Confidential To One Small Arachnid: Jamie Dimon Is Coming For You

The past couple of weeks, some might argue, have been the worst of Jamie Dimon’s professional career. Although being fired by Sandy Weill in 1998 was obviously a distressing time in Dimon’s life, a JPMorgan trader’s multi-billion dollar (and counting) loss appears to be even more painful for the CEO, who now has a reputation (and a title: “America’s Least Hated Banker”) to defend. While it’s unlikely that the blunder will cost him his job, every article written questioning Dimon’s judgment, suggesting that he is in fact fallible, and wondering aloud if he is simply a pretty face (that is about to get the regulation it has vociferously argued against rammed down its throat) clearly hurts. So far, Dimon has chosen to frame the situation, at least publicly, as a group fuck-up, one for which the responsibility is shared among himself, The Whale, The Whale’s bosses, and The Whale’s bosses’ bosses. Over the weekend, though, a heretofore unmentioned character, whose actions set in motion the events that served to tarnish JD’s halo, was added to story. And now, Dimon has a place to channel his anger: on a bloodsucking vermin whose days are numbered.

Ever since JPMorgan Chase disclosed a multibillion-dollar trading loss this month, the central mystery has been how a bank known for its skill at risk management could err so badly. As early as 2010, the senior banker who has been blamed for the debacle, Ina Drew, began to lose her grip on the bank’s chief investment office, according to current and former traders. She had guided the bank through some of the most rugged moments of the 2008 financial crisis, earning the trust of Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan’s chief executive, in the process. But after contracting Lyme disease in 2010, she was frequently out of the office for a critical period, when her unit was making riskier bets, and her absences allowed long-simmering internal divisions and clashing egos to come to the fore, the traders said. The morning conference calls Ms. Drew had presided over devolved into shouting matches between her deputies in New York and London, the traders said. That discord in 2010 and 2011 contributed to the chief investment office’s losing trades in 2012, the current and former bankers said.

“When Ina was there, things ran smoothly,” one former trader there said. But Ms. Drew’s firm hand began to weaken after she contracted Lyme disease. Her absences opened the door for tensions among her deputies to flare into the open…Most significant, her deputy in New York was increasingly at loggerheads with her deputy in London who spearheaded the strategy behind the losing bet, Achilles Macris, the current and former traders said. But there was only so much she could do when she was away.

So, first off, the tick that bit Drew is a dead man (though probably a woman, as “the female adult is usually the one causing the most bites as males usually die after mating“). If people thought Dimon was mad after being informed of the losses, just wait. He’s going to find that bitch tick and shoot her with a cannon.

Next, it’s time to put some safeguards in place to protect his bank from anymore “surprises.” Effective immediately, JPMorgan employees are banned from venturing into the forest, for any reason whatsoever. Same goes for grasslands, marshes, and anywhere tall grass grows. Anyone planning on prancing through the meadows in slow motion to meet up with and embrace a loved one in some kind of romantic gesture can forget it. The JPMorgan Outdoor Club is officially disbanded. Contact with children who are cub scouts is forbidden. Any girl scouts who attempt to set foot on the premises in order to sell cookies will be shot on sight. (These people are breeding grounds for ticks, what with their expeditions into the woods for merit badges and whatnot. He’s going first derivative here, while at the same time trying to not enact mandates that make him look ridiculous.)

As for the tick community in general, a weekend of researching surely brought Dimon in contact with the fact that your kind can live but two years without sucking the blood of an animal or human. Life was good when you had throngs of JPMorgan employees picnicking in the woods to feed on but with JD’s new Draconian edicts, sooner or later you’ll be smoked out, forced to make your way to the big city– perhaps to JPM’s headquarters on Park Ave. Then, IT’S ON.

Discord at Key JPMorgan Unit Is Faulted in Loss [NYT]

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35 Responses to “Confidential To One Small Arachnid: Jamie Dimon Is Coming For You”

  1. Bandersnatch says:

    "her deputy in London who spearheaded the strategy behind the losing bet, Achilles Macris".
    I bet that guy thought he was invunerable.
    – Paris

  2. guest says:

    You suck Dimon !!!!

    Keep them hands up and tuck in the chin!!!.

    You POS miscreant nerd ..

    Pick up your briefcase and GTFO outta my ring…muthf@cker!!!

    – E. Kelly

  3. Cut Me says:

    When life gives you Lyme, make Lyme-aid

  4. Gaysparino says:

    I would let him ravage me for eternity in the Equinox steam room.

  5. E. Texas Gas Trader says:

    Fuckers. Now everyone will know one of our favorite pick-up lines: "Darlin', I'd be glad to check you for ticks…."

  6. Percy Wakkes-Bush says:

    Considering their history of bad trades, is that why traders from Britain are called "Lymeys"?

  7. London Whale says:

    I bet Dimon is pretty ticked off at Ina Drew.

  8. pleeease don't ban says:

    "Over the weekend, though, a heretofore unmentioned character…"

    Bess I love you but I've always preferred 'hitherto'

  9. Dr.LeoSpaceman says:

    Curing Lyme disease is the NKI

  10. smallButSturdyPenis says:

    things ran "smoothly" when she was in but then blew the fuck up when she wasn't? So it was like, "commence shitty high-risk trading, the coast it clear!" and then, "oh crap, reverse them all, she's back in!!" and then finally, "ok, roid that risk back the fuck up, the bitch be all Lymed-out again!" Really? oh..uh..really? Huh, well maybe that makes sense…OK, yeah, I guess this all sounds cool. Sorry to bother you with these annoying questions, Mr. D., um, I mean, Sir.

    – SEC guy who's really starting to piece things together only to fuck it all up in the end anyway

  11. Aggie Intern says:

    Brad Paisley sang about girls and ticks on this song:–JyVxZmGQ

    Ticks part is at 1:33 or so. It is safe for work.

  12. The Dude says:

    Two billion is a fictional number. I don't believe this story for a second

    -UBS Head of Risk Mgmt

  13. KPCOFGS says:

    i did not know that ticks were arachnids untili read this post. Always had thought they were insects. Props on the biological taxonomy, Bess.

  14. A. Ketchum says:

    But wild pokemon live in the tall grass…