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Want To Earn $100,000 The Hard Way, You Dirty Little Bitch? Give Jeffrey Gundlach A Call

As you may have heard, at some point last week, bond manager Jeffrey Gundlach was robbed. Thieves took $10 million worth of stuff from the Doubleline founder’s Santa Monica pad, including a couple of paintings, a few watches, some high-priced wine, a 2010 Porsche Carrera 4S, and whatever cash was lying around. While it’s unclear if the burglars made away with Gundlach’s collection of priceless pornographic films and sexual apparatus; if he was targeted specifically because the thieves knew they could get their hands on the original copy of Dr. Fellatio 16; or if they were tipped off by JG’s regular pizza delivery guy, cable repairman, or pool boy, what is clear that Gundlach is pissed, pissed like a man who is no longer in possession of Ass Traffic Volume 2: The Director’s Cut.  And that’s where you come in.

Mr Gundlach has reportedly offered a $100,000 reward for the return of his property. $1,000 is also being offered for information leading to the arrest and conviction of those who carried out the raid, according to Santa Monica police.

And to the burglars, if you’re reading, Gundlach will see your asses in court (the real kind, unless you want to settle this in Bondage Nookie Court in which case, get in touch with this attorney).

Multimillionaire financier victim of $10-million heist [LA Times]
Thieves snatch $10million haul of fine art, jewellery and a Porsche from home of wealthy banker dubbed the ‘Bond God’ [DM]
Related (…?): Jeffrey Gundlach NOT Set Up By TCW, Big Fan Of “Dr. Fellatio” Series

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49 Responses to “Want To Earn $100,000 The Hard Way, You Dirty Little Bitch? Give Jeffrey Gundlach A Call”

  1. that other guy says:

    Was that wrong? was I not supposed to do that?

  2. It's A Back Massager says:

    What sort of dildo has that much material bullshit laying around and doesn't have some top notch security? But, plug the security issue and everything's OK in the future.

  3. Lets Go Buffalo says:

    Can't wait till he buys the Bills! Nothing says fan appreciation night like a DVD copy of "Your Only Tight Once"!

    -Buffalo Bills 1992 AFC Champions, sweet repeat!

  4. Guest says:

    I warned you about outperforming me. Now you see what happens

    -Bill Gross

  5. HungryIntern says:

    Could not have happened to a nicer person.

  6. Guest says:

    I bet it was the Bonobos bro…I'm not racist it's just something about the way he looks at me

  7. Investment Dude says:

    Jackie's thug: "Where's the money, Jeffery??? Where's the fuckin' money asshole?!"

    Jeffery: "Look, man, I'm not Jeffery. I'm "the Pope" …or "the Godfather" if you're not into the whole brevity thing…."

  8. Guest says:

    Why does all the reward money stick together?

  9. Guest says:

    Damn 47%ers. They think they're entitled to free Porsches, paintings, and porn.

  10. Guest says:

    JG: Do you find them much; these, stolen sybians?

    Cop: Sometimes, wouldn't hold out much hope for the snuff films though… or the Depeche Mode

  11. Guest says:

    100K bid for $10Mil worth of goods. What sound minded thief wouldn't take Gundlach up on that offer?

  12. Mexi_Cant says:

    Why can't he afford a Carrera Turbo or at least a 2013 Carrera 4S?

  13. guest says:

    I'm picturing a past his prime male porn star pulling this off while "Sister Christian" is blasting in the background and a Chinaman is walking around detonating firecrackers.

  14. Randolph Gundlach says:

    I believe I paid $6,000,000. But if I remember correctly, I valued it for the insurance company at $10,000,000. So you see, Mortimer, I've already made $4,000,000.

  15. Guest says:

    In other news, Bill Gross is auctioning off 10mm worth of goods for charity.

  16. Guest says:

    Donald Duck really let himself go..

  17. güest says:

    Bess, the links to the movies are wrong, they just redirect back to dealbreaker.

    – J. Gundlach

  18. ILoveLamp says:

    JG was never going to be confused with Robert Redford, but these days with the bad haircut and the scraggly facial hair, he's looking even more like some kind of weird satanic ferret. Guess that explains some things.

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