Bloomberg: Not One Bank CEO Can Fill Jamie Dimon’s Shoes, Especially Not That Guy From Australia Who Doesn’t Own An Iron

Earlier today, Bloomberg ran a lengthy piece about the latest crisis on Wall Street: a lack of Jamie Dimon. Specifically, a lack of Jamie Dimon telling meddlesome regulators, anti-industry populists, know-nothing Congressmen, and hypocrite bastard newspapers where they can go and what they can suck. True, it’s not as though he’s gone anywhere, and he’s still reminding people “it’s a free fucking country” but “juggling multiple investigations and a $5.8 billion trading loss on wrong-way bets on credit derivatives” has left his hands a little tied and, some believe, cost him his once untouchable “stature” in the industry.

And while one should never simply offer problems without solutions, Bloomberg isn’t gonna sugarcoat this one: when it comes to “any kind of credible statesmen” to step in for JD, Wall Street is shit out of luck and not just because no one besides Lloyd came close in sales of their respective Bankers At Work And Play pin-up calendars. Among current CEO’s, Lloyd Blankfein, Brian Moynihan and Vikram Pandit are deemed too busy “fixing their own firms or repairing their reputations,” while Wells Fargo chief John Stumpf, though respected among his peers, is ruled out due to geography (“Part of Jamie’s fitting into that role was his natural brashness as a Wall Streeter and New Yorker, and that is not John”).

But hey, what about that James Gorman guy? Runs Morgan Stanley, is based in New York, has been known to put a foot up an ass when necessary? Don’t even get Bloomberg started.

James Gorman, 54…doesn’t fit the Wall Street titan stereotype. The Australian prefers a rumpled tuxedo he bought as a business school student in 1980 to Armani for black- tie events, and he stocks Vegemite in the executive kitchen.

Or maybe perhaps all that makes him perfect for the gig? The way we see it, Jim Gorman doesn’t have the time or patience for fancy extras like unwrinkled suits and burgers made from foie gras-fed cows. All he cares about is not taking shit, or prisoners. Someone asks him, “What is this Vegemite stuff,” he knocks their two front teeth out. You suggest maybe he could have ironed his shirt before that gala, he takes out that iron and smashes you in the face with it. You want a worthy successor for the job, you’ve got him.

Wall Street Leaderless In Rules Fight As Dimon Diminished [Bloomberg]

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36 Responses to “Bloomberg: Not One Bank CEO Can Fill Jamie Dimon’s Shoes, Especially Not That Guy From Australia Who Doesn’t Own An Iron”

  1. Charlie Gasparino says:

    Bloomberg obviously does not know the same Jim Gorman I know..

  2. Dr. Gorvil says:

    Love the "maybe the two of us working together at full capacity could do the job of one Jamie Dimon" because that's just what I was thinking, perhaps I need a clone. Hopefully this will workout better than the frigging ill tempered bond trading Tilapia with pen knives on their heads.

  3. E. Texas Gas Trader says:

    My daddy always tole me that there is a "stature" of a Confederate soldier in just about every county seat in Deep East Texas.

  4. bandersnatch says:

    Gorman to WS CEOs: Harden the fuck up!

  5. guest says:

    First it's vegemite in the executive kitchen, then talk of Anzac day being observed…wallabies in the copy room. I'm gone for one year…

    – J Mack

  6. Lowly Assistant says:

    This Bloomberg guy is so fucking opinionated. Maybe focus more on your war against sodas and stop-and-frisk programs instead of getting on your soap-box and nit-picking possible Wall St. spokespersons. I'm sick of this guy.

    -LEH Quant

  7. Saville Row says:

    Booby Geezer has time on his hands and has a proven track record for novel methods of increasing bank ROI

  8. The Sword says:

    Gorman??? Jimmy to the G? Are you serious, Bess????!!!!

    The guy is an overpaid, under-performing CEO who can't even handle a friggin IPO….LOSER!

  9. Guest says:

    I can't get behind the guy with the whole Vegemite thing going on, but if he switched to Nutella I could reconsider

    – Monti

  10. Gordo says:

    No Australian can live abroad without Vegemite, we're weened on it since birth

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