Do you have a question for us? About anything? Send it here with the subject line “What do you think of this, Dealbreaker?”

Q: If you had to assemble hedge fund all-star team, that would invest together for a year or five or whatever time-horizon we decide on (the All-Star Game, it’s them versus the market), which managers would be on it?

A: I don’t think this scenario is realistic because you can’t bring together a group of “all-star managers” at this point in their careers and expect that they’ll be able to work together in a productive way. But you know what could work and should happen? We should get 10 of the top hedge fund managers to agree to artificially inseminate 10 randomly selected women who will carry the children to term. Then we set these kids up in a house together, and once they’ve reached an appropriate age, give them a bunch of seed money and have them start trading, each one with his or her own portfolio. You’ll have a Little Ray, a Little JP, a Little Jimmy, etc. We track them over 5 or 10 years and report the findings. We could determine all kinds of things like, is there a gene for trading. Aside from genetic and sociological findings there could be an interactive element with the audience, like we could RACE them.

Q: Given that Shake Shack is practically Goldman Sachs adjacent, it would stand to reason Shake Shack is the best burger in NYC, as I would find it hard to believe Goldman would stand for anything less. Yet I’m skeptical. Where does it land on your NYC burger rankings and if it’s not at the top, who is? No pressure but I’m planning a “last burgers” tour because I just got my cholesterol results back and if I don’t cut meat out soon I’m probably looking at an early death by heart attack so I need to make this count.

A: You’re right to be skeptical about the supposed greatness of Shake Shack. It’s a fine burger. It’s okay. But okay isn’t good enough, is it? Burgers are very important to me (and I sense they are to you too) so the answer is no, it is not. The (alleged) high risk to your health necessitates a high reward, not something middling that elicits only a tepid golf clap. SS’s burger is not the burger for me because it possesses only one of the four baseline qualities I want in a burger, those being: 1) the ability to order it (and have it actually come out) medium rare 2) a thick patty 3) bacon and 4) cheese. I actually feel a great deal of stress identifying, definitively, the number one, for fear of steering you in the wrong direction. I wish I were as organized and methodical about burgers as Greg Lippman is about sushi but c’est la vie. So let’s talk about my tops, plural, any of which would make a fine last meal.

I love “The Cadillac” at PJ Clarke’s but you have to get it with smothered onions. 5Napkin- yes. Spotted Pig- yes. Bill’s Burger Bar- yes. Lure Fish Bar has a surprisingly great burger– highly recommend. Burger Joint- they don’t do bacon so only in a pinch (people really get off on going there because of the “secret” hideaway aspect but: 1) We’re talking about taste, not ambiance and 2) Going behind a velvet curtain in a hotel lobby into another room that seems out of place with its surroundings does not a secret hideaway make. Give me secret passwords, doors with those tiny little windows you slide from the inside, and a real sense of danger and then we can talk about whether or not the experience enhances the food, which it very well might because stuff probably tastes better when your adrenaline is flowing and you’re thinking “I’m lucky to be alive” while eating it).

My favorite burger ever was the one at The Stoned Crow but the stupid place closed and I’m still upset. The cook came from Corner Bistro and it represented everything that was good about the CB experience minus everything that sucks (meat that’s too dry, bacon that’s overcooked, the 5 hour wait with someone’s elbow shoved in your rib cage). Peter Luger has a very, very good burger though I’ve only had it once because I find the idea of getting a burger there kind of an odd choice. You’re here for a reason and that’s not it. (I actually got into a pretty heated debate about this topic with a friend once who argued that you could/people do order it as a side, as in, “We’ll have the steak-for-two, the shrimp cocktail, the french-fried potatoes, and a burger.” He claimed to me he’d seen this happen with his own two eyes and then proceeded to make the case for why it’s probably not that uncommon. First of all, I don’t believe for a second that he really saw this happen and neither should you. But let’s play a long for a moment and pretend he did. I love meat in practically every form, particularly red (and pork but not lamb) and a few seconds ago I typed the words “burgers are very important to me” and meant it but if you’re ordering one on the side of your steak you have a problem.) I haven’t been to JG Melon in forever and while I remember the burger being quite good, the real draw for me would be the cottage fries (my second favorite type after waffle), plus the manager who I’m guessing has been there since the place opened and the last time I was there led some kid out of the dining room by the collar while telling him “In about two minutes I am gonna shut you down” for reasons unknown. A new burger I tried recently was the one from a place called Jacob’s Biscuits and Pickles and it was heaven. A friend tells me that Donovan’s makes a “fantastic” burger and while I hesitate to recommend a place that I haven’t tried myself, I trust his judgment so I think we’ll be okay here.

As for your medical results I’m not a doctor but let me just say this. In December I had a checkup for the first time in a few years, during which they took a bunch of blood as part of the routine physical. I didn’t think much of it and then a day or two before I was supposed to get the results I started panicking when I realized I was going to find out what my cholesterol and other cholesterol-related levels were and that maybe they’d be bad because of how much I love meat and bacon and all those wonderful things that are supposedly “going to kill you.” What would I do? Would I have to start a new, meaningless/just-going-through-the-motions/what’s-the-point-of-it-all life without them? I legitimately became pre-emptively depressed at the thought. Then I got my results: not only are my cholesterol levels great but my triglycerides score is “even more impressive” (average is 134, mine is 47, suck it, everyone). What can we learn from this? I took it to mean that the aforementioned delicacies aren’t actually bad for you at all and I suggest you do the same.

Q: Here’s a question for that portion of your readership that uses Bloomberg regularly and logs in with a B-Unit token. How many times do you need to swipe your finger on average before the damn thing works? How many time would be reasonable? Maybe I’m a vampire or a replicant or whatever mythical creature is known for not having fingerprints, but it takes me on average 8-10 swipes. The few days in my life I’ve verified on the first swipe I make sure to buy a lottery ticket, or do a trade with GS. How many swipes do you think it is reasonable for Bloomberg to expect me to tolerate? And, follow-up question: what the hell does “Swipe Longer” mean? It sounds kind of porn-y, even coming from a little plastic doodad.

-Guy who remembers when Bloomberg was a physical machine and you could get on a plane without showing any ID.

A: I don’t use Bloomberg but I sit across from someone who does who I assume would (has?) pose(d) the exact same question to Bloomberg Help Desk if he could get himself down to a 7 on the searing anger scale long enough to breathe and type it out. Instead he yells “Oh for fuck’s sake, Bloomberg!” on average 8-10 times a day, gets really irritated when someone calls his phone to discuss the problem (“No, just email me,” click) and one time had an amazingly awkward interaction with a technician who came to our office to fix our keyboard where he was all, “I don’t know what you’re doing here/you can’t fix this/you’re wasting my time” and the guy basically agreed but kept standing there while my colleague refused to look at him.

“Swipe Longer” does sound porn-y. I assume it means you’re supposed to swipe slower, which also sounds porn-y but I suspect you already knew that. Relatedly, while doing some research (Googling) to answer your question(s) I came across this, re: the B-UnitTM: “…our credit card-sized biometric security device gives you remote access to your Bloomberg Professional service – with the same level of rock-solid security you get on the terminal.” These people are sick.

Matt says: ” I probably only average about 4-5 swipes but each failed swipe leaves me sure that I’ll never get it right again and be doomed to staring at a blinking screen while hopelessly molesting a plastic card. I also find ‘swipe longer’ confusing though I think I’ve figured out that it doesn’t mean ‘swipe more slowly’ but rather ‘let us see a little more of your finger’. But it’s still better than using the keyboard.”

Q: How do you think Steve is coping with losing out on the Dodgers? Do you think he’ll try for another team?

A: There’s going to be hell to pay. Even if he had another team in mind, and they were available, why would he go through the process for a third time? He should start a new pro league and destroy MLB/Bud Selig.

Q: Is commenter PMCO a dude?

A: Nope, she’s a lady and, in fact, a high-powered business woman who manages and directs at one of the world’s pre-eminent financial services firm, so show some respect.

121 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (121)

  1. Posted by fanciful financier | March 29, 2012 at 2:04 PM

    Matt?

  2. Posted by pazzo83 | March 29, 2012 at 2:08 PM

    Paragraph 167, line 28, you left out a "y'know".

    – M Levine

  3. Posted by Mexi_Cant | March 29, 2012 at 2:15 PM

    Yes! I knew he wasn't a gay because of his feelings for PMCO. Phew.

    -Mexi_Cant's father.

  4. Posted by Not Impressed | March 29, 2012 at 2:21 PM

    I stopped reading at "thick patty".

  5. Posted by OSIntegrityQuant, MD | March 29, 2012 at 2:22 PM

    Good stuff here.

    1. Brindle Room = best burger.
    2. Get the latest B-Unit. It is much better than the old ones and I now average 1 swipe.
    3. Why did you delete Chilton from the tags RE: SINKGATE yesterday?

  6. Posted by This was delightful | March 29, 2012 at 2:22 PM

    Dodger's dugout, stadium lights on, Homeland playing on the jumbotron, surrounded by candles, The Cadillac in one hand and the new $26 Rangers Hot Dog in the other, muttering "I am gonna shut you down"

  7. Posted by guest | March 29, 2012 at 2:22 PM

    Great story. Tell it again.

  8. Posted by pazzo83 | March 29, 2012 at 2:25 PM

    Five guys > Shake Shack

    – Virginia native

  9. Posted by Buzzed Burger | March 29, 2012 at 2:27 PM

    Five Guys burgers always fall apart on me after the first bite. Basically after that if I put it down, say to eat a fry or huff some more paint/glue, the thing just disintegrates, any tips for dealing with this?

  10. Posted by Burger Expert | March 29, 2012 at 2:28 PM

    There are 2 categories of burger: Peter Luger's and OTHER. Shake Shack and Hillstone FKA Houston's are excellent OTHER burgers as they have additives in the form of sauce and/or seasonings. Not lesser burgers, just OTHER burgers.

    The purist Luger burger is transcendant. First bite sparks the neanderthal regions of the brain and lights them up like a Christmas tree / Fourth of July party in Vegas.

    Luger's burger should be a fucking appetizer not a fucking side dish you moron. That is all.

  11. Posted by Whoops | March 29, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    While I am overjoyed to share many of our esteemed editor's tastes in burgers, I am a bit concerned about the implication Bess orders the bacon cheeseburger at 5-Napkin rather than the original. As a side bar, their shakes are heavenly.

  12. Posted by pazzo83 | March 29, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    Avoid paint/glue consumption while eating?

  13. Posted by RBS MD | March 29, 2012 at 2:32 PM

    "First bite sparks the neanderthal regions of the brain and lights them up like a Christmas tree / Fourth of July party in Vegas."

    Luckily, I get to enjoy this feeling all day every day! Unfortunately, I'll never be able to afford Peter Luger.

  14. Posted by Hakuna Matata Guy | March 29, 2012 at 2:33 PM

    Don't hold onto it so hard when you put it in your mouth, silly

  15. Posted by guest | March 29, 2012 at 2:34 PM

    Jules: Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kind of hamburgers?

    Brett: Ch-cheeseburgers.

    Jules: No, no no, where'd you get 'em? McDonalds? Wendy's? Jack in the Box? Where?

    Brett: Big Kahuna Burger.

    Jules: Big Kahuna Burger. That's that Hawaiian burger joint. I hear they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself. How are they?

    Brett: They're good.

  16. Posted by Not Me | March 29, 2012 at 2:36 PM

    Be the boss and the secretary at the same time is the definition of fucking one's self.

  17. Posted by Anon | March 29, 2012 at 2:37 PM

    There's exactly one way to average 1 swipe, yes?

    — Guy attempting to be quanty

  18. Posted by Buzzed Burger | March 29, 2012 at 2:37 PM

    But that takes away half the fun of it. I guess I'll just have to live with the stairs of other patrons as I feverishly put chunks of bacon cheeseburger in my mouth right off the table.

  19. Posted by readingcompguest | March 29, 2012 at 2:38 PM

    it reads that sometimes it was the boss role, sometimes the sec. as in, one or the other, not both.

  20. Posted by guest | March 29, 2012 at 2:39 PM

    I tell your mom that all the time.

  21. Posted by OSIntegrityQuant, MD | March 29, 2012 at 2:45 PM

    I initially had 1.5 in there but switched it to 1 as I felt it drove the point home more.

  22. Posted by AIG Storytime Quant | March 29, 2012 at 2:45 PM

    I stopped reading at "thick patty".

  23. Posted by Burger Quant | March 29, 2012 at 2:45 PM

    You know what they call a quarter pounder with Cheese in France?

    A BNP Paribas VP's bonus.

  24. Posted by Burger Expert | March 29, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    By the way, the use of MORON was specifically not directed toward our Goddess Bess. It is directed toward those who might order a Luger's burger as a side dish. Just clarifying before the wrath of Bess rains down upon my burger sotted head. Your devoted acolyte, Burger Expert.

  25. Posted by Guest | March 29, 2012 at 2:54 PM

    Agreed.

    – Miller Investments

  26. Posted by Laxbro | March 29, 2012 at 2:56 PM

    In n Out burger is the best burger I’ve ever had. But most new money bankers think something needs to be expensive to be deemed great. Fuck that, double double for $3.50 > any NY burger

  27. Posted by PermaGuestII | March 29, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    The Jackson Hole doesn't get enough credit. Not going to put it up there w anything from Lugers but they've got one– the Eastsider, maybe?– on an English muffin with Canadian bacon and cheese that's pretty damn good.

    Bearnaise burger at Clarke's is fantastic.

    Pretty sure Bobby the manager at Melon's is a part owner of the joint, and I think he has indeed been there since Day One in 1972.

  28. Posted by Guest | March 29, 2012 at 3:17 PM

    too easy

  29. Posted by Low Standards | March 29, 2012 at 3:25 PM

    I said that about your mom to my bro last night.

  30. Posted by Guest Jr. | March 29, 2012 at 3:26 PM

    I tell your mom that all the time.

  31. Posted by Wimpy | March 29, 2012 at 4:07 PM

    Tad's Steaks makes an unbelivable burger…

  32. Posted by Left Koast | March 29, 2012 at 4:08 PM

    In N Out is second to none

  33. Posted by J. Morgan Slade | March 29, 2012 at 4:12 PM

    In-n-Out double double animal style

  34. Posted by J. Morgan Slade | March 29, 2012 at 4:12 PM

    also the Stodge @ the Porch in Dallas

  35. Posted by Assis TO the Reg.. | March 29, 2012 at 4:16 PM

    That's what she said.

    – Michael Scott

  36. Posted by Guest | March 29, 2012 at 4:30 PM

    Bess, why won't Matt enlighten us by adding his commentary?

  37. Posted by Bababooey | March 29, 2012 at 4:34 PM

    Robert's Steakhouse makes a great Pastrami Burger.

  38. Posted by gab | March 29, 2012 at 4:35 PM

    Clearly the only good burgers are in New York. I'm shocked you didn't know that. It is, after all, the center of the universe.

  39. Posted by Guesser of Things | March 29, 2012 at 4:39 PM

    Too busy furiously making charts I'd guess.

  40. Posted by Classy Guy | March 29, 2012 at 4:46 PM

    I always get the fish tacos there.

  41. Posted by JS Overton | March 29, 2012 at 4:50 PM

    You haven't been to JG Melon in forever!! For the record he said "In about two minutes I'm going to shut you down." Which is a much cooler threat, like "hey I'm busy now, but I'll be back in a few to work you over. Think about it, come up with a plan, brb."

  42. Posted by KennyPowersCFA | March 29, 2012 at 5:07 PM

    Bess, if you're ever in the mood to play secretary again, hit me up.

    Hell, if you're in the mood to play boss, that's cool too.

    What I'm saying is, call me.

  43. Posted by Duncan | March 29, 2012 at 5:11 PM

    Jackson Hole has good burgers, but that music ruins the ambiance.
    Also, their bacon isn't always crispy enough.

  44. Posted by Guest | March 29, 2012 at 5:12 PM

    Bess is totally the Bill Simmons of finance. Except funny. And smart. And not from Boston. And sexy. And not an obnoxious donkey. And a chick. And cool. And not a sellout. And not a pussy.

    Bess is totally not the Bill Simmons of finance.

  45. Posted by BessLevin | March 29, 2012 at 5:24 PM

    Ha, that is true. I'm pissed at myself for not accurately remembering the quote.

  46. Posted by VonSloneker | March 29, 2012 at 5:26 PM

    Five Guys? Get a rope…

    – Texas

  47. Posted by DSK | March 29, 2012 at 6:57 PM

    Chapeau.

  48. Posted by Pontificator | March 29, 2012 at 6:59 PM

    Or in a blind rage over his Bloomberg terminal which prevents him from making his charts faster.

  49. Posted by Guest | March 29, 2012 at 7:01 PM

    Bess, love that you enjoy bacon cheeseburgers. Kosher as Christmas. It's a dumb rule anyway.

  50. Posted by Guest, Duh | March 29, 2012 at 10:50 PM

    Bess talking burgers soaked my panties. And I'm not even wearing any.

  51. Posted by VonSloneker | March 30, 2012 at 9:01 AM
  52. Posted by oy vey | March 30, 2012 at 12:48 PM

    Bloomberg login tip: swipe the fingerprint reader clean with a tissue or cloth or napkin or whatever. Do this regularly. The accumulated oils screw things up something serious.

  53. Posted by guesticles | March 30, 2012 at 1:47 PM

    Wait, swipe the fingerprint reader?? Just hold your finger on it until validated. Simple. 1 and done every morning.

  54. Posted by InfiniteCheeseburger | March 31, 2012 at 10:10 AM

    Great work! We don't need more unwashed masses crowding out Burger Joint!

  55. Posted by Ashleyriegle | March 31, 2012 at 10:30 PM

    I had a burger at Melon's today and it was tasty as usual, as are the cottage fries like you said. My all-time favorite burger though is The Redhead burger at The Redhead in East Village. It's delicious. DE-licious. It comes with white cheddar cheese and optional bacon and cooked just as you specify. Must try. So damn good. If you're trying to feign healthfulness while burger-eating, I recommend the burger at Westville East.

  56. Posted by Mike B | April 1, 2012 at 11:59 AM

    The best way to solve the B-unit problem (and save 000s per year) is to get rid of your Bloomie "terminal". Do you really need a $2000/mo glorified e-mail system?

    Use a free e-mail service on the web, and read dealbreaker.com instead

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