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If You Work At JPMorgan And Are Thinking About Losing A Few Billion, Take Note

“And I want you to know the London Whale issue is dead,” Jamie Dimon recently told a bunch of school children. “The Whale has been harpooned. Dessicated. Cremated…I am going to bury its ashes all over.” [NYM]

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41 Responses to “If You Work At JPMorgan And Are Thinking About Losing A Few Billion, Take Note”

  1. Im_a_Dude says:

    use the blubber for lamp oil

    • c weathers says:

      Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.

    • HRH Lizzie II says:

      I hope Jamie realises that any dead whales which wash up on British sovereign shores belong to one, so hands off!

  2. Guest says:

    Jamie, you should have taken them to The Far Corners of the Earth.
    Other than that, I have no concerns.

    – Hercules

  3. Guest says:

    (Second-year Marine Biology major bursts out in tears, runs from the room with eyes streaming)

  4. Alt_EST says:

    Fuckin' show-off….

    -Capt. Ahab

  5. PermaGuestII says:

    What in hell?!?

    C. Tuse, President
    Save the Whales
    Seaside, CA

  6. Chick Fil A says:

    Yeah, well, eat the Welsh.

  7. Nomura Whaling Quant says:

    Jamie-san, I'll make sure you never have any whale problems again, get at me bro!

  8. Sean says:

    Whale Wars just got more interesting.

  9. Greenpeace says:

    Save the whales!

  10. Nick Lachey says:

    I'd hate to see what he'd do to Llama Llama Red Pajama!

  11. Guest says:

    He then continued, "I'll kill a snitch. Not saying I have. Not saying I haven't…Whatever, you kids don't know shit."

  12. guest says:

    And by "Harpooned. Dessicated. Cremated," I mean, "allowed to resign quietly with a nice severance package and a good reference."

    • Coglioni says:

      And by "a bunch of school children," I mean, "the House Financial Services Committee."

    • 2_Small_2_Bail says:

      Oh you want proof? It was too graphic…but trust me on this one…it happened.

      -J. Dimon
      Seal Team 6

  13. guest says:

    show and tell has gotten a lot more interesting since i was a kid.

  14. Shamu says:

    WTF? That does it. I'm outta here.

  15. Tommy Lee says:

    Not cool, dude.

  16. investorcluzo says:

    *sob, sob* but I thought they FREED Willy, now you're saying he's dead?
    -J. J. Richter, former actor, current intern, JPMorganChaseManhattanManufacturersHanover

  17. Guest Guest says:

    Reporter: Yeah.
    Jamie: Yeah.
    Reporter: Who's this?
    Jamie: This is Jamie.
    Reporter: Jamie, what happened?
    Jamie: Well we-…
    Reporter: You get it straightened out?
    Jamie: No, we had a problem… and uh, we tried to do everything we could.
    Reporter: What d'you mean?
    Jamie: Well, you what I mean. He's gone, and we couldn't do nothing about it.
    [pause]
    Jamie: That's it.
    Reporter: What d'you mean? What d'you mean? Uh…
    Jamie: He's gone. Uh, he's gone.
    [pause]
    Jamie: And that's it.

  18. Guest says:

    How about $350mm?

    UBS Dolphin

  19. JPMoney says:

    1. Post multi billion dollar loss
    2. Fire the whale
    3. Make a few whale jokes
    4.????
    5. Profit

    -JD

    • pazzo83 says:

      For JPM, more like:

      1. Post multi-billion dollar loss
      2. Realize you have > $2tr in assets
      3. Profit

  20. Guest says:

    I'm still here you shlimazel!

    S. Weill

  21. Coupon clipper says:

    Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

  22. gab says:

    So I'm reading the article, and I'm wondering, what kind of school children would kow or care about the London whate, and I see that "school children = JPM summer interns"

    And now I see this whole thing is merely Bess's way of commenting on JP Morgan's hiring policies.

    Well played Bess.

  23. 25th Hour Trader says:

    "And I want you to know the London Whale issue is dead"

    Forgive me for not taking his word for it. Remember this is the guy who said this issue was "a tempest in a teapot" before it blew up.

    -Trader who freely admits he doesn't trust anyone (except his PaineWebber advisor).

  24. ronaldus magnus says:

    Awesome line at the end of that article. Free. Fucking. Country.

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