Cuts have gone down at the House of Dougan.
“Layoffs yesterday in NY IBD with just about every group impacted, at all levels. No idea on severance.”
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Bess,
It has been a shit day. I got laid off. And I sat in gum. Will you buy me a drink?
-Ex-CS Analyst, Top-Notch Wing Man
It has been a shit day. This morning I pounded an ass with a piece of gum on it. True story. No homo.
- Ex-Penn State Analyst
Today has been the worst day of my life. You wouldn't even believe what I've been through
-Gum
LOL'd irl
We are actively hiring new Wealth Management Portfolio Managers with active Life and Health Licenses at Northwestern Mutual
REQUIREMENTS:
- Individual does not view ejaculating into a co-workers water bottle as acceptable office behavior
NOP on a roll…you go, girl
Have you seen my friend "Chuy"?
Call us, but don't research us on the internet first.
-Primerica
Someone explain the gum thing to me
“Layoffs yesterday in NY IBD with just about every group impacted, at all levels. No idea on severance.”
I know banks are all giggly when celebrities are around but does Joan work for them?
Put some clothes on first!
As you can see, the money saved by headcount reductions has helped us perfect out Michael J. Fox / Hugh Jackman hybrid clone.
Not sure, but the CS severance will probably be Trident layers.
Standing by…….
A CS guy told me he got laid off while at Wrigley Field.
8 mins of foreplay is sufficient, TJB. Double our pleasure, double our fun, pls.
No but I will.
– ML
TRIDENT LAYERS!!!!!
Severance package….shake shack double stack?
-Hungry CS Analyst
yes….
I've a good package but am still part of the 99%
I could describe it, but I'd rather you do it, Joke Briefer.
Wipe that sneer off your face, Neutral!
I know everyone likes to make jokes but hearing about massive layoffs again after the industry went through it just a few years ago is depressing.
Never in my life has my name been associated with something as awful as this post.
-The Real Sandusky
Dearest FKApmco and all:
Let's allow the joke portions of our collective brains to get a bit wrigley here as we attempt to orbit the comments of "Ex-CS Analyst, Top-Notch Wing Man" and do an "x-spearmint" in jocularistic quanting.
The delightful Miss Levin set up the field of play with her winterfresh post on the employment troubles at CS. A study of the comment section will provide juicy fruit for us to pick from the low hanging branches of quick wit and snappy patter.
Ex CS Analyst reported he/she lost his/her job and, to add insult to injury, sat on a piece of gum. He/she defined the multiple experiences as a "shit day". He/she requested that Miss Levin buy him/her a drink as though that would be a token remedy. (The path of jocular intent becomes clouded at this point as paths of gigglarity could bifurcate at the acceptance or denial of such an offer¹.)
Pouncing on the "shit day" theme, commenter "Sandusky" combined current events of alleged nittany buggery with EX CS Analysts gum-based lament. Several puns along the line of incidents with gum, brands of gum and even an alleged comment by a piece of gum soon followed in rapid succession. Such a barrage of puns punished the mind of ShortNaked, a prominent member of the Commentariat and a request for elucidation was made.
Your Joke Briefer suggests that if one doesn't find Occam's Razor to be dull, a simple answer² to ShotNaked's query is possible and the gag can be disassembled with a bazooka explosion of pieces.
I have consulted with my colleagues and we feel that at a responsible joke auction, the thread would have more value for its entirety than its parts. In SOC (stream of consciousness) guffaw creation³, the value of the joke is based on the association of loss of job from CS and sitting upon gum. Each requires some additional unwanted tasks to be performed and overcome.
Researching "shit day" and "sat in gum" produced substantial references to self medication among consumers of certain hemp products but could not be immediately identified as any continuing social meme example.
I would suggest that ShortNaked was chewing on the comments at that time and, despite his rapier wit, was looking too far afield for a Big Red indicator when a softball implication was bunted before him.
TLDR: Opportunistic punsters layered the comments of Ex CS analyst for their own, and our, amusement without a known meme reference.
I hope that helps,
The Joke Briefer
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1. "Honor and Offer – And I Was On Her and Off Her All Night", by Sheckenfreud, WTF Press, page 334.
2. "In Soviet Russia, GUM store Chew You!", Yakov Smirnoff, Zil Press, page 23.
3. "Will You Fucking Guys Ever GROW UP? – An Auditor's Guide to Dealing With Oil Traders" Chapter 5 – Pranking Auditors, Kivisto Press, page 776.
Instigator.
Could you please elaborate?
I am an idiot I cant even read comments and chew gum at the same time.
They's 2 types of financial analysts: Them that will be let go one day and them that already have.
Enlightened work
God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
-TD no ZH
Well done. But, please don't say "buggery." It reminds me of my first year at Eton…
- Unfortunate Yank.
A couple of DVD's or VHS's and you'll be right as rain, Wing Man.
You slay me.
Oh, come on. Censorship? Really?
Don't get me started.
-Whiteboard Marker
Matt??
You keep it up and pretty soon they'll ask for your keys to the place.
Well, I can tell you the backdoor is always open as long as you know not to ask.
What about The League references?
tyft.
-OP & Lone +1er
Based on the flagrant or near-flagrant use of a thesaurus here,
TheJokeBriefer = Former editor of the Crimson ?
Dearest Joke Briefer,
Though your response was enlightening and informative, as always, your response failed to make the "stride" necessary to provide the commentariat with the full background of the joke.
While chewing gum has been consumed for over 5000 years, the reference in question originates from a mere 1000 minutes ago, approximately. The first commentor above began this lovely Friday morning with a "pop" by essentially fishing his presumed peers to see which of us, if any, had watched last nights especially humorous episode of The League entitled "The Out of Towner" (FX Network, 10:30 ET / 11:30 C).
The episode begins with one of the main characters, Pete (Mark Duplass), criticizing his four closest friends for being inadequate "wingmen," as he says he has not performed the act of sexual intercourse in some time and requires their moral and social support to help him find a potential female prospect. Pete is then exited and filled with hopeful anticipation as one of the members of the group confirms that their old mutual friend, Chuck, who had moved away some years ago, will be in town visiting that weekend. Chuck was apparently gifted with the perfect balance of confidence and humor and would hopefully be able to provide Pete with the "ice breakers" necessary to end his "dry spell."
Pete then recalls a fond memory of Chuck as the scene cuts to a 2003 flashback at a watering hole where we are introduced to Chuck for the first time. Flashbacks are a common technique among sitcom directors as they provide the viewer a quick and often humorous background into the history of one or more characters, providing the audience with a scene that may be referenced later in the episode. In this particular flashback, Chuck is seen talking to two young ladies at a bar, both of whom appear to be good potential mates as they seem to be healthy, hygienic, and attractive. Contrary to the western-hemisphere common bar stereotype, where the male buys a potential female partner a drink, Chuck asks these two ladies if they would buy him a drink, causing the ladies to be somewhat taken back. Almost immediately afterward, Chuck tells them that he just remembered "the worst thing," but he hesitates to divulge further until the young ladies press him for an explanation, to which he points downward and replies, "I sat in gum!"
Though the camera does not pan in the direction all three characters are looking, the viewer takes note that the two ladies clearly show an expression of shock and confusion. They begin to laugh as they realize Chuck had been less than truthful with his explanation. Pete then walks into the scene in green medical scrubs and a stethoscope an assures them that, as a doctor, that was not gum on Chuck's pants, but rather it was a scrotum! This is a very uncommon mix up, indeed, and likely causes a guffaw from the audience, who were not expecting this turn of events.
"Ex-CS Analyst, Top-Notch Wing Man," above, combined the unfortunate layoffs at his most recent firm with the "worst thing" from last night's episode–sitting in gum! On the surface, it would be quite an unfortunate "sticky situation" to have one's employment ended on the same day that one sits in gum, but as he claims to be a "top-notch wing man, " the commentariat can assume that he did not sit in gum at all, but rather his scrotum is currently protruding out of his zipper! Due to this being such a goofy image, the commenatiat might then question whether this commentor really worked for Credit Suisse at all, or whether in reality he works for another employer.
Though a female buying a male a drink, if the hypothetical literal circumstance was true (getting laid off proceeded by sitting in gum, or vice-versa), would not be uncommon, Bess, the female writer of this post and the drink requestee, is "fresh" enough to see this humor and she chooses to ignore the initial post and go about doing her job.
-Not The Joke Briefer but a Fan of His Work
——————-
1. "The Out of Towner." The League: Season 3, Episode 9. FX Networks, originally aired 1 December 2011. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2108322/
2. "Chew on This: How to Remove 5000-Year-Old Chewing Gum from 2000-Year-Old Coffee Tables," Penguin Books, New York, 1992, page 241.
3. "The Gentleman's Scrotum: A Guide to Proper Scrotum Usage," John Bridges and Bryan Curtis, Brooks Brothers Publishing, 1999.
Correct. See below.
A fantastic screed, sir! While I was only unable to give but 1 "like" to your screed, you should note that it was a very "big like" indeed¹. While I missed the episode you disected so well, it clearly proves you to have the best analysis of the thread's tenticular "titter" development² (pardon the expression) as you so quanted so well. In this case I am not ashamed to say that I was merely "George S. Kaufman" to your "R. J. Perelman."
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1. "We Like 'Em Big" – The History of Female Sexual Partners Among Cohorts of Houston Based Energy Traders 1980 to 1986, Schwertner & Sherman, Texas A&M Press, page 225.
2. "Pathing Cranio-Synaptic Link Breaks and Uncontrollable Rediculopathic Verbal Response to Cause Laughter Among Accountants", Baylor College of Medicine's In House Magazine "Ouch", January, 2009, page 14.
CS employees get paid in Trident Layers, Aw man no on ever wants to pay me in gum…
Ps. UBS sux.
Please volunteer for the Freelance Writer offer on Dealbreaker.