What if Mark Zuckerberg wore cutoff jean shorts and a mesh Hawaii 69 football jersey to the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg wore a Mr. Peanut costume to the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg dressed up as Jesus Quintana for the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg wore a tuxedo tee-shirt to the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg wore Crocs to the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg entered the Facebook roadshow as a member of the Lollipop Guild?

What if Mark Zuckerberg wore Capri pants to the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg wore a wetsuit to the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg wore a straitjacket to the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg dressed as Robocop for the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg wore a Lacoste polo with an argyle sweater wrapped around his neck to the Facebook roadshow?

What if Mark Zuckerberg wore dress pants, a button down shirt, and the Hannibal Lechter mask from Silence of the Lambs to the Facebook roadshow?

Would things have turned out differently? If Zuckerberg had left the hoodie at home? One guy, in all seriousness, says yes.

“I felt that had Mr. Zuckerberg worn a jacket instead of a hoodie (showing them that he respected them enough to “dress up”), he would have made a statement to them that he cares about their needs, and will act in their best interest. He chose not to make that statement, and the current share price demonstrates that investors have chosen not to support Facebook shares. All of this is iterative. Had Facebook issued 10 million shares instead of 421 million, the stock would probably be much higher. However, had Mr. Zuckerberg worn a jacket and reassured investors that he is aligned with their expectations, perhaps more people would be stepping in to buy now.”

So…yeah.

135 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (135)

  1. Posted by Tseug | May 23, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    What if Mark Zuckerberg had worn assless leather chaps, Fireman Ed's helmet and a big foam finger, and had held the roadshow meeting at Minettas?

  2. Posted by NakedShort | May 23, 2012 at 3:01 PM

    poke me so I know its you?

  3. Posted by guest | May 23, 2012 at 3:02 PM

    If he had any real maverick balls he would have worn the stupid hoodie at his wedding.

  4. Posted by yee | May 23, 2012 at 3:03 PM

    can someone call the wahmbulance for this guy?

  5. Posted by 100xEPS | May 23, 2012 at 3:08 PM

    What if MS had accurately priced the IPO?

  6. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 3:12 PM

    What if Mark Zuckerberg wore a suit made of cheese, would you eat it? I know I would.

    - H. Caray

  7. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 3:13 PM

    Fucking Quintana man. That creep can role.

  8. Posted by im_new_here | May 23, 2012 at 3:14 PM

    Ummm….Patriarch Partners would be supporting the stock at 38?

  9. Posted by vp_md | May 23, 2012 at 3:14 PM

    jesus

  10. Posted by Fixed Income | May 23, 2012 at 3:15 PM

    We would have looked like identical twins at the bar and the stock would be trading in the low 30s?

    – A. R. Sorkin

  11. Posted by HighFrequencyHater | May 23, 2012 at 3:15 PM

    "Had Facebook issued 10 million shares instead of 421 million, the stock would probably be much higher. "

    I guess he'd feel better being down 20% on fewer shares with much higher opening price?

  12. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 3:16 PM

    What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us?Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make His way home?

  13. Posted by Gzuz | May 23, 2012 at 3:16 PM

    What if Mark Zuckerberg wore a ball gag and some sweet flip flops to the Facebook roadshow?

  14. Posted by NakedShort | May 23, 2012 at 3:17 PM

    What if C-A-T spelled dog.

    -Ogre

  15. Posted by VonSloneker | May 23, 2012 at 3:18 PM

    Flashback…haven't thought about that song in a long time.

    - The Pope Maybe in Rome

  16. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 3:20 PM

    What if Zuck lost his virginity before his wedding night?

  17. Posted by NakedShort | May 23, 2012 at 3:21 PM

    Its like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife

  18. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 3:33 PM

    what if god was one of us?

    -guy who misses 90's music

  19. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 3:35 PM

    Zucks should have dressed up in a Winklevoss disguise. They can charm the pants off anyone.

  20. Posted by Lil John | May 23, 2012 at 3:43 PM

    Whhat!! Yeeeahhh!

  21. Posted by jesus | May 23, 2012 at 3:44 PM

    you said it, man.

  22. Posted by merkin_capital | May 23, 2012 at 3:47 PM

    It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

    -FB S-1

  23. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 3:48 PM

    Puhlease! This is nothing to do with the guy in the hoodie and more to do with the schmucks in the Valentino suits.

  24. Posted by The Weeknd Analyst | May 23, 2012 at 3:48 PM

    Let’s not forget this guy was the first to give Facebook a buy rating in the $28 – $35 range. I guess Patcher thought Mark would be wearing sneakers then. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-05-04/facebook-rated-outperform-at-wedbush.html

  25. Posted by Weeknd Analyst | May 23, 2012 at 3:51 PM

    Let's not forget that Pachter was the first to give Facebook a buy rating after they announced an IPO range of $28 to $35. I guess he thought Mark would be wearing sneakers. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-05-04/facebook

  26. Posted by HungryIntern | May 23, 2012 at 3:56 PM

    I would rather work as a jizz mopper than receive career advice from Wedbush. Just saying…

  27. Posted by Fredly | May 23, 2012 at 3:56 PM

    What if Mark Zuckerberg had dressed in a complete Vineyard Vines ensemble and met with investors at the Penn Station Taco Bell?

  28. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 3:58 PM

    What if Mark Zuckerberg also had a bag of Skittles?

  29. Posted by EQ in Dallas | May 23, 2012 at 4:01 PM

    This guy is doing great considering the head of Industrials Research is a 24 four year old.

    -Director of Research, Wedbush Morgan

  30. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 4:06 PM

    I like to picture Mark Zuckerberg as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.

  31. Posted by Fluffer | May 23, 2012 at 4:06 PM

    "Jizz Mopper" doesn't sound so bad, actually.

  32. Posted by FKApmco | May 23, 2012 at 4:07 PM

    What if Mark Zuckerberg got in a really really bad fight and his leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for him in heaven?
    -B. Simpson

  33. Posted by yes / no | May 23, 2012 at 4:11 PM

    what if mongo only pawn in game of life?

  34. Posted by l2kj34 | May 23, 2012 at 4:12 PM

    So . . . it'll grow back then, eh?

    -British Officer, Zulu Wars

  35. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 4:18 PM

    Ellie Mae: Why yew warrin' that fancy suit, Jethro?
    Jethro: I jus come from the doctor, and he said I'm impotent. Well, If I'm impotent, then I'm gonna dress impotent!

  36. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 4:19 PM

    What if Zuckerberg had no thumbs?

  37. Posted by Deleveraging | May 23, 2012 at 4:20 PM

    Bloomberg reports FB looking to move listing to NYSE

  38. Posted by NakedShort | May 23, 2012 at 4:24 PM

    what if Zuckerburg had listed on the NYSE? Riddle me THAT!

  39. Posted by EnglishQuant | May 23, 2012 at 4:25 PM

    roll

  40. Posted by EnglishQuant | May 23, 2012 at 4:26 PM

    apparently also guy who also doesn't read threads thoroughly….

  41. Posted by CoronaAdvances | May 23, 2012 at 4:27 PM

    Marriage kills love Zuckerberg, don't forget this!

  42. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 4:40 PM

    Or is genuinely asking (without actually having heard that song before)

  43. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 4:42 PM

    I'll dress up as the gimp from pulp fiction so you know it's me

  44. Posted by Deleveraging | May 23, 2012 at 4:43 PM

    Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

  45. Posted by guest | May 23, 2012 at 4:46 PM

    nearly died laughing ahahahahaha

  46. Posted by Texashedge | May 23, 2012 at 3:04 PM

    "What if Mark Zuckerberg dressed up as Jesus Quintana for the Facebook roadshow?"

    Nah. All the eight year olds are using twitter.

  47. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 4:49 PM

    But the stock would be at 50. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

    - Quant who rolls on Shabbos

  48. Posted by brah | May 23, 2012 at 4:51 PM

    What if Zuck married a 0 on the binary scale?

  49. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 4:54 PM




    …IT'S LIKE RAAIIAAIIINNNNN ON YOUR WEDDING DAYYY, IT'S A FREEEE RIIIIIIDE, WHEN YOU ALREADY PAID…

  50. Posted by bilal | May 23, 2012 at 4:59 PM

    SPORIOUS CORRELATION :-P

  51. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 5:02 PM

    Waiting for that jackass to say something like, "MMMERRR…Alanis Morrissette singalongs??? THIS PLACE IS GOING TO CRAP!"

  52. Posted by PermaGuestII | May 23, 2012 at 5:02 PM

    I don't know but I'd laugh my ass off if that happened.

    -S. C. Hadenfreude

  53. Posted by PermaGuestII | May 23, 2012 at 5:03 PM

    He'd be a raccoon?

  54. Posted by PermaGuestII | May 23, 2012 at 5:06 PM

    Heavy retail demand from the Smith Barney branch in Massapequa Park.

  55. Posted by PermaGuestII | May 23, 2012 at 5:30 PM

    Asking us?? He really must have a problem.

  56. Posted by Mrs Zuck | May 23, 2012 at 5:35 PM

    Hey, don't rate me. It takes a special kind of woman to commit to boneing Rain Man for the rest of her life (or some legally credible length of time).

  57. Posted by gab | May 23, 2012 at 5:36 PM

    I'm pretty sure Zuckerberg is smart enough to know the old saying, "happy wife, happy life."

  58. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 5:48 PM

    And an iced tea…?

  59. Posted by Samir | May 23, 2012 at 6:01 PM

    Would be nice to have that kind of job security.

  60. Posted by Russian "Matchmaker" | May 23, 2012 at 7:09 PM

    Did you get a Green Card out of it?

  61. Posted by Guest | May 23, 2012 at 7:52 PM

    What if Zuckerberg wore a three piece hoodie outfit?

  62. Posted by Laxbro | May 24, 2012 at 1:15 AM

    If Zuck wore a lax pinnie his ipbro woulda been so chill.

  63. Posted by Golden_Boy1 | May 24, 2012 at 5:43 AM

    What if Zuck wrote puts on his own stock and proceeded to plow the company into the ground like a rich nerd plowing an innocent Chinese girl while pulling her hair?

  64. Posted by Golden_Boy1 | May 24, 2012 at 5:45 AM

    Stick to comics, moron.

  65. Posted by Bro | May 24, 2012 at 9:02 AM

    U messed that Ho, brah.

  66. Posted by iGuest | May 24, 2012 at 9:32 AM

    Bloo-bloo-bloo bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo. Yah-blah blee-blee-bleeye

  67. Posted by iGuest | May 24, 2012 at 9:39 AM

    Captain, you don’t say ‘creep, creep’ unless you’re quoting TLC.

    -Allen Gamble

  68. Posted by iGuest | May 24, 2012 at 9:43 AM

    Then he couldn't do "This guy" jokes?

    -Guy who hates "This guy" jokes

  69. Posted by Guest | May 24, 2012 at 9:56 AM

    Do you mean would said deity have bought at the IPO? That would have been a class action attorney's dream.

  70. Posted by Walter | May 24, 2012 at 11:18 AM

    That guy can roll, man. That guy can fuckin' roll.

  71. Posted by Guesteban | May 24, 2012 at 11:42 AM

    Except Larry Summers apparently.

  72. Posted by Hungry Hungry Hippo | May 24, 2012 at 1:06 PM

    Then I would polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser. Would you? It's a simple question. Would you eat Zuck's suit if it were made of cheese? What if it were made of spare ribs??

  73. Posted by Jane | May 24, 2012 at 2:34 PM

    Take down the Halloween picture of my son Keegan! He has ASS BURGERS!!!!!!!

    Jane — Lonely stay-at-home mom on more than enough prozac

  74. Posted by Finkle is Einhorn | May 24, 2012 at 3:13 PM

    What if Matt had written this article and nobody read past the jump?

  75. Posted by Han Solo | May 24, 2012 at 4:16 PM

    This IPO would have soared if Zuck wore a crotchless Chewbacca suit, and sat on stage on on a milk crate, while talking smack about Jim Gorman's mama.

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