Jobless Claims In U.S. Decrease (Bloomberg)
Applications for jobless benefits decreased by 35,000 in the week ended July 21 to 353,000, Labor Department figures showed today. Economists forecast 380,000 claims, according to the median estimate in a Bloomberg News survey.
Big Bank Pioneer Now Seeks Breakup (WSJ)
“I am suggesting that they be broken up so that the taxpayer will never be at risk, the depositors won’t be at risk,” Sandy Weill said in a TV interview on CNBC yesterday. “Mistakes were made,” he added a few seconds later.
Chris Dodd: Sandy Weill Wrong, ‘Simplistic’ to Break Up Banks (CNBC)
The author of the historic and controversial Dodd-Frank financial legislation staked out different territory from Weill, arguing that “it’s not just the size of an institution,” but the amount of risk carried on its books. Dodd said that forcing all large banks to downsize was “too simplistic,” saying that Weill was wrong to call for an end to financial supermarkets. “Just breaking up the banks is not the solution,” he said.
Nomura CEO To Resign Over Insider Trading Scandal (WSJ)
Kenichi Watanabe, Nomura’s chief executive, and Takumi Shibata, its chief operating officer, are planning to relinquish their posts following admissions that Nomura salespeople allegedly gave information on share offerings to customers before it was public, a person familiar with their thinking said Thursday.
Billionaires’ Superyachts Anchor In Thames For Olympics (Bloomberg)
Octopus, the yacht owned by Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen, is moored at West India Dock, where the towers housing Barclays Plc and HSBC Holdings Plc reflect in its gleaming blue hull. Next to it is Westfield Group Chairman Frank Lowy’s white ship Ilona, with a red carpet leading to the gangplank and an Australian flag billowing from the stern. “We’ve seen some big boats here, but nothing of this magnitude,” said Derek Newell, an analyst at Lehman Brothers International, the remnants of the U.S. investment bank that’s in administration, as he pointed up to Allen’s vessel. “It’s like a small ferry.”
Central Banks Search Toolbox For Ideas As Growth Slows (Bloomberg)
Among the options up for consideration by the monetary authorities in addition to potentially doubling-down on previous policies: taking some of the credit risk of new lending onto their own balance sheets and forcing commercial banks to pay for parking cash in central banks’ coffers.
Fidelity Joins BlackRock In Weighing Libor Action Against Banks (Bloomberg)
Libor-related litigation “has the potential to be the biggest single set of cases coming out of the financial crisis because Libor is built into so many transactions and Libor is so central to so many contracts,” said John Coates, a professor of law and economics at Harvard Law School in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Perella To Settle Citigroup-Morgan Stanley Valuation Spat (NYP)
Citigroup and Morgan Stanley hired Perella Weinberg Partners to settle a dispute over how much their Morgan Stanley Smith Barney joint venture is worth. The two New York-based banks are asking Perella Weinberg to value a 14 percent stake that Citigroup plans to sell to Morgan Stanley. Morgan Stanley already controls 51 percent of the unit, with Citigroup holding the rest.
Draghi Says ECB Will Do What’s Needed To Preserve Euro (Bloomberg)
FYI.
11 year-old boy jets from England to Italy without passport, boarding pass (NYDN)
Liam Corcoran snuck through five security checks at Manchester Airport Tuesday afternoon by pretending to travel with other families, the Manchester Evening News reported.
Corcoran’s adventure began earlier Tuesday when he ran away from his mother during a shopping trip. He went straight to an airport about three miles away where he passed through security checks unnoticed and boarded a Jet2.com flight headed toward the Eternal City. Corcoran reportedly wasn’t asked to show a ticket stub to get on the Jet2 plane and the crew failed to take a headcount of the passengers, letting the boy slip through the cracks once again. The plane captain only became aware of the boy when other travelers became suspicious during the flight. Corcoran remained on the plane until it landed at Rome Fiumicino Airport, but the plane turned right back around to Manchester where the boy was reunited with his family Tuesday evening. “He was very talkative and seemed quite un-fazed by it all. He was just sat there chatting away about how he’d been trying to run away from home,” said passenger Sarah Swayne, who was on the returning flight, according to the Manchester Evening News.
Apparently Manchester Airport is the UBS of airports.
Nice dinghy.
"Hey, you scratched my anchor!"
There are the customer's yachts!
Nah. Bad analogy.
If it was the UBS of airports there wouldn't have been anybody to potentially stop the kid at all, due to their fucked up lay-off culture
I remember the days when customer's could only dream of parking their yachts anywhere near ours
-guy yearning for the mid 2000's again
Wow, I wonder if Paul Allen realizes that most of the events are already sold out?
“We’ve seen some big boats here, but nothing of this magnitude,” said Derek Newell, an analyst at Lehman Brothers International, the remnants of the U.S. investment bank that’s in administration, as he pointed up to Allen’s vessel. “It’s like a small ferry."
/NoHomo
The wandering apostrophe strikes again.
You sure you're not mistaking him for a Herbert Ainsworth?
– Roman Abramovich
This boat does not look symetric.
- UBS Geometry Quant
Big boat = small penis
Actually, big boat = small ferry, according to Lehman.
“We’ve seen some big boats here, but nothing of this magnitude,” said Derek Newell, an analyst at Lehman Brothers International, the remnants of the U.S. investment bank that’s in administration, as he pointed up to Allen’s vessel. “It’s like a small ferry."
Working where you are currently, the last thing I want to do is being on record saying something ridiculous. Hell, I wouldnt even want to be on the voting register
Alright here's the plan. We make paper airplanes and throw them at the yacht while wearing medical mask, while forming a human chain, while in a drum circle, while getting lectured by a local university professor on inequality, while complaining that people are leaving a mess and ruining the cause. You got that?
~ Non ranked equal, but voted to be speaker on behalf of the movement member of Occupy Canery Warf
SMALL ferry? Fuck you Derek.
-P. Allen
Pincus, call me. Bane bought a lot of puts for me too once.
- B. Wayne
“We’ve seen some big boats here, but they have all sailed or sunk now"
Lehman Brothers International
Nachos, lemon heads, my dad's boat, you wont go down 'cause my dick can float!
Before 9/11, Goldman interview #27 was getting dropped off at JFK and talking your way onto a flight to LAX without a ticket.
Now it's interview #63.
"Drinking 40s while cruising on the family boat, and making out with the babes." (11:30 p.m., 7/25/12)
-Paul Allen status update
Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
LAX sounds like a pretty chill airport.
Don't worry Hakuna, Rutgers isn't exactly a feeder school.
-Goldman HR
I hate you.
"i'm in an office next to a boat, motherfuckers!!"
Lehman analyst
Dude you have been on your game lately. Nice work
That boat is a friend of mine.
-Skipper Gasparino
Way to step down gracefully K. Watanabe.
- Seppuku quant, motives examined
Thanks, bro. Meet me at Minetta's tonight. Jump on my dick so I know it's you.
"Just got kicked off Paul Allen's yacht for trying to be a romantic."
N'08 Tweet
Agreed.
-Guy who has never been to LA
How did he get the Fisher account?
Oh yea, well I had sex with your wife!
jerking of while thinking about a woman is not the same as having sex with her
Can you be more specific?
-Goldman HR
Pretty sure Paul Allen was able to do that since the 80's.
It's seinfeld, dumbass
- Recently laid off UBS TV show quant
Not picking up on Seinfeld cultural influence are we now?
Have you seen my taser anywhere?
-Guy who deemed himself in charge of tasing guests who make unoriginal American Psycho references.
Bess or pmco, can you confirm that pretty much every girl has a wedding board on their pinterest? Last night I was texting girls before bed (because my girlfriend gets weird about texting in bed) and somehow the topic of marriage came up with this one girl. So I texted her, "What exactly do you bring to the table?" And she responded with a link to some humorous piece about "how to know who to marry" by 5 year olds or something. Anyways, I re, "I was expecting a link to you wedding board on pinterest." She stopped responding. I'm wondering if she thought I was creeping on her pinterest or something. Truth is I don't even know her last name, I was just using that joke because I thought every unmarried girl in their 20s has a wedding board. You think she thought I was googling her like a creep or something or you think she was just having sex with another guy and couldn't respond? TBH, I'd prefer the latter. I have this one trained pretty good so it was surprising that I didn't get a goodnight text or at least a sorry fell asleep (i.e. I was having sex, but possibly was thinking of you still) this morning.
Don't even get me started on my night
i didnt see that episode, i was in a coma
I want to eat your brains.
you are the worst
I'm not sure if this is an adequate substitute response but I can confirm that the vast majority of people who have interacted with you, regardless of gender, race, creed or ethnicity, want to punch you in the fucking face.
Yikes.
I don't have much up there, so it's really only an appetizer, or kind of a tapas sized portion, just FYI.
Most girls have a wedding board on their pinerest but most straight guys shouldn't know that.
-UBS Pop Culture/Social Media Quant
I hope you didn't have a DVR issue such as when a special was on before the show you recorded so the recording started late and therefore it didn't record the end of the show. The worst part of that is then your slam of the last dozen or so years mentions how that happens all the time to her shows because of football or basketball games and you try and explain how that is totally different but she just doesn't understand.
Eh.
relax, bro
That is far too cogent a remark to have come from a real UBS employee.
This story actually sounds authentic. Please aggressively drive some fast jet skis this weekend. I have something in store for you.
So how do you like living in Murray Hill?
Not to mention intelligible.
He sucks, but you bring sucking to a whole new level. Your new name is Dyson Oreck McFuckface.
Gotcha.
-Commenter formerly known as DVR Dude
Brains, I'm not eating yours.
-1 for being pussywhipped.
Imposter! the real N'08 doesn't use the term "girlfriend". It's either slam-piece, arm-piece, or broad.
Dad?
Dyson Oreck Mcfuckface II
Wild guess but I think the crowd might be just a bit to mature and grown up for his taste. Also probably not enough girls fresh out of college.
I prefer the term slam-pig.
You are gay.
Bramford?
Even if you're kidding, telling slam pieces you gotta go to hang with your girlfriend is a strong tactic so they know where we stand (……..and apparently some of those slam pieces stop responding to me so I know where we stand). It's baby games though. Girls are constantly testing you and praying for the "double text". But I don't reward bad behavior, I'll just chill with eager fillies. To be clear, once a text convo drops under the first page of recent conversations I kinda forget the slam exists.
Yes son? How's that internship on the outs trading desk going?
No he isn't, please never, ever say that again.
Something tells me you and I share a certain affinity for women who may not have what the world at large considers a "physical being" so to speak.
Last night I head out to play softball, it's an 8:15 start which totally fucks the rest of my night because usually I pass the fuck out around 9:30. The eternal slam and two little bros always show up to the games, but I like to head out early to warm the wing up.
I swing by the gas station before the game to pick up some seeds and a sugar free Red Bull. l took the Bull by the horns and CRUSHED it. Ripped open the seeds but the bag fucked me; half of them are now scattered in NakedShort's Party Mobile.
Cut to the top of the 7th we've got the game in the bag I'm 3-3 [Fiver up top, bros] but due to a slide into second the entire right side of my body is rawer than N'08's cock after watching season 2 of Xena: Warrior Princess. I'm amped because after this I am headed back to the pad to crush a sixer of frat sodas, catch up on MasterChef and let the suds heal my wounds. Im on deck and I heard the slam scream "OH MY GOD!" but not in the good way, ifyaknowwhatimsayin'. Little bros appear to be tip top but she bolts. I end up with a weak dribbler back to the pitcher to end the game.
I head over to the slam mosquito in her ear and the fucker wont budge. She's takin' the NS Party Mobile to Urgent Care; flips me her keys and tells me to bathe the bros and put them in bed. Bros bathed and in bed slam calls "They got it out; now what the fuck happened inside your car." I mumble something under my breath about the cocksuckers at David's not making bags that tear properly. Slam arrives home heads to bed; flip on the tube crack a frat soda and search for MasterChef; can't find it kinda freaking out yell to the slam "Wheres MasterChef?" Slam tells me had to be deleted to make room for Dance Moms and Watch What Happens Live. Slam then tells me its late and time for bed and Id better not be drinking. Dump the frat soda down the drain and head to the stabbin' cabin to pass out.
ps what the fuck is a pinterest?
Dyson Oreck McFuckface, take notes. That's how you do it.
My internship at the Outback Steakhouse has been the coming of age event that I have dreamed about since being a little McFuckface. I can handle 10 tables during the lunch rush without issue. I've even begun sending creepy texts to the 16 year old hostess. Ready or not world the McFuckfaces are prime time!
I'm going to be reviewing this for the rest of the day.If reviewing well liked DB comments doesn't add value for clients, well then I don't know what does.
You're married, therefore you don't have a slam you have a wife. Show some damn respect.
One of the best back and forths in recent comment history; hat tip to you both.
-Guy who LOL'd
Chutiya
It's an abbreviation for Principal + Interest.
-Head of North American Fixed Income Sales, UBS
"ps what the fuck is a pinterest?"
Yikes. You hear we landed on the moon?
Thank you kindly. Hopefully this endorsement will help me win my dream gig at Jefferies, the number one bank on Wall Street (as per today's second DB post).
Props for the Archer reference
I just checked it out. Looks like something my Mom would enjoy.
Enjoyed by a *lot* of moms and sorority girls. Current valuation: $2B
<img src="http://www.mynewcarquote.us/ikea/ics.jpg"/> THe social media officially busted today, or last night really.<img src="http://www.mynewcarquote.us/xbox/vzi.jpg"/>
BIG boat = drunken models, wild sex, and tons o' fun
I just hope he uses protection. The thought of N'08 procreating is too much to handle.
- Everyone
MS Banker?
Kettle, allow me to introduce you to pot
I didn't see that episode as I was too busy jerking it to Xena.
-Not N'08 nor a fan of his attempts at work
So what is the bid/offer on Shipchannel basis doing?
You're assuming he has sex with women.
As someone who got it, I lol'd.
I think that's what he was going for.
-UBS Finance Blog Humor Quant
Herbert Allen?
like a baby's arm
Assuming Matt Levine wouldn't get all up in my shit, I've got some "inside information" for you both.
Hey Laxbro, even when you're funny, you're still a dick. Sorry you couldn't make the hockey team.
under appreciated comment of the day