Area Drunk Offers Handy How To Guide Re: Not Being Labeled “That Guy (Who Uses The Front Door Of A House As A Garage Door)” At The Office

Planning to knock off work early every evening from now through Labor Day and/or take the edge off life with some adult beverages during lunch because it’s summer and you deserve it? Want to have “fun” but not do anything “crazy“? If parking your car in a stranger’s backyard via their house constitutes a line you don’t want to cross, and you have roughly the same alcohol tolerance as a 21 year-old female, consider telling co-workers and friends you want to be cut off at a dozen drinks. Fourteen, max.

A Long Island prosecutor said today that a preliminary field test indicated that the Brooklyn woman who crashed through a house had consumed about 15 drinks before the accident. Police arrested 21-year-old Sophia Anderson following the crash Monday at 4 a.m. in Huntington. Anderson is accused of DWI after her red Mercedes-Benz CLK 320 in the rear of 96-year-old Helen Indiere’s once-tidy home. The car smashed through the home, ending up in the backyard. She suffered scrapes and bruises, while an unidentified passenger was not injured. Indiere who was inside the house and her caretaker were miraculously not injured. Anderson pleaded not guilty on Tuesday. Bail was set at $50,000. A Suffolk County prosecutor said a preliminary field test at the crash scene indicated a blood-alcohol reading of 0.30. Each alcoholic drink raises the level by about 0.02. The legal limit is 0.08. Anderson’s lawyer questioned the validity of the sobriety test.

NY prosecutor: Woman drunk drove car through house [WSJ]
B’klyn woman had ‘over a dozen drinks’ in her at time of crash: DA [NYP]

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103 Responses to “Area Drunk Offers Handy How To Guide Re: Not Being Labeled “That Guy (Who Uses The Front Door Of A House As A Garage Door)” At The Office”

  1. Guest says:

    So where's Matt? Did he, like, lie about his passing the Level 1 and has now taken a week off to furiously study for the make up?

  2. demographic says:

    Area Drunk & Wollensky

    -[Redacted Penn Undegrad '12]

  3. guest says:

    tag of the day: mug shots that say “call the cops i don’t give a fuck”

  4. Bandersnatch says:

    Her shirt collar is all over the place. A messy collar always gives the wrong first impression.

    • stylish guest says:

      True, though I thought it was impressive that at least half of it was still popped. You can take the douchbag loving fall down drunk out of the frat house but you can't take the frat house out of the douchebag loving fall down drunk.

  5. Let them eat dog says:

    And that is the image of her that will come up on a google image search for as long as there is a google.

  6. investorcluzo says:

    the popped collar says: "meet me at culture club"; the busted face says: "meet me at minetta's"

  7. William Jennings says:

    Yeesh, way safer to take a cab…at least for you.

  8. guest says:

    i would wager my net worth x 10 that her passenger was some guy expecting a drunk hookup. there are people stupid enough to get into a car driven by someone who has had 5 drinks. 10 even. But 15? not for a simple ride home.

  9. Guest says:

    Fucking pre-fab piece of shit.

    – Helen Indiere

  10. guest says:


  11. He Who Ponders says:

    Cost of a cab vs. cost of driving yourself after 15 drinks = serious risk managers vs. whatever JP Morgan has now

  12. Concerned 3rd Party says:

    I hope her face doesn't look like that all the time.

  13. Guest says:

    Ill have whatever she's having.

    -UBS MD

    • Caption Ahab says:

      You already did, but you're good, here's another

      – UBS risk management bartender

  14. gab says:

    A face only an airbag could love.

  15. Shecky Hoffa says:

    She's obviously not a union member because she has the look of a scab.

  16. Alan says:

    Haha driving drunk. Classic.

  17. Henny Daingerfield says:

    A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

    "I’ve been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you’ve had quite a few.

    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf."

  18. structured prods says:

    Driving drunk through a house? Try stabbing your driver, then we can talk.

    -Felonious Director from Morgan Stanley

  19. Evel Knievel says:

    Airbags only go off the first time you his the thouse wall. As you pass through the living room, past the kitchen, past the hallway, past the half bath, past the mid century modern furniture, over the wool rug, beside the tea tray on casters, past the violets set up to catch the south sun, past the lamp table, past the lamps set to go off via "The Clapper", past the 4 week medicine container, past the LIfe Alert module, past 4 issues of Wrestle Mania Magazine, past 2 stacks of Readers Digest, past the walker with tennis balls on the back 2 legs, past the signed Liberace fan picture and finally into and through the second wall , there is no airbag to protect you.

  20. Laxbro says:

    Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar up in Connecticut.

    Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

    After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

    At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

    The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

    To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

    "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

  21. Guest says:

    Sometimes I wonder if I'm funny, or just good at recognizing quality humor and then remembering it for future retelling purposes.

    • TheJokeBriefer says:

      You do the world a service when you can be both, dear guest. It takes a funny person, or someone with a "sense" of humor, to recognize the valuable tool a joke can be. When you harvest a joke and store it away to be released at the proper moment, you are not being "joke-tose intolerant". You are attempting to brighten the day of the downtrodden, the depressed and the self absorbed. A good joke is like a gentle slap in the face, a wake up call or a mint on your bed when you retire for the evening. Speaking of that, your Joke Briefer returned to his hotel room in Manhattan one night and as a result of his high blood alcohol level collapsed on his bed fully dressed where a chocolate mint had been placed by attentive hotel staff. When awakened the next morning, a self examination revealed a large dark stain where the chocolate had melted on his pants that were not removed prior to retiring for the evening and created quite a fright. Not all jokes are chocolate mints, but it's the thought that counts.

      • Guest says:

        Thank you. I've never thought of it like that. I thought funny people create the joke and put it out there to induce laughter — or an awkward silence or the dreaded sycophantic chuckle — and vultures like me took what worked like some a comedy plagiarizer. I get all the praise for being the funny guy, while the engineer of the joke probably sulks about the parts I discarded. Further, I don't repeat routines to brighten the day, I just want people to like me. And I read once that girls like funny guys. I didn't find myself that funny, so I had to adapt by theft.

  22. Andrew Klein says:

    That was actually me, again.

  23. Lizzie Grubman says:

    Try using reverse next time…

  24. TGFBV says:

    After the 2038 Senatorial Elections:

    Announcing Senator Sophia Anderson and her husband, John Blutarsky III.

  25. Guest says:

    Ever since I can (and can't) remember…

  26. unwanted guest says:

    The cuts and bruises may suggest otherwise but the smile says it was all worth it.

  27. SizzUS says:

    You had me at, "Area Drunk Offers Handy."

  28. vp_md says:

    mary jo kopechne was unavailable for comment

  29. sara says:

    jeez- she's a dead ringer for casey anthony-

  30. Peter R Fletcher says:

    This reminds me of my stubborn days back in college! I used to climb the garage to go inside our place drunk! The cool thing now though, is that we already have those garage door remote control and I have my own! I get to go in our house drunk, and free from those bruises!

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