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Bernie Madoff Couldn’t Be Happier Behind Bars

Maybe, you thought, Bernie Madoff wouldn’t like prison. Maybe, you thought, after a life of luxury, living in an 8X10 would cramp his style. Maybe, you thought, that he’d have trouble earning 14 cents an hour sweeping the floors, after spending several decades ‘earning’ millions making fake trades. Maybe, you thought, he wouldn’t take to an environment wherein taking your pants off means open season on your ass, after coming from a work environment where nobody blinked an eye when he regularly “dropped his trou in the office to ensure that the line of his shirt buttons was precisely vertical,” without the slightest threat of attack. Maybe, you thought, he’d be home sick. Maybe, you thought, he wouldn’t make any friends. Maybe, you thought, he wouldn’t get picked by any fraternities during rush. Well, you couldn’t be anymore wrong. Not only is Berns quickly adjusting and joining all sorts of groups, but he’s having the time of his life.

They call me either Uncle Bernie or Mr. Madoff,” Bernie wrote his daughter-in-law — who had written him, expecting to hear about his suffering. Instead, Madoff told her: “I can’t walk anywhere without someone shouting their greetings and encouragement, to keep my spirit up. It’s really quite sweet, how concerned everyone is about my well-being, including the staff…Madoff told her he was “pumping iron, and had plenty of recreational classes to choose from.” He compared prison to a college campus, with “lovely lawns and trees” and said other inmates treat him with respect and admiration.

Anyway, he’d love to chat more but Ultimate Frisbee practice starts in 5 and he’s gotta shotgun a few beers first. Catch you later.

Madoff ‘Loves’ Jail [NYP]

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41 Responses to “Bernie Madoff Couldn’t Be Happier Behind Bars”

  1. Berns says:

    Were the hell is the dancing pic?

  2. bartleby says:

    other inmates treat him with respect and admiration. in bed.

  3. Raj says:

    I'm too ravaged to get any solce from this..

  4. Guest says:

    told you

    -George Bluth

  5. ShortNaked says:

    No lax? Not very bro like Bernss

  6. Dr_Rosenrose says:

    Left out of this excerpt was the first line in the second paragraph: "But then there are the midnight rapes."

  7. Hotel Butt-ner says:

    Yeah Berns, it's like a college campus where you can play all day but no graduation day for you pal. Now bendover rover.

    You can checkout any time you like, But you can never leave! Hotel Butner

  8. 25th Hour Trader says:

    "…earning between 14 cents an hour sweeping the floors".

    I can understand how he made more money than me while he was on the outside, but for him to out earn me behind bars is just not fair.

    -W. Tilson

    "…said other inmates treat him with respect and admiration."

    You're f*cking right I treat him with respeck. He stole $50B and got away with it for years while I stole $23.17 from 7-11 (net profit since approx $4 fell out during my egress) and was caught several hours later at a nearby IHOP feasting on a rooty tooty fresh ‘n fruity meal courtesy of 7-11.

    -Inmate who is going back to watching The Shawshank Redemption for pointers.

  9. Moneta Guy says:

    Fuck off Bernie, I want to hear something from Jerome Kerviel, the "good" guy

  10. Boggs says:

    Anybody come at you yet?

  11. #F34321 says:

    no rapes….just unwanted hand-jobs.

  12. UBS MD says:

    "…earning between 14 cents an hour sweeping the floors".

    Damn, I wish I could get in on that deal.

    – UBS MD

  13. Guest says:

    Wow…these UBS jokes are getting pretty lame. UBS sucks. We got it.

    • J. Tree Bro says:

      I take great offense to that comment. Despite our recent $2 billion loss, my company's doing great, and I for one couldn't be happier.

      -UBS MD who got his bonus in the form of gasoline for his Civic.

  14. Squirrel Master says:

    Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, Uncle Bernie is my bitch!
    Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail… FRUIT!
    Bernie: Here take it!
    [walks away with Squirrel Master]
    Bernie: I'm somebody's bitch!

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