As you may have heard, at some point last week, bond manager Jeffrey Gundlach was robbed. Thieves took $10 million worth of stuff from the Doubleline founder’s Santa Monica pad, including a couple of paintings, a few watches, some high-priced wine, a 2010 Porsche Carrera 4S, and whatever cash was lying around. While it’s unclear if the burglars made away with Gundlach’s collection of priceless pornographic films and sexual apparatus; if he was targeted specifically because the thieves knew they could get their hands on the original copy of Dr. Fellatio 16; or if they were tipped off by JG’s regular pizza delivery guy, cable repairman, or pool boy, what is clear that Gundlach is pissed, pissed like a man who is no longer in possession of Ass Traffic Volume 2: The Director’s Cut.  And that’s where you come in.

Mr Gundlach has reportedly offered a $100,000 reward for the return of his property. $1,000 is also being offered for information leading to the arrest and conviction of those who carried out the raid, according to Santa Monica police.

And to the burglars, if you’re reading, Gundlach will see your asses in court (the real kind, unless you want to settle this in Bondage Nookie Court in which case, get in touch with this attorney).

Multimillionaire financier victim of $10-million heist [LA Times]
Thieves snatch $10million haul of fine art, jewellery and a Porsche from home of wealthy banker dubbed the ‘Bond God’ [DM]
Related (…?): Jeffrey Gundlach NOT Set Up By TCW, Big Fan Of “Dr. Fellatio” Series

49 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (49)

  1. Posted by that other guy | September 20, 2012 at 1:08 PM

    Was that wrong? was I not supposed to do that?

  2. Posted by It's A Back Massager | September 20, 2012 at 1:12 PM

    What sort of dildo has that much material bullshit laying around and doesn't have some top notch security? But, plug the security issue and everything's OK in the future.

  3. Posted by Lets Go Buffalo | September 20, 2012 at 1:12 PM

    Can't wait till he buys the Bills! Nothing says fan appreciation night like a DVD copy of "Your Only Tight Once"!

    -Buffalo Bills 1992 AFC Champions, sweet repeat!

  4. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 1:20 PM

    I warned you about outperforming me. Now you see what happens

    -Bill Gross

  5. Posted by HungryIntern | September 20, 2012 at 1:20 PM

    Could not have happened to a nicer person.

  6. Posted by Dennis Kneel | September 20, 2012 at 1:20 PM

    There is no security.

  7. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 1:27 PM

    I bet it was the Bonobos bro…I'm not racist it's just something about the way he looks at me

  8. Posted by Investment Dude | September 20, 2012 at 1:28 PM

    Jackie's thug: "Where's the money, Jeffery??? Where's the fuckin' money asshole?!"

    Jeffery: "Look, man, I'm not Jeffery. I'm "the Pope" …or "the Godfather" if you're not into the whole brevity thing…."

  9. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 1:30 PM

    Why does all the reward money stick together?

  10. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 1:31 PM

    Damn 47%ers. They think they're entitled to free Porsches, paintings, and porn.

  11. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 1:32 PM

    JG: Do you find them much; these, stolen sybians?

    Cop: Sometimes, wouldn't hold out much hope for the snuff films though… or the Depeche Mode

  12. Posted by Alpha_Bets | September 20, 2012 at 1:33 PM

    I see what you did there.

  13. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 1:34 PM

    It wouldn't be the first time someone "forgot" to turn the alarm off.

    –Allstate Homeowners Insurance Co.

  14. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 1:34 PM

    100K bid for $10Mil worth of goods. What sound minded thief wouldn't take Gundlach up on that offer?

  15. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 1:34 PM

    er.. I meant "on"

  16. Posted by Mexi_Cant | September 20, 2012 at 1:40 PM

    Why can't he afford a Carrera Turbo or at least a 2013 Carrera 4S?

  17. Posted by Huggy Bear | September 20, 2012 at 1:41 PM

    I would!

    -UBS conversion of chattels quant

  18. Posted by guest | September 20, 2012 at 1:49 PM

    I'm picturing a past his prime male porn star pulling this off while "Sister Christian" is blasting in the background and a Chinaman is walking around detonating firecrackers.

  19. Posted by Anti DB | September 20, 2012 at 1:55 PM

    I want 2&20 or not interested

  20. Posted by Randolph Gundlach | September 20, 2012 at 2:03 PM

    I believe I paid $6,000,000. But if I remember correctly, I valued it for the insurance company at $10,000,000. So you see, Mortimer, I've already made $4,000,000.

  21. Posted by SEC staff | September 20, 2012 at 2:03 PM

    Oh man, is this story a trip down Mammary Lane.

  22. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 2:05 PM

    Check your preferred nomenclature.

  23. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 2:18 PM

    In other news, Bill Gross is auctioning off 10mm worth of goods for charity.

  24. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 2:20 PM

    Donald Duck really let himself go..

  25. Posted by güest | September 20, 2012 at 2:23 PM

    Bess, the links to the movies are wrong, they just redirect back to dealbreaker.

    – J. Gundlach

  26. Posted by ILoveLamp | September 20, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    JG was never going to be confused with Robert Redford, but these days with the bad haircut and the scraggly facial hair, he's looking even more like some kind of weird satanic ferret. Guess that explains some things.

  27. Posted by Incitatus | September 20, 2012 at 2:36 PM

    Gardener's car.

  28. Posted by BUY 5, agreed | September 20, 2012 at 2:46 PM

    UBS execution desk ?

  29. Posted by Blackstone advisor | September 20, 2012 at 2:48 PM


    Trust me these are performing assets

  30. Posted by Guest | September 20, 2012 at 3:05 PM

    That was his "trying not to be a show off douche" car, which would mean its in mint condition with 10 miles on the odometer.

  31. Posted by Guesticles | September 20, 2012 at 3:34 PM

    In these times of government austerity, the SEC had to get creative in acquiring the resources to motivate employees in lieu of pay.

  32. Posted by GET IT RIGHT | September 20, 2012 at 3:40 PM

    The 911 is a Carrera, but the Turbo is just 911 Turbo, not Carrera Turbo.

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    I'll have to give that a shot.

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    when you can afford one you stop worrying about that kind of details..

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