“And I want you to know the London Whale issue is dead,” Jamie Dimon recently told a bunch of school children. “The Whale has been harpooned. Dessicated. Cremated…I am going to bury its ashes all over.” [NYM]

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Comments (41)

  1. Posted by Im_a_Dude | August 13, 2012 at 3:46 PM

    use the blubber for lamp oil

  2. Posted by Guest | August 13, 2012 at 3:46 PM

    Jamie, you should have taken them to The Far Corners of the Earth.
    Other than that, I have no concerns.

    – Hercules

  3. Posted by Guest | August 13, 2012 at 3:46 PM

    (Second-year Marine Biology major bursts out in tears, runs from the room with eyes streaming)

  4. Posted by c weathers | August 13, 2012 at 3:51 PM

    Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.

  5. Posted by Alt_EST | August 13, 2012 at 3:53 PM

    Fuckin' show-off….

    -Capt. Ahab

  6. Posted by PermaGuestII | August 13, 2012 at 3:55 PM

    What in hell?!?

    C. Tuse, President
    Save the Whales
    Seaside, CA

  7. Posted by Chick Fil A | August 13, 2012 at 3:59 PM

    Yeah, well, eat the Welsh.

  8. Posted by Nomura Whaling Quant | August 13, 2012 at 4:00 PM

    Jamie-san, I'll make sure you never have any whale problems again, get at me bro!

  9. Posted by Sean | August 13, 2012 at 4:01 PM

    Whale Wars just got more interesting.

  10. Posted by Guest | August 13, 2012 at 4:03 PM

    MBA > Chick Fil A

  11. Posted by Greenpeace | August 13, 2012 at 4:08 PM

    Save the whales!

  12. Posted by E. Cartman | August 13, 2012 at 4:08 PM

    Pa-Pa-Pa-Poker Face Pa-Pa-Poker Face


  13. Posted by Nick Lachey | August 13, 2012 at 4:11 PM

    I'd hate to see what he'd do to Llama Llama Red Pajama!

  14. Posted by Guest | August 13, 2012 at 4:16 PM

    He then continued, "I'll kill a snitch. Not saying I have. Not saying I haven't…Whatever, you kids don't know shit."

  15. Posted by guest | August 13, 2012 at 4:21 PM

    And by "Harpooned. Dessicated. Cremated," I mean, "allowed to resign quietly with a nice severance package and a good reference."

  16. Posted by Record Keeper | August 13, 2012 at 4:22 PM

    Worst comment in a week.

  17. Posted by guest | August 13, 2012 at 4:32 PM

    show and tell has gotten a lot more interesting since i was a kid.

  18. Posted by Shamu | August 13, 2012 at 4:32 PM

    WTF? That does it. I'm outta here.

  19. Posted by Tommy Lee | August 13, 2012 at 4:42 PM

    Not cool, dude.

  20. Posted by Guest | August 13, 2012 at 4:44 PM

    Stay out of it, Nick Lachey

  21. Posted by Guest | August 13, 2012 at 4:47 PM

    Fuck the whales! Save the krill!

  22. Posted by Coglioni | August 13, 2012 at 4:50 PM

    And by "a bunch of school children," I mean, "the House Financial Services Committee."

  23. Posted by investorcluzo | August 13, 2012 at 4:51 PM

    *sob, sob* but I thought they FREED Willy, now you're saying he's dead?
    -J. J. Richter, former actor, current intern, JPMorganChaseManhattanManufacturersHanover

  24. Posted by 2_Small_2_Bail | August 13, 2012 at 4:53 PM

    Oh you want proof? It was too graphic…but trust me on this one…it happened.

    -J. Dimon
    Seal Team 6

  25. Posted by Guest Guest | August 13, 2012 at 4:55 PM

    Reporter: Yeah.
    Jamie: Yeah.
    Reporter: Who's this?
    Jamie: This is Jamie.
    Reporter: Jamie, what happened?
    Jamie: Well we-…
    Reporter: You get it straightened out?
    Jamie: No, we had a problem… and uh, we tried to do everything we could.
    Reporter: What d'you mean?
    Jamie: Well, you what I mean. He's gone, and we couldn't do nothing about it.
    Jamie: That's it.
    Reporter: What d'you mean? What d'you mean? Uh…
    Jamie: He's gone. Uh, he's gone.
    Jamie: And that's it.

  26. Posted by Guest | August 13, 2012 at 5:08 PM

    How about $350mm?

    UBS Dolphin

  27. Posted by JPMoney | August 13, 2012 at 5:14 PM

    1. Post multi billion dollar loss
    2. Fire the whale
    3. Make a few whale jokes
    5. Profit


  28. Posted by pazzo83 | August 13, 2012 at 5:20 PM

    For JPM, more like:

    1. Post multi-billion dollar loss
    2. Realize you have > $2tr in assets
    3. Profit

  29. Posted by Sid Vicious | August 13, 2012 at 5:22 PM

    *3. Laugh at media shitstorm while drinking vodka late night in the office
    4. Profit

  30. Posted by Guest | August 13, 2012 at 5:25 PM

    I'm still here you shlimazel!

    S. Weill

  31. Posted by Chemical Bank Fan | August 13, 2012 at 6:16 PM

    Hey, you forgot an institution!

  32. Posted by Coupon clipper | August 13, 2012 at 6:17 PM


  33. Posted by gab | August 13, 2012 at 6:19 PM

    So I'm reading the article, and I'm wondering, what kind of school children would kow or care about the London whate, and I see that "school children = JPM summer interns"

    And now I see this whole thing is merely Bess's way of commenting on JP Morgan's hiring policies.

    Well played Bess.

  34. Posted by gab | August 13, 2012 at 6:21 PM

    kow = know

  35. Posted by Llama Llama | August 13, 2012 at 6:57 PM

    He asked me if I was old enough to know what a prostate massage was, but dumb enough to keep my fucking mouth shut.

  36. Posted by 25th Hour Trader | August 13, 2012 at 7:57 PM

    "And I want you to know the London Whale issue is dead"

    Forgive me for not taking his word for it. Remember this is the guy who said this issue was "a tempest in a teapot" before it blew up.

    -Trader who freely admits he doesn't trust anyone (except his PaineWebber advisor).

  37. Posted by ronaldus magnus | August 13, 2012 at 9:02 PM

    Awesome line at the end of that article. Free. Fucking. Country.

  38. Posted by Guest | August 13, 2012 at 9:33 PM


  39. Posted by guest | August 13, 2012 at 11:28 PM

    the interns are in college which another word for is…

  40. Posted by HRH Lizzie II | August 14, 2012 at 8:09 AM

    I hope Jamie realises that any dead whales which wash up on British sovereign shores belong to one, so hands off!

  41. Posted by PermaGuestII | August 14, 2012 at 10:14 AM

    Stop whining.

    -First Chicago NBD