News, Weighty Issues

Bill Gross Feels Fat

And he wants to talk about it.

The midsection of a 67-year-old is not a pretty sight. No matter how many sit-ups I do during my daily workouts there are no six-pacs there, or anywhere in the vicinity for that matter. I can’t even get a one-pac going. Perhaps that’s because so many Budweiser six-packs made their way downstream over the past half century or so. In any case, not being able to avoid seeing my spare tire, I take my wife Sue’s advice when it comes to weighing herself – do it only first thing in the morning. In this case, there is the additional appeal of lights being dim and if I can creep past the bathroom mirror while turning my head the other way, then all the better.

Sue never mentions the bulge, which is her loving style, but I know she must be looking every once in a while. I try to do the “blousy” thing when I wear tight golf shirts, but there’s only so much material to go around, so to speak. Swimming also presents a problem because in this case the solution is to pull the waistband up above the navel, which is a sight for even sorer eyes. I never let Sue see my backside, however. Having not seen it myself for 20 years, I’m afraid I might tell her to buy a gun and just shoot me before the fat and the cellulite strike again.

That Gross is so ashamed of his body that he’d rather be shot than get a look at his ass is all the more alarming given that he confesses to spend at least 90 minutes working out in the middle of the trading day, every day, no excuses (unless it’s October 19, 1987 and the market is crashing). So he couldn’t possibly be in as bad shape as he thinks he is, meaning either a) he’s got a serious case of body dysmorphia or b) Mohamed El-Erian made a thoughtless joke about there being a little extra BG to grab onto during the lunchtime Conga line. Regardless, he could use your assurances that he looks just fine. And maybe a hug.

Six Pac(k)in’ [PIMCO]

(hidden for your protection)
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38 Responses to “Bill Gross Feels Fat”

  1. Billy G says:

    Does this moustache make me look fat?

  2. suckmesideways says:

    what is wrong with this man…?

  3. guest says:

    He should worry less about being fat and more about being pasty as fuck. And for someone who lives ON THE BEACH? For shame.

  4. Guest says:


    The new PIMCO investor relations strategy is working as planned. Not a single investor managed to overcome the pain of reading about your aging/weight issues, so it looks like this minor section of the letter has been overlooked by all:

    "There are no double-digit investment returns anywhere in sight for owners of financial assets. Bonds, stocks and real estate are in fact overvalued because of near zero percent interest rates and a developed world growth rate closer to 0 than the 3 – 4% historical norms. There is only a New Normal economy at best and a global recession at worst to look forward to in future years."

    We should start talking strategy for the next letter – let me know if you have back hair once you get around to looking in the mirror.

    – PIMCO PR

  5. Guest says:

    for such a yoga buff, he is so un-zen…

  6. TOF says:

    "Sue never mentions the bulge"

    Made it move

  7. early_hominid says:

    Is there a different way to wear swim trunks?

    – Ed Grimley

  8. Stern bear says:

    Not very maculine yes, but to be faiir he lives in newport beach, not jersey.
    best pussy ive ever seen

  9. guest says:

    Get your lazy elietist Ass back in front of the screen and hedge those lousy bets you made! As**oles like you are why we are in the position we are in right now.

  10. guest says:

    "No matter how many sit-ups I do during my daily workouts there are no six-pacs there"

    "Perhaps that’s because so many Budweiser six-packs made their way downstream"

    There's your problem. No matter how muscular your stomach is, if you have any more than a tiny amount of body fat, it won't look like a six pack. The fat covers the muscles.

    While you can target muscle growth by working out a specific body region, you can't do the same for fat. You just draw on fat from all over your body.

    This is why it's stupid to spend time doing sit ups unless you already have a really lean stomach. You should just run on a treadmill or something to burn calories faster.

  11. Bonderiffic says:

    Why does my portfolio feel so thin?
    -Tony Horton

  12. Guest says:

    He thinks he has problems? He needs to talk to Roseanne. She's like Ginnie Sack from the Sopranos-they cut a 95 pound mole off of her ass.

  13. InHiding says:

    bro….. jew jokes are not taken too lightly here.. you will get a negative rating

  14. Guest says:

    Where's Golden boy?
    I miss his insight.

  15. Guest says:

    Gross is Presbyterian FYI.

  16. Jeff Hoffman says:

    No more Cheesecake Factory

  17. FKApmco says:

    I don't see anything wrong with wearing swim trunks that cover your navel
    -George Soros

  18. PTTFUX says:

    Hows that $250 billion dollar fund doing Billy?

  19. Artie says:

    You can always tell an expert! Thanks for contriubting.

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