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UBS Broker May Have Taken Stress Of The Job Out On 70 Windows In Beverly Hills, Encino Using “Slingshot Projectiles”

This is his story.

The unlikely suspect in a string of window breakings in Beverly Hills — a 58-year-old Encino investment adviser — may be connected to 70 additional cases in the area, authorities said. Michael Steven Poret, a broker at UBS Financial Services, was arrested in Encino last week. Police say that Poret vandalized numerous businesses along Ventura Boulevard and several private homes in Beverly Hills. A witness account and private surveillance footage have depicted the vandal as a graying man in white gloves firing marbles at plate glass windows with a slingshot from the driver’s seat of his car, then driving away in no apparent hurry. Authorities believe that Poret could be connected to more than 20 vandalism incidents in Beverly Hills and more than 50 in Encino, as well as several other vandalism reports authorities have received in Van Nuys and Topanga Canyon.

The vandal appears to target businesses indiscriminately, hitting coffee shops, an autism treatment center and a salon. Luie Velasquez, a detective with the West Valley division of the Los Angeles Police Department, said the police’s top theory is that the suspect sought excitement. “Your guess is as good as mine,” Velasquez said. “For whatever reason, these individuals get some sort of thrill from smashing windows.” Poret was first arrested July 3 after a Beverly Hills patrol officer spotted a slingshot in his vehicle during a traffic stop for a vehicle code violation. A search of his vehicle revealed brass knuckles, knives and slingshot projectiles. Poret was arrested again Thursday in an early morning raid on his Encino home, where police discovered firearms, bb guns, slingshots and marbles similar to those used in the window-breakings.

A very understanding victim whose windows were hit three times and cost him $7,000 to repair had this to say: “I mean, I know that an investment bankers* are a little nuts. But you know, maybe the market is that bad. I don’t get that. He must be a very frustrated guy.”

Alleged window-smashing broker may be suspect in 70 more cases [LATimes via TRB]

*All together now: broker ≠ investment banker ≠ bank teller ≠ trader ≠ hedge fund general counsel ≠ person who works in HR at an investment bank.

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61 Responses to “UBS Broker May Have Taken Stress Of The Job Out On 70 Windows In Beverly Hills, Encino Using “Slingshot Projectiles””

  1. Guest says:

    Michael Steven Poret & Wollensky

  2. Guy with A.D.D. says:

    Mr. Poret probably doesn't live in a glass house

    -Captain Obvious

  3. Deleveraging says:

    Why couldn't he go rougue like someone normal in London?

  4. B2b MD says:

    love the "always with the three names" tag. Classic.

    -Guy who stays away from anyone with the middle name Ray

    • VonSloneker says:

      Shun me? You don't want me to demonstrate my "quart of blood" technique, do you?

      – B. Ray Valentine

  5. Pietro_F says:

    Talk about white glove delivery!

  6. contango says:

    I hear a large pallet of marbles and slingshots was just delivered to SocGen in midtown.

  7. Alt_EST says:

    This guy has really lost his marbles!

    -Knee Slapper

  8. Guest says:

    Dear Mr. Gorman,

    I think we have found the perfect person to head our North American fixed-income capital markets division.

    – MS Chief of Staff

  9. Guest says:

    After some disapointing quarters, that's the closer they can get to actually hitting some targets

  10. Bank Teller says:

    damn

  11. Sean says:

    Investment Banker and local neighborhood terror, Dennis the Menace could not be reached for comment.

  12. The Sword says:

    The dude clearly needs to get laid….a much more fun past time than smashing windows with marbles…..

  13. Put_Option says:

    $7k for windows? You could get a fresh Civic and a bumpin' system for that. Hell, you'd still have enough left over to cover my unintelligible–and therefore intelligent–bonus.

    – UBS Head of Retail Wealth Management North America

  14. 50 is the new 13. Wait 'till puberty really hits.

  15. Guest says:

    I don't think wrist rocket means what you think it means.

    -Gundlach

  16. Guest says:

    I've been to Encino and can completely understand why an Encino resident would be pissed off.

    – LA resident who doesn't always get NY geography references

  17. Guest says:

    Poret was arrested again Thursday in an early morning raid on his Encino home, where police discovered a 10' wooden trebuchet, fist sized rocks painted with "UBS Sucks" and various "Dealbreaker" paraphernalia from the eponymous website. "It looks like we got there just in time," said Detective Velasquez "he obviously had bigger plans."

  18. Guest says:

    There is a terrible Bastiat joke in here somewhere….

    • vp_md says:

      Prob explained himself nicely when caught but the cop interviewed confused "thrill" with "stimulus"

    • TheJokeBriefer says:

      I searched the archives of the Gag-u-tron 4000 servers here at Center for Applied Joke Research and found this:

      "Frederic Bastiat's brother, Ricky Ron Bastiat, was served summons to appear before a local magistrate in reference to a past due bill for a new window that a glazier replaced in Ricky Ron's capeau shop on Rue de Poulet.

      The judge asked why Bastiat had not yet paid the bill. Ricky Ron replied, "I did not have to do so…"

      "And why is that?" asked the judge.

      Ricky Ron began, "I would have been out of pocket money for the window but the clever glazier was selling me on the fact that the new window would be so efficient in managing sunlight produced warmth that it would pay for itself in a year!"

  19. HAM05 says:

    i'd love to get into topanga's canyon

    -corey matthews

  20. Guesto says:

    Is this the same guy that worked with Shia La Bouf for WSII?

    -Encino Creeper

  21. Marg Fueled Crazy says:

    "*All together now: broker ≠ investment banker ≠ bank teller ≠ trader ≠ hedge fund general counsel ≠ person who works in HR at an investment bank."

    Might want to add "former investment banker turned blogger and artistic chart maker" to that list, just saying.

    -Guy who is nervous about what Matt might be getting up to while he hasn't been posting these past few days.

    • guest says:

      The asterisk was re: actual job titles of people horrible publications like the Post [or the Times, or really anything but DB, Bloomberg, etc] have claimed were "investment bankers." While Matt should be referred to as a former banker, calling him a banker wouldn't be as nearly as egregious as the above, since he actually at one time was one.

  22. FKApmco says:

    A new employee starts on the line at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. After 30 minutes, the foreman comes to the manager's office to complain the new employee has backed up the line. The manager walks down to the new employee and sees she has a big bag of marbles and a roll of tape. As he watches, she picks up an Elmo and tapes 2 marbles between its legs. The manager says "no, no, no. I said give Elmo 2 test tickles"
    -Shecky Henson

  23. Guest says:

    Hell yeah! that's how we like our boys! Tough and caveman like so they wake up every morning ready to bite the ass of a bear on the trading floor!

    -UBS Human Resources

    • Caveman Lawyer says:

      I've already turned down the General Counsel position a half dozen times, please stop having that annoying recruiter call.

    • Been There Done That says:

      Or more appropriately "wake up every morning ready to bite off the bad side of any trade" … just sayin'

  24. Guest says:

    The information supplied in this article wasn't correct. He used his commemorative 150 year UBS watch to time each marble release from his anus.

  25. HM The Queen says:

    Anyone who wears white gloves is ok in my book. Also, a little wave from the back of the police car would be a nice touch.

  26. db7 says:

    UBS = Uber Ball Slingers

  27. Longnwrong says:

    The suspect has a son, who couldn't be reached for comment as he had been at a wedding and his cellphone was not charged…

  28. UBS HR says:

    We will be initiating disciplinary action by taking his UBS anniversary Swatch away.

    • UBS Diq says:

      I'm sorry, but he already shot your Swatch through the windshield of a car parked in Encino. If it is any token to you the Swatch was completely intact, but the the victim is keeping the watch.

  29. R'skog says:

    I take myself too seriously

  30. venter says:

    None of this is surprising, as a UBS employee he clearly cannot afford more normal avenues of venting frustration; i.e. gym membership, prostitutes, a therapist, or purchasing expensive material objects in an attempt to justify working a job that one does not care about

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