest says:

    dude, some people are just freaking weird.

  11. 25th Hour Trader says:

    "…He was into humiliation or whatever.”

    He should've just worked for UBS.

    -UBS banker whose employer's reputation is rapidly approaching parity with Primerica.

  12. Guest says:

    Lights on.

  13. FKAFinkNottle says:

    Amy Winehouse looks so happy. Heaven must be a sudsy bathtub and a flute of champagne.

  14. Nailz6 says:

    Can we get a post on these clowns?
    http://www.bloomberg.com/money-gallery/2011-09-19

  15. Touch Base Later says:

    It's not class warfare. It's just math and dollar bills.

  16. D. Kneale says:

    One time I paid a poodle to repeatedly head butt me in the nuts.

    True story

  17. Bud Fox says:

    let’s call him Paul, a tall, paunchy private-equity manager who was quiet much of the evening but has become considerably more animated after a trip to the bathroom

    Are they suggesting he used cocaine in the bathroom? Clever.

  18. Carl Fox says:

    I don't go to bed with no whore, and I don't wake up with no whore. That's how I live with myself. I don't know how you do it.

  19. Guest says:

    How did "grapefruit-tree physique" not get tagged?

  20. MeVC says:

    I get kicked in the balls all the time and don't even have to pay.

  21. jeff hoffman says:

    dammit I said licked

  22. Golden Boy says:

    Has BAC already been nationalized?

    -BAC intern holding tons of BAC outs.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Diane –
    you are formally invivted to come in for an "interview".

    Beamer's Marketing

  24. Al Cervik says:

    Wanna make fourteen dollars the hard way?

  25. Montgomery Burns says:

    Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it…

  26. procon says:

    It seems Erin Burnett will soon become a Wall Street wife .too.

    She's engaged.