As you may have heard, when the housing market collapsed, California was hit pretty, pretty, pretty bad. Particularly screwed was the town of Merced, which is third only to Las Vegas and Vallejo, CA in “metropolitan-area foreclosures,” where “builders were [once] coming into the area by the bulkload” and are now desperate to put warm bodies that can pay something, anything in the hundreds of empty houses. It’s obviously a very depressing situation, unless you happen to be a student attending school at the University of California-Merced, in which case, ka-motherfucking-ching. According to the Times, UC-M undergrads, whose school enrolls 5,200 but only has enough on-campus housing for 1,600, are moving into the nearby McMansions en-masse, creating a win-win for all.
The finances of subdivision life are compelling: the university estimates yearly on-campus room and board at $13,720 a year, compared with roughly $7,000 off-campus. Sprawl rats sharing a McMansion — with each getting a bedroom and often a private bath — pay $200 to $350 a month each, depending on the amenities…students willing to share houses have been “a blessing,” said Ellie Wooten, a former mayor of Merced and a real estate broker. Five students paying $200 a month each trump families who cannot afford more than $800 a month.
And for less than $100 extra a month, you can score yourself an even sweeter set up, new friends and the opportunity to have a major news outlet take gratuitous* pictures of you in the bath** where it appears as though you’re about to be electrocuted.
Heather Alarab, a junior at the University of California, Merced, and Jill Foster, a freshman, know that their sudden popularity has little to do with their sparkling personalities, intelligence or athletic prowess. “Hey, what are you doing?” throngs of friends perpetually text. “Hot tub today?”…Gurbir Dhillon, a senior majoring in molecular cell biology, pays $70 more than his four housemates each month for the privilege of having what they enviously call “the penthouse suite” — a princely boudoir with a whirlpool tub worthy of Caesars Palace and a huge walk-in closet, which Mr. Dhillon has filled with baseball caps and T-shirts…Jaron Brandon, a sophomore and a senator in the student government, does his homework in the Jacuzzi in his six-bedroom house, on a waterproof countertop that he rigged over the tub.
There are, of course, a few minor downsides to McMansion life, like the hobos (“Lance Eber, the crime analyst for the Merced Police Department, said vacant houses were frequent targets of theft, most recently of copper wiring. They also attract squatters, who sometimes encamp beneath covered patios, he said”), vying for parking spots (“one parks on the street, two park in the garage and two in the driveway. Whoever is getting up for an 8 a.m. class parks last”), yard work (“after an unsuccessful attempt at tending the yard with a hand mower, they now pay $50 a month to a gardener”), and the neighbors, who are having a hard time swallowing the fact that they’re living alongside kids when they were banking on stay-at-home moms of loose morals.
“Everybody on this street is underwater and can’t see any relief,” said John Angus, an out-of-work English teacher who paid $532,000 for a house that is now worth $221,000. “This was supposed to be an edge-of-town, Desperate Housewifey community,” he said. “These students are the reverse.” Mr. Angus pays $3,000 a month, while student neighbors pay one-tenth of that. “I think they’re the luckiest students I’ve ever come across,” he said somewhat bitterly.
If it’s any consolation, though, it’s not as though they’re not grateful. “You definitely appreciate it when you visit your friends at other schools and they say, ‘O.K., sleep on the floor,’ ” Mr. Dhillon told the Times.
Animal McMansion: Students Trade Dorm for Suburban Luxury [NYT]
*“Should we illustrate the story with a kid standing in front his 5-bedroom house or maybe stage him and his friends studying around the pool out back? No, let’s get him in the bathtub.”
**Can we really be the only ones who feel like we should be calling child protective services?
Is Pedo bear swimming in that tub?
Of all things, this has to be the NKI
Doesn't he get all wrinkly? I get all wrinkly. He must get all wrinkly!
"I think they're the luckiest students I've ever come across."
Yeah, we're so lucky to be attending UC-Merced…
college kids paying the mortgege? why didn't i think of that before i took the 60bil write down that put us out of business.
-former Merrill Mortgage back quant risk manager
"college kids [parents] paying the mortgage"
fixed that for you.
God, and we are going to hire one of them one day ……
Do you know a lot of firms that hire from University of California-Merced?
Hey, Merced isn't that bad. I heard they just opened a food court in the local mall
UBS?
Justin Bieber says: Forget the telly we just go to the crib
and watch a movie in the jacuzzi smoke L's while you do me
Get that kid a haircut, a tan and to the gym
- UBS virginity quant
It's Tron baby! I'm living for the citaaaaaay!
Clearly, attending UC-Merced is the NKI…
That's until you graduate and you have to hand out a resume that says you graduated from UC Merced
Hello: I'm an English teacher who bought a $532,000 house in Merced, California. Obviously I failed math and economics.
why is there a picture of Justin Bieber in his bathtub?
Occupy Merced!
Being an out of work English teacher and living in a half a million dollar home is the NKI
Well you know my name is Simon and I like to do drarwrings….
[youtube bIHeKQ1uqdA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIHeKQ1uqdA youtube]
The point isn't the degree (an out there firm might hire an art history grad from Yale, etc), the point is UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA MERCED.
Heather Alarab,
We look forward to welcoming you to our prestigious firm after your academic accomplishments are finished in the spring.
-Home Depot
I'm pretty sure the Sons of Anarchy rule Merced. The local club was patched in awhile ago.
1%
So where will they live when they default on their student loans?
[Right click]
[Set as background]
- Jerry Sandusky
Under the house.
timing isn't the issue…it will always be wrong.
Perhaps Mr. English Teacher can rent his house out to the Galindo Cartel as a stash house. Monetize that shit holmes.
I am pretty sure that the picture has a decent chance of ultimately being the lead-in to a Darwin award story.
In Zuccotti Park with the rest of those smelly pirate hookers.
These college chicks don't put out like the moms with two kids in diapers do.
- The Mailman
"Gurbir Dhillon, a senior majoring in molecular cell biology, pays $70 more than his four housemates each month for the privilege of having what they enviously call “the penthouse suite”.
Unfortunately, his name is Gurbir rendering the pimped out suite absolutely useless to him…
I am guessing picking UC Merced over UC Riverside is the NKI for UC applicants
Yeah, but does he have a garbage disposal in the drain?
Jacuzzi, sir?
yo Matt, pay attention here…
see what Bess did with the tags, learn something today.
"Jaron Brandon, a sophomore and a senator in the student government, does his homework in the Jacuzzi in his six-bedroom house, on a waterproof countertop"
Talk about work experience. That's what U.S. Senators do too!
All part of our groundbreaking new degree in forclosure studies.
"Aren't you worried about being electrocuted?"
"I tied my laptop to the radiator."
Is he in the sink or is that a full size tub?
–Guy who would never let a 4 yr old play with his Leapfrog in the tub
What if he goes by G-Unit?
You're right you shouldn't have used the money of people with math and economic degrees to enjoy living in a nicer house than you would have otherwise been able to afford with no recourse back to you if the price went down yet reap almost all of the upside if it went up.
It was totally crazy of you to do that
Half to three quarters of the traders in this field are doing it because they are good at it and damn smart.
The remainder had a family friend or relative that helped them get their first job on a desk.
Anyone with a degree from UC Merced better have a LOT of connected friends.
Jacuzzi? See, I knew you all was faggots!
Living in the nicest place you will ever be able to afford at the age of 19 is the NKI.
Yeah, totally some airhead teacher's fault — not, you know, the bank that gave an airhead teacher a $532,000 mortgage.
Better question, why is said teacher still paying on that house? Walk away you dumb ho.
"college kids [non-dischargeable, government backed student loans] paying the mortgage"
fixed that for you.
looks like they're going to revise up expected employment rates at graduation
Don't believe Mr. Hand said the bank was fault-less but a modicum of personal, individual responsibility is due.
Meanwhile the bank is laughing it up because this dumb ho is still paying on that mortgage so in the end the bank's win.
Guy obviously teaches a little too much Lord of the Flies and not enough Merchant of Venice or Dr. Faust.
I personally wouldn't be getting in that tub without a serious bleaching.
~person who has heard of this thing called "internet porn"~
It moved.
Hes waiting for white rabbit to peak!
MILFs >> future OWSers
No, I'm pretty sure timing is the issue. That's why it's funny now. Last week, not so much.
Now I know to pursue my higher education at University of California-Merced.
maybe if he anglicized his name to Goober he would do better
If it's still wrong, keep walking then.
but they said it was going to be an "edge of town, desperate housewives community!!!"
un, Merced is NOT "Southern California."
It's Fresno.
yeeesh,
Serious q- if you graduate from one of those places, does your degree read "University of California – [West Bumblefuck]" or just "University of California"?
-non-state-school grad
Obviously Bess needs a lesson in geography, because Merced is in NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, not Southern California.
-The O.C.
wearing a swimsuit in a jacuzzi is for wusses.
Dhiraj "million dollar cock" Arora
Dont call it that
Jerry Sandusky took that picture…….
Too Houlihan; didn't Lokey.
I'm glad companies ( ResCap, Dynegy, etc) always fulfill their responsibility instead of filing.
Large Bold Script at the top "University of California" — in smaller print below conferee's name states "given at" [Berkeley, Los Angeles, Merced] – at least that's what the one's I have seen look like.
FTW!
It's a $57 million cock, you choot.
oooh i see what you did there
Mr. Angus pays $3,000 a month, while student neighbors pay one-tenth of that. “I think they’re the luckiest students I’ve ever come across,” he said somewhat bitterly.
—————–
Suck it up Princess… You're the one who believed the lies of the National Real Estate Association and the development industry. No one put a gun to your head to buy that stucco McMansion.
Mr. Hand clearly inferred that the teacher's [lack of] intelligence and investment savvy resulted in her signing for a half-million dollar house. The "professionals" that offered the woman a $530k loan are innocent of any wrong doing!
See, this is kind of like being on the high school football team. For soem of these students it will be in the highlight of their life.
UC Merced grad #1: "Dude, do you remember that sick place we had in college?"
UC Merced Grad #2: "Yeah, awesome! We had our own fucking jacuzzis, man!
UC Merced Grad #1: "Sweet! And the chicks!"
UC Merced Grad #2: "Yeah I almost made out with Preema from stats class that time, remember that?"
*Ding*
UC Merced Grad #1: "yeah!…oh shit someone's in drive-thru…."
Watch a movie in the jacuzzi, puff Ls while you do me – Notorious B.I.G.
Safe to say Gurbir will literally never experience that.