• 21 Oct 2011 at 4:08 PM

Bernie Madoff Couldn’t Be Happier Behind Bars

Maybe, you thought, Bernie Madoff wouldn’t like prison. Maybe, you thought, after a life of luxury, living in an 8X10 would cramp his style. Maybe, you thought, that he’d have trouble earning 14 cents an hour sweeping the floors, after spending several decades ‘earning’ millions making fake trades. Maybe, you thought, he wouldn’t take to an environment wherein taking your pants off means open season on your ass, after coming from a work environment where nobody blinked an eye when he regularly “dropped his trou in the office to ensure that the line of his shirt buttons was precisely vertical,” without the slightest threat of attack. Maybe, you thought, he’d be home sick. Maybe, you thought, he wouldn’t make any friends. Maybe, you thought, he wouldn’t get picked by any fraternities during rush. Well, you couldn’t be anymore wrong. Not only is Berns quickly adjusting and joining all sorts of groups, but he’s having the time of his life.

They call me either Uncle Bernie or Mr. Madoff,” Bernie wrote his daughter-in-law — who had written him, expecting to hear about his suffering. Instead, Madoff told her: “I can’t walk anywhere without someone shouting their greetings and encouragement, to keep my spirit up. It’s really quite sweet, how concerned everyone is about my well-being, including the staff…Madoff told her he was “pumping iron, and had plenty of recreational classes to choose from.” He compared prison to a college campus, with “lovely lawns and trees” and said other inmates treat him with respect and admiration.

Anyway, he’d love to chat more but Ultimate Frisbee practice starts in 5 and he’s gotta shotgun a few beers first. Catch you later.

Madoff ‘Loves’ Jail [NYP]

41 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (41)

  1. Posted by Berns | October 21, 2011 at 4:12 PM

    Were the hell is the dancing pic?

  2. Posted by Lord Humongous | October 21, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    He's here for the gangbang

  3. Posted by thumbs sideways | October 21, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    Papa loves mambo

  4. Posted by bartleby | October 21, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    other inmates treat him with respect and admiration. in bed.

  5. Posted by Raj | October 21, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    I'm too ravaged to get any solce from this..

  6. Posted by Guest | October 21, 2011 at 4:19 PM

    told you

    -George Bluth

  7. Posted by ShortNaked | October 21, 2011 at 4:20 PM

    No lax? Not very bro like Bernss

  8. Posted by Gaurd Hanley | October 21, 2011 at 4:23 PM

    save it for the judge fatboy.

    your ass is mine now.

  9. Posted by Dr_Rosenrose | October 21, 2011 at 4:33 PM

    Left out of this excerpt was the first line in the second paragraph: "But then there are the midnight rapes."

  10. Posted by Hotel Butt-ner | October 21, 2011 at 4:41 PM

    Yeah Berns, it's like a college campus where you can play all day but no graduation day for you pal. Now bendover rover.

    You can checkout any time you like, But you can never leave! Hotel Butner

  11. Posted by 25th Hour Trader | October 21, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    "…earning between 14 cents an hour sweeping the floors".

    I can understand how he made more money than me while he was on the outside, but for him to out earn me behind bars is just not fair.

    -W. Tilson

    "…said other inmates treat him with respect and admiration."

    You're f*cking right I treat him with respeck. He stole $50B and got away with it for years while I stole $23.17 from 7-11 (net profit since approx $4 fell out during my egress) and was caught several hours later at a nearby IHOP feasting on a rooty tooty fresh ‘n fruity meal courtesy of 7-11.

    -Inmate who is going back to watching The Shawshank Redemption for pointers.

  12. Posted by The abuser | October 21, 2011 at 4:49 PM

    not all of us…

    biding my time.

  13. Posted by Green Witch | October 21, 2011 at 4:51 PM

    Wait, what does "earning" mean ?

    UBS MD

  14. Posted by Mexi_Cant | October 21, 2011 at 4:53 PM

    You are less funny than Blackstone analysts who's material wasn't selected to write Schwarzman's speech.

  15. Posted by Tommy | October 21, 2011 at 4:58 PM

    Funny how, like a clown ? I amuse you.. I'm here to amuse you Mexicant ?

  16. Posted by Moneta Guy | October 21, 2011 at 5:36 PM

    Fuck off Bernie, I want to hear something from Jerome Kerviel, the "good" guy

  17. Posted by J. Hendrix | October 21, 2011 at 6:03 PM

    and let Bubba take over.

  18. Posted by Boggs | October 21, 2011 at 6:37 PM

    Anybody come at you yet?

  19. Posted by Bar of Soap | October 21, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    while others show their respect. in shower.

  20. Posted by unit | October 21, 2011 at 11:59 PM

    that guy sucks dick

  21. Posted by deelb00k | October 22, 2011 at 9:48 AM

    maybe not so much "at", more so "on"…

  22. Posted by #F34321 | October 22, 2011 at 1:42 PM

    no rapes….just unwanted hand-jobs.

  23. Posted by UBS MD | October 22, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    "…earning between 14 cents an hour sweeping the floors".

    Damn, I wish I could get in on that deal.

    – UBS MD

  24. Posted by UBS MD | October 22, 2011 at 6:34 PM

    I take it you work at UBS.

  25. Posted by M D | October 22, 2011 at 8:37 PM

    Sorry, thought you said UPS, carry on.

    – UPS MD

  26. Posted by Guest | October 24, 2011 at 9:50 AM

    Wow…these UBS jokes are getting pretty lame. UBS sucks. We got it.

  27. Posted by Jeremy | October 24, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    And the gay nude art shows…

  28. Posted by J. Tree Bro | October 24, 2011 at 12:49 PM

    I take great offense to that comment. Despite our recent $2 billion loss, my company's doing great, and I for one couldn't be happier.

    -UBS MD who got his bonus in the form of gasoline for his Civic.

  29. Posted by Squirrel Master | October 24, 2011 at 5:31 PM

    Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, Uncle Bernie is my bitch!
    Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail… FRUIT!
    Bernie: Here take it!
    [walks away with Squirrel Master]
    Bernie: I'm somebody's bitch!

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