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Think You Can Anticipate “The Needs And Desires” Of Lynn Tilton?

Unhappy in your current position and desperate to make a move? Completely content but looking for opportunities for professional growth? Today’s your lucky day. Patriarch Partners founder and CEO Lynn Tilton, she of Christmas cards, jello shots, whipped cream off her breasts, and “The number one lie people tell is ‘I won’t come in your mouth‘” fame is looking for a personal assistant. Think you’re up for the challenge? Here are the non-negotiable prerequisites and responsibilities you’ll face (emphasis ours):

Job Description:
Want to learn the private equity business from one of the most successful female business owners in the country? If so, Patriarch Partners may be just the ticket. Yale and Columbia Business School Graduate, Lynn Tilton owns the largest woman-owned business in the country and is seeking an Executive Assistant to work by her side as she endeavors to save American jobs by rescuing and turning around iconic American companies. Her current portfolio consists of 75 companies representing more than $8 billion of revenues including MD Helicopters, Rand McNally, Dura Automotive, Spiegel Catalogs and Stila Cosmetics.

Responsibilities will include, but are not limited to the following:

Manage Ms. Tilton’s business and personal life in the manner of a Congressional/Senatorial Chief of Staff
• Liaise with the portfolio company executives
• Manage Ms. Tilton’s travel and be available to travel at a moment’s notice
• Provide briefs on all meetings and handle follow-up from high level meetings
• Work closely with finance, credit, human resources and communications departments to make certain Ms. Tilton is knowledgeable at all times about the state of business at the holding company level
• Meet and greet all clients, guests and visitors in a warm & friendly manner
• Travel with Ms. Tilton and top executives making certain all meetings and activities run smoothly, efficiently and effectively
• Have working knowledge of all companies in Patriarch’s portfolio
• Be able to manage real estate properties owned by Ms. Tilton
• Provide back-up support to the Executive Assistant when necessary; run personal errands, personal shopping, and coordinate/interact with
household staff and vendors
Manage daily health and well being of Ms. Tilton
• Maintain discretion with confidential information and documents at all times

Qualifications:
• Bachelors Degree from top 10 college
Have a hands on, no job too big, no job too small sensibility
• Intelligent, warm and friendly personality with a positive attitude
and etiquette
• Excellent written, oral, and interpersonal skills
• High energy personality and healthy lifestyle belief system
• Extremely organized and proactive with impeccable attention to detail
• Professional appearance, polished and thick skinned
• Ability to stay calm under pressure
• Ability to work in a fast-paced, dynamic and collaborative
environment, flexible and adaptable to change
• Strong work ethic, self-directed with ability to multi-task and communicate effectively with individuals at all levels of the organization
Forward thinking always anticipating the needs and desires of Ms. Tilton
• A sense of humor
• Consummate computer skills: Outlook, Word, Excel, etc.
A “do whatever it takes” mentality

Related: This Is A Story About Lynn Tilton’s Employees Doing Jello Shots Off Her Rack
Also Related: Lynn Tilton Accused Of Physically, Verbally Assaulting Employees, ‘Barely Restraining’ Her Breasts
Also Related: Lynn Tilton: “There are three universal lies: Margins are weak, but we’ll make it up in volume; the check’s in the mail; and I won’t come in your mouth.”

202 comments
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202 Responses to “Think You Can Anticipate “The Needs And Desires” Of Lynn Tilton?”

  1. Guest says:

    "Needs and desires of Lynn Tilton"

    Where should I submit my résumé?

    – Peter North

  2. im_new_here says:

    Where's the "excellent oral skills" tag?

  3. Gym says:

    "Excellent oral skills"

    seems about right.

  4. Pumba Pantalones says:

    JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. THE COUCH DOESN'T FIT YOU. GET OVER IT. DON'T JUST SQUEEZE YOURSELF IN AND BREAK/BEND THE SUPPORT BEAMS.

    -LEH Quant, Hide-A-Bed Couch Portfolio

  5. Guest says:

    "Ability to stay calm under pressure." Should have maybe added "ability to hold breath for extended periods"

    • Dr Shaq says:

      I don't have any of those prerequisites. But I do have a black snake in my trousers. I can start tomorrow.

  6. HAM05 says:

    i don't see an 'apply here' link??

  7. merkin_capital says:

    Thick skin? Guess I'm out.

    -Gentile

  8. Guest says:

    Woof.

  9. Guest says:

    Throw in a lame soundtrack and it sounds like half of the porn movies ever made. They can call it 50 shades of blond.

  10. Michael Grimes says:

    I assume she left out the bullet point about choking?

  11. Indeed.com says:

    Happy applying, but know that Bessie gets the 2 month vig when you land your new career: https://careers-patriarchpartners.icims.com/jobs/

  12. B2b MD says:

    Doesn't say anything about playing motor boat?

    -Guy who would fire her search firm

  13. Special K says:

    You Forgot to BOLD "interact with household staff"

  14. VonSloneker says:

    Lynn creates a wonderful work atmosphere, with many opportunities to bond with co-workers. Honestly…prudish bunch of schoolgirls.

    – Caligula

  15. 2_Small_2_Bail says:

    Here's your task list today:
    -Eat vag
    -Book flight
    -Eat Vag
    -Order Lunch
    -Eat Vag
    -DCF of RE lease
    -Get the sore on your face checked out

  16. Guest says:

    Can Matt apply for this and do some on site reporting?

    • FKApmco says:

      Shhhh. I'm going in undercover and will feed Matt data and pics so he can make charts and graphs and picture collages. That's a better matching of skill set to position/output/work product, right?

  17. Danker_Banker says:

    W4M: 50-ish BBW seeking str8 SWM for B&D, S&M, W/S. IRL office assistant. You are VGL, W/E, DDF (420 ok). Text sexy pic and i will do same.

  18. Guest says:

    When did Nina Hartley start a P/E company?

  19. Obvious quant says:

    This chick is bonkers.

  20. Beer Goggles says:

    No, yes, NO, YES, maybe

  21. Laxbro says:

    For the sake of transparency, blacked out Laxbro would prob slam her. I bet she gives blowies like a God. Go ahead and thumbs down me — act as if you've never woken up next to some slob after a ten too many pops in Murray Hill.

  22. Im_a_Dude says:

    nice picture collage Bess [Matt?]

  23. Kegels123 says:

    Pretty sure there was an ad on here for this job 6 months or so ago – wonder how that assistant turned out

  24. Guest says:

    No, No, Fuck no, no, no.

  25. Im_a_Dude says:

    that is one scary pic of her holding that knife trophy looking like shes about to stab someone somewhere.

  26. Guest says:

    Would consider doing it for a year as it's a fairly sure bet there'd be a 7-figure book deal immediately following. The Devil Wears Retarded Santa Lingerie or something.

    • Guest says:

      If Travolta's "pilot" can publish a book – you definately can from this job.

    • FKApmco says:

      The working title of Matt and my book is The Devil Needs a Boob Job and a Muzzle

    • BessLevin says:

      Obviously that was the first thought here upon receiving the ad but our bubble was burst thinking about the ironclad NDA she'd probably have you sign before getting down to business.

      • Guest says:

        I assume that Matt gets really excited thinking about an ironclad NDA – even if he won't admit it – so still a good day for him

      • Steve Boy says:

        I would be more worried about other iron clad apparatus she had lurking.

    • Guest says:

      7-figure book deals are given to people that will sell books. Who the hell cares about this billionaire wack job?

  27. John says:

    For goodness sakes. How much did she have to pay the guy at the Sears photo shop to take these glamour shots?

  28. HungryIntern says:

    A "Bachelors Degree from (a) top 10 college" is this a typo?

  29. J. Corzine says:

    I'd probably end up giving her aids if I took the job.

  30. Guest says:

    I thought Dog The Bounty Hunter was canceled?

  31. Dr. Bob says:

    Judging by the size of her man hands and feet I would guess she has a large penis.

  32. EQ in Dallas says:

    Judging by lower left hand corner Pic, I'm going to anticipate that she needed/needs a bra like she needs oxygen.

    That being said, following the "Cinca y Cinca egualmente una diez" I'm going to have to anticipate her and her twin sister needing to probar mi chili, hmmmkay?

  33. Heidi Fleis says:

    I forgot to mention..
    you must speak Greek,
    and into GFE

  34. Dolly Parton says:

    "It costs me a lot of money to look this cheap"

  35. Carpet Match Drapes? says:

    ^

  36. wes says:

    why is she even in finance, she should be a model

    -citadel quant

  37. ClimbingHerLadder says:

    She's rich, right?

    Shit, fuck the job. I will marry her and be her bitch. I don't care.

    Wait, there is a prenup?

    Fuck that. I am out of here.

  38. Littlefinger says:

    If this PE thing doesn't work out, I've got a job for LT at my place. Ros, you're fired.

  39. Guest says:

    Is it just me or does she look like an ugly troll doll?

  40. guest says:

    there is enough material in that post to keep the lights on at dealbreaker until at least 2014. there are like 50 good jokes to be had in that ad. jesus, does this woman not know she is on the dealbreaker all-star team?

  41. goodL1fe says:

    " Provide briefs"

    What if I wear boxers?

  42. Guest says:

    She's a man baby!

  43. Stu says:

    I will never be able to eat pancakes again.

    -guy who stared at the lower left picture a little too long.

  44. Saddlebags says:

    Those tits never . . . wait, never mind. They got old a loooong time ago.

  45. Put_Option says:

    Lower left looks like an egg hanging from a nail

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    <img src=http://www.mobilediscount.info/ikea/svi.jpg> I'll pass, but i wish her success…. <img src=http://www.mobilediscount.info/xbox/scl.jpg>

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    Ru Paul's long lost white sister….

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