Unhappy in your current position and desperate to make a move? Completely content but looking for opportunities for professional growth? Today’s your lucky day. Patriarch Partners founder and CEO Lynn Tilton, she of Christmas cards, jello shots, whipped cream off her breasts, and “The number one lie people tell is ‘I won’t come in your mouth‘” fame is looking for a personal assistant. Think you’re up for the challenge? Here are the non-negotiable prerequisites and responsibilities you’ll face (emphasis ours):

Job Description:
Want to learn the private equity business from one of the most successful female business owners in the country? If so, Patriarch Partners may be just the ticket. Yale and Columbia Business School Graduate, Lynn Tilton owns the largest woman-owned business in the country and is seeking an Executive Assistant to work by her side as she endeavors to save American jobs by rescuing and turning around iconic American companies. Her current portfolio consists of 75 companies representing more than $8 billion of revenues including MD Helicopters, Rand McNally, Dura Automotive, Spiegel Catalogs and Stila Cosmetics.

Responsibilities will include, but are not limited to the following:

Manage Ms. Tilton’s business and personal life in the manner of a Congressional/Senatorial Chief of Staff
• Liaise with the portfolio company executives
• Manage Ms. Tilton’s travel and be available to travel at a moment’s notice
• Provide briefs on all meetings and handle follow-up from high level meetings
• Work closely with finance, credit, human resources and communications departments to make certain Ms. Tilton is knowledgeable at all times about the state of business at the holding company level
• Meet and greet all clients, guests and visitors in a warm & friendly manner
• Travel with Ms. Tilton and top executives making certain all meetings and activities run smoothly, efficiently and effectively
• Have working knowledge of all companies in Patriarch’s portfolio
• Be able to manage real estate properties owned by Ms. Tilton
• Provide back-up support to the Executive Assistant when necessary; run personal errands, personal shopping, and coordinate/interact with
household staff and vendors
Manage daily health and well being of Ms. Tilton
• Maintain discretion with confidential information and documents at all times

Qualifications:
• Bachelors Degree from top 10 college
Have a hands on, no job too big, no job too small sensibility
• Intelligent, warm and friendly personality with a positive attitude
and etiquette
• Excellent written, oral, and interpersonal skills
• High energy personality and healthy lifestyle belief system
• Extremely organized and proactive with impeccable attention to detail
• Professional appearance, polished and thick skinned
• Ability to stay calm under pressure
• Ability to work in a fast-paced, dynamic and collaborative
environment, flexible and adaptable to change
• Strong work ethic, self-directed with ability to multi-task and communicate effectively with individuals at all levels of the organization
Forward thinking always anticipating the needs and desires of Ms. Tilton
• A sense of humor
• Consummate computer skills: Outlook, Word, Excel, etc.
A “do whatever it takes” mentality

Related: This Is A Story About Lynn Tilton’s Employees Doing Jello Shots Off Her Rack
Also Related: Lynn Tilton Accused Of Physically, Verbally Assaulting Employees, ‘Barely Restraining’ Her Breasts
Also Related: Lynn Tilton: “There are three universal lies: Margins are weak, but we’ll make it up in volume; the check’s in the mail; and I won’t come in your mouth.”

202 comments (hidden for your protection)
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Comments (202)

  1. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 3:28 PM

    "Needs and desires of Lynn Tilton"

    Where should I submit my résumé?

    - Peter North

  2. Posted by im_new_here | June 18, 2012 at 3:28 PM

    Where's the "excellent oral skills" tag?

  3. Posted by Gym | June 18, 2012 at 3:29 PM

    "Excellent oral skills"

    seems about right.

  4. Posted by Pumba Pantalones | June 18, 2012 at 3:32 PM

    JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. THE COUCH DOESN'T FIT YOU. GET OVER IT. DON'T JUST SQUEEZE YOURSELF IN AND BREAK/BEND THE SUPPORT BEAMS.

    -LEH Quant, Hide-A-Bed Couch Portfolio

  5. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 3:33 PM

    "Ability to stay calm under pressure." Should have maybe added "ability to hold breath for extended periods"

  6. Posted by HAM05 | June 18, 2012 at 3:35 PM

    i don't see an 'apply here' link??

  7. Posted by merkin_capital | June 18, 2012 at 3:35 PM

    Thick skin? Guess I'm out.

    -Gentile

  8. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 3:37 PM

    Woof.

  9. Posted by FKApmco | June 18, 2012 at 3:38 PM

    Back off Hamster, the job is mine.

  10. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 3:38 PM

    Throw in a lame soundtrack and it sounds like half of the porn movies ever made. They can call it 50 shades of blond.

  11. Posted by Michael Grimes | June 18, 2012 at 3:40 PM

    I assume she left out the bullet point about choking?

  12. Posted by Indeed.com | June 18, 2012 at 3:43 PM

    Happy applying, but know that Bessie gets the 2 month vig when you land your new career: https://careers-patriarchpartners.icims.com/jobs/

  13. Posted by B2b MD | June 18, 2012 at 3:44 PM

    Doesn't say anything about playing motor boat?

    -Guy who would fire her search firm

  14. Posted by Special K | June 18, 2012 at 3:47 PM

    You Forgot to BOLD "interact with household staff"

  15. Posted by VonSloneker | June 18, 2012 at 3:58 PM

    Lynn creates a wonderful work atmosphere, with many opportunities to bond with co-workers. Honestly…prudish bunch of schoolgirls.

    - Caligula

  16. Posted by 2_Small_2_Bail | June 18, 2012 at 3:58 PM

    Here's your task list today:
    -Eat vag
    -Book flight
    -Eat Vag
    -Order Lunch
    -Eat Vag
    -DCF of RE lease
    -Get the sore on your face checked out

  17. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 3:59 PM

    Can Matt apply for this and do some on site reporting?

  18. Posted by Danker_Banker | June 18, 2012 at 4:01 PM

    W4M: 50-ish BBW seeking str8 SWM for B&D, S&M, W/S. IRL office assistant. You are VGL, W/E, DDF (420 ok). Text sexy pic and i will do same.

  19. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 4:02 PM

    When did Nina Hartley start a P/E company?

  20. Posted by Obvious quant | June 18, 2012 at 4:03 PM

    This chick is bonkers.

  21. Posted by Beer Goggles | June 18, 2012 at 4:14 PM

    No, yes, NO, YES, maybe

  22. Posted by Laxbro | June 18, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    For the sake of transparency, blacked out Laxbro would prob slam her. I bet she gives blowies like a God. Go ahead and thumbs down me — act as if you've never woken up next to some slob after a ten too many pops in Murray Hill.

  23. Posted by Im_a_Dude | June 18, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    nice picture collage Bess [Matt?]

  24. Posted by Kegels123 | June 18, 2012 at 4:18 PM

    Pretty sure there was an ad on here for this job 6 months or so ago – wonder how that assistant turned out

  25. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 4:20 PM

    No, No, Fuck no, no, no.

  26. Posted by curious | June 18, 2012 at 4:21 PM

    But is it an oversized clit or an undersized schlong?

  27. Posted by Im_a_Dude | June 18, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    that is one scary pic of her holding that knife trophy looking like shes about to stab someone somewhere.

  28. Posted by FKApmco | June 18, 2012 at 4:29 PM

    Shhhh. I'm going in undercover and will feed Matt data and pics so he can make charts and graphs and picture collages. That's a better matching of skill set to position/output/work product, right?

  29. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 4:29 PM

    Would consider doing it for a year as it's a fairly sure bet there'd be a 7-figure book deal immediately following. The Devil Wears Retarded Santa Lingerie or something.

  30. Posted by FKApmco | June 18, 2012 at 4:31 PM

    Yep but just like a train wreck, I have to keep looking

  31. Posted by John | June 18, 2012 at 4:35 PM

    For goodness sakes. How much did she have to pay the guy at the Sears photo shop to take these glamour shots?

  32. Posted by VonSloneker | June 18, 2012 at 4:42 PM

    Not cool mate

    - The Ghost of Michael Hutchence

  33. Posted by Dr Shaq | June 18, 2012 at 4:44 PM

    I don't have any of those prerequisites. But I do have a black snake in my trousers. I can start tomorrow.

  34. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 4:48 PM

    If Travolta's "pilot" can publish a book – you definately can from this job.

  35. Posted by HungryIntern | June 18, 2012 at 4:59 PM

    A "Bachelors Degree from (a) top 10 college" is this a typo?

  36. Posted by nope | June 18, 2012 at 5:01 PM

    I would rather jerk off with a fistful of bees.

  37. Posted by J. Corzine | June 18, 2012 at 5:04 PM

    I'd probably end up giving her aids if I took the job.

  38. Posted by guest | June 18, 2012 at 5:08 PM

    Never comment again. Please.

  39. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 5:13 PM

    I thought Dog The Bounty Hunter was canceled?

  40. Posted by Dr. Bob | June 18, 2012 at 5:20 PM

    Judging by the size of her man hands and feet I would guess she has a large penis.

  41. Posted by FKApmco | June 18, 2012 at 5:29 PM

    The working title of Matt and my book is The Devil Needs a Boob Job and a Muzzle

  42. Posted by gab | June 18, 2012 at 5:34 PM

    The knife isn't what scared me in that picture.

  43. Posted by BessLevin | June 18, 2012 at 5:38 PM

    Obviously that was the first thought here upon receiving the ad but our bubble was burst thinking about the ironclad NDA she'd probably have you sign before getting down to business.

  44. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 5:50 PM

    Mr. boss lady

  45. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 5:53 PM

    That is why this position is available…

  46. Posted by EQ in Dallas | June 18, 2012 at 5:54 PM

    Judging by lower left hand corner Pic, I'm going to anticipate that she needed/needs a bra like she needs oxygen.

    That being said, following the "Cinca y Cinca egualmente una diez" I'm going to have to anticipate her and her twin sister needing to probar mi chili, hmmmkay?

  47. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 5:54 PM

    Devil had a clown boob job and now never wears anything that isn't out of the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog.

  48. Posted by Darwin | June 18, 2012 at 6:07 PM

    Bravo

  49. Posted by Heidi Fleis | June 18, 2012 at 6:17 PM

    I forgot to mention..
    you must speak Greek,
    and into GFE

  50. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 6:23 PM

    7-figure book deals are given to people that will sell books. Who the hell cares about this billionaire wack job?

  51. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 6:36 PM

    I assume that Matt gets really excited thinking about an ironclad NDA – even if he won't admit it – so still a good day for him

  52. Posted by Dolly Parton | June 18, 2012 at 6:57 PM

    "It costs me a lot of money to look this cheap"

  53. Posted by Carpet Match Drapes? | June 18, 2012 at 8:38 PM

    ^

  54. Posted by wes | June 18, 2012 at 8:41 PM

    why is she even in finance, she should be a model

    -citadel quant

  55. Posted by ClimbingHerLadder | June 18, 2012 at 9:39 PM

    She's rich, right?

    Shit, fuck the job. I will marry her and be her bitch. I don't care.

    Wait, there is a prenup?

    Fuck that. I am out of here.

  56. Posted by Littlefinger | June 18, 2012 at 9:43 PM

    If this PE thing doesn't work out, I've got a job for LT at my place. Ros, you're fired.

  57. Posted by Guest | June 18, 2012 at 9:49 PM

    Is it just me or does she look like an ugly troll doll?

  58. Posted by guest | June 18, 2012 at 10:49 PM

    there is enough material in that post to keep the lights on at dealbreaker until at least 2014. there are like 50 good jokes to be had in that ad. jesus, does this woman not know she is on the dealbreaker all-star team?

  59. Posted by goodL1fe | June 18, 2012 at 11:26 PM

    " Provide briefs"

    What if I wear boxers?

  60. Posted by Steve Boy | June 19, 2012 at 2:31 AM

    I would be more worried about other iron clad apparatus she had lurking.

  61. Posted by tim | June 19, 2012 at 6:23 AM

    Hey!

    Bees

  62. Posted by Guest | June 19, 2012 at 7:08 AM

    "she gives blowies like a God"

    Freudian slip on the end, or just admitting you get blowies from dudes?

  63. Posted by Guest | June 19, 2012 at 9:51 AM

    She's a man baby!

  64. Posted by Laxbro | June 19, 2012 at 10:30 AM

    Or, are you just admitting that you don't know what a metaphor is?

  65. Posted by Stu | June 19, 2012 at 11:01 AM

    I will never be able to eat pancakes again.

    -guy who stared at the lower left picture a little too long.

  66. Posted by Saddlebags | June 19, 2012 at 11:19 AM

    Those tits never . . . wait, never mind. They got old a loooong time ago.

  67. Posted by Put_Option | June 19, 2012 at 11:28 AM

    Lower left looks like an egg hanging from a nail

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    <img src=http://www.mobilediscount.info/ikea/svi.jpg> I'll pass, but i wish her success…. <img src=http://www.mobilediscount.info/xbox/scl.jpg>

  70. Posted by guest | June 19, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    Ru Paul's long lost white sister….

  71. Posted by 10xLevered | June 21, 2012 at 4:50 PM

    Simile*

    -GP

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