Dealbreaker’s Business School Bureau Chief is a full-time MBA student at Chicago Booth. Upon graduation, she plans to go back into the same industry and job function as she held before school, and as a result, some observers have questioned the need for her business school education. Though there are occasional moments when she, too, ponders the MBA, our Business School Bureau Chief is bent on proving its worth.
During first-year orientation last year, we had a special 90-minute session on “Compelling Correspondence” or How to Communicate via the Written Word Without Sounding Like a Douchebag. I took the lecture and feedback session in stride, thinking, “What moron would forget to spell-check and do a final read-through?”
A couple of weeks later, I realized my ego was writing checks my body couldn’t cash. I submitted a resume with the following header – in both soft and hard copy – to a Very Important Firm:
Yes, you read that right. Booth of Business. I don’t go to the University of Chicago, Booth School of Business – I go to a booth and in it, I conduct business. But as an aside though … seriously, think of the all the branding and marketing opportunities from that gem of an acronymn, BoB! We could get BoB with guest vox from Haley whatsherface from Paramore, and they could perform Outkast’s B.O.B. at Admit Weekend and Convocation! Okay, maybe those lyrics wouldn’t go over so well, but still. The possibilities.
I didn’t resubmit that resume because I figured it couldn’t be that noticeable (right?). And frankly, if I got dinged immediately for that error, I probably wouldn’t have lasted at that firm anyway. Still, I took the writing lesson to heart. Now paranoid about my next formal submission, The Cover Letter, I struggled with every word. I even polled my friends on proper phrasing.
Me: Is it “bottom-up” investing or “bottoms up” investing? “Bottom up” is the only option that makes any sense (I mean, the alternative involves a “tops down” pairing, which sounds scandalous), but bizarrely I continue to spot “bottoms up fundamental research” in job descriptions.
Final Answer Friend: As far as I know, “bottom-up” is about investing, and “bottoms up” is about beer. Depending on the job, they both may have a place in your cover letter.
That makes much more sense. Hmm. How about this?
Dear Firm X,
I think your bottom-up investing style may jive with the top-down convertible I picture myself driving in three to five years post-MBA. Hire me.
Bottoms up,
Me
I am still waiting to hear back, but I’ll let you know when I do. Soon after, I turned in my last cover letter, sighing with relief that hard writing stuff was nearly over, when I received an unexpected email from a Really Big Deal Investment Bank.
To: Me
From: [Big Deal Bank]
Subject: [Big Deal Bank] PresentationThe [Big Deal Bank’s] Investment Banging Group cordially invites you …
At first, I started panicking. What do I wear to a Banging Group event?!?! Should I bring my nametag? I started doing push ups and sit ups and frantically flipping through my Student Handbook for attire guidelines, before I realized it was a typing error. Phew! I think I’ve got this “close reading” thing down…
From: [Group Co-Chair]
To: [Group Listserv]
Subject: [Group] Social: Wed 1/25, 9pm Start[Group] Members,
This is long overdue. We are finally hosting a [Group] Social this Wednesday night at Old Town Social. Come join us for beverages and appetizers. Details below:
What: [Group] Social
Where: Old Town Social, 455 West North Avenue, Chicago, IL
When: 9:00pm to the min(12:00am, Bar Tab Runs Out), This Wednesday, 1/25
Did you smile when your brain translated the bolded highlight? Good, because that means we can be friends.
True stories, my new friends. Hopefully the message that I learned the hard way is clear to you now: spellcheck is not enough. Read and re-read carefully. You may even find some unexpected gems when you do.
Better than the Wharton kid.
-longtime DB reader
She writes like the type of girl who appreciates guys maxing out their Chase debit cards on her.
What do you wear to a banging group event? Yellow bracelets if you're general admission and white bracelets if you're for VIP only
- Munich Re HR
I like your style kid. Please send a copy of your transcript along with topless photos to our Investment Banging Group and we will make sure to give you some thong consideration.
Niki Marx, Founder Marx NY Capital LLC
http://dealbreaker.com/2011/10/stripper-turned-he…
1. Hire Matt
2. Hire this new stain.
3. ????
4. PROFIT!!!
Matt's sister: -1
Bob Diamond's Student Application Rolodex: +1
I believe jibe is the word you were searching for unsuccessfully. Probably why you didn't hear back from that firm either.
Dear,
Dealbreaker’s Business School Bureau Chief
NOBODY GIVES A F–K!!!!!
Cute thing like you…redoubling your efforts in the booth of business jibes, not jives, with a future at the children's table.
- G. Soros
While we're on the subject, I prefer power bottoms-up.
-B. Frank
"What do I wear to a Banging Group event?!?! Should I bring my nametag?"
=max(nametag, nothing)
[Big Deal Bank] Event Coordinator: Yes?
Business School Correspondent: I'm here for the gang bang?
I for one, give a really big f–k
i.) park my freshly detailed 2006 BMW z4 around 5807 South Woodlawn Avenue Chicago, IL 60637
ii.) ???
iii.) marry girl of my dreams
Is this the slam that went to weekend MBA applicant mixers at Columbia(?) and Booth(?) and came back with drunken stories, but then Bess deleted the posts because the comment section completely torched her? Has to be.
Cute.
An OMG!? and LOL! were the only things missing in that post.
Not true. Name an occasion for which Benny Goodman isn't appropriate when cruisin' around town.
- Corvettekid1969
Do we really need any more MBAs? Isn't the financial world just as fucked up as it can be already?
Bess should send this slam on a blind date with Matt. I'd look forward to the algorithms and modeling, and "her breasts felt like bags of sand" in the blind-date recap post.
I had a spelling problem develop when I was in college. I was bumming around France one summer and quickly ran out of money due to my wastrel ways. I sent word to my Daddy in Tyler that I needed money "so I can go visit the home of a French count…"
He wired back, "Don't know if I should send money to a boy who don't know how to spell…"
no.
She writes like a smoking hot, yet retarded SEC sorority girl, but she goes to Chicago. Mind. Blown.
BRING BACK MUFFIE! BRING BACK MUFFIE!
#occupyMBP
Can we please fire Matt and hire her instead?
Is this written by Erin Booth? Your English is too good to be foreign, and too bimbo to be an AA admit.
A couple of weeks later, I realized my ego was writing checks my body couldn’t cash
You'd be surprised at what you can lever if you put your mind to it.
Lisa F.
yep this chick makes the good old muffdiver sound like a genius
That's a chill story, bro. My Dad sent me to NYU, to explore my bisexuality and become a DJ.
Bring back the Dealbreaker Bookmaker. This sucks.
this is why girls should always cut their teeth a few years in the secretary pool before moving on to grad school
grandpappa –
voglio che questa puttana sul mio coccodrillo
Trite, belabored, unfunny (but not for lack of trying). You're not smart enough to pull off geeky humor.
Had a CFA written this it would be incomprehensible and written in broken english, Chinese, or some Indian dialect. So score one for the Booth of business, MBA>CFA
i think this is brilliant and hilarious. all of you haters, try to write something better and funnier to entertain the rest of us with.
Try signing off with "buns up" rather than "bottoms up." Less ambiguous. And do let us know how it goes.
“Upon graduation, she plans to go back into the same industry and job function as she held before school, and as a result, some observers have questioned the need for her business school education.” Spending 200k to take a two year vacation is the OKI, but what happens if the industry and job function she is coming back to is no longer there?
If you find this 'brilliant', I regret to inform you that you will be finding your name at the bottom of the IQ test results down in the lobby.
– Jim Gorman
…..had this been written by a Columbia MBA it would have also included hygiene tips as well.
It's not that we need more MBAs, it's that B-Schools need the money.
Bless your soul, child
Dear DB B-school sandwich maker,
I have tried using Firefox and Google Chrome. I even restarted my computer, twice. Your pictures still aren't loading. Pls hndle thx.
-Everyone
Everyone sends out a typo at some point in the recruiting process. Thankfully, recruiters are often too daft or careless to pick out the typos anyway. Hope to see more B-school stories about booze, boobs and douche bags.
Silly intern, a Booth MBA is not necessary to accompany me to the South of France
Taking Miles Davis to an appointment…
Show us your tits.
This took me a lot longer to understand than it should have….
That Booth just ruined a great school.
Guest I gotta tell ya, that's absolutely the most poorly formatted satirical business letter I've ever seen. And I used to work at UBS…
Whats a Chicago Booth? Don't see any here
Have to replace the old ones as they die off, I guess.
They are all at Corzine's old office…