Hedge Funds

Who Wants To Help Jon Corzine Launch A Hedge Fund?

According to Dealbook, the big guy is merely “weighing” whether or not he wants to start one but it seems more than a little obvious this thing is happening. He’s got the office space, the passion, and the tattoo on his ass that reads “Each time a door closes, a bigger, more fucking awesome one opens.” Mornings at home with Maury followed by early afternoons with his Soaps were fun for a while but it’s not the life for him. He needs a desk and a purpose and that purpose is making you big money. All you have to give him is a little something called “2 and 20.” (3 and 50 if you really want to show your support.) Is that so much to ask? Hank Paulson, can he count on you for $100 million to start? Make it 250mm and the whole pushing him out of Goldman and driving a stake through his heart incident is forgotten. Get in on the ground floor.

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61 Responses to “Who Wants To Help Jon Corzine Launch A Hedge Fund?”

  1. Guest says:

    Get in at the ground floor, leave from the basement.

  2. Guest says:

    PLEASE! Someone, anyone!

    -East Hampton HOBO Watch

  3. Guest says:

    What a fucking joke.

    – Common Sense

  4. Mexi_Cant says:

    People take this lead by example thing a bit too far.

    -J. Meriwether

  5. Guest says:

    What's the minimum for a managed account? Sike, just kidding.

  6. Guest says:

    Is this an inverse Hedge Fund?

  7. Guest says:

    It's more of a Sledge Fund.

  8. Art Bitrage says:

    Im available…


  9. Guy with A.D.D. says:

    Sorry, cant do it, I'm tied up with something else right now

    – Eddie Sonderling

  10. Guest says:

    It's a loss-generating investment fund by design that would offset any taxes liable from your other profitable investments.

    – UBS Private Wealth MD

  11. Guest says:

    When do the funny comments starting?

  12. Laid Off Trader says:

    It's easy to raise some capital these days. For instance, you go to the plasma center and spend about 3 hours answering a bunch of questions about your sex life (commercial and private), body art, and foreign travel activity. Then they give you a screening physical, make you prove you can read English, ask about recent dietary experiences and another round of sex life questions. Then you get screened again and asked about your sex life and take a test on HIV and places in Africa you may have been to. They look up your nose with the thing that is used to look in your ears. You have to pee in a cup. If everything checks out, they ask your full name a few more times, the last 4 digits of your "social", make you sign a document that you know all about HIV and you've never been to some places in Africa. Soon you are led to a comfy recliner chair and an almost painless needle/IV is inserted into the vein of your choice. In about an hour, your plasma is separated from your blood cells and the blood cells are returned to you intravenously at almost the same time. It doesn't hurt. You give an amount based on your weight; in my case about the volume size of a lite beer tallboy. You get up, go to the window and get $60.00 on your first visit. After that you get $20.00 on the first weekly visit and $40.00 on the second. You get a $10.00 bonus in the 3rd week of the month! I am trying to figure out how to go ahead an monetize 5 years of bi-weekly donations new and then sell the plasma center "no show" insurance if I want to chillax for a while.

  13. Guest says:

    Is Corzine trying to raise capital from the 'Make a Wish' foundation or what?

  14. Guest says:

    1. Use your own capital to start a hedge fund.
    2. Raise a couple of $ of external capital. Make sure you don't get diluted.
    3. ???
    4. End the year with about $1bn in AUM. Most of it from return on investments…

  15. Guest says:

    Bess please start the name jon's hedge fund thread.



  16. Marco from Tropoja says:

    Good luck.

  17. Guest says:

    Wall Street III: Money takes a pre-afternoon nap

  18. Guest says:

    The fundraising guy who has to take this story on the road was probably a pederast or something in a prior life.

  19. guest says:

    I'll give him $50m just to shave his head.

  20. J. Meriwether says:

    Jon – call me. Have some pointers for you.

  21. guest says:

    We'll take 3.


  22. Brian Hunter says:

    I've got some availability – LMK.

  23. RIP Old Lane says:

    You should have gone for bank CEO while you had the chance!

    – Vikram

  24. David Tepper says:

    Ha ha – your wife says to tell you – how you like her now!

  25. HungryIntern says:

    I have never wished anyone ass caner as much as this ass clown.

    ~Nothing to add, just highly amused by his arrogance

  26. LL Cool J says:

    Don't call it a comeback…

  27. Im_a_Dude says:

    He said he was sorry and didn't mean to loose anyone's money (or raid segregated client's accounts for margin call on losing global macro bets)
    let him move on and get past this already

  28. Moral Police says:

    Investors who will invest in his fund shouldn't be allowed to report to SEC or file any lawsuit against him.

  29. History Major says:

    Read the fine print closely.."Majoirty of investments will be used to pay off liabilties and legal fees resulting from previous investments. Any remaining capital will be promptly lost"


  30. guest says:

    oh, i see. you lost all that money at MF Global because that was a broker-dealer. it will be different – and much better! – once you're a principal investor.

  31. awesomesaur says:

    ZH raises a valid point … but exactly 0 fucks were given


  32. no_especifica says:

    This hedge fund will be an excellent investment for the endowment of my new charity, The Third Mile.

    – J. Sandusky

  33. HF_Naming_Consultant says:

    Muppet Slayer – Series II

  34. Short, But Long says:

    Tired of listening to Corz. I'll just wait until Jeff Bridges makes JC: The Movie.

  35. Fatandhappy says:

    Sounds like a fantastic deal to me, know a guy who is expecting a brad-in-the-over from Ashley, some asphalt guy, he's in too..

  36. N. Leeson says:

    Does he need a Head of Settlements?

  37. awesomesaur says:

    Muppet Slayer – Series II Fund

    – HF Naming consultant

  38. JC @ SP S&L says:

    Oh, you would like to invest in my new hedge fund? That's great!!! I'll put the money right here.


    It's gone.

  39. Edmund says:

    Just to be serious for a moment … how is this guy not in jail?

  40. Guest says:

    Didn't you read the latest GCC results? Club Fed caters to start ups and spin offs (less than 100mm). They won best in class for the following categories…

    "High quality relationships with incarcerated fund managers"
    "An all-round excellence performance an a penal lender"
    "Robust Direct Window to Emergency Federal Funding"
    "Maturing Client Reporting Engine, offering semi full transparency to investors"

  41. b. madoff says:

    We should shave his face and teach him to walk backwards. If he needs a roommate let me know.

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