Edwards
Maybe you just got fired or think you’re going to be fired in the not too distant future and would like to line up a new gig now. Maybe you’re gainfully employed but looking to score some cash on the side. Maybe you’re a humanitarian who wants to help the good if socially awkward men of the world get laid. Maybe you love hitting on women but would have a tough time explaining to your wife why they came home with you. If you’ve got both the skills to reel in the ladies (as well as the ability to separate the “fun-loving” pieces of ass from those who refuse to spend 10 minutes posing for pictures, the bitches) and the selflessness to offer them up to a brother in need, maybe you should consider becoming a wingman– professionally. “But, Bess, do you really think people would pay me to help them pick up chicks?” Yes, in fact, I do.
Cort Johnson, 27, is an affable guy who’s skilled at promoting his company—a mobile-application start-up he co-founded. But when it comes to socializing, especially with women, he tends to clam up. “I’d like to be romantic,” he sighs. “But how?” For Mr. Johnson and many others, the answer is “hire a coach.” Hoping to meet some prospects at a holiday party in December, Mr. Johnson enlisted Thomas Edwards, who runs a service called “The Professional Wingman.” For a fee of $125, Mr. Edwards accompanied Mr. Johnson to the event and posed as his good pal. As they negotiated the crowd, the wingman alerted his charge to flirtatious types and helped make seamless introductions.
[...]
At the Boston holiday party called “Ugly Sweater Night,” Mr. Johnson had slipped in with his wingman. Revelers, dressed in blinking Christmas sweaters, sipped bottles of beer and shimmied to the rap song, “Bust a Move.” Mr. Johnson, wearing a Santa hat, scanned the room and homed in on a blonde woman in reindeer ears dancing with two friends. “She looks fun,” he told his wingman. “I’ll go in,” Mr. Edwards replied. Moving quickly, he saw that one of the women had a camera and asked if he could take the group’s picture. Giggling, they huddled together. But when a few people behind them tried to squeeze into the picture, the women stopped posing and looked annoyed. In their pre-event strategy session, Mr. Edwards had determined that Mr. Johnson is inclusive and fun-loving and needs the same in a partner. He backed away and shook his head at Mr. Johnson, signaling that the young woman wasn’t worth pursuing. “I’m an extension of Cort. If that turned me off, it will definitely turn Cort off,” said Mr. Edwards…near midnight came Mr. Johnson’s breakthrough. A woman he had talked to earlier, and had liked, sat in a chair pointed away from her table. He walked over and sat on her lap. Mr. Edwards stared, astonished. The woman’s hand went up and around Mr. Johnson’s shoulder. “I love it!” Mr. Edwards said. “I knew Cort had this in him.” A short while later, Mr. Johnson reported back to his tutor, grinning, and with the woman’s phone number. Though he was a friend for hire, Mr. Edwards’s enthusiasm seemed real when he slapped Mr. Johnson’s back and shouted, “Good job!”
If you’re not ready to go full-time, consider freelancing to try things on for size. Surely there must be someone in your office you could approach today offering your services, unsolicited? Let them know that you couldn’t help but notice they don’t do so well with the ladies and take it from there.
On a Wingman and a Prayer: Singles Bow to Cupids-for-Hire [WSJ]
Mr. Edwards,
I'm considering going stag to South Boston Junior High's graduating class dinner dance and could use some pointers on how to nail the girl of my dreams. Your input would be greatly appreciated.
We reiterate our strong sell rating on Cort Johnson. Despite some evidence to the contrary, we are unable to to see a path for Cort to become ass-flow positive in the next several years.
-S&P
If you need to hire a pro wingman, perhaps you were not meant to breed.
That is some nappy headed bro
- D. Imus
Who said anything about breeding?
- guy who'll nut in your eye
Suck it Chuck
Four words for you Cort…Penn Station Taco Bell
I believe you misread the title Mr. Epstein. It was "Beat Women Off With a Stick For Fun and Profit" not "Women Beat Off A Stick For Fun and Profit"
Buckwheat wasn't exactly a cocksman so I'll stick with roofie coladas…
I would love to party with this dude.
- guy who is serious and also loves to party
Pimpin' ain't easy
If that dude can make a living as a professional wingman then I'm in the wrong business.
What dumbasses! To meet girls fast, just put a flashlight down the front of your pants and turn the light on while acting like nothing unusual is happening.
Beat an egg?
I could use a wingman while I search for some fresh meat.
On an unrlated note, Mr. Edwards was seen leaving an "Ugly Sweater Night" with a blonde wearing reindeer ears.
Dis guy pays ME to be his friend.
-C. Gizzle
I tried to get in on a gig like this, it didn't go so well.
-Former high flying 3rd year analyst.
In Malta, we beat women off with a trident.
Was that reindeer named "Dancer"?
-Guy Who Cracks Himself Up
Examining my motives….
Left Coast IBs could get this guy's help. Hey Yoga Girl……
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-8IPDR4Khc
Please for the love of god tell me you didn't write this and this is a simple cut and paste job. If so you're fired for wasting company time.
-Your boss.
Seriously, you needed a wingman with PMCO?
–Guy who is wondering what this world is coming to
I needed you back in May, but now the only wingmen I need in France are wine, cigarettes, and the ability to buy Hermes.
- DS to the K
Or "Blitz"-in.
- Guy who follows up terrible jokes with worse ones
Hey!
And if I work for the SEC . . .?
pmco isn't that type of girl
-not pmco but a fan of her work
Thanks to my wing man I picked up a girl I been tryin to fuck since the 12th grade. It ironic I had the booze she had the chronic the Lakers beat the Supersonics.
Or Donner?
- Guy who got neither the first joke, nor the subsequent two.
pmco isn't (that type of redacted) ^a girl.
there fixed that for you
Not likely, all the SEC offices are on lock down in anticipation of the latest "Weapons of Ass Destruction" update. Their servers will be a little slow for the foreseeable future.
Donder is a reindeer.
Donner is the name of a bunch of people who got lost in the snow on the way to California and ate each other (not in sexual way, in a Hannibal Lecter way.)
You should be able to put up a decent NSFW video link?
Starfishing
It is 74 today in Santa Monica…I so do not want to fly back.
If you need to hire management consultants, perhaps you were not meant to run a business.
-1 Dunder is a reindeer
-The Ghost of Blixem
One gorrilla, two gorrillas, whats the difference?
-Joey, Longshoreman, PANY/NJ
“I knew Cort had this in him.” Mr. Edwards proceeded to place a stained broomhandle on the table at arm's length.
Man, Gary Coleman looks fantastic.
-P. Drummond
pmco could tell you were a loser from a mile away, she does not deal with amateurs
Are you saying all black people look alike….Examine your motives mister.
Naw, quite the opposite. He resembles a specific black person.
"Recurring meme" affirmative motive examination defense. See previous posts re: David Spade/Christene LaGarde and Leo Cooperman/Ernest Borgnine.
Hey!
This article has inspired me to continue working on my own blog