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The Testicle of the West

Nikita Khrushchev, the former First Secretary of the Soviet Union, once remarked, “Berlin is the testicle of the West. When I want the West to scream, I squeeze on Berlin.” Given the EU’s current predicament, I find this statement prescient. But the people of Berlin could not care less about that predicament. In fact, most Berliners find Greece a bore and Portugal simply a destination for fast, easy women. So why am I so captivated by Chancellor Angela Merkel’s painful pandering and yet also sympathetic with Germany’s plight?

Germany has served as the antithesis to the rest of the EU’s character these last four years in fiscal policies, labor markets, free trade, and general stability. In my mind, Germany is basically being gangbanged by the rest of the EU, while paying handsomely for a reach-around. Yet it’s hard not to acknowledge that the nation’s surging economy has been made completely dependent on the needs and desires of other European nations to purchase exports while keeping said goods and services cheap and affordable. In fact, next to China, Germany is the largest international exporter. With that in mind, perhaps it’s understandable that many people I’ve spoken with don’t appreciate Merkel’s international importance. Many Berliners appear dumbfounded after learning that she can be found on page one of the NYT and WSJ almost weekly. As one gentleman here remarked, “She must make your newsstands much less desirable.”

Most Berliners don’t like Merkel, but can’t really say why. All the attacks I’ve heard are of the ad hominem variety, referring directly to her looks. Pulling from a cigarette, one Berliner told me, “Her fucking haircut is embarrassing for this city,” before collapsing on the bar in laughter.

Although the Germans tend to act indifferent towards their country’s newfound responsibility in keeping the EU from collapse, they admit that politics have completely ground to a halt these past few years. But to Germans, failure is not an option. No “bailout” is too big. There is no chance of Germany breaking away from the EU or printing its own currency. Basically, this is a blip in the EU’s (hopefully) long history. As a bar patron expressed, “Keep the tobacco rolling and the pilsner flowing. These … these are the things that keep Germany functioning.”

As Klaus Wowereit, the mayor of Berlin, stated this past year, “We want for Berlin to become richer while staying sexy.” One can’t help but agree.

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70 Responses to “The Testicle of the West”

  1. John Kruk says:

    There goes the market on scrotum-related nicknames…

  2. guesticles says:

    New direction Matt? I like it!

  3. sylvio says:

    Chancellor Angela Merkel = ULA
    Unfuckable Lard Ass

  4. Wall St. Dude says:

    Awesome post.

  5. BrotherLehman says:

    I'm betting Greece's monthly nut is larger.

  6. Ivan Drago says:

    I will crush you

  7. Lenny D says:

    John Kruk looking svelte these days!

  8. Guest says:

    Germany has herpes and the rest of europe is suing for being lied to?

  9. Harry Pelotas says:

    No doubt Merkel has the balls to deal with the nuts bitching to her. Her economic plums are a true hanging ornament of her administration that spuds the efforts to drill down into the German economic family jewels. For whom do those bells toll? They toll for the economic sack of Greece and the hanging brains running the show shouting "Bollocks!"

  10. Jordan Belfort says:

    Merkel cleavage pics or it didn't happen.

  11. Colton Sniderstein says:

    Damn it!

    -Chaz Bono

  12. Alan_Stanwyk says:

    And in a related story, Merkel said that when she wants the west to scream she "forgets to wear panties with her lederhosen while addressing the UN and and accidentally drops her strudel…

  13. HAM05 says:

    lights on, de checkbook in hand

  14. Im_a_Dude says:

    so Bess, tell us about the new DB staff, this "Dealbreaker Berlin Bureau Chief" posting from berlin bars late at night.

  15. Matt's Mom says:

    I'm so disappointed in your illicit language Matt, is this why you used "Berlin Bureau Chief" So I wouldn't know?

  16. Lord Humongous says:

    Will the Dealbreaker Berlin Bureau Chief be reporting on the scheisse culture?

  17. Ed Balls says:

    this article is bollocks

  18. Long Dong says:

    I'm thinking that Angela needs a testicle because there ain't no other way she's getting laid

  19. Ivan Drago says:

    I must break you.

  20. Guest says:

    It can't be Matt because there aren't any charts. Also, Matt's articles make sense, whereas whoever wrote this:

    "Yet it’s hard not to acknowledge that the nation’s surging economy has been made completely dependent on the needs and desires of other European nations to purchase exports while keeping said goods and services cheap and affordable."

    probably got fired from UBS macro research.

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