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Jon Corzine Will Have You Know That Each Time A Door Closes, A Bigger, More Fucking Awesome One Opens

As you may have heard, early this morning, Jon Corzine resigned from MF Global. According to the former Goldman Sachs CEO/US Senator/Governor of New Jersey, the decision to walk away from the brokerage firm was not easy to make and he remains on call to “continue to assist the company and its board in their efforts to respond to regulatory inquiries and issues related to the disposition of the firm’s assets.” What Corzine is doing right now, at this exact moment, remains a mystery, as does his location, which some people are none too happy about. CNBC, for example, has reporters staked out at all three of Corzine’s residences (Hoboken, Manhattan, Long Island) and are vowing not to leave until he emerges to cough up some answers. While we’re not yet prepared to haul him into our interrogation room and “do this the easy way or the hard way,” we, too, have a few questions. Such as:

– Has he thought about getting a jump start on perfecting his world famous cranberry walnut stuffing?

– Will he reveal his plans to take gold in rhythmic gymnastics next summer in London?

– Is he planning to run for office?

– Will he shave his beard?

– Has given any more thought to Occupying David Tepper’s lot?

– Is he considering suing the photographers who only captured 85% of his wedding last year?

– Has he shot a text to Lloyd to see if he can get his old job back?

– Will he start decoupaging again?

– Has he begun angling to become an outside advisor to Jefferies?

– Will make good on years old promise to  go pheasant hunting in Hank Paulson’s back yard?

– Has he weighed the option of laying low working as a night janitor at MIT?

– Will he put the fat jokes that were never used on Christie to use at the Laugh Factory‘s next open mic night?

– Is he actively scouting for other small, fledgling companies in need of leadership?

We’re waiting.

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95 Responses to “Jon Corzine Will Have You Know That Each Time A Door Closes, A Bigger, More Fucking Awesome One Opens”

  1. Anonymous says:

    When is he available for an interview?

    -UBS MD

  2. Guest says:

    -Is the meeting that we scheduled for next week re. potential acquisition targets for MFG still on?

    -UBS MD

  3. Guest says:

    Does he want a jello shot to take the edge off?

    L. Tilton

  4. MCM says:

    We're starting a new fund together

    -Nails

  5. Anonymous says:

    Will you marry me?

    -Kim

  6. ShortNaked says:

    Is he going to just sit on his couch, stroke his beard, stare off into the distance and ponder the meaning of life?

  7. Guest says:

    Joining me at the Booth MBA class reunion.

    – J. Meriwether

  8. Guest says:

    Does he need a hug?

    -Stacey Hessler

  9. lex luthor says:

    This headline is spot on. The doors at butner get larger and larger as you progress toward solitary, to facilitate the dragging of shackled prisoners. How the hell would BL know that?

  10. s cheslock says:

    would he like me to sponsor him for membership in YP (YOUNG PRESIDENT'S CLUB), and would he like to buy a BIG house in GREENWICH ?

  11. The Truth says:

    I've been through, what three, maybe four, bigger more fucking awesome doors. Just lay low for a while, start spreading some chatter by the water cooler that you're thinking of coming back, and boom you're in the game again. It's NBD.

    – JWM

    • John Meriwether says:

      Oh I get it. The signature is in sorority monogram form.. the Whitney is in the middle and the Meredith is at the end and we are talking about actual instead of metaphorical doorways.

  12. Cruise & Travolta says:

    Hey Jon, easy with the lingo there.

  13. Guest says:

    How about adopting a pig?

  14. sme says:

    we're good…

    – every MF employee

  15. Jon Corzine says:

    My work at MF Global was done.

  16. Kenny Powers says:

    I’m sick and tired of carrying all the weight. The coaches and owners not giving me the sh*t I need to win. MFGlobal – you're f*cking out! Jon Corzine is now a free agent!

  17. Eric says:

    What percentage of his time at MF was dedicated to the strategic planning of fly-fishing ventures?

  18. guest says:

    Bess are you looking for one more ex-goldie??

  19. R. Fuld says:

    He's with me at Legend Securities.

  20. Patrick Bateman says:

    Hey Geither, you still want to retire?

  21. ACDC says:

    He should follow Goldie alumni Hank Paulson and "help out " the environment. He can step through the bomb bay doors to save the spotted owl, since he is the "bomb". Financially that is.

  22. Fixed Income says:

    The press release when he joined MF mentioned that he was a co-sponsor of Sarbanes-Oxley while in the Senate. It would be a tragedy if that came back to bite him in the ass. He has been a failure at every thing he has done in the last 12+ years. If it weren't for his time at Goldman, he would currently be playing bongos in lower Manhattan.

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