JPMorgan Flogging

Is It Polish Craps? Is It Ukrainian Blackjack?

Senator Bob Menendez: I listen to this [hearing] and I paraphrase Shakespeare when I ask, a hedge or not a hedge, that is the question.
Jamie Dimon: [staring]
Senator Bob Menendez: Anyway. When you reduce a hedge or hedge a hedge, isn’t that gambling?
Jamie Dimon: No.
Senator Bob Menendez: You said the hedge morphed. What did it morph into? Is it Russian Roulette?
Jamie Dimon: No…

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172 Responses to “Is It Polish Craps? Is It Ukrainian Blackjack?”

  1. guest says:

    Bob Menendez, the pride of NJ!

  2. guest says:

    In fairness, this line of questioning is more logical than 99% of what comes out of the rest of Congress's collective mouth.

  3. Fletcher says:

    Weight, 105? Ya… IN YOUR BRA.

    -Guy who appreciated the Liar Liar tag

  4. Guest says:

    Jamie Dimon: [staring and thinking "Are you smarter than a 3rd grader?"]

  5. JohnnyCanes says:

    Is it gardening? Is it blocking your neighbor's view? Is it blocking your view of your neighbor's daughter?

    • pazzo83 says:

      If it was, did you get it trimmed? Did you hire illegal immigrant labor to do so? Mr Dimon, are you on record supporting the proliferation of illegal immigration?

      – the non-sequitur "logic" of Congressional hearings

  6. JPM says:

    Senator Bob Menendez: soooo, Mr. Dimon, if that even is your REAL name… the facts of the case are undisputed… you blew up a whale.

  7. lolwut says:

    20 million.

    Billion?

    Million.

    Billion?

    Million, with an M.

    Billion?

    Ohhh Jaime, you sly cat.

    • Guest says:

      If Joke Briefer is available, I would request his services on the above….

      • just a guy says:

        Senator Johnson had a stroke. He now speaks, shall we say, differently. He was asking Jamie if there were firm position limits of $20M which Jamie is accused in the press of eliminating. Jamie repeatedly asked if he was saying $20M or $20B. In a $350B portfolio, $20 million position limits would lead to a lot of positions.

        – Not the joke briefer, a fan of his work, not sure there was a joke that needed briefing here

        • 2 cubes over says:

          Nice work.

          -guy who's also a fan of the joke briefer, but thinks the commetariat abuses his skills.

  8. pazzo83 says:

    Don't bring me into this shit, Menendez.

    – Hamlet

  9. Guest says:

    Hath not a Dimon eyes?

  10. Not Me says:

    Senator Bob Menendez: I listen to this [hearing] and I paraphrase Shakespeare when I ask, a hedge or not a hedge, that is the question.
    Jamie Dimon: [staring]
    Senator Bob Menendez: Anyway. When you reduce a hedge or hedge a hedge, isn’t that gambling?
    Jamie Dimon: No.
    Senator Bob Menendez: Is it Russian Roulette?
    Jamie Dimon: No…
    Senator Bob Menendez: Is it like jerking off in a porn theater and getting caught?
    Jamie Dimon: How the fuck did you get elected?

  11. Elaine Benes says:

    Wher'es Chris "Fatty McPhaterson" Christie" when we need him? He's the real pride of NJ

  12. Guest says:

    Mr Dimon,
    I have but one last question for you. Have you seen my stapler?

    -Senetor Bob Menendez

  13. William S. says:

    How can I stop idiots from paraphrasing me? Can we pass a law for that? oh, never mind. Or as you livings are saying: is there an app for that?

    -William Shakespeare

  14. HAM05 says:

    needs more maxine

  15. guest says:

    If they spent less time quoting Shakespeare and more time understanding how banks work, I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of shit.

    -Jamie Dimon thought

  16. Macro May says:

    Dimon: "Get the head of IT in here. I want him to un-block access to DealBreaker. We have to fight this battle on all fronts. I better see 200 thumbs up on a supportive post today! If that Judge Smails shit comment can get over 200 thumbs up, I know we can do better. Let everyone know."

  17. Truecrimewatcher says:

    Boy, you would think that he would not be so high on his horse and critical of someone after what he and his brother did to their parents. But on the other hand he is an orphan so gotta cut him some slack.

    • Guess the Movie says:

      Coming up next, we take you inside the office of the attorney for the Menendez Brothers

  18. Guest says:

    Menendez was easy on buddy Jon Corzine who ignored MF Globals risk controls and destroyed the company but tough on Dimon when his risk controls caught the problem (a bit late, but better late than never) and caused some lost earnings but the company survives.

    With bullshit like that no wonder it's the Garden State.

  19. Guest says:

    Uh, Mr. Dimon, I'm not quite sure how to say this… Kim 'Baasenger', 'Baysenger', 'Basenjer', 'Bay-singer'? But now, on to the cancer…

  20. Houston says:

    Texas would never have a senator this dumb.

  21. MF Account holda says:

    How you like dem apples !

  22. Abe_Froman_ says:

    Ukrainian blackjack is weak!

  23. Grinders says:

    Senator Bob Menendez: Sounds exotic. I'll take two.

  24. Masterpiece Theatre says:

    Mr. Dimon, can you define or give some idea to the committee of what exactly a billion dollars is? On behalf of my esteemed colleagues, I can honestly say that I cannot even fathom a number like that.

  25. Moby Dick says:

    et tu Jamie !?!?!?

  26. Marty m says:

    What's a matter smartass, you dont know any Hawthorne?

    -marky m

  27. Regular Guest says:

    Even Eva Mendes is brighter than Bob Mendes

  28. guestforce1 says:

    Dealbreaker average commenter is the new chris crocker.

  29. guestforce1 says:

    Well, there’s nothing like seeing Jamie Dimon swinging for the fences. Dimon has taken his defense and turned it into an offense, in both senses of the word.

    In Senate testimony, Dimon revealed his idea of “portfolio hedging” to be even more egregious than the harshest critics thought. Dimon presented the job of the CIO to be to make modest amounts of money in good times and to make a lot of money when there’s a crisis. (That does not appear to be narrowly true, since in the last couple of years, during which there was no crisis, the CIO’s staff were among the best paid in the bank and produced significant profits for the bank. That is a bald faced admission that the CIO’s mandate had nothing to do with hedging. A hedge is a position taken to mitigate losses on an underlying exposure should they occur. Instead, Dimon has admitted that the mission of the CIO is to place bets on tail risks that are unrelated to JP Morgan’s exposures. A massive, systemically destructive strategy like the Magnetar trade would fit perfectly within the CIO’s mandate.

    • Guest says:

      You do know that JPM is a bank, right? And that as a bank they have exposure to credit? Therefore a portfolio that produced significant revenue in adverse credit conditions would mitigate losses on their underlying exposure, thus neatly fitting into your definition of a hedge. I know – weird, right?

      • Ron Perry says:

        Stop texting me you right wing freak!
        Debating with gross halfwits like yourself is as counterproductive as explaining gay rights ti westboro baptist church member.

        • guestforce1 says:

          Thanks Ron(: this vernix covered troll trying to sound clever are nails of a blackboard.

      • guestforce1 says:

        Go away, you cockroach. you parasite's twisted logic and lies are just that. if you're gaining the system good for you but take us all for fools.

  30. guestforce1 says:

    A fish starts rotting at the head. The same is true in a country. If big organizations are not dealt with as a society you are in big trouble. Passing the line from a democracy into a corrupt facist state is easy and hard to undo so act now.

    Seems the problem starts with the sponsoring needed for a political campain. Result is politicians are owned by the sponsors. If that does not change the USA will go down the drain.

    • Otter says:

      Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female investors – we did.
      But you can't hold a whole bank responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole banking system? And if the whole banking system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our monetary institutions in general? I put it to you, Senator – isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!

      • Ross says:

        Ah yes, the 'behavior of a few' meme. here are a few more fore free on the house.
        1. we should not punish success.
        2. job creators.
        3.this is capitalism.

  31. guest says:

    Lomas Financial is a perfectly hedged financial institution: It looses money in every conceivable interest rate environment.

    – Michael Lewis

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