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Guy Who Used Company Funds To Throw Wife Birthday Party Featuring Vodka-Pissing Ice Sculptures And Fireworks Made Out Of Breasts Morally Offended By Corporate Greed

Remember Dennis Kozlowski? Bald guy, about yay* high? Actually kind of cherubic-looking, in that you could see him playing Cupid in the school play? Used to run this company called Tyco until he was sentenced to 8 1/3 to 25 years in prison? Anyway, quick story about Big D is that the reasons he’s in jail include but are not limited to: 1) paying himself $105 million in 2000 when maybe he should’ve taken a bit less, 2) outfitting the bathroom in his company-funded apartment with a $6,000 shower curtain that even John Thain said no to when it came to decorating his executive washroom, 3) throwing his wife a birthday party in Sardinia that cost (Tyco) $2 million, on account of the performance by Jimmy Buffett, the togas for the guests, the “ice sculpture of Michelangelo’s David spewing vodka from his penis and a birthday cake in the shape of a woman’s breasts with sparklers mounted on top,” the latter of which do not come cheap, this much we promise you. For all of that and more, D-Koz was found guilty on counts of grand larceny, conspiracy and securities fraud. Anyway, the joint has provided a lot of reflection time for DK, and recently, he sat down to share what’s on his mind.

First, off there are his job prospects once he busts out of this playpen.

Mr. Kozlowski hopes to take a work-release job with Access Technologies Group Inc., a small company in New Canaan, Conn., whose services include job-search training for ex-convicts. But New York state has turned down his request for work release four times. He’s suing to overturn the decision and chafes that Mark H. Swartz, the former Tyco finance chief convicted of similar crimes, already has such a job. If his suit fails, Mr. Kozlowski will become eligible for parole in August, with a first hearing in April. Lucy Baney, who heads Access, said Mr. Kozlowski can take his senior-management post at the company during work release or on parole.

And what about his legitimate years? The benefits of which Tyco investors are still reaping? How quickly some people forget.

Mr. Kozlowski said he believes he was treated more harshly than other convicted former executives. “My sentence is the same as people who brought down Enron and WorldCom,” he said. While those companies disappeared, “Tyco investors have enjoyed living off a lot of the assets that were accumulated by the management team that I had in place.”

Finally, the thing that really chaps his hide- corporate executives who line their pockets at the expense of others. Oh, they chap his hide something fierce.

… Kozlowski says he shares the outrage over corporate greed expressed by the Occupy Wall Street protesters, many of whom wonder why the recent financial crisis didn’t send as many executives to prison as the scandals of a decade ago. “I understand their frustration,” Mr. Kozlowski said in an interview in a visitors’ room here at the Mid-State Correctional Facility.

Seriously- he gets it.

Dennis Kozlowski Talks Jail, Pay [WSJ]

*Yes I know it’s “yea” high but spelling it that way loses its effect. You don’t know my life.

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45 Responses to “Guy Who Used Company Funds To Throw Wife Birthday Party Featuring Vodka-Pissing Ice Sculptures And Fireworks Made Out Of Breasts Morally Offended By Corporate Greed”

  1. makemoneynotwar says:

    Too bad he didn't get away with it. I think everyone in this biz knows we walk a fine line where legality and ethics aren't as important as winning. And to the winner go the spoils.

  2. Anonymous says:

    and his ex-wife Karen loved him for his looks and charm…

  3. george says:

    "In the shape of a woman's breasts?" As opposed to man breasts? I guess that would have warranted a stiffer sentence.

  4. anon says:

    A convict taking a work-release job counseling ex-convicts about how to find jobs perfectly encapsulates the Obama economy. Let's put that in the jobs bill and get some stimulus dollars behind it.

  5. Tyson says:

    Looks like bald bull.

  6. guest says:

    Them is some niiiice titties.

  7. BrotherLehman says:

    I'd give him a free hug at the Empathy Table, but if he wants what Ram's getting, it's going to cost that bald bankster a shower curtain.

    –Stacey Hessler

  8. Financial_Servicer says:

    “They didn’t want vodka-pissing ice sculptures corrupting executives at companies, did they?” Assistant U.S. Attorney Reed Brodsky said.

    “I don’t know what investors want,” Mr. Kozlowski said. “I don’t think that’s a business plan I would put forth, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  9. Savage Manatee says:

    Why is the penis smiling at me?

    Seriously, I'm serial.

  10. Balto says:

    I always felt bad about what happened to Vic Mackey.

  11. hop skip jump says:

    Bess – you're right that I don't know your life, but how about we get together sometime so I can fix that. Let's say Minetta's at dusk? I'll be in possession of a dictionary and thesaurus.

  12. Anon says:

    If I'm getting $105 mill a year I'm not using a fucking shower curtain. Those things stick to my leg when I am doing my "Just Arrived through Time Travel" Terminator pose every morning before starting my day.

  13. jeff hoffman says:

    With 10% unemployment he's probably landed the only gig available for an unemployed convict, making his new job that much harder.

    "Hey, I'm an ex-con and I need a job"

    "Sorry, this one's taken."

  14. Anon says:

    Pics or didn't happen.

  15. guest says:

    This site has gone to the shitter. I used to laugh out loud, while wasting my time reading. Now it is just a waste of time.What happened to the witty sarcasmic posts???!!!

  16. Fernando Houston says:

    Well that is a disgrace! I don't know if I would still consider this sweet or still crazy. Imagine, a $6,000 shower curtain? Our blinds perth was expensive as it came all the way from thailand, and it's just $2,500! I think she just needs to pay for it, no need to sue him.