News

Hank Paulson Didn’t Want To Teach You About The 80 Different Types Of Manure Anyway

As many of you know, to call Hank Paulson a fan of birds would not do justice to the special relationship between the former Treasury Secretary and his feathered friends. Birds get nine mentions in his memoir (verus Warren Buffett’s six), he was said tofreak out when [they’d] fly into the glass windows of 85 Broad,” they’ve become the third person in his marriage (Wendy Paulson, also a huge fan, was apparently “jealous” of a recent outing Hank took without her, preferring to have them all to himself), they were the ones he was referring to when he said 20 percent of the staff at Goldman added 80 percent of the value, and, despite having to neglect them in order to deal with the whole Bear Stearns situation (he said he was sorry and he meant it), birds have remained unflaggingly loyal, among HP’s closest confidants, the sources of his most joyful and precious moments in life and just really great buddies. That’s why it doesn’t hurt that people aren’t banging down his door to kick back and watch the game over some non-alcoholic beer and learn about the observable differences among types of manure.

The other day, with the now homeless Occupiers still flooding the streets downtown, railing about bailed-out bankers, Henry Paulson, the former Treasury Secretary, Goldman Sachs C.E.O., and bailout architect, was uptown, taking a nature walk in Central Park. It was a drizzly day, and Paulson showed up at the Boathouse wearing a baggy suit and carrying a London Fog rain jacket. In person, he seems less like the “Superman” villain Lex Luthor, whom his grandchildren thinks he resembles, or William Hurt, who played him in “Too Big to Fail,” and more like a park ranger, full of jerky energy. “My wife’s jealous,” Paulson said, of his walk in the Park. (His wife, Wendy, is a naturalist who led bird walks there when the couple lived nearby.) Spotting a logbook where visitors record bird sightings, he flipped through until he came to a good entry. “See, this is someone who knew what they were doing,” he said and read off the species: “Everything from a house finch to a tufted titmouse and an Eastern towhee.”

Paulson doesn’t meet many hecklers, but he did have one bad encounter, about a year ago: “I was in the airport, and this guy kept staring at me. And he said, ‘Are you Hank Paulson, the Treasury Secretary?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’ And he said, ‘Do you really hate it when people come up to you like this?’ And I said, ‘Oh, no, people usually thank me or say something nice.’ And he looked at me, very perplexed, and said, ‘Yeah, I guess people try to be polite, don’t they?’ ” Near Bow Bridge, Paulson headed toward the western edge of the Park, where a car was waiting. “You know, I’m not looking for more friends at this point,” he said. “Everybody would rather be liked than not liked, but . . .” He trailed off. There was a stink in the air, and Paulson identified it: “Horse manure. I grew up on a farm—I know the smell of horse manure. It does smell better than pig manure.”

Probably feeling a bit regretful about not trading digits with him now, aren’t you, guy? Too little, too late, not that he cares. His manure knowledge is reserved for those who actually give a shit.

Birds And Bankers [New Yorker]

62 comments
(hidden for your protection)
Show all comments

62 Responses to “Hank Paulson Didn’t Want To Teach You About The 80 Different Types Of Manure Anyway”

  1. New Yorker says:

    Paulson continued, "Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word 'manure.' You know, it's, it's 'nure,' which is good, and a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. When you consider the other choices, 'manure' is actually pretty refreshing."

  2. Wilbur says:

    “Horse manure. I grew up on a farm—I know the smell of horse manure. It does smell better than pig manure.”

    Hey!

  3. Guest says:

    I just thought he was real quiet.

    – Billy from 4C

    • Pretty Bird... says:

      That's it! I've had it with this dump! We got no food, we got no jobs, OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!!

  4. Guest says:

    That bad encounter really didn't seem so bad.

  5. I'm more of a Luscious Legrat than a Tufted Titmouse, personally.

  6. Barrow Boy says:

    I see them right tufted titmouse birds down Romford way as well. You should come ave a look some time, shag.

  7. BrotherLehman says:

    You're all taking the horse manure. Now. No, you can't call your boards. You're all fucking taking it right fucking now or I'm calling your regulator to make you fucking take it. And you're giving us back preferred manure. Sheepshit. You fucking got that? Good. Just so we're clear.

    –Hank P.

  8. The Truth says:

    tufted titmouse > or < blue footed booby

    – guy who didn't know ornithology could be so sexual

  9. Ranger Rick says:

    It was later noted that the longbook was
    found to contain some graphic, violent
    strangely sexual comments and imagery
    depicting Jon Corrzine and the bearded robin.

  10. Mr. "Hank" Clean says:

    Perhaps if I didn't play with all that $hit, I may have not lost my hair…

  11. Barrett says:

    Did anyone else notice that Paulson overestimated the flow of the Amazon by a factor of over 1,000 times? Aside from doing the math, if you accept that Lake Superior holds 10% of the earth's fresh surface water, it is easy to why his statement cannot be true.

    • Patrick says:

      According to Wikipedia:
      the water volume of Lake Superior is 12,000 cubic kilometers;
      the average discharge of the Amazon River is approximately 209,000 cubic meters per second.
      Based on those figures, according to my calculations it would actually take approximately 15,948 hours (1.82 years) for the Amazon River to discharge enough fresh water to fill Lake Superior.
      I hope Secretary Paulson had superior sources of information while discharging his duties during the financial crisis.

  12. Guest says:

    He's Cuckoo

  13. oem software says:

    tsdgwV A round of applause for your blog article. Really Cool.

  14. Buddy Ruckle says:

    Contact your dad via skpe or oovoo

  15. Hi, I need a Facebook coupon code please, I need to advertise my facebook web page, is CompuSocial is often a community for share information about Computers, cell phones, ios, android etc, wait around for answer many thanks.

  16. aXwUWg Major thanks for the article. Will read on…

  17. This is one awesome article post.Really looking forward to read more. Cool.

  18. istatistik says:

    Say, you got a nice blog article. Awesome.

  19. I appreciate you sharing this article.Really looking forward to read more.

  20. Really informative article.Thanks Again. Cool.

  21. Really enjoyed this blog.Really thank you! Keep writing.

  22. Very good post.Thanks Again. Keep writing.

  23. Major thankies for the article post.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.

  24. satnam says:

    Thanks so much for the blog.Thanks Again. Much obliged.

  25. videos says:

    Very good blog article.Really thank you! Cool.

  26. Drum Samples says:

    Very informative blog.Really looking forward to read more. Keep writing.

  27. Muchos Gracias for your blog.Much thanks again. Fantastic.

  28. Thanks again for the article post.Really looking forward to read more. Great.

  29. Enjoyed every bit of your article post.Really thank you!

  30. Looking forward to reading more. Great post.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.

  31. I loved your blog.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome.

  32. Actor says:

    Im grateful for the blog.Really thank you! Great.

  33. Thanks so much for the blog article.Thanks Again. Really Great.

  34. Major thankies for the blog.Really looking forward to read more. Will read on…

  35. Muchos Gracias for your blog article.Really thank you! Fantastic.

  36. I loved this says:

    Awesome blog post.Much thanks again.

  37. Erotismo says:

    Thank you ever so for you post.Really thank you! Awesome.

  38. cheap awning says:

    Major thanks for the blog article.Thanks Again.

  39. Thank you for your blog post.Really thank you! Fantastic.

  40. Really appreciate you sharing this post.Much thanks again. Fantastic.

  41. Thanks again for the blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.

  42. A big thank you for your blog post. Great.

  43. Great, thanks for sharing this article post.Thanks Again. Fantastic.

  44. new media says:

    Hey, thanks for the article post.Really thank you! Much obliged.

  45. hotel deals says:

    Awesome blog. Cool.

  46. Thanks again for the post.Thanks Again. Awesome.

  47. vet says:

    Im grateful for the post.Thanks Again. Cool.

  48. Major thanks for the article.Really thank you! Cool.

  49. Im grateful for the article post.Much thanks again. Really Cool.

  50. lida says:

    Unbelievable. Class..!

  51. Thanks-a-mundo for the blog article.Much thanks again. Really Cool.

  52. Hey, thanks for the article.Much thanks again. Will read on…

  53. EDM says:

    Fantastic post.Much thanks again. Really Cool.

  54. yaz attorney says:

    Thanks so much for the blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.

  55. Thanks for sharing, this is a fantastic article.Really thank you! Really Great.

  56. Really appreciate you sharing this post.Much thanks again. Want more.

  57. workouts says:

    Muchos Gracias for your article.Thanks Again. Cool.

  58. Major thankies for the article post.Much thanks again. Great.