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A Wildebeest Leaves New York Traveling North At 10 MPH. A Hyena Leaves Westport Traveling South At 15MPH. At What Time Does The Wildebeest Get Eaten?

As many of you know, Bridgewater Associates is mega-successful, multi-billion dollar hedge fund guided by Principles, a company handbook written by founder and Mentor Ray Dalio, which instructs employees to go on radical truth seeking missions in order to better themselves and in turn the firm. Bridgewater takes the principles very seriously and each member of the staff is given spiral bound copies to read, highlight, and imbue their souls with. While the idea of Truth above all else is the overarching idea, there are literally hundreds of principles (such as 31a. “Ask yourself whether you have earned the right to have an opinion,” 130. “…Firing people is not a big deal…” and 184. “Use checklists”), which span 123 pages and are broken down into outline form after being explained at length. Though familiarity with them has always been an essential part of the job, there has never been a formal test determining that all employees met the required level of efficiency. Until now.

Apparently the firm has notified employees that there will be an exam on the material, which has resulted in people carrying around their copies and studying whenever they can, particularly on the bus ride from Manhattan to Wesport and back. No date has been announced but it will be in the near future and administered online à la one of those mandatory HR quizzes that won’t let you skip forward. According to proctors, Bridgewater simply wants to use the test as an opportunity to assess what people know, how they’re interpreting the principles, and what requires further elucidation. It’s unclear what the penalty for failing will be but remedial Principles classes seem obvious. Because we would hate to see any of you have to stay after school, we’ve highlighted the material most likely to be covered– feel free to print these out and add to your study guide.

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485 Responses to “A Wildebeest Leaves New York Traveling North At 10 MPH. A Hyena Leaves Westport Traveling South At 15MPH. At What Time Does The Wildebeest Get Eaten?”

  1. Whoops says:

    Why does this read like a segment from Dianetics?

    -Concerned Citizen

  2. wahoo says:

    The amount of probing going on here is something I could really wrap my mouth, er, head around.

    – L. Tilton

  3. PermaGuestII says:

    Never realized Ray Dalio was related to Howard Hughes.

  4. VonSloneker says:

    "Art of War" + "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" = "Principles"

    – Guy for whom "Where There's a Will, There's an A" didn't take

  5. The Bobs says:

    Please add to the list:

    Ask yourself — IS THIS GOOD FOR THE COMPANY?

  6. Texashedge says:

    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

    -Cliff Clavin, US Postal Service

  7. Dyslexic Mike says:

    Perhaps reading comprehension should be tested more often?

    -Guy who just realized Matt Levine and Bess Levin have two different last names.

  8. CoveredLong says:

    …I want some of what he's smoking – or, on second thought, definitely not.

  9. Wednesday Audit says:

    Assuming that both the Hyena and Wildebeest(beast?) can travel on the highways, they have to cover a ~55mph distance. So, the time for them to reach one another would be about 2 hrs 12 mins.

    Assuming the Hyena follows Bridgewater's "Principles," he'll likely start eating the Wildebeest and putting out feelers as to sale of it's bones about 2 hrs and 15 mins before they reach one another.

    So, the answer to the original question, is about 3 mins, or given current time, about 3:29 EST.

  10. im_new_here says:

    "asses what people know" "Probe deep and hard" I see what you did there

  11. SEC Quant says:

    A tenth of a microsecond after he enters the "hide do not slide" order

  12. Guest says:

    Speaking of probing, has there been any discussion of Bess bringing back the "Rate the IR Girls" feature anytime soon?

    – guy with ADD

  13. Alt_EST says:

    African or European wildebeests?

  14. fanciful financier says:

    I hear he gets up every night during August whence he reads and explains the rules in a lecture hall manner for 90 minutes… not kidding

  15. inlovewithpmco says:

    PMCO can I probe deep and hard to see what to expect from your "machine"?

    • FKApmco says:

      Before I answer that you may wish to contemplate rule 98 viz a viz Beth's assertion that I am a woman.

      • PermaGuestII says:

        Well, nobody's perfect.

        -Osgood

        • FKApmco says:

          Perma: I believe third party verification of my gender is now required. Bring the Bentley to the corner of Wall and Broadway at 8pm tonight. I'll be the woman wearing gloves and carrying an oxygen tank.

          • PermaGuestII says:

            pmco: Otherwise engaged at said hour. If you want to prove yourself, meet me in the basement at 39 E58th St. I'll be the guy drinking rye whisky and slurring his words.

          • FKApmco says:

            If the ocean was whiskey and I was a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and never come up…

  16. Bandersnatch says:

    The wayfarer,
    Perceiving the pathway to truth,
    Was struck with astonishment.
    It was thickly grown with weeds.
    “Ha,” he said,
    “I see that none has passed here
    In a long time.”
    Later he saw that each weed
    Was a singular knife.
    “Well,” he mumbled at last,
    “Doubtless there are other roads.”

    • FKApmco says:

      Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
      -Jerry Seinfeld

    • Texashedge says:

      "If you see a fork in the road, take it. If you see a knife in the road, fuck that"

      /Yogi Berra

  17. Hedgehog says:

    There's too many variables of uncertainty to say that the animals would even cross one another's path to calculate this. I need to ask a couple questions and do some research to mitigate the risk of looking like a dumbass by having an opinion.

    Ray: if you read this, then please consider me for an associate. position.

    – Guy who can't seem to get past BA's HR dept.

  18. Andre says:

    I think all this probing is about the Groupon guys

  19. Tom Hobbes says:

    RD's Principals are more Pollock than Renior or Davinci. Themes, elements of truth, noise, dissonance and chaos. It's a helpful document, in places, and also has the character in other places of the ramblings of General Jack D. Ripper.

    One would assume that Ray has consulted with Behavioral Economists and others who work in decision making provides a scientific metric for the evaluation of performance and objectivity?

    General Jack D. Ripper: I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women uh… women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh… I do not avoid women, Mandrake.
    Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No.
    General Jack D. Ripper: But I… I do deny them my essence.

  20. Lowly Assistant says:

    Am I retarded? Tab 5 makes no sense to me.

    • Guestest says:

      I think it means while following a logical sequence, open all doors and once opened, close all doos in that chain. Maybe?

  21. Guest says:

    The wildebeest gets eaten about the time I vacate the piano and track him down.
    -Wilbur

  22. kill me says:

    Everyone at Bwater is getting an iPad with an app on which to read the whole text, study, and take quizzes. True story.

    GF works there. Every week it's a bombardment: Why aren't you in the mood? Is alcohol the true, underlying cause? Are you actually that tired? Look deeper and examine yourself…

    Was going to tell her about this article but now I won't because I'll get questions on this comment.

    • gab says:

      "Every week it's a bombardment: Why aren't you in the mood? Is alcohol the true, underlying cause? Are you actually that tired? Look deeper and examine yourself… "

      Some clarification please. Are these questions you ask her when you don't get any? Questions she asks you? Or questions posed to her by Dalio?

      Inquiring minds and all that…

      • guest says:

        I had to read it several times. So far I've got:

        -GF works there
        -they are in fact being quizzed on Principles, as story states
        -she's really gotten into the probing section and will probe him with endless questions (such as "why aren't you in the mood," etc)
        -she might even ask him questions about this comment, because she questions/probes everything

        ….I think?

    • guest says:

      WELL?? ARE YOU ACTUALLY THAT TIRED?

  23. guest says:

    "Was going to tell her about this article but now I won't because I'll get questions on this comment."

    …I'm confused.

  24. Guestest says:

    The hyena just rues its missed chances and moves on. Being a pack hunter, it doesn't take on a wildebeest on its own.

  25. J. Salk says:

    You think someone would have thrown me a bone and lent me a copy of this before putting in all those late nights. Sorry for messing with the dynamic as it were.

  26. asdf says:

    <iframe src="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/embeddedform?formkey=dHdXdjdOSUd5UEpMTkNndERSTTk3Qnc6MQ&quot; width="760" height="1027" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0">Loading…</iframe>

  27. asdf says:

    For our leadership in organizations class will be doing the final case study on the culture of Bridgewater Associates. It would be a great help if individuals with experience working at or with Bridgewater could take a quick 10 minutes to fill out the form below. Many thanks for helping us in the pursuit of truth!
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  28. prison commenter says:

    I'm glad I ran a Ponzi scheme instead of doing this kind of horseshit

    – Berns

    • Dalio's Gardener says:

      Are you sure BW isn't a ponzi scheme? The "Beta" fund being up every year, even when the markets are down, should raise some red flags for investors…

  29. TGFBV says:

    Markets are efficient. If there is a Hyena coming, the Wildebeest will go in a different direction.

    –Helicopter Ben and all my really smart economist buddies. We know better.

  30. SoSo Def says:

    I'm still waiting for that moment of hubris coming back to bite them like Vega, Clarium, Drake, Paulson, etc…I'm sorry, I said "them", I meant to say Bridgewater =)

  31. cobra says:

    if a fund blows up but nobody is there to trade it, does it actually blow up?

  32. ShortShorts says:

    Renior?

  33. Guest says:

    Some day it will be discovered that Bridgewater is a big Ponzi scheme and this is all smoke an mirrors to distract the SEC and the rest of us.

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