Picture this. You’re world-renown bank analyst Dick Bové, famous for, among other things, issuing a report in summer 2008 about which banks were “next” to fail, not rolling over and taking it when Citigroup tried to screw you good, and standing by Ken Lewis when literally no one else (including his board) would. When you walk into rooms, people notice. More often than not, they ask you to pose for pictures, kiss their babies, sign their tits. Some have fainted in your presence. You’re the fifth Beatle, Justin Bieber, and George Clooney, all wrapped into one devastating little package.  It should go without saying that an appearance by you at your local branch bank, to cash six-figure checks, as you often do, would be call for a red carpet and the crème de la crème of customer service, right? Apparently wrong.

The following is an accounting of Dick Bové’s experiences as Wells Fargo customer. (Originally he banked with Wachovia, which he had only good things to say about. Sadly, the same cannot be said for the degenerates he’s encountered at WFC.)

* “Dick Kovacevich, Wells retired CEO, felt strongly that customers should be greeted when they entered the branch and that the visit should be a positive experience. I can honestly state that no one ever greeted me when I entered my local branch. In fact, on one occassion, when I needed to speak with a platform person, I never got the opportunity. The bank officer made me wait a bit; came out of his office and entered the public bathroom; and left the bank.”

* “On a second occasion, I entered the branch with a low six figure check. I needed some information concerning more than one issue related to the deposit. After searching out an employee, I was told that he could not handle the transactions…It is interesting to note that no one at the branch suggested any investment to me but simply deposited the check. No one ever called me to indicate that there was over six figures sitting in a no interest checking account.”

* “What my Wells Fargo experience suggests is that a successful bank is one that keeps seeking new customers and selling them more products and not getting bogged down by offering service…My interaction with Wells has been an enlightening experience.”

Does Bové “rate banks based on one person’s anecdotal experience”? No, at this time he does not. If he did though, a bank–if you can call it that– named Wells Fargo would be up shit’s creek right about now. Because in the scenario in which DB did assign ratings based on his own interactions with management, WFC would have a giant red “U” across its chest, mostly for “unacceptable” but also for “umbrage, to take” and “unconscionable cocksuckers,” as well. Caution tape would be wrapped around its buildings which would have been condemned and the demolition crew would be showing up tomorrow at 9AM.

WFC Service [PDF]

27 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (27)

  1. Posted by Alt_EST | July 24, 2012 at 5:38 PM

    Six figures of deposit funding at zero percent is NKI

    -Guy Who Understands How Cost of Capital Works

  2. Posted by HungryIntern | July 24, 2012 at 5:52 PM

    I had the exact same issue when I came into the bank to deposit my daily earnings around 5:29pm.

    ~3rd & Market Panhandler

  3. Posted by she's rich | July 24, 2012 at 6:20 PM

    It's true. Mr. Bove's bonus for 2011 was $25.0001.

    – Rochdale 4th decimal quant

  4. Posted by Tenderloin Favorite | July 24, 2012 at 6:39 PM

    I deposited my daily earnings on the sidewalk in front of your condo this morning.

    ~6th & Market Panhandler

  5. Posted by _guest | July 24, 2012 at 7:00 PM

    There's nothing more helpful than a pimply faced teenager trying to cross sell me credit card insurance, interest only mortgages, or in-house mutual funds when I'm depositing my six figure paycheck.

  6. Posted by Brian Moynihan | July 24, 2012 at 7:12 PM

    Dick, please come over to the local BofA branch. I've got a 22 year old, series 7 licensed, community college graduate that would be happy to sell you some variable annuities or proprietary full load mutual funds.

  7. Posted by Brass Balled One | July 24, 2012 at 7:27 PM

    9 figure ATM receipt > 6 figure check.

  8. Posted by Guest | July 24, 2012 at 7:35 PM

    The zero duration on demand deposits fucking hurts though.

    – Your friendly neighborhood FIG banker

  9. Posted by merkin_capital | July 24, 2012 at 7:55 PM

    Don't be going around no bank. I take all my checks to Ace Cash Express.

    -M. Waters

  10. Posted by Yes I Said It | July 24, 2012 at 8:41 PM

    I guess all the Wells Fargo people now know why he's called Dick.

  11. Posted by UFO | July 24, 2012 at 9:43 PM

    And this is why crazy old men shouldn't be in positions of power.

  12. Posted by masterofuni | July 24, 2012 at 10:49 PM

    forgot to mention his upgrade of lehman the week they filed bankruptcy…

  13. Posted by buckafuck | July 24, 2012 at 11:33 PM

    i actually do agree wells fargo has customer service problems. for several occasions I got screwed for no particular reason and each time the bank either earn some float–i understand. thats what the banks do–or got slammed with a hefty fee. they are going to be profitable; for the short term, but eventually it will hurt their customer base. Of course they are now 40% of the agency mortgage origination, too big to fail.

    first occasion. I decided to pay down some of my HELOC loan. Walked into a branch, first got told can't do, second got complained that it was a too complicated operation, and then when i went home, found out the fund was deposited into mortgage instead of heloc account. of course the process of moving it into the HELOC account took days, and all the flow, interest goes to Wells Fargo. and I had to call them several times.

    second occasion. One month they decided to draw mortgage payments twice from my checking account. Since all my money are mostly in buying barclays' stocks especially the libor division, the second draw got bounced, once, twice, and three times, because Wells Fargo believes in keeping trying. Each time I get charged 35 bucks. in total lost 105 bucks because of their idiotic draw programs, and when i called to complained, I got to talk to half of the company's back office, middle office, and customer service. kept getting transferred. and then pretty much got told to HMD…huh… that somehow sounds eeriely familar. and of course.. when dust all settles down. Wells Fargo charges me 50 bucks for insufficient funds. talking about revenue opportunities.

  14. Posted by Linguistic Analyst | July 24, 2012 at 11:43 PM

    Next time ask if they have a credit or debit card where you can earn points that can be directly applied to ESL courses, best of luck with that.

  15. Posted by Guest | July 25, 2012 at 12:27 AM

    Did anyone sign his tits?

  16. Posted by merkin_capital | July 25, 2012 at 8:59 AM

    I am insane now.

  17. Posted by leeminbrahs | July 25, 2012 at 10:28 AM

    Give him glasses and a boater hat, and I swear he's John Hammond from Jurassic Park.

  18. Posted by fdfdfd | July 25, 2012 at 11:27 AM

    "No one ever called me to indicate that there was over six figures sitting in a no interest checking account.”

    people trust this guy with money?

  19. Posted by temporarily_rich | July 25, 2012 at 1:21 PM

    Wish I could roll back to Wachovia, too. Just sent a letter to Heid about terrible mortgage service breakdown. Won't do anymore business with this bunch. Too bad they were considered too big to fail.

  20. Posted by Guestest | July 25, 2012 at 4:49 PM

    Come to us instead. We'll sell you some CDO's we intend to short.
    – GS

  21. Posted by guest | July 25, 2012 at 4:51 PM

    "You’re the fifth Beatle, Justin Bieber, and George Clooney, all wrapped into one devastating little package. "

    Sadly, that is not what I wanted to hear with a name such as mine.

    – Dick Bove

  22. Posted by Sjm1981@gmail.com | July 25, 2012 at 6:01 PM

    TrustED him. Past tense bro.

  23. Posted by fuckabuck | July 25, 2012 at 10:49 PM

    dont need esl.. broken english didnt stop me from going boom or bust

  24. Posted by CRR | August 9, 2012 at 10:55 AM

    what state was this branch in

  25. Posted by bookmarking service | September 9, 2012 at 9:47 AM

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  26. Posted by bookmarking service | September 11, 2012 at 1:54 PM

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  27. Posted by Justin Bieber jocuri | August 20, 2013 at 5:49 PM

    I hate banks..they are all thiefs!