Who Wants To Help Jon Corzine Launch A Hedge Fund?

According to Dealbook, the big guy is merely “weighing” whether or not he wants to start one but it seems more than a little obvious this thing is happening. He’s got the office space, the passion, and the tattoo on his ass that reads “Each time a door closes, a bigger, more fucking awesome one opens.” Mornings at home with Maury followed by early afternoons with his Soaps were fun for a while but it’s not the life for him. He needs a desk and a purpose and that purpose is making you big money. All you have to give him is a little something called “2 and 20.” (3 and 50 if you really want to show your support.) Is that so much to ask? Hank Paulson, can he count on you for $100 million to start? Make it 250mm and the whole pushing him out of Goldman and driving a stake through his heart incident is forgotten. Get in on the ground floor.

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Comments (61)

  1. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 11:51 AM

    Get in at the ground floor, leave from the basement.

  2. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 11:56 AM

    PLEASE! Someone, anyone!

    -East Hampton HOBO Watch

  3. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:01 PM

    What a fucking joke.

    - Common Sense

  4. Posted by Mexi_Cant | August 16, 2012 at 12:01 PM

    People take this lead by example thing a bit too far.

    -J. Meriwether

  5. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:02 PM

    What's the minimum for a managed account? Sike, just kidding.

  6. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:05 PM

    Is this an inverse Hedge Fund?

  7. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:09 PM

    It's more of a Sledge Fund.

  8. Posted by Art Bitrage | August 16, 2012 at 12:16 PM

    Im available…

    -Whale

  9. Posted by Guy with A.D.D. | August 16, 2012 at 12:17 PM

    Sorry, cant do it, I'm tied up with something else right now

    - Eddie Sonderling

  10. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:18 PM

    It's a loss-generating investment fund by design that would offset any taxes liable from your other profitable investments.

    - UBS Private Wealth MD

  11. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:19 PM

    When do the funny comments starting?

  12. Posted by Laid Off Trader | August 16, 2012 at 12:21 PM

    It's easy to raise some capital these days. For instance, you go to the plasma center and spend about 3 hours answering a bunch of questions about your sex life (commercial and private), body art, and foreign travel activity. Then they give you a screening physical, make you prove you can read English, ask about recent dietary experiences and another round of sex life questions. Then you get screened again and asked about your sex life and take a test on HIV and places in Africa you may have been to. They look up your nose with the thing that is used to look in your ears. You have to pee in a cup. If everything checks out, they ask your full name a few more times, the last 4 digits of your "social", make you sign a document that you know all about HIV and you've never been to some places in Africa. Soon you are led to a comfy recliner chair and an almost painless needle/IV is inserted into the vein of your choice. In about an hour, your plasma is separated from your blood cells and the blood cells are returned to you intravenously at almost the same time. It doesn't hurt. You give an amount based on your weight; in my case about the volume size of a lite beer tallboy. You get up, go to the window and get $60.00 on your first visit. After that you get $20.00 on the first weekly visit and $40.00 on the second. You get a $10.00 bonus in the 3rd week of the month! I am trying to figure out how to go ahead an monetize 5 years of bi-weekly donations new and then sell the plasma center "no show" insurance if I want to chillax for a while.

  13. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:29 PM

    Is Corzine trying to raise capital from the 'Make a Wish' foundation or what?

  14. Posted by guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:32 PM

    Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

    Satan Capital Partners

  15. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:36 PM

    Be better than this

  16. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:41 PM

    1. Use your own capital to start a hedge fund.
    2. Raise a couple of $ of external capital. Make sure you don't get diluted.
    3. ???
    4. End the year with about $1bn in AUM. Most of it from return on investments…

  17. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:44 PM

    Stop posting follow ups, the first joke was bad enough

  18. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:46 PM

    Bess please start the name jon's hedge fund thread.

    Thanks

    Phil

  19. Posted by Marco from Tropoja | August 16, 2012 at 12:46 PM

    Good luck.

  20. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:48 PM

    Wall Street III: Money takes a pre-afternoon nap

  21. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:49 PM

    There is one on zerohedge and even I think it's terrible

    UBS Joke Quant

  22. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    The fundraising guy who has to take this story on the road was probably a pederast or something in a prior life.

  23. Posted by guest | August 16, 2012 at 1:07 PM

    I'll give him $50m just to shave his head.

  24. Posted by Ping Capital Trader | August 16, 2012 at 1:23 PM

    I don't even want to imagine what I did then.

  25. Posted by J. Meriwether | August 16, 2012 at 1:40 PM

    Jon – call me. Have some pointers for you.

  26. Posted by guest | August 16, 2012 at 1:42 PM

    We'll take 3.

    -UBS

  27. Posted by DB Wealth Mgmt | August 16, 2012 at 1:43 PM

    Wait – there are profitable investments?

  28. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 1:44 PM

    Does that pointer have something to do with 2 rabbits screwing? Just wondering……..

  29. Posted by Brian Hunter | August 16, 2012 at 1:44 PM

    I've got some availability – LMK.

  30. Posted by RIP Old Lane | August 16, 2012 at 1:53 PM

    You should have gone for bank CEO while you had the chance!

    - Vikram

  31. Posted by David Tepper | August 16, 2012 at 1:56 PM

    Ha ha – your wife says to tell you – how you like her now!

  32. Posted by HungryIntern | August 16, 2012 at 2:11 PM

    I have never wished anyone ass caner as much as this ass clown.

    ~Nothing to add, just highly amused by his arrogance

  33. Posted by guest | August 16, 2012 at 2:22 PM

    Hey !

    Absolute Value Return fund

  34. Posted by Im_a_Dude | August 16, 2012 at 2:24 PM

    "diluted" on your hedge fund?
    i hope you learn more in your sophomore year at Boro of Manhattan Community college than you did in freshman

  35. Posted by LL Cool J | August 16, 2012 at 2:25 PM

    Don't call it a comeback…

  36. Posted by Im_a_Dude | August 16, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    He said he was sorry and didn't mean to loose anyone's money (or raid segregated client's accounts for margin call on losing global macro bets)
    let him move on and get past this already

  37. Posted by you said that? | August 16, 2012 at 2:37 PM

    1992 called and asked for its rollerblades back

  38. Posted by Moral Police | August 16, 2012 at 2:37 PM

    Investors who will invest in his fund shouldn't be allowed to report to SEC or file any lawsuit against him.

  39. Posted by Whitney Tilson | August 16, 2012 at 2:41 PM

    If so, I want royalties

  40. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 2:42 PM

    Remember this didn't start earlier, and it's the regulators who really created the problems here.

    Bernie M.

  41. Posted by History Major | August 16, 2012 at 3:28 PM

    Read the fine print closely.."Majoirty of investments will be used to pay off liabilties and legal fees resulting from previous investments. Any remaining capital will be promptly lost"

    Fin

  42. Posted by guest | August 16, 2012 at 3:33 PM

    oh, i see. you lost all that money at MF Global because that was a broker-dealer. it will be different – and much better! – once you're a principal investor.

  43. Posted by Guest | August 16, 2012 at 4:00 PM

    You can't say that on television.

  44. Posted by History Major | August 16, 2012 at 4:08 PM

    Id give him $50.00 to do the most honorable thing.

  45. Posted by contango | August 16, 2012 at 4:26 PM

    Please go sit in a corner. Thanks.

  46. Posted by YouBeeEs | August 16, 2012 at 5:41 PM

    They were over 18. It is legal even if it takes a few shots of tequila… So, turtle bay tonight anyone?

    -UBS Happy Hour Intern

  47. Posted by awesomesaur | August 16, 2012 at 5:45 PM

    ZH raises a valid point … but exactly 0 fucks were given

    http://www.zerohedge.com/news/guest-post-assange-or-corzine

  48. Posted by no_especifica | August 16, 2012 at 7:09 PM

    This hedge fund will be an excellent investment for the endowment of my new charity, The Third Mile.

    - J. Sandusky

  49. Posted by HF_Naming_Consultant | August 17, 2012 at 6:31 AM

    Muppet Slayer – Series II

  50. Posted by Short, But Long | August 17, 2012 at 10:24 AM

    Tired of listening to Corz. I'll just wait until Jeff Bridges makes JC: The Movie.

  51. Posted by Fatandhappy | August 17, 2012 at 12:15 PM

    Sounds like a fantastic deal to me, know a guy who is expecting a brad-in-the-over from Ashley, some asphalt guy, he's in too..

  52. Posted by N. Leeson | August 17, 2012 at 1:15 PM

    Does he need a Head of Settlements?

  53. Posted by awesomesaur | August 17, 2012 at 1:20 PM

    We approve of this comment
    - UBS HF quant

  54. Posted by awesomesaur | August 17, 2012 at 1:25 PM

    Muppet Slayer – Series II Fund

    - HF Naming consultant

  55. Posted by JC @ SP S&L | August 17, 2012 at 1:32 PM

    Oh, you would like to invest in my new hedge fund? That's great!!! I'll put the money right here.

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnd……

    It's gone.

  56. Posted by Edmund | August 20, 2012 at 4:27 AM

    Just to be serious for a moment … how is this guy not in jail?

  57. Posted by HFguy | August 20, 2012 at 9:10 AM

    New to the financial world.

  58. Posted by Guest | August 21, 2012 at 10:01 AM

    Didn't you read the latest GCC results? Club Fed caters to start ups and spin offs (less than 100mm). They won best in class for the following categories…

    "High quality relationships with incarcerated fund managers"
    "An all-round excellence performance an a penal lender"
    "Robust Direct Window to Emergency Federal Funding"
    "Maturing Client Reporting Engine, offering semi full transparency to investors"

  59. Posted by Guest | August 21, 2012 at 11:19 AM

    More like "Wall Street III: Money Takes the Long Dirt Nap". Or "Honey I Shrank the Portfolio". Or "Dude Where's My Money" Or how about "Barry and Rahm Go To Men's Country"

  60. Posted by b. madoff | August 21, 2012 at 12:11 PM

    We should shave his face and teach him to walk backwards. If he needs a roommate let me know.

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