Something you may or may not know about Cliff Asness is that by day, he is a hedge fund manager but by night he is the second coming of his hero, Captain America. Like the Captain, the AQR founder believes his duty is to defend America, only instead of fighting Axis Powers, Asness’s enemies are liberal Commie Socialists hell-bent on destroying this country. Because his shield has been in the shop for repairs for the past couple years, Cliff has been forced to use other weapons to pummel his foes, namely writing amazingly witty1 emails to his friends and colleagues about how much Obama et al suck. Most recently, Captain Asness circulated “Some Useful Definitions to Understand Our Modern Progressive World,” a little glossary of unalphabetized terms he put together sure to cut his adversaries deeply. (The Captain also helpfully pointed out in a footnote that many of the definitions were “written sarcastically as a faux left-winger, [while] some [are] just conservative/libertarian interpretations of what the left really means,” in case that was lost on his audience.) They include:

- The 1%
Definition: Those who pay more than 1/3 the total federal income tax and are never thanked for it. More generally, they are responsible for all evil in the world today (unless they work in Hollywood or hitech in which case they are “honorary 99%-ers” regardless of income, tax rate, and lifestyle).

Cash for Clunkers
Definition: What we came up to replace World War II as stimulus. Many perfectly good cars destroyed, no Nazis defeated.

Definition: A more extreme form of “entitlement” defined above. Note that modern usage throws out the long tradition of natural rights only of a negative nature, that is, the right not to have something done to you, for rights of a positive nature, that is, the right to certain goods and services, like health care, Apple products, and soy milk. Since, no matter how important these items are, these modern positive rights must still be produced and taken from others, essentially the word “rights” now often stands for a system of slavery and theft.2

Some Useful Definitions [PDF]

1Definition: …
2The fuck?

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Comments (67)

  1. Posted by guest | June 27, 2012 at 2:33 PM

    The 1%: the kind of milk a guy afraid of being called a fag for drinking skim buys.

  2. Posted by Guest | June 27, 2012 at 2:38 PM

    I would love to see Biff in a 2 v. 1 cage match with Paul Krugman and Robert Reich. No holds barred

  3. Posted by Grinders | June 27, 2012 at 2:38 PM

    DO NOT fuck with my soy milk, Asness!

  4. Posted by SoleEMio | June 27, 2012 at 2:40 PM

    Is cliff's ass still bleeding? Last time I looked when we were at the urinals it was – circa 2008.

  5. Posted by Guest | June 27, 2012 at 2:41 PM

    Bess' footnotes >> Matt's footnotes

  6. Posted by Guest | June 27, 2012 at 2:41 PM

    So soy is just completely out of bounds then?

  7. Posted by merkin_capital | June 27, 2012 at 2:45 PM

    We killed off Saab.

    -Guy who's ready for the olds to pass along that "Greatest Generation" title.

  8. Posted by Alt_EST | June 27, 2012 at 2:48 PM

    Some Useful Definitions
    A Hedge Fund Manager Has An Eight Page-Long Stroke

    Biff Basness

  9. Posted by FKApmco | June 27, 2012 at 2:50 PM

    Not if you are lactose intolerant but see above re fag.

  10. Posted by Guest | June 27, 2012 at 2:51 PM


  11. Posted by FKApmco | June 27, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    If we photoshopped dark hair onto Cliff's head and darkened his skin and beard, would he look like a Bonobo in Bonobos staring into the mist?

  12. Posted by More useful defs | June 27, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    O.P.P. – Other people's penis or pussy or, as I told my mom at the time so she would let me keep watching In Living Color, property

  13. Posted by VonSloneker | June 27, 2012 at 2:55 PM

    Ok, he's ready…punch Basness' ticket.

    – Admissions Director, Galt's Gulch

  14. Posted by antoinemerriweather | June 27, 2012 at 3:02 PM

    2 snaps up, in z formation!

  15. Posted by guest | June 27, 2012 at 3:03 PM

    You keep my Apple products out of this you fat prick!

    -the 99%

  16. Posted by Indubitably | June 27, 2012 at 3:28 PM

    This guy better watch it or he'll ruin the stellar reputation that billionaire hedge fund managers have these days

  17. Posted by guest | June 27, 2012 at 3:32 PM

    ^^^Vicious animal lies. Beth I thought you were better than this.

  18. Posted by guest | June 27, 2012 at 3:34 PM

    better than reporting exactly what he did?

  19. Posted by guest | June 27, 2012 at 3:36 PM

    you must be new here

  20. Posted by guest | June 27, 2012 at 3:38 PM

    Nope, I got the "vicious animal liar" reference, the "thought you were better than this" bit was just stupid.

  21. Posted by guest | June 27, 2012 at 3:54 PM

    Thanks, just when they were starting to look awesome again.

  22. Posted by JohnnyCanes | June 27, 2012 at 4:03 PM

    My favorite:
    Definition: Both a character once played by Marlon Brando and coincidentally the fictional character Al Gore pictures himself as. Nobody listened to Jor-El and look what happened! A fascinating additional coincidence is that when Brando was alive, Marlon and Al alone actually omitted (sic) ¼ of the USA’s greenhouse gases.

    Could we locate the assumptions for the ¼ calculation?

  23. Posted by Guest | June 27, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    How long did you think about that apostrophe placement before hitting submit?

  24. Posted by Guest | June 27, 2012 at 5:32 PM

    You can lose 11 lbs by switching from 1% to skim.

    – Former Fat Kid Quant

  25. Posted by Guest | June 27, 2012 at 5:34 PM

    Joakim Noah – See El Chupacabra

  26. Posted by The Guest Around | June 27, 2012 at 6:37 PM

    Cliff has footnotes in his title. I wonder if Matt can hear footsteps, because Cliff's coming for his crown.

  27. Posted by Guest | June 28, 2012 at 12:39 PM

    What if I cashed in a clunker BMW?

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