The good news is that UBS has some money to pay employees. The bad news is that there may not be enough to go around for everyone, depending on how things spread out.
We get our numbers on Wednesday. Group head made it clear this morning that there would be “quite a few zeroes and worse” across IBD. Total comp down in the neighborhood of 70%. Six-figure sums have been allocated to entire groups (in the neighborhood of 50 people)
Civics for everyone!
-UBS Bonus Quant MD
Quite a few zeros and worse… clawback? yikes.
"And worse"? Are they going to issue invoices?
In the sense there will be a lot of '95 Preludes being traded in for 1990 Civics.
"Six-figure sums have been allocated to entire groups (in the neighborhood of 50 people)"
…so 1 BarCap VP = a UBS group?
So if we all get zeroes, I make as much as my boss. Hello silver lining!
- UBS analyst
I'm looking out for Bonus Watch '11 not '12
Good thing I didn't have to use that econ major
Is anyone surprised that a tip from UBS includes a typo
UBS MD. That guy is just money.
No, I'm surprised no one has written, "UBS Sucks."
UBS is in the neighborhood of sucking.
No bonus? Fine. If they revoke my Chili's frequent diner card? 2 week notice.
- M. Grounds
As a friend of mine once said, they stopped paying us in March last year, but didn't tell us until February.
worse = jelly of the month club
Hey, it's the gift that keeps giving.
"How come I can't find this "70%" neighborhood on Google Maps??"
-UBS Analyst
Bess, dont you think its time for another Beamers due dili trip?
Fuck.
OK.
-GS MD
It's should pull up soon – give the Honda a couple more minutes
A bill?!?!
-Steve Urkel
I have a feeling that "6 Figures" includes two numbers after the decimal point.
Alright I shall say it…..UBS SUCKS! Also my Bank does as well!
Another failed promise to build a bank.
Yes, i have been nearly a lifer and i am ready for the abuse by all of you. the statement above is nearly true, we are being paid nearly nothing. i am going to be like the teacher in the NYC rubber room. Just collect the salary and do the crossword puzzle. They dont realize that is the outcome. Planes and trains…no, come in late and do nothing, yes. I pity the poor client that picks us to execute their deal as we are dead and our passion is zero. goodbye to the experiment, it has failed. We just need Carsten to give out more contracts and to blame us for it.
guess who's laughing now!
A. Vayner
why do you have to go there
On the positive side at least the boat load of hires will be well rewarded.
Who'd of thought the strategy of :
- Overhiring the rejects of other firms (DB/MS )
- Building new offices for all "senior" managers
- Moving a hotch potch of businesses to NYC
- Changing the dress policy
.. wouldn't lead to massive profits to the firm or employees
"Bonus Watch ’12: UBS"
How do you have a watch for something that doesn't exist? That's like having a watch for virgins the day after prom.
-Trader who feels sorry for UBS employees but not really
Don't forget the money spent on buying out scumers friends company.
To ALL UBS employees,
UBS
Without U, it's just BS
Heard 40% of the Associates on my floor are getting zeros on Wednesday. My boss has already told me he plans to basically stop showing up for work starting Thursday, while advising me to do the same.
Meanwhile, Carsten continues to delight the troops with his recent email that pins poor Q4 financial performance on a lack of employee 'intensity'. This follows other popular Carsten gems such as "show up in a suit on Monday", "let's focus on building the tier-one capital ratio instead of paying bonuses," and "what's a Kweku?"
Who ever won a mandate because of a tier-one capital ratio?
I actually got a call from one of the operations guys last week if I like, REALLY needed that $12 annual subscription to a trade publication. That's what intensity looks like folks. Carsten will not rest untiI he finds out who has been ordering all those red staplers. They are like $3 extra for just being red.
Can anybody tell me what are the hot neighborhoods on Staten Island?
in 2010 I had the opportunity to move from a top tier US IB (now turned into the wall mart equivalent of banking) to Barcap or CS…. I gladly refused and decided to join a BRIC-based bank.
They reward you work by paying real bonuses… pre 2008 style.
It's the gift that keeps on giving all year long, though.
Getting street bonus at UBS is the new Linning
Or layoffs. That recently happened to a few people I know at UBS.
Going to have to move to Bridgeport from Westport.
EM — Still a loser.
We be the ballers… on the buy-side.
In 2010 I had the good fortune to move from the Wal-Mart of banking to the prestigious, premium PrivateEquity firm of Warburg Pincus.
Feel sorry for my former colleagues at MS. They are now flooded with resumes from these UBSers. And the MSers in turn are flooding my presitgious, white-shoe firm of Warburg with *their* resumes.
Glad to have made the Private Equity switch!
Those dolts spend hundreds of millions on ARCHAIC IT systems with non stop patch jobs. Armies of IT guys at $75-$150K a po add up.
the BS CORRIDOR…the street between UBS and RBS in Stamford.
You're going to have to make the trip to Bridgeport, CT
I have NEW OLD STOCK Yugos…will price match any civic. Posting flyers at UBS now.
If employees stop showing up how does UBS expect to continue losing money???
Well, anyone who is still at UBS after all these bad times probably doesn't deserve to get paid. Most of those remaining are either dellusional or downright stupid
As for senior management, it is amazing that Carsten still has a job. He has to be the dumbest guy on the face of the Earth
THE UNEMPLOYABLES. With homes deep in the CT woods..too unemployable and cushy to move. Rather collect their $150K paychecks until they get axed.
Carsten reminds me of AHnold.
i heard ubs is hiring
why does no one like me. i try so hard to be a nice leader of my poor little ubs sheep. please love me and dont hate me because i am so handsome, erudite, German, a wonderful public speaker and the consumate motivator. See those wondergul attributes and care about me!
your friend
carsten
AHnold?
cool story
Moving a hop skotch of businesses?
If you didn't take home what you were looking for… don't worry! Black Bear Saloon is celebrating with Mardi Gras weekend…. rumor has it that beads wil be free of charge!
If the complaining does not cease, I will return from the Transvaal and put the loudest malcontents into a sack full of Marsh Mongooses! Kind regards, Francois Gouws
The beatings will continue until morale improves – O. Gruebel.
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