Those of you who’ve been in the working world for a while have probably experienced the IM softball/soccer/basketball thing. What you probably haven’t experienced is being on a team that actually puts in the work to go all the way, rather than simply showing up to dick around for a free tee-shirt and to maybe get trashed with colleagues after games. For the men who’ve earned the privilege of serving on the JPMorgan 2012 London basketball team, things are going to be a bit different, as noted in the extremely detailed strategy email sent out by its amped up captain and obtained by Deadspin. For starters, in addition to two training sessions (plus games) each week, there’s going to be homework. Come prepared and it’s all good; show up not knowing your shit and so help you god.
From: redacted at jpmorgan dot com
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 7:11 PM
Subject: TrainingFellas,
Thanks to all of you who were able to attend last night’s session. I’m amped because we are finally approaching the right commitment levels to become a really strong squad. We have a very talented group of individuals, but our growth as a team will be dictated by the amount of work we put in together. I hope you guys share my enthusiasm for what we can become.
Last night’s session was the first in which we’ve had ample numbers to look at both sides of some of the plays so I took advantage of the opportunity and went through as much theory as possible. This will not be our typical training, but I felt it was necessary to get as many people up to speed as possible. Moving forward, I would like to spend the first ½ hour to hour on theory and repetition of the offensive and defensive sets both that we run and that we anticipate other teams running against us. From there we will move into skills training and drills with the post players and guards working separately. We will close each training with a controlled scrimmage to implement the sets we learned in the first hour. To keep the theory section limited, we will need to do some homework collectively, so I will send a description of the position responsibilities on each play in advance. If we come to the session prepared we should be able to zip through that portion.
As a recap for guys who couldn’t make it last night, we went over the following topics:
I have detailed only the ones which we will use in this Saturday’s gameOffense:
2-3 Zone attack—The zone wants to do two things, prevent high percentage shots (penetration and post up opportunities), and force us into jumpshots. So naturally we want to get post up opportunities and penetration but we have to do it unconventionally, and we want to avoid taking quick shots from the wing.
We use a 3 guard set spread a little further out on the wings (each guard 12-14 feet apart), power forward(4) starts low and moves to the free throw line as the point guard crosses half court. He operates at the free throw line extended following the ball from side to side and sealing. Center(5) operates in the low post at the short corner sealing either ball side or weak side. We initiate with a pass to the high post if possible at which point he turns and looks to pass to the low post breaking the zone. If we cannot use the entry pass to the high post we use the safety pass to one of the guards. From there we look to skip the ball quickly from guard to guard to stretch the defense or we make shallow penetration(This means we will penetrate only until the help comes then make kick out passes) and passes around the perimeter until we can get post entry passes. We have one rule, no long jumpshots until we have either a post player touch or a skip pass.Carolina (modified zone attack)—see [redacted]‘s email
Box and 1 attack—
Motion Offense (Man 2 Man attack)
Man 2 Man press attackDefense:
Man 2 Man help defense (The only defense!!!!) – We operate the help defense with three rules…
1. If you are one pass away from the ball, you are in ball, me, man position with your inside foot on the help zone(paint) – (never turn your back on your man or the ball!!)2. If you are two passes away from the ball, you are in ball, me, man position with you inside foot on the help line( middle of the paint)
3. If you are beside the man who helps, help down to his man
Please take some time to catch up on these so we can use them in Saturday’s game.
Just to make sure everyone is aware, the training sessions have moved to the following times:
Tuesday runs 10pm-Midnight @ Damilola Taylor centre
Saturday runs 12:30pm-2:30pm @ FlaxmanSat 21st Jan
Tues 24th Jan
Tues 31st Jan
Tues 7th Feb
Tues 14th Feb
Sat 18th Feb
Tues 21st Feb
Sat 25th Feb
Tues 28th Feb
Tues 6th Mar
Tues 13th Mar
Sat 17th Mar
Tues 20th Mar
Tues 27th Mar
Sat 31st Mar
And don’t forget to clear your schedules for Sunday, February 19th, when he brings in Phil Jackson to teach everyone the nuances of triangle offense. Then get on his back and ride him to the championship.
A J.P. Morgan Vice President Has Very Specific Tactical Plans For His Rec League Basketball Team [Deadspin]
what a fag.
I'm in. Last week I fucked around and got a triple double.
The captain of our club lax team in college was just like this dork. Tried to make us run sprints in club lax practice. It's like, dude you're here because got cut from varsity, the rest of us are here because we don't give a fuck and wanna toss the rock around every now and then.
But he was the only one who took the initiative to fill out the forms and all so we had to listen to him.
Hire this man!
-David Khan
FTNW
Even odds this guy is still a virgin.
So this is what they do when times are slow….whatever. I prefer to smoke pot at lunch but that's just me.
http://i.imgur.com/oUVty.gif
My dear fellow,
We play football here.
Most eloquent regards,
England
Well, at least now I know why my interview at JPM went sour after I mentioned my multiple acl surgeries.
Who knew that Matt played basketball? This must be the post grad AE Pi team
Any chance this guy's last name is Levine?
Seems a little too intense for me.
- Bob Knight
a real banking vp – finally he has something more than one exhausted, demotivated analyst to boss around and immediately he goes on a powertrip worse than adolf h's '40-'45 binge…
HR had to intervene once they found out this guy went through the entire corporate directory to solicit interest in joining the team from black employees.
Dear wanker,
In the US this is shit we all learned in 3rd grade. If you wanna win find a ringer or two who can stroke and everyone else play d and board.
On the flip side I bet your team picture in front of one of one of those nifty busses or old phone booths is pretty slick.
Yours,
JV allstars across the land
Sorry guys I would have taken that internship but the lockout ended…
if rec league basketball was your only chance to get penetration, you'd be that intense too
Sounds like someone is still upset about not making the JV team in HS.
1) Join JPM Basketball team
2) Take the iniative, behave like a natural leader and send out mails specifying moves and tactics
3) ???
4) Success
what do you do to cover up? usual eye drops, hand sanitizer, brush teeth, try to act normal routine? or do you just go the I don't give a fuck route?
effing white people
It's 4) Profit.
Fucktard.
the email sounds even better in a british accent!
I have a vintage pen modified into a one hitter…from there I prefer to brush my teeth and use visine' but at the end of the day carelessness is a factor.
Guys, I have great intel on this week’s game vs JPM. They are expecting a 2-3 Zone D, so we are just going to run an 0-5 zone. I have no idea what that is, but neither do they. Just play hard and try to get some steal, blocks, and rebounds. Jimmy was on a house team at Harvard, so on offense, just try to get the ball in Jimmy’s hand. Uh, any questions?
BarCap Team Captain
Do we need to do this again?
I can't wait to try this!
coach don't worry about defense, i'll just score more points, or at least take more shots.
C. Anthony
Adolf H. is a friend of mine
- CG
…we make shallow penetration(This means we will penetrate only until the help comes
Two things:
1. Deep penetration works better
2. Why are they penetrating their maids? What happened to secretaries and interns?
"me and wayne lean like Kareem doin' hook shots"
If your MD asks why your eyes are red just say you swam laps during lunch and forgot goggles.
also… the team-building post game blaze seshs
I'd bet Brad Stevens emails were like this when he was still at Eli Lilly. Fuck him.
It's 3) Profit.
Fuckwit
'Cuse was looking at me, but my Dad wanted me to go to his alma mater. So long story short, that's why I'm playing club here at a d2.
With women, no doubt.
Jeezy had the best line in that song. [in regards to slamming a chick in his coupé] You ever bust ten nuts in a 2-seater? / She said, "I can't feel my legs", I'm like, "Bitch me neither"
This guy is definitely an American — a few of them work in London, especially for US banks — and a shining example of why the rest of the world cringes at the thought of us.
- ex-pat in London
Ditto.
Being "amped" about a sport not sponsored by Mountain Dew is the NKI.
My style: lax shorts (when I'm not hooking up), nice shorts, croakies, turf dogs, mid-calfs and a sweet pair of shades.
kill yourself.
Fucko
A team played a box and one against my college rec team. The one guy they guarded man was our only black dude. He got so fed up he left at halftime. We lost by 25.
Black guys and rec hoops. Sounds very non-peer.
Imagine how pissed this guy is going to be that his strategy is now known to all.
ya, against UBS.
Gio?
Woops, forgot to include that on Friday March 16th, the night before the playoffs begin, we'll be meeting to go over my JV highlight reel. We won states that year (and I was runner up mvp) so everyone should be able to pick up a thing or two.
- JPM VP
All that and he still lacks the essential element for ultimate domination.
– Guy who's really freaked out by the SF eyeball
knowing sick rhymes from the early 90's is the NKI
lax is for homos and indians.
I'm adding JPM to my list of post retirement options.
I thought they went to London only to escape obsessive ex's.
No.
Going to JPM D League basketball practices in a shitty area of South London to get a job is the NKI.
Bain consultants ran up the score on JPM. Time to go work for a real bank
-Citi Banker