Don’t Think He Hasn’t Tried

In addition to being known as one of the most loved and revered businessmen- some would say- ever, a savvy investor and a lover of Cherry Coke, Buffett is known for one thing above all else– going out of his way to awkwardly marry aberrant sex fetish with folksy business wisdom. Some of his greatest hits include telling Bloomberg, on the matter of why people should want to sell their companies to BRK, “You can sell it to Berkshire, and we’ll put it in the Metropolitan Museum; it’ll have a wing all by itself; it’ll be there forever. Or you can sell it to some porn shop operator, and he’ll take the painting and he’ll make the boobs a little bigger and he’ll stick it up in the window, and some other guy will come along in a raincoat, and he’ll buy it.” Telling investors on his decision to buy NetJets, “Once you’ve flown NetJets, returning to commercial flight is like going back to holding hands.” Telling investors, of the housing crisis, “As house prices fall, a huge amount of financial folly is being exposed. You only learn who has been swimming naked when the tide goes out.” Telling CBS, on the topic of bridge: “You know, if I’m playing bridge and a naked woman walks by, I don’t even see her. Don’t test me on that!” Telling Forbes, in 1974, on stocks being undervalued: “[I feel] like an oversexed guy in a whorehouse.” [Forbes changed “whorehouse” to “harem.”] Today he added another track to the album in an excerpt of his annual investor letter to be released this spring.

As part of his argument for why one shouldn’t own gold, he noted, “Beyond the staggering valuation given the existing stock of gold, current prices make today’s annual production of gold command about $160 billion. Buyers — whether jewelry and industrial users, frightened individuals, or speculators — must continually absorb this additional supply to merely maintain an equilibrium at present prices. A century from now the 400 million acres of farmland will have produced staggering amounts of corn, wheat, cotton, and other crops — and will continue to produce that valuable bounty, whatever the currency may be. Exxon Mobil will probably have delivered trillions of dollars in dividends to its owners and will also hold assets worth many more trillions (and, remember, you get 16 Exxons). The 170,000 tons of gold will be unchanged in size and still incapable of producing anything. You can fondle the cube, but it will not respond.

Only, as any Warren Buffett scholar worth his or her salt will tell you, that clearly wasn’t the line of his choosing but rather what Fortune, where it appeared, came up with after rejecting his previous drafts, reminding Buffett that theirs is family publication. We’ve obtained the originals and, in the interest of full disclosure and because its how Warren would have wanted it, will share them now.

* “You can talk dirty to a cube but it will not respond.”
* “You can make obscene gestures in a cube’s direction but it will not respond.”
* “You can buy an apartment in the building a cross from a cube and watch it at night through binoculars but it will not respond.”
* “You can send nude pictures of yourself to a cube but it will not respond.”
* “You can initiate a nice snuggle with a cube in the hopes that it will lead to sex, but it will not respond.”
* “You can run your tongue all around the outer rim of the cube, but it will not respond.”
* “You can tweak the edges of a cube but it will not respond.”
* “You can drill a hole in a cube and fuck the shit out of it but, like a Real Doll, it will not respond.”

Warren Buffett: Why stocks beat gold and bonds [Fortune via Epicurean Dealmaker]

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24 Responses to “Don’t Think He Hasn’t Tried”

  1. Bangher Thataway says:

    What if you drill a hole in the cube and install a vise grip and a paint shaker?

  2. b quick says:

    it moved

  3. King Midas says:

    Tell me about it. I tried to rub one out once and now it's just a paper weight.

  4. Goldfinger says:

    If the cube doesn't respond that means you're doing it wrong.

  5. guestapo says:

    AAA posts like this shouldn't go up after 6:30PM.

    other than that I have no concerns.

  6. ...meh says:

    You can imagine my delight when I looked up "Dairy Queen" in the urban dictionary. And FYI, I'm also the guy in the trench coat.

    -Uncle Warren

  7. Wire says:

    Once you've flown NetJets, returning to commercial flight is like going back to holding hands.

  8. dontshoot_itsme says:

    Bring me the cube. I'll make it respond.

    – Lynn Tilton

  9. Guesteeculos says:

    Maybe you need to get a younger and less-experienced cube?

    J. Epstein

  10. RubiksCube says:

    But you will live longer if you just sit and lovingly stare at the cube for 10 minutes every day

  11. Omaha's finest says:

    When the first cube leaves you to move to SF, just marry a cube from a restaurant down the street…

  12. Guest says:

    One of my favorite Buffett quotes is (something to the effect of), "after flying private, going back to commercial is like going all the way back to holding hands again."

  13. Tseug says:

    Does the cube swallow?

  14. Abe_Froman_ says:

    Warren has obviously never seen my golden dildo collection
    -Jeffrey Gundlach

  15. 1950s says:

    I bet Warren still uses the word trollop — which is awesome.

  16. P. Jiang says:

    You need to talk dirty to the Cube with the appropriate white-board markets.

    And it's called a 'Golden' Cube for a reason Warren. Uh-huh.

  17. Guest says:

    You can buy a swanky pad in New York, hint to the golden cube that you might be giving the place to it, then later announce that you're giving it to the platinum cube instead, and you won't get so much as a lawsuit out of it.