Are your pants getting a little tight? Have you become convinced mirrors have a personal vendetta against you? Are you too distracted by the rolls spilling over your belt to trade? Do you find yourself veering off course in your letters to investors to talk about your love handles? Is it only a matter of time before you lose your firm billions and/or take down the entire market because your fingers are so big they span four keys each on the keyboard?
Do you want to do something about it but are repulsed by the idea of healthy eating and exercise and also know yourself well enough to realize that there is no way you’re going to be able to stay strong if everyone around you is eating solid food at lunch and sooner or later you, a usually pretty mild-mannered guy, will be leaping across a row of Bloomberg terminals and threatening to kill a coworker (and meaning it) unless he hands over Ho Ho now? Then round up your similarly tubby colleagues and tell them they’re in for a real treat.
Eric Helms, who founded the four-year-old Cooler Cleanse company with the actress Salma Hayek, says office cleansers now make up 30 percent of his business, and in the last year he has hired three customer-service employees just to handle the details of them. He said there has been a “huge increase in popularity” of cleansing with co-workers in the last year, which he credits to juice diets being more mainstream. “Everyone knows someone who’s done one, and they realize they’re a lot easier to do with colleagues during the workweek,” he said. “People want to indulge” — not sip celery — “on weekends.”
Recent six-juice-a-day-dieters include employees at Merrill Lynch and the Carlyle Group, she said. In May, Citigroup began offering BluePrintCleanse in some of its Manhattan cafeterias, a spokeswoman said…About two-thirds of cleanse clients over all are women, but corporate cleanses “commonly skew toward men, especially traders, investment bankers and lawyers,” said Jina Wye, director of sales and marketing for BluePrintCleanse, founded in 2007 by two former Hudson Hotel bartenders looking to swap their poisons. (Mr. Helms said 90 percent of his male customers are part of groups.) Ms. Wye said: “These Type-A men have an all-or-none perspective. If they’re going to commit, they do it whole hog.” Most popular among male en masse cleansers: the Excavation cleanse, described on the Web site as “the most intense.”
Peter Alfano, a Citigroup vice president who took part in a three-day $210 BluePrintCleanse in April with colleagues, said he had been eating poorly for months and wanted to lose a few pounds. “I felt like I kept hearing about juice cleanses, and I thought, ‘I’ll try anything, let me see what this is all about,’ ” said Mr. Alfano, 37. Cleansing with colleagues appealed to him because of the moral support. “We would all hang out together at lunchtime, and we’d take our bottles to the park,” he said. “You can’t wait for it to end, but the feeling of accomplishment is amazing.”
And if you want to really crank things up a notch, sign everyone up for a group colonic after work on Friday. The sense of camaraderie cannot be beat.
Cleansing From Cubicle To Cubicle [NYT]
Related: I’m afraid I might tell her to buy a gun and just shoot me before the fat and the cellulite strike again.
Are Lehman brothers employees also doing this?
I bet Mr. Ready's rectum needed an Excavation after Barney Frank's honeymoon.
Did this have to get posted right as I got back with my Toasties RB King sandwhich?
is it making you self-conscious?
Have you been dropped on your head as a child? Do you store animals heads in the freezer so you don't feel alone? Well come on down – free Ho Ho's and DJ Freakazoid spinning in the parking lot!
Unrelated, but this is the cover story on bloomberg right now: "Urinating Tourists Drive Jersey Shore Town to Seek Curfew" http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-07-12/urinatin…
I…what?
The only problem I have with the Cleanse is that it turns farting into a personal game of roullette. And thats something you can't risk while wearing khaki Bonobos.
What aisle is the colon cleanse?
gross but true.
just ignore him, he's on day 3 of the Excavation.
"Peter Alfano, a Citigroup vice president who took part in a three-day $210 BluePrintCleanse in April with colleagues, said he had been eating poorly for months and wanted to lose a few pounds. “I felt like I kept hearing about juice cleanses, and I thought, ‘I’ll try anything, let me see what this is all about,’ ” said Mr. Alfano, 37. Cleansing with colleagues appealed to him because of the moral support. “We would all hang out together at lunchtime, and we’d take our bottles to the park,” he said. “You can’t wait for it to end, but the feeling of accomplishment is amazing.”"
Man up and say I’m fat.
did you think of that one in homeroom or at recess?
I am very, very, very, very glad I neither work on one of those desks nor need to use the same men's room…
Exactly my thought! What if all these guys have to hit the crapper at the same time? I've worked with people who would never take a shit at the office, but ride the elevator up 15 flights and use the toilet in another department.
It's for my wife…IT'S FOR MY WIFE!
"your fingers are so big they span four keys each on the keyboard"
go on…
-L. Tilton
and this is how it's done people.
- l. tilton jokes quant
because the typical street trading desk and bathroom is a sanitary sanctuary? Where do you work, Procter and Gamble treasury?
Thanks for copying and pasting this so I can read it again! Excellent contribution!
From: [redacted]
Sent: Tuesday, July 27, 2012 4:57 PM
To: Office-CT
Subject: The end of my rope.
Ten days ago I entered the bathroom at 6 pm at the end of the day to find a toilet full of your nasty BluePrintCleanse shit. I cleaned it and put spritzed some air freshener. Today I just went in the bathroom and again there is a toilet full of shit.
Let me make this clear. THERE IS A SIGN OVER THE TOILET FOR A REASON…..no one in this office is paid to be your personal janitor. If I catch anyone leaving shit in the toilet, you will be fired.
[redacted]
President and Chief Operating Officer
Undaunted I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the juice. I'm the man who can excavate faster than fuck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick. Everyone.
While I was doing your mom.
– Guy at recess
So what are we supposed to leave our shits in the trashcan? The sink?
Might I interest you in our new Scotchgard line of moderately priced shorts, pants, and socks? Enter EXCVTN at checkout to save 40%!
– Bonobos R&D
Have to check with Nell but I think the line goes, hold my dick.
Cleanses are the new eating challenges? Another sign of the death of Wall St…
What happened was we had just done a big show at the Forum. Me and Gary were out driving. We had been drinking pretty heavily and, well, we hit a kid. We got out to check on him and turns out he was dead. So we took off. Pretty fast. That's when I wrote Sweet Caroline.
“You can’t wait for it to end, but the feeling of accomplishment is amazing.”
This could be said about so many things…
and tough but fair.
(Yeah, I said it.)
Thank God Rajaratnum's locked up… Can you imagine what awfulness that guy could spawn with shit steroids?
GT… huh?
um, he would never forgo food.
$210 to cleanse your system? WTF?
buy a 64 oz bottle of Sunsweet prune juice for $4. drink it all before lunch and you're good to go before dinner. works like magic every time.
i know i sound as old as Geezer Oil Trader but i'm not.
Best prank would be to spike their Cleanse with Viagra and Extacy
Speaking of… where is that guy? Hopefully saving up all his material since he's been hired as DB guest writer.
http://www.google.com/products/catalog?rls=com.mi…
you're fat.
these drinks are horrible for you…look at nutrition labels, over 30g carb/sugar in most of these. might as well drink 6 cokes a day
A partner once thought it would be okay to engage me in conversation while he shit is brains out. Single most uncomfortable convo ever…
Sometimes when cuddle battling with a cold fox I'll pinch their (practically non-existant) love handles. No matter how pretty they are they always get really insecure about it and say something about how they haven't been doing yoga enough, or they just love ice cream in the summer. My re is always the same, "Babe, you're gorgeous, besides I like a girl with a little meat on her bones." The next time we go to dinner they always get like a salmon salad and they go to yoga a lot more. It's great.
Proud supporter of the Häagen-Dazs cleanse since 2006
i think GOT is more shoot from the hip than save up material.
last we heard, FKApmco was offering him her contact info. lucky bastard.
Taser
i'm happy you find Farmville so entertaining
So you're pledge brother doesn't punch you after you pinch him?
Is that before or after you change out of your mom's lingerie?
Of all the things you could possibly do, you borrowed the Delorean to post a poop email?
Since it's obvious you don't have a girlfriend, I'm gonna plow some slam tonight amd pretend it's your girl. Then I'm gonna make you buy us a round of brews.
24oz bottle of pure cranberry juice, not from concentrate. Cleans the weekend out.
When do you think you'll lose your virginity?
It's about time someone else on this site is into sleeping with 4 legged creatures.
– D. Kneale
…pretend it's a girl.
– Fixed it for you
I think you're getting confused with curing a yeast infection, but whatever floats your boat…
Man, you stink at this.
2 bottles of white burgundy….a pint of coffee the next morning..sorted.
12-pack of Harpoon IPA works pretty well, too.
Just get a colonoscopy, 100% covered by Obamacare
"Cleansing with colleagues appealed to him because of the moral support. “We would all hang out together at lunchtime, and we’d take our bottles to the park,” he said. “You can’t wait for it to end, but the feeling of accomplishment is amazing.”"
-Examining my motives
Hey, me too!
- Guy who works 15 floors below you
Please login through intensedebate so we can quantitatively show you how bad you are at posting here.
Thank you,
Not a fan of tanker_2_banker but approve of his log-in methods.
juice sucks, the fiber from fruit cuts the sugar and prevents it from spiking blood sugar. fools.
why have you not changed your DB handle?!
Anybody have an opinion about group flossing?
So dbag #1 is buying our drinks and dbag #2 is sending her flowers, from me. Instead of lobbing insults maybe you guys should take notes. I know it sucks your mom set you up for failure with the ladies when she made you play soccer past the age of 9 but it's not too late to cleanse some of the beta male weaknesses that women have been taking advantage of you for for your entire adult life. Charming assholes get chicks, period.
look you can be just like your crohns affected colleagues too..
happy trails!!!
Why bother with all that crap when you can try my new potion?
-Professor S. Klump
Lost it 30 times in hs and a 100 times in undergrad until girls stopped believing me.
I knew you read "Men are from mars"
So in your life, you've slept with one woman 130 times and she has Alzheimers or did it take you 130 times before you figured out what to do?
I don't think lucky means what you think it means.
Iiii KNOOOW!
-Elaine
sooner or later, you WILL be running.
whatever you do, don't just go for a run…
100/4 = 25
25/52 = 0.48
Bragging about getting laid once every two weeks = priceless.
please die.
thanks in advance,
everyone else
What kind of God allows Chumbawamba to break-up and leaves us with this butt pirate?
How do you lose your virginity 30 times?
you stick it in little more every time?
I'm confused, did some 14 year old hack this site to brag about his imaginary exploits? Please return to the yahoo chat room from whence you came.
Alternatively, perhaps we could have a "rename N'08's handle" Friday. I nominate "DoucheTool"
Lynn, just get the extra-large bottle. And you know where to shove it…
No we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20. And weigh that much.
I laughed.
I'm sure you did lose it 130 times……aaaand then you woke up…
So when exactly will you stop believing that your dreams are real? Oh, and when you tell all those "girls" this same thing to try and boost your self esteem in an attempt to de-pants them, do you ever wonder why they laugh at and don't believe you? I'll be waiting for one of your hilariously annoying and self-incriminating responses….no serious, keep at it….
Stevie: You want me to lose weight?
SAC Image Consultant 1: [laughing] No, I don't want you to lose weight!
SAC Image Consultant 2: No, uh, we can't legally ask you to do that.
SAC Image Consultant 1 : We didn't say lose weight… I might say tighten.
Stevie: Tight?
SAC Image Consultant 1 : Tighter.
SAC Image Consultant 2: Just liked toned and smaller.
SAC Image Consultant 1 : Don't make everything smaller, I don't wanna generalize that way… tighter.
SAC Image Consultant 2: We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less.
You act all innocent and shy and you blast Jack Johnson and certain Taylor Swift songs from your dorm so slams think you're sensative and shit. And you tell them you just haven't met the right girl yet. A lot of girls lost their virginity to a scumbag with a lot of knotches so they jump at the opp to take a good looking guy's. You're just exploiting that. Sometimes you just act like it slipped and you were embarrassed about it drinking at a house party and you activate the challenge part of their squirrel sized brain. It was light work up until age 20ish, when my rep and Facebook got in the way.
They are all so full of S–t in more ways than one! Gross,
You all are FUBAR
get a life you all are so full of s— the worlds worthless inhabitants……
that's why we're taking the cleanse…
-finance guys who jump on fad trends
You sound like quite the player and I've painted a pretty detailed picture of who you are. Let me know if this is close to the mark.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kfipl5BYBqo
weren't you touting your "charm" and your concern for reputation on opening bell and now your referring to girls as slams?? are you a lax bro or a charming, effeminate/debatably gay squash bro?
You don't play Madonna "Like a Virgin"? Seems more fitting.
"I know it sucks your mom set you up for failure with the ladies when she made you play soccer past the age of 9"
I laughed
how is this getting thumbs downed?
I get it.
– UBS Humor Quant
<img src="http://www.mynewcarquote.us/ikea/is.jpg"/>This article is misleading. First I thought it's about Bill Gross, then i realized it's not. <img src="http://www.mynewcarquote.us/xbox/vi.jpg"/>
He speaks truth. Has nothing to do with females and yeast infections. I would not go near a full 24oz. This is not cranberry juice with other fruits or water. Just. Cranberry. Juice. Be careful though. And it isn't cheap.