• 11 Jan 2012 at 3:58 PM

The Testicle of the West

Nikita Khrushchev, the former First Secretary of the Soviet Union, once remarked, “Berlin is the testicle of the West. When I want the West to scream, I squeeze on Berlin.” Given the EU’s current predicament, I find this statement prescient. But the people of Berlin could not care less about that predicament. In fact, most Berliners find Greece a bore and Portugal simply a destination for fast, easy women. So why am I so captivated by Chancellor Angela Merkel’s painful pandering and yet also sympathetic with Germany’s plight?

Germany has served as the antithesis to the rest of the EU’s character these last four years in fiscal policies, labor markets, free trade, and general stability. In my mind, Germany is basically being gangbanged by the rest of the EU, while paying handsomely for a reach-around. Yet it’s hard not to acknowledge that the nation’s surging economy has been made completely dependent on the needs and desires of other European nations to purchase exports while keeping said goods and services cheap and affordable. In fact, next to China, Germany is the largest international exporter. With that in mind, perhaps it’s understandable that many people I’ve spoken with don’t appreciate Merkel’s international importance. Many Berliners appear dumbfounded after learning that she can be found on page one of the NYT and WSJ almost weekly. As one gentleman here remarked, “She must make your newsstands much less desirable.”

Most Berliners don’t like Merkel, but can’t really say why. All the attacks I’ve heard are of the ad hominem variety, referring directly to her looks. Pulling from a cigarette, one Berliner told me, “Her fucking haircut is embarrassing for this city,” before collapsing on the bar in laughter.

Although the Germans tend to act indifferent towards their country’s newfound responsibility in keeping the EU from collapse, they admit that politics have completely ground to a halt these past few years. But to Germans, failure is not an option. No “bailout” is too big. There is no chance of Germany breaking away from the EU or printing its own currency. Basically, this is a blip in the EU’s (hopefully) long history. As a bar patron expressed, “Keep the tobacco rolling and the pilsner flowing. These … these are the things that keep Germany functioning.”

As Klaus Wowereit, the mayor of Berlin, stated this past year, “We want for Berlin to become richer while staying sexy.” One can’t help but agree.

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Comments (70)

  1. Posted by John Kruk | January 11, 2012 at 4:06 PM

    There goes the market on scrotum-related nicknames…

  2. Posted by guesticles | January 11, 2012 at 4:08 PM

    New direction Matt? I like it!

  3. Posted by sylvio | January 11, 2012 at 4:10 PM

    Chancellor Angela Merkel = ULA
    Unfuckable Lard Ass

  4. Posted by Wall St. Dude | January 11, 2012 at 4:13 PM

    Awesome post.

  5. Posted by Wall St. Dude | January 11, 2012 at 4:14 PM

    The dealbreaker post, not this dude above me.

  6. Posted by BrotherLehman | January 11, 2012 at 4:18 PM

    I'm betting Greece's monthly nut is larger.

  7. Posted by Lance A. | January 11, 2012 at 4:18 PM

    I know, right?

  8. Posted by Ivan Drago | January 11, 2012 at 4:19 PM

    I will crush you

  9. Posted by Under Your Desk | January 11, 2012 at 4:19 PM

    What about the dude below you?

    …tickle….tickle…..

  10. Posted by Lenny D | January 11, 2012 at 4:21 PM

    John Kruk looking svelte these days!

  11. Posted by Guest | January 11, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    Germany has herpes and the rest of europe is suing for being lied to?

  12. Posted by Harry Pelotas | January 11, 2012 at 4:25 PM

    No doubt Merkel has the balls to deal with the nuts bitching to her. Her economic plums are a true hanging ornament of her administration that spuds the efforts to drill down into the German economic family jewels. For whom do those bells toll? They toll for the economic sack of Greece and the hanging brains running the show shouting "Bollocks!"

  13. Posted by Jordan Belfort | January 11, 2012 at 4:55 PM

    Merkel cleavage pics or it didn't happen.

  14. Posted by Colton Sniderstein | January 11, 2012 at 4:59 PM

    Damn it!

    -Chaz Bono

  15. Posted by Alan_Stanwyk | January 11, 2012 at 5:02 PM

    And in a related story, Merkel said that when she wants the west to scream she "forgets to wear panties with her lederhosen while addressing the UN and and accidentally drops her strudel…

  16. Posted by John Kruk | January 11, 2012 at 5:03 PM

    Kill yourself.

  17. Posted by HAM05 | January 11, 2012 at 5:03 PM

    lights on, de checkbook in hand

  18. Posted by Alt_EST | January 11, 2012 at 5:03 PM

    "It" could be "Bess makes out with Jess from Vulture" and "it" wouldn't be worth having to see Merkel's cleave.

  19. Posted by Wall St. Dude | January 11, 2012 at 5:06 PM

    hee…hee.. (hands clasped, right shoulder moves up slightly toward cheek of slanted head, a slight blush)

  20. Posted by guest | January 11, 2012 at 5:11 PM

    In communist Russia strudel drops you

  21. Posted by Dolph Lundgren | January 11, 2012 at 5:14 PM

    It's "I must break you."

  22. Posted by John Kruk | January 11, 2012 at 5:27 PM

    Fair enough.

    -Guy who knows a good compromise when he sees it

  23. Posted by Im_a_Dude | January 11, 2012 at 5:35 PM

    so Bess, tell us about the new DB staff, this "Dealbreaker Berlin Bureau Chief" posting from berlin bars late at night.

  24. Posted by PermaGuestII | January 11, 2012 at 5:49 PM

    Perhaps this is why the Opening Bell has been printing early.

  25. Posted by Van Patten | January 11, 2012 at 6:00 PM

    I'd actually like to hear how Nervous Jew feels about this…

  26. Posted by Matt's Mom | January 11, 2012 at 6:17 PM

    I'm so disappointed in your illicit language Matt, is this why you used "Berlin Bureau Chief" So I wouldn't know?

  27. Posted by Lord Humongous | January 11, 2012 at 6:25 PM

    Will the Dealbreaker Berlin Bureau Chief be reporting on the scheisse culture?

  28. Posted by Double Entendre | January 11, 2012 at 7:04 PM

    Scat!

  29. Posted by Ed Balls | January 12, 2012 at 7:13 AM

    this article is bollocks

  30. Posted by Long Dong | January 12, 2012 at 8:58 AM

    I'm thinking that Angela needs a testicle because there ain't no other way she's getting laid

  31. Posted by Ivan Drago | January 12, 2012 at 8:59 AM

    I must break you.

  32. Posted by Guest | January 12, 2012 at 10:03 AM

    It can't be Matt because there aren't any charts. Also, Matt's articles make sense, whereas whoever wrote this:

    "Yet it’s hard not to acknowledge that the nation’s surging economy has been made completely dependent on the needs and desires of other European nations to purchase exports while keeping said goods and services cheap and affordable."

    probably got fired from UBS macro research.

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