Think twice about calling in "sick"

Bridgewater Associates Suggests Fate Worse Than Firing In Store For Hyenas Caught Cheating On Day-Long Principles Exam

A couple weeks back, we noted that Bridgewater Associates had informed employees that they would be required to sit for an exam on the contents of Principles, a 123 page company handbook of sorts, written by founder Ray Dalio and comprised of hundreds of “principles” that guide every aspect of life at the firm. Though familiarity with them has always been an essential part of the job, there has never been a formal test determining that all employees met the required level of proficiency and some people were said to be a bit nervous about what to expect. Luckily, a group called the Principles Training Team sent out an email yesterday walking everyone through what “Test Day” will entail and it appears there is nothing to worry about. The exam, which will begin at 9AM and end at 5PM with a break for lunch is simply “meant to feel like a day-long conversation on Principles.” That doesn’t sound so bad, right? Sure, parts of that conversation (which will take place between you and your computer), during which you “should have no materials on your desk,” will be graded, but Bridgewater is just trying to determine “what you know and honestly think about Principles.” Think of this thing as just a coupla wildebeests, havin’ a chat. Of course, as is the case in any animal kingdom, sometimes you’ll find a few wildebeests looking to cut corners via cheat sheets– you don’t want to be those wildebeests, as the PTT will “audit for cheating, and cheating will be dealt with severely.” To that end, don’t be a weaselly wildebeest who suddenly comes with a stomach bug on Test Day. The PTT will “keep track of lateness or unexpected absence,” and cautions that one might want to “think twice about calling in ‘sick’!”





Good luck to all!

Earlier: A Wildebeest Leaves New York Traveling North At 10 MPH. A Hyena Leaves Westport Traveling South At 15MPH. At What Time Does The Wildebeest Get Eaten?

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296 Responses to “Bridgewater Associates Suggests Fate Worse Than Firing In Store For Hyenas Caught Cheating On Day-Long Principles Exam”

  1. Ferris Bueller, CFA says:

    The key to faking out PTT is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh… you get a nervous HR dept, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than Test Day. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is Bridgewater.

  2. dumb says:

    Being a member of PTT is the NKI…

  3. Guest says:

    Jesus, Ray, you don't already know who the bottom 10% are based on your totally naked honesty approach? Just fire them.

    -Neutron Jack

    • thezissou says:

      Is he going by Jesus now? Its hard to stay on top of which deity he is the reincarnate week to week…

  4. guest says:

    This reads like something from a Scientology orientation seminar.

  5. guest says:

    Rumor has it that Test Part III has something to do with Flavor Aid (but we didn't receive that memo yet).

  6. Oh Cult! says:

    Jim Jones Punch will be served during the lunch break. Don't forget to wear your jumpsuits with matching sneakers!

  7. pazzo83 says:

    break for lunch = break for margs?

    – M Levine

  8. 1984 says:

    All your brains are belong to us.

  9. Offended says:

    Evolve the machine? Collect dots on people that are different? You mean people from India?

    -Guy who thinks the test is racist.

  10. guest says:

    Is it wrong for me to hope for some cataclysmic event to hit the markets and leave all of Bridgewater's investments completely upside down by pencils down time at 5pm on the 24th?

    -guy who hates organized brainwashing

  11. PermaGuestII says:

    Isn't this a rather unproductive use of a trading day?

  12. pazzo83 says:

    "so you can use your iPrinciples coach"

    See you in court!

    – Apple, Inc

  13. Roger Meyers says:

    Hey, Ray .. Excuse me, but "robust," "dots," and "tidbits." Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I?

  14. gab says:

    Damn – I don't even work there and that made me nervous…

    • BessLevin says:

      I got that feeling when it's been announced that someone got caught doing something Really Bad and you know it's not you but you panic for a second that maybe it was you while reading "think twice about calling in 'sick'."

      • Orwellian says:

        Can you imagine the high level of assholeness required to be a leader on the Principles Training Team? A big enough ahole to want to police and catch people who don't comply fully? That's some new world 1984 shit there.

      • Guest says:

        Totally.

        – Guy who got that same feeling when you posted about match.com spreadsheets guy

  15. Hyena Games says:

    Good luck! And may the odds be ever in your favor!

  16. Evolve the machine says:

    "Learn how to collect meaningful dots about people that can illuminate the many, many in which they can be different"

    OK.

  17. GhostInTheMachine says:

    We are spirits in the material world.

    That is all.

  18. Bandersnatch says:

    "will measure … how you think differently from others". They must pay really, really, really, really,really, really, really, really,really, really, really, really,really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,really, really, really, really,really, really, really, really,really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really well to put up with that shit.

  19. Alt_EST says:

    Copula of Wildebeests? I used that one a lot back in '07.

    -UBS Sub-Saharan RMBS Structuing Quant

  20. Normal Distribution says:

    Ray Dalio, achieving normalcy one foible at a time.

  21. Guest says:

    6pm – Cocktails at the Ministry of Truth

  22. Guest says:

    Bess, will you sponsor Matt to sit for this exam as well?

  23. Sean says:

    You can't make an omelte without scramblin' a few brains.

    Bridgewater Associates '12 Prospectus

  24. Omaha Hyena says:

    Warren Buffett has more money than Dalio. Theoretically, Dalio should be giving all his top people Blizzard enemas on a regular basis to get them to become creative enough to produce more money -up to Buffett's level- as opposed to mandating psychologically menacing "tests"

  25. Winston Smith says:

    2+2=5

    Ministry of Truth Quant

  26. PTT says:

    Principles test passer > CFA

    • Joe C says:

      Principles Training Team > CFA Level IV

    • cfa ethics test says:

      "Bill, a private wealth advisor, likes to have several cocktails at his club during lunch. Upon returning to his office, his colleagues observe him making investment decisions while obviously drunk."

      Is this

      (a) a violation of CFA principle 1b
      (b) a violation of CFA principle 3c
      (c) a complete fiction, who has time to "lunch" at their "club?"
      (d) praiseworthy if you can get away with it

  27. Strong sell says:

    The test isn't that hard, you just have to read Dianetics…er….The Principles like 3 times and you're fine.

  28. Girl good w/ssheets says:

    I've follow "The Rules" and they work. Am I hired?

  29. VonSloneker says:

    Kaplan has already set up a prep course for the Principles Exam. It involves in class exercises designed to acclimate you to the forfiture of your dignity…nudity, ball gags, photoshopped images of your significant other with other men/women, a barrage of "your momma" jokes etc.

    – Guy who would definitely turn in an ABACADABA Scantron on this one

  30. Mother nature says:

    These douche bags can't even stack a proper sandbag

  31. FKApmco says:

    Ray: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME. You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for yourselves. You're ALL individuals.
    B/water employees (in unison): Yes, we are all individuals.

  32. _guest says:

    I've scanned The Principles and I'm thinking that Bridgewater might be a good fit for me.

    -Impressionable DeVry '12 MBA Candidate

  33. Nikes and Capes says:

    Hail Bop!

  34. Tom C says:

    I heard John Travolta got a 100 on this

  35. Indubitably says:

    My guess is you don't want to do too well on this exam. Then they know that you actually have a lot of time to do things outside of your actual job, like study. These are the people they lay off first.

    You want to do just well enough to show your a good test taker who can think on this feet, but also show that your job is so demanding that there's no way you can have studied. That's what the PTT is looking for

  36. Slothman says:

    I forgot my fuckin pencil… got an extra ray ?

    was out late, dog ate that principals shit you been passin out, but I scanned it at the bar.

  37. Ray Ray Dalio Jr Jr says:

    What time is the session on inbreeding? And is Maxine Waters teaching anything this year? I like shiny objects.

    -MD BW

  38. Guestest says:

    "Evolve the Machine: Learn how to better collect meaningful dots about people… "

    BW Associates, Welcome to the Hotel California!

  39. Guest says:

    When I say that these are my principles, I don’t mean that in a possessive or egotistical way.

    -R Dalio

  40. kill me says:

    Nobody wants my opinion on this??

    -guy from the other bwater thread who is suspected of dating a wildebeest

  41. Guest says:

    It's all smoke and mirrors to cover up that it's really a big ponzi scheme

    — guy who is a mole, or has a mole

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