Several weeks back, Barclays CEO Bob Diamond said in an interview that his firm received “applications from 107,000 kids at university, of which we had positions for 1,500.” Diamond threw out the numbers to show that, despite profits not being what they used to, people still want to work on Wall Street. And, more to the point, that those currently employed in the financial services industry who’ve threatened to quit in the last month over bonuses that did not meet their expectations can and will be easily replaced. But perhaps the line didn’t work on you? Perhaps you shrugged off the “threat” of a bunch of faceless 21 year-olds with zero skills taking your job? While you may have been right to not quake in your boots over the vast majority of Diamond’s li’l worker bees, you might want to worry a little bit about one aspiring young junior mistmaker in particular.
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He recently applied for a first-year analyst gig at several bulge-brackets but it’s clear he could easily come in at MD and/or take on multiple positions at once. Nervous it could be yours? Might want to start whaling on your pecs and lats, then.
You belong in my club.
Regards,
Alexy Vayner
That's some weak-ass sauce.
-Ant Applicant
How about squats and chin-ups?
Director of Recruiting, The Second Mile
i bet he masturbates in front of the mirror (nttawwt)
35 Pullups in a single semester? Wow!
It's not gay if you're thinking of yourself
Sorry buddy. Power cleans at 25 stone or you're shite.
Ya ever bop your boloney?
Why stop there…retriple and get a 4.0
anal_yst?
Announcer: You got a 3.93? Why not a 4.0?
Kid: Too long. I found too much information and I put it all in.
this guy's business card will say "managing analyst" and he will be the first one in his class to get in a fight with the production department when his books aren't printed and bound in time for the MD to leave for his 8am flight.
-guy who's seen this movie before
there's chucks of guy like you in my stool
This gives me an idea….From now on, all employees max bench will be posted in the lobby. That is all.
Is that a picture of Matt Levine??
Impossible is nothing, but employment is impossible
Pretty sure Frank spoke english
Awesome! If you do pegging, you are hired!
DB's late to this party… kid applied for SA IB, not f/t
I left [The University of Phoenix Online] because the work was too easy. Once I realized that I could achieve a perfect GPA while holding a part time job at [Best Buy], I decided to redouble my efforts…
- Guy who thinks you're not trying unless you're redlining…if you have room to "redouble" you're a lazy ass
I'd like to compare his IQ to Gorman
I don't know if you heard me… I did over a thousand
Soviet Russia Guy can't pull off a Jersey City accent.
As someone who actually saw the resume/CV– no, he didn't. You keep winning it though.
Now I defeat real champion
douche…i'd like to see this kid get pounded by J. dos Santos in the octagon.
So wait, people actually hire cocky cover letters like these?
The full version features the young man tauting "terrifying efficiency" and the closing line…" Egos can be a liability, and I try not to have one."
this is real life.
Wuss…
- JP Morgan Bench/Squat/Cling 1000 pound club
No. That is why the cover letter got leaked to Dealbreaker and is being laughed at by us.
This kid will likely wind up selling sporting goods on comission.
I was the hardest worker I knew of too… Then again, I also had no friends.
-RBS Quant
Alternatively, if you suck c**k and cross-dress, you are hired
you can say cock here.
…you know how I know you're gay?
On the contrary, I see someone hiring him to the chagrin of everyone else at that firm.
Sisyphus worked pretty hard too.
- guy who reassures himself everyday on the elevator down at 5:30 that he's just worker smarter than the rest.
"In fact, my most recent employer has found me so useful that he promoted me to a Research Assistant and an official [redacted bullshit title] intern. This role is usually reserved for Masters students, but my employer gave the title to me so that he could give me more work."
No, he did that because he could pay you less than a Masters student for more work. Idiot.
Hormones anyone?
If so, he'll be hire that flames out in spectacular fashion within six months.
Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now… now I'm washing lettuce. Soon I'll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.
5:30 ?
on the bell every day, tho on fri I will linger for the afterwork stray hos drill. I am ususally pretty hammed by then anyway so no rush
Not to mention this being a cover letter for JPM, then referencing how excited he is to begin "diligently working for the professionals at Morgan Stanley."
triple redouble.
The Rammstein of first years, so to speak.
He mistyped, "Ergo, I can be a huge liability…"
I thought it smelled of some rather strong ass-sauce.
Impressive cover letter. We could use a guy like him.
-UBS Hiring Manager
Tuesday's arms and back.
Same at my place of business.
What are the odds he drives a 2006 BMW Z4?
I made a 4.0 in my derivatives classes where we were allowed to mark our own grades.
I think GS cafeteria is hiring..
What kind of ham – Polish, Virginia?
Anyone have the actual resume and cover letter in question? Googled for it but doesn't seem to have leaked yet.
Mark
yes. anything else?
"Egos can be a huge liability and I try not to have one….I think I'm doing a phenomenal job considering the enormous burden of what I've accomplished. I assume you've heard about my 35 pull ups."
guy who took time off his pilates class to pose in front of some bar bells
Why did you leave out the best part!? This was a cover letter TO: JP Morgan but REFERENCES Morgan Stanley in the body…
Uh, it has "leaked" and clearly DB has but they're doing the kid a favor and not publishing it in full.
We demand 70 pull-ups while maintaining a 4.0 GPA. Sorry bro.
- GS HCM
Probably hammed when he wrote it
bravo
This guy applied to JP Morgan and then said something like, "I would make a great analyst at Morgan Stanley." That made all this much harder to believe…
ugh, this guy is best friends with my ex…
Does he have a name?
Cmon Bess you cut out the best part of the letter!!!
Yeah but can you play shortstop?
- Guy who knows that playing a premium position on the company softball team will get you further than a high GPA in college
one day, I'm gonna be mayor
what is pull-up criteria to be considered high-flying?
Hey, you've got something there! There's a fine tradition of hiring an absolute jerk in the analyst class, just for the amusement of the higher-ups.
It's sort of like a social experiment.
My recent favorite was
"As to work ethic, please know I was a former national caliber triathlete and Hawaiian Ironman prior to having children. This meant working out 13 times per week (before and after work hours) while gainfully employed. This is not bragging because that is not my style, just some insight into my work ethic and motivation. "
Call me
-P90x informercial director
Cyst!
your favorite part meaning the part that didn't appear in the original cover letter?
Kid, if the banking thing doesn't work out, I see a huge future for you in television. Call me, bro.
ding fries are done!
People shouldn't make fun of this guy- he is trying his hardest-
they have MD's at Burger King?
F them all Mark. I thought your cover letter was pretty epic personally. Kudos to you for working hard and staying in shape while doing it. Don't let the haters bring you down.
Thankfully I have these. Did I mention I hate WC? All I remember is getting lost in there for a lowbie horde repeatedly. It’s not bad since they fixed the maps, but before that… sheeesh lol
Throughout the great scheme of things you’ll secure a B+ with regard to hard work. Where you actually misplaced me personally ended up being in the specifics. As as the maxim goes, the devil is in the details… And it could not be much more accurate in this article. Having said that, let me inform you exactly what did deliver the results. Your authoring is certainly extremely persuasive and that is probably the reason why I am taking an effort in order to opine. I do not really make it a regular habit of doing that. Second, even though I can easily see the leaps in logic you come up with, I am not convinced of exactly how you appear to connect the ideas which make the final result. For the moment I will subscribe to your position however trust in the near future you link the dots much better.