At the end of each year, when the numbers are in re: which hedge funds had the best performance and, more importantly, which ones had the biggest profits, those nowhere close to the top would kill in cold blood to determine the secret to their vastly more successful colleagues’ (if you can even call them that) success. The fools will assume easily replicable tactics like in-depth research and a top-notch ability to (legally!) get information first are the edge employed by firms taking home billions upon billions. The wise ones know there is more than meets the eye.

At PIMCO, for instance, a daily shimmy down the trading floor keeps the Newport Beach-based operation in the money. At Bridgewater, it’s interrogating co-workers about every little trade with an intensity level not found at Guantanamo Bay. At Moore Capital it’s the prioritization of Louis Bacon’s time and breath. According a new profile out today by reporter Kate Kelly, the veteran hedge fund manager is loathe to waste either– not on children trying to squeeze him for an extra twenty bucks a month, not on know-nothing investors, and certainly not on worthless traders he’s already written off.

Bacon is non-confrontational. At times he has used indirect methods to get his message across, say associates and people who have worked for him. In contrast to a rival like SAC Capital founder Stevie Cohen, who is famously vocal when he disagrees with a subordinate’s trade, say these people, Bacon finds a more subtle way to undo what he views as the potential damage: He sometimes retreats to his office and places an opposing trade, a tactic that hedge fund mavens call “fading” a colleague.

Yes, a kinder, gentler manager might take the time he shows you he cares by getting “vocal,” but not Bacon. He stopped caring the second you started losing him money and, in the event it wasn’t abundantly clear, being yelled at = still a potential “teachable moment,” whereas being burned behind the scenes like this = you’re a lost cause who just doesn’t get it that Bacon refuses to squander one more moment on as you burn his bottom line. Call you in to have a 5 or 10 minute chat about your thought process? How about instead, you use that time to pack up your shit and hit the road.

Think clients paying 3&25 are thrown a bone? Then you’d best think again.

During meetings with analysts or even investors, say people who have attended them, Bacon, who often draws the blinds in his private office, frequently turns to his lieutenants to answer questions, often sitting silently through the presentations.

That’s right, because, as previously stated, he doesn’t waste his breath on those who haven’t demonstrated to him they’re worthy and you? Are simply a leach on his P&L until proven otherwise. If that seems harsh, just know that 1) he does it not be cruel but to keep the money train on track and 2) no one, not even those related by blood, get a free pass.

One longtime assistant negotiates annual spending allowances with the elder of his children individually, say people familiar with the matter. Once they’ve agreed on a number, the assistant invites the child in for a sit-down meeting with his or her father, during which Bacon usually signs off on the terms.

Signs off, but doesn’t comment, natch. Now, in the event he deigns to utter a single word in your direction? You’ve either done something very, very right or he figured out the creative accounting you used on last year’s allowance balance sheet and you should get out of town, NOW.

A secretive hedge fund legend prepares to surface [Fortune]

167 comments (hidden for your protection)
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Comments (167)

  1. Posted by theirregulator | February 13, 2012 at 2:16 PM

    Does he have a daughter above the legal age?

    -AIG Daddy Issues Quant

  2. Posted by Kegels123 | February 13, 2012 at 2:21 PM

    Wish I could give my kids an allowance.

    -UBS MD

  3. Posted by The Truth | February 13, 2012 at 2:27 PM

    Age is just a number

    - J. Epstein

  4. Posted by guest | February 13, 2012 at 2:42 PM

    Communicating without speaking is the OKI

    - H. Keller

  5. Posted by Ernst P. Wurl | February 13, 2012 at 2:44 PM

    Damn, I clean up nice.

  6. Posted by VonSloneker | February 13, 2012 at 2:46 PM

    This is what Charlie Gasparino sees when he looks in the mirror…plus a gold chain or two

  7. Posted by Jed Clampett | February 13, 2012 at 2:51 PM

    "E-a-r-n-e-st ……W-o-r-r-e-l" You did "P." correctly.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernest_P._Worrell

  8. Posted by investorcluzo | February 13, 2012 at 2:52 PM

    don't fade me bro!
    -J. Paulson

  9. Posted by Brass River Guest | February 13, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    In that pic he looks like he was just told that Andy Hall lost money.

  10. Posted by Ray Bandit | February 13, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    Ha. In that pic it looks like he was just told the sunlamp's automatic shut-off timer hasn't worked for a few days.

  11. Posted by Fixed Income | February 13, 2012 at 3:10 PM

    He looks like he is doing a Zoolander impression.

  12. Posted by The Pun-isher | February 13, 2012 at 3:13 PM

    If he tells his side of the story, would we all get the Bacon bits?

  13. Posted by Alt_EST | February 13, 2012 at 3:28 PM

    Bacon carries around a tank of oxygen so he doesn't have to breathe the same air as you. He has never made eye contact with a waiter. He often delivers speechs in Urdu so he doesn't have to share a language with anyone nearby. His children describe Bacon as a "unknowable, distant enigma," who often attaches "annual performance reviews to allowance contracts." Every word you speak is like a tiny knife jabbing at his eardrums, and if Bacon uttered a word in your presence it would be like the voice of God in your head.

  14. Posted by Random_ID_everytime | February 13, 2012 at 3:41 PM

    I am surprised that nobody else noticed the resemblance till now?
    http://www.mediabistro.com/tvnewser/files/origina

  15. Posted by PermaGuestII | February 13, 2012 at 3:48 PM

    So I take it he drinks Dos Equis, then.

  16. Posted by kingofSLC | February 13, 2012 at 3:54 PM

    Killing in cord blood is the NKI

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    Not in the DPRK

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    only when he drinks beer

  19. Posted by early_hominid | February 13, 2012 at 4:05 PM

    Louis, please don't go the "family office" route. Thanks.

    – Your "family"

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    I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?

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    Arrive without travelling
    See all without looking
    Do all without doing

    - The Ghost of JL

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    Hey dad: our dog died. Could you sign off on your assistant giving me a hug?

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    He wants you to say, "You can eat my pudding."

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