Remember Dennis Kozlowski? Bald guy, about yay* high? Actually kind of cherubic-looking, in that you could see him playing Cupid in the school play? Used to run this company called Tyco until he was sentenced to 8 1/3 to 25 years in prison? Anyway, quick story about Big D is that the reasons he’s in jail include but are not limited to: 1) paying himself $105 million in 2000 when maybe he should’ve taken a bit less, 2) outfitting the bathroom in his company-funded apartment with a $6,000 shower curtain that even John Thain said no to when it came to decorating his executive washroom, 3) throwing his wife a birthday party in Sardinia that cost (Tyco) $2 million, on account of the performance by Jimmy Buffett, the togas for the guests, the “ice sculpture of Michelangelo’s David spewing vodka from his penis and a birthday cake in the shape of a woman’s breasts with sparklers mounted on top,” the latter of which do not come cheap, this much we promise you. For all of that and more, D-Koz was found guilty on counts of grand larceny, conspiracy and securities fraud. Anyway, the joint has provided a lot of reflection time for DK, and recently, he sat down to share what’s on his mind.

First, off there are his job prospects once he busts out of this playpen.

Mr. Kozlowski hopes to take a work-release job with Access Technologies Group Inc., a small company in New Canaan, Conn., whose services include job-search training for ex-convicts. But New York state has turned down his request for work release four times. He’s suing to overturn the decision and chafes that Mark H. Swartz, the former Tyco finance chief convicted of similar crimes, already has such a job. If his suit fails, Mr. Kozlowski will become eligible for parole in August, with a first hearing in April. Lucy Baney, who heads Access, said Mr. Kozlowski can take his senior-management post at the company during work release or on parole.

And what about his legitimate years? The benefits of which Tyco investors are still reaping? How quickly some people forget.

Mr. Kozlowski said he believes he was treated more harshly than other convicted former executives. “My sentence is the same as people who brought down Enron and WorldCom,” he said. While those companies disappeared, “Tyco investors have enjoyed living off a lot of the assets that were accumulated by the management team that I had in place.”

Finally, the thing that really chaps his hide- corporate executives who line their pockets at the expense of others. Oh, they chap his hide something fierce.

… Kozlowski says he shares the outrage over corporate greed expressed by the Occupy Wall Street protesters, many of whom wonder why the recent financial crisis didn’t send as many executives to prison as the scandals of a decade ago. “I understand their frustration,” Mr. Kozlowski said in an interview in a visitors’ room here at the Mid-State Correctional Facility.

Seriously- he gets it.

Dennis Kozlowski Talks Jail, Pay [WSJ]

*Yes I know it’s “yea” high but spelling it that way loses its effect. You don’t know my life.

45 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
Show all comments ↓

Comments (45)

  1. Posted by makemoneynotwar | October 21, 2011 at 2:34 PM

    Too bad he didn't get away with it. I think everyone in this biz knows we walk a fine line where legality and ethics aren't as important as winning. And to the winner go the spoils.

  2. Posted by Charlie Sheen | October 21, 2011 at 2:38 PM

    Correction…bi-winning

  3. Posted by makemoneynotwar | October 21, 2011 at 2:41 PM

    My body is a lockbox of diamonds, uranium and assassin nobility.

  4. Posted by Anonymous | October 21, 2011 at 2:44 PM

    and his ex-wife Karen loved him for his looks and charm…

  5. Posted by george | October 21, 2011 at 2:45 PM

    "In the shape of a woman's breasts?" As opposed to man breasts? I guess that would have warranted a stiffer sentence.

  6. Posted by guestapo | October 21, 2011 at 2:45 PM

    I wish I could kill the person who first gave you the impression you were funny.

  7. Posted by Guest | October 21, 2011 at 2:50 PM

    I have a feeling you're an OWS protestor posing as a "banker" to enforce negative stereotypes, or you're a fucking idiot.

    Either way, you're a fucking idiot.

  8. Posted by anon | October 21, 2011 at 2:51 PM

    A convict taking a work-release job counseling ex-convicts about how to find jobs perfectly encapsulates the Obama economy. Let's put that in the jobs bill and get some stimulus dollars behind it.

  9. Posted by makemoneynotwar | October 21, 2011 at 2:51 PM

    I think it was your mom.

  10. Posted by Mexi_Cant | October 21, 2011 at 2:53 PM

    I am stiff from reading the sentence, I do not understand what is the issue.

    -UBS Quant

  11. Posted by Tyson | October 21, 2011 at 2:57 PM

    Looks like bald bull.

  12. Posted by makemoneynotwar | October 21, 2011 at 2:57 PM

    Whatever makes you feel good, sunshine. I don't give a fuck about what you think.

  13. Posted by Guest | October 21, 2011 at 2:59 PM

    But where are the convicts $6,000 shower curtains?

  14. Posted by Texashedge | October 21, 2011 at 3:00 PM

    Minus 87!

    I'm not even mad. I'm actually impressed.

  15. Posted by guest | October 21, 2011 at 3:01 PM

    I'm thinking I need a felony conviction too so that DK can be my headhunter too.

  16. Posted by ShortNaked | October 21, 2011 at 3:01 PM

    Wrong; Soda Popinski sans mustache

  17. Posted by Guest | October 21, 2011 at 3:02 PM

    I think he is an angry little child.

  18. Posted by guest | October 21, 2011 at 3:06 PM

    Them is some niiiice titties.

  19. Posted by Guest | October 21, 2011 at 3:06 PM

    I just like to point out I support both more war and making money off of that war.

  20. Posted by makemoneynotwar | October 21, 2011 at 3:07 PM

    Thanks and respect to you. I don't care that I don't sound or act like the rest of the sheep. It doesn't get me many fans in the office either, but I do get results.

  21. Posted by ShortNaked | October 21, 2011 at 3:08 PM

    Charles Koch?

  22. Posted by BrotherLehman | October 21, 2011 at 3:08 PM

    I'd give him a free hug at the Empathy Table, but if he wants what Ram's getting, it's going to cost that bald bankster a shower curtain.

    –Stacey Hessler

  23. Posted by Financial_Servicer | October 21, 2011 at 3:11 PM

    “They didn’t want vodka-pissing ice sculptures corrupting executives at companies, did they?” Assistant U.S. Attorney Reed Brodsky said.

    “I don’t know what investors want,” Mr. Kozlowski said. “I don’t think that’s a business plan I would put forth, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  24. Posted by guest | October 21, 2011 at 3:12 PM

    bartlby, part deux…

    him and the boys are gonna hit zuccotti later…

  25. Posted by Raskolnikov | October 21, 2011 at 3:15 PM

    Results like humiliating your colleagues, driving your company almost into the ground, and getting thrown in the clink due to greed? Way to go, champ

  26. Posted by Savage Manatee | October 21, 2011 at 3:17 PM

    Why is the penis smiling at me?

    Seriously, I'm serial.

  27. Posted by Guest | October 21, 2011 at 3:21 PM

    Are you by chance around 6'1 and 250 lbs with D1 football experience?

  28. Posted by Guest | October 21, 2011 at 3:34 PM

    Tony Stark

  29. Posted by FKApmco | October 21, 2011 at 3:34 PM

    Wronger: Mr Clean after he spent 4 years working 12-16hrs/day in a cubicle

  30. Posted by Guest | October 21, 2011 at 3:36 PM

    Don't feed the troll

  31. Posted by Cut Me | October 21, 2011 at 3:39 PM

    I believe he is a former male model still trying to get a dick in an orifice…err I mean foot in the backdoor.

  32. Posted by bartleby | October 21, 2011 at 3:42 PM

    Wow, you have deeper issues than I do. Very comforting.

  33. Posted by Balto | October 21, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    I always felt bad about what happened to Vic Mackey.

  34. Posted by momentus | October 21, 2011 at 3:46 PM

    commercial real estate broker?

  35. Posted by hop skip jump | October 21, 2011 at 3:55 PM

    Bess – you're right that I don't know your life, but how about we get together sometime so I can fix that. Let's say Minetta's at dusk? I'll be in possession of a dictionary and thesaurus.

  36. Posted by Slider | October 21, 2011 at 4:00 PM

    Crash and burn, huh Mav?

  37. Posted by PermaGuestII | October 21, 2011 at 4:19 PM

    I know, right? I mean wtf- I thought one generally got pretty jacked in prison, what with the lack of good food and other distractions aside from the gym.

  38. Posted by Anon | October 21, 2011 at 6:59 PM

    If I'm getting $105 mill a year I'm not using a fucking shower curtain. Those things stick to my leg when I am doing my "Just Arrived through Time Travel" Terminator pose every morning before starting my day.

  39. Posted by jeff hoffman | October 21, 2011 at 10:43 PM

    With 10% unemployment he's probably landed the only gig available for an unemployed convict, making his new job that much harder.

    "Hey, I'm an ex-con and I need a job"

    "Sorry, this one's taken."

  40. Posted by Anon | October 22, 2011 at 10:45 AM

    Pics or didn't happen.

  41. Posted by Outside Looking In | October 22, 2011 at 1:45 PM

    this is true…regardless what anyone says….it is a cut throat business…. you don't have so much competition to get a job just so you can go make an average paycheck and live an average life..
    just as the saying goes "nice guys don't run restaurants" …. nice guys don't go into banking.

  42. Posted by guest | October 24, 2011 at 1:04 PM

    This site has gone to the shitter. I used to laugh out loud, while wasting my time reading. Now it is just a waste of time.What happened to the witty sarcasmic posts???!!!

  43. Posted by guest | October 24, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    I should say "witty sarcasmic replies'. The posts are still good (sans Matt)

  44. Posted by Fernando Houston | October 9, 2012 at 2:29 AM

    Well that is a disgrace! I don't know if I would still consider this sweet or still crazy. Imagine, a $6,000 shower curtain? Our blinds perth was expensive as it came all the way from thailand, and it's just $2,500! I think she just needs to pay for it, no need to sue him.

  45. Posted by Pat | June 17, 2013 at 10:24 PM

    Assholes of the world….