Back in the day, Eric Kelly was a four-time National Amateur Boxing champion, who won the NYC Golden Gloves tournament twice, was ranked number one in the country and number four in the world. Then he took a pool cue to the eye and it ended his career. And while Kelly misses doing what he loves, some might say he currently has pretty, pretty sweet gig: teaching financial services hacks how to box by telling them how much they suck.

In this delightful Animal New York video, Kelly takes us through his process, which involves walking around the Church Street Boxing Gym and calling the Wall Street guys he (doesn’t) train: “dumb motherfuckers,” “fucking nerds,” and “pieces of shit.” Early on in the tour, he informs the cameraman that “practically all of these motherfuckers suck.” He tells one client, “That’s a hook, retard,” with no further guidance. He asks another, “Where’d you get those shorts from? They look like 1972 NBA Eastern Conference Shorts. It looks like all the nerds in the world decided to have a convention on your body.” Later, he expresses his desire for “some of these cats to lose the address to this place,” wisely noting that “Not everything is for everybody– you don’t see me going to motherfucking Wall Street, picking up a briefcase trying to type.” Still though, Kelly says he “Couldn’t ask for a better job, even if the people are…miscreants.”

Weak Men Pay This Boxing Coach To Tell Them They Are Terrible [AnimalNY]

439 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (439)

  1. Posted by Shooter M. | May 17, 2012 at 2:18 PM

    But does he eat pieces of shit like them for breakfast?

  2. Posted by Blind Mentor | May 17, 2012 at 2:23 PM

    How did he know it was a hook if he took a pool cue to the eye?

  3. Posted by guest | May 17, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    Because he took a pool cue to the "eye," singular? As in the other one still works? Is this thing on?

  4. Posted by Daniel-san | May 17, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    I guess Mr. Miyagi wasn't that bad after all!

  5. Posted by Motives | May 17, 2012 at 2:28 PM

    The clue that this is a fake story is that there is no way this guy knows the meaning or how to spell "miscreant"

  6. Posted by VonSloneker | May 17, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    So you're a nerd dominatrix…maybe we should talk.

    – Zuck

  7. Posted by H. Moody | May 17, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    Pretty sure I wrote an entire book about knocking out investment-wankers and calling them piece-of-shit-mother-fuckers.

  8. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 2:31 PM

    Love how typing is the thing he doesn't go around trying to do, like that's the tricky part.

  9. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 2:37 PM

    Just goes to show you that you can be a 4-point student at a feeder school, you can get recruited by Goldman, you can make $1M a year at 27 years old. But behind that patina of arrogance you know you'd trade it all for the stories about getting ass during high school (and the first 3 years of college) and the ability to hold back potty when a group of delinquents walks by you downtown.

  10. Posted by John Thomas Fin | May 17, 2012 at 2:37 PM

    "you don’t see me going to motherfucking Wall Street, picking up a briefcase trying to type"

    Well, feel free to come on down anytime!

  11. Posted by Fixed Income | May 17, 2012 at 2:39 PM

    Pool cue to the eye? I think he was holding the pool cue backwards.

    – AIG FP Billiards Quant

  12. Posted by VonSloneker | May 17, 2012 at 2:41 PM

    Fuck you man, I'll break your "home key" fingers bitch

    – Mavis Beacon

  13. Posted by G. Smith | May 17, 2012 at 2:44 PM

    Table Tennis > Getting Ass

  14. Posted by RBS Quant | May 17, 2012 at 2:44 PM

    Wait, it's not?

  15. Posted by Texashedge | May 17, 2012 at 2:47 PM

    "Hire this man!"

    -Dalio

  16. Posted by Fan Boi | May 17, 2012 at 2:48 PM

    Hey Geezer Oil Trader – you forgot to sign in!

  17. Posted by BessLevin | May 17, 2012 at 2:51 PM

    I really want him to become a motivational speaker/life coach.

  18. Posted by guest | May 17, 2012 at 2:51 PM

    Y'all eat pieces of shit, what's the basis? We ain't goin nowhere we got suits and cases.

  19. Posted by H. Moody | May 17, 2012 at 2:54 PM

    Not the Geezer Trader, but a fan of his work.

  20. Posted by Bandersnatch | May 17, 2012 at 2:54 PM

    Speaking for myself, I kinda like making an imperial ass-ton of money. That way I rarely cross paths with delinquents "downtown".

  21. Posted by Jiang, Ping | May 17, 2012 at 2:57 PM

    Pool cues to the non-brown eye are the NKI

  22. Posted by Lost and Scared | May 17, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    See: Mike "Thesaurus" Tyson for evidence to the contrary.

  23. Posted by ringer | May 17, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    Dude…just keep moving to his left….his left….his left….can't talk shit if you can't find me…to the left

  24. Posted by MD Quant | May 17, 2012 at 3:01 PM

    RBS M&A MD says what?

  25. Posted by guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:03 PM

    Typing on a briefcase probably is pretty tricky.

  26. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:06 PM

    He thinks a pool cue to the eye is bad? Try taking a towel snap to the cornea in the Equinox men's steam room.

  27. Posted by guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:13 PM

    Please consider giving him a guest advice column.

  28. Posted by guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:16 PM

    Hey, Woman. Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man.

  29. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:20 PM

    Who uses a briefcase to type?

  30. Posted by Guest! | May 17, 2012 at 3:21 PM

    Not with the new iBriefcase touchscreen!

  31. Posted by Nerd | May 17, 2012 at 3:24 PM

    I wish I was an amateur boxing world champ. And an alternate in the olympics. Or waitlisted at Harvard.

  32. Posted by Mike | May 17, 2012 at 3:25 PM

    My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart! I want to eat your children! Praise be to Lloyd

  33. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:28 PM

    I used to be an amateur boxer, then a I took a arrow to the knee.

  34. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:29 PM

    I wonder if the dude's shitty attitude was the driver behind a pool cue to the eye, or the result of it. I'll probably never know…

  35. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:29 PM

    Is that Matt with him in the picture?

  36. Posted by motives | May 17, 2012 at 3:32 PM

    what happened to his fresh suit and skateboard?

  37. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:34 PM

    The dude only has one eye! Cut him some slack!

  38. Posted by Jaden | May 17, 2012 at 3:38 PM

    Jackie Chan would kill this guy

  39. Posted by VonSloneker | May 17, 2012 at 3:38 PM

    Or DB B-School correspondent

  40. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 3:41 PM

    I caught Erik's presentation at last year's Value Investing Congress and thought his slides on increased domestic savings rates' effect on global consumption were well-placed.

  41. Posted by motives | May 17, 2012 at 3:44 PM

    single, nostalgic tear.

    -laxbro

  42. Posted by Texas PE | May 17, 2012 at 3:45 PM

    Gasparino, don't even bother disguising yourself as a "Guest". We all know it's you

  43. Posted by Nervous Jew | May 17, 2012 at 3:48 PM

    That is not me in the picture, but he still makes me nervous.

  44. Posted by suburbia | May 17, 2012 at 3:56 PM

    If i want to be called a piece of shit all I need to do is go home to the wife. Really no need to complicate things with exercise.

  45. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 4:01 PM

    You got game, homie.

  46. Posted by guest | May 17, 2012 at 4:03 PM

    There are thugs in every nabe.

  47. Posted by PermaGuestII | May 17, 2012 at 4:10 PM

    "I'm… amphibious!"

  48. Posted by Clubber | May 17, 2012 at 4:12 PM

    I can't be beat and I won't be beat. This time I'm gunna train even harder, this time there won't be any quick knockdowns. I'm gunna torture him, I'm gunna crucify him… real bad

    -Guy who was inspired by post above

  49. Posted by Kristin Davis | May 17, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    I have got two girls who will provide this service for roughly 3000 roses per night

  50. Posted by Guestivus | May 17, 2012 at 4:24 PM

    Especially impressive considering he wrote all of his notes with his desk.

  51. Posted by Pedantic Guy | May 17, 2012 at 4:26 PM

    Examine your motives.

  52. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 4:28 PM

    Who types with his eye?

    O.P.

  53. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 4:29 PM

    But that would require typing

  54. Posted by dictater | May 17, 2012 at 4:32 PM

    Seeing as how the man can't type, I assume he'll be dictating his column to Matt?

  55. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 4:35 PM

    I don't know about the rest of you, but I would trade it all for being able to dream about the long-gone glory days of high school while wandering around Hunts Point.

  56. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 4:37 PM

    His fists would break the keyboard/briefcase.

  57. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 4:38 PM

    What about the 4th year of college?

  58. Posted by nygiants2286 | May 17, 2012 at 4:56 PM

    By Zuck you mean Sorkin

  59. Posted by guest | May 17, 2012 at 5:05 PM

    A lot of people probably voted this down for being blatantly racist. I'm more offended by how horribly unfunny it is. Just thought you should know.

  60. Posted by TheJokeBriefer | May 17, 2012 at 5:07 PM

    Your Joke Briefer is available this afternoon should anyone feel perplexed about Guest's witticism above and seek further guffawtry elucidation.

  61. Posted by Minnesota Fats | May 17, 2012 at 5:08 PM

    Left eye ball in the corner pocket.

  62. Posted by fitting in | May 17, 2012 at 5:29 PM

    Please indulge us!

  63. Posted by Token | May 17, 2012 at 5:41 PM

    if it wasnt for the 2 overqualified diversity (the only black people he talks to in a month) hires on his desk.. he wouldnt have made that comment

  64. Posted by Cameron Frye | May 17, 2012 at 6:23 PM

    4th year of undergrad is when after 21 pathetic years of life, you finally lose your virginity to some ho-bag and inevitably fall in love with her. At least that's what Ferris told me.

  65. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 6:24 PM

    I bet you also wish girls didn't ask you for $700 after you have sex with them. Boom, roasted.

  66. Posted by Big Sean | May 17, 2012 at 6:28 PM

    Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass..

  67. Posted by TheJokeBriefer | May 17, 2012 at 6:30 PM

    Thank you, fitting in. Guest shows us his hipness and scenesterific observation skills by melding earlier comments about why certain members of the Commentariat "could have been contenders" in boxing or certain aspects of professional skills, but certain life events kept them from so doing with a meme that developed about a year ago in the orbit of the graphic game, "Skyrim". In the sweet science of comic observations, Guest led us with a lament (I used to be an amateur boxer….) and followed with a quick jab….dare I say "punch"line?….."but I took an arrow to the knee". It is with the meme punchline.."but I took an arrow to the knee"….. that causes the synapses to fire in the comedic portion of one's brain if one is familiar with the meme. To wit (from the analysis of the meme associated with Skyrim":

    "In The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, the town guard non-player characters (NPCs) have several stock lines they will repeat when the player walks near them, including a bewildered statement about “curved swords”, a patronizing statement about “sweetroll” theft, and the melancholy confession “I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee.” The restating of such a specific story over and over again by so many different guards caused it to be noticed by players, who then proceeded to post about it in gaming forums and image boards. Along with the game itself, the video below helps give the idea that almost every guard in Skyrim became a guard due to the life altering results of receiving an arrow to the knee." (Thanks and credit to the website: "Know Your Meme".)

    The restating of the comment forges it into comic meme-dom to be used in any setting:

    "I could have scored 1400 on the SATs… but I took an arrow to the knee."

    "I could have done the exact opposite trade of the one that lost $2 billion …but I took an arrow to the knee…"

    "I could have told Yahoo the truth about my resume…but I took an arrow to the knee."

    I hope that helps.

    Further reading:

    1. "What the Fuck Are You Doing On That Website? – The History of Accountants Use of Company Time Visiting 4Chan", Random Press, 2011.

    2. "New Trends in Creative Use of Excuses By Over Extended Managements of Mid-Continent Oil and Gas Producers", Thunder Press, 2012.

    3. "This Fucking Captcha Is Impossible to Read! — Comment and Image Posting Difficulties Among A Cohort of Financial Analysts on Certain Websites after 3:00 AM EST", Moderated Press, 2010.

  68. Posted by YieldToImmaturity | May 17, 2012 at 6:42 PM

    Something tells me that running his mouth probably caused his career ending altercation, but then again, what would I know. I'm just a Wall Street typist.

    -Wall Street typist

  69. Posted by Guest | May 17, 2012 at 7:18 PM

    So which guy in the video are you? This video was hilarious. Eric Kelly seemed like a good guy to me. The roasting/torching/"making fun of" is just something black people do to each other that hyper-sensitive white people might take seriously. It's not really mean spirited and I bet deep down he appreciates all of the nerds that come to his gym.

  70. Posted by Church street | May 17, 2012 at 9:04 PM

    I work with him. He has a degree in English.

  71. Posted by GuestInfiniti | May 17, 2012 at 9:11 PM

    Tldr

  72. Posted by guest | May 17, 2012 at 10:53 PM

    That's how it came off (lighthearted, not mean spirited). Sounded like DB agrees (called him delightful etc).

  73. Posted by unwanted guest | May 18, 2012 at 12:46 AM

    Self deprecation: paying to have a high school drop out run his mouth off at you while getting the crap beat out of you by the speed bag.

  74. Posted by Guest | May 18, 2012 at 8:55 AM

    Didn't actually watch the video, just read the story. Bad attitude comment rescinded.

  75. Posted by guest | May 18, 2012 at 9:06 AM

    Don't comment again until you learn what "self-deprecation" actually means.

  76. Posted by VonSloneker | May 18, 2012 at 9:18 AM

    All your acronyms are belong to us

    – CATS

  77. Posted by Guest | May 18, 2012 at 2:25 PM

    ^^^by far the most perceptive comment on here, with the exception of the joke briefer…
    anyone who takes the video seriously and/or personally is just another self conscious i banker. not that there's anything wrong with that either. Think the point is really just that it's funny when two completely divergent types personal histories converge for humors. Mutual respect is a very valuable trait that very few people have.

  78. Posted by guest | May 18, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    haha

  79. Posted by tseug | May 18, 2012 at 2:49 PM

    Where?
    -Villanova MBA

  80. Posted by AverageJoe23 | May 18, 2012 at 5:56 PM

    or should you say, "cornia pocket". lol

  81. Posted by unwanted guest | May 18, 2012 at 6:26 PM

    Word Nazi: nuance isn't your forte, apparently, and I'll give you a few minutes to look those words up.
    If you go to a club and get accosted verbally that might be bullying. If you pay monthly fees and show up regularly to get verbally lambasted by some clown you're either pathetic or you're in on the joke and behaving in a self deprecating manner ( let's say by proxy if that makes it easier for you). I didn't see any looks of surprise there, in fact there were a few smiles for the camera. They get the humor.

  82. Posted by Mofo Guest | May 19, 2012 at 3:14 AM

    This man is phucking brilliant. I mean brilliant. He knows a POS idiot when he creams one.

    Kelly is one mofo socially-incorrect-POS-identifying champ!

    Gosh damn he's funny 'cause he be right!

  83. Posted by Homer S | May 19, 2012 at 4:18 AM

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