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Mike Corbat Will Torch The Fat Off Citi Like He Torched The Fat Off His Abs

Depending on who you believe, at some point on Monday night, Vikram Pandit either decided to voluntarily leave his post at Citigroup or was pushed out by the board. Those going with Scenario B say Pandit was “ousted…after it was concluded his mismanagement had caused setbacks with regulators and cost credibility with investors,” and that the board wanted a chief executive officer who would “place a special emphasis on sharpening the company’s focus on achieving sustained, strong operating performance.” While some have suggested that Vikram did the best job anyone in his position could and that this fantasy that one day, with the right guy in charge, Citi could be competing with Goldman for most prestigious financial institution is laughable at best, others maintain the Big C’s best days are ahead of it.

One way the firm will supposedly get there is by cutting the many layers of fat it has accumulated over the years. Considering Citi is at the point that it has to be airlifted out of the house to get to work every morning and do basic errands around town, getting in shape will be no easy task. But if there’s one guy who can do it, it’s new CEO Mike Corbat, according his personal trainer.

Citigroup paid a hedge-fund manager with a doctorate in finance more than $200 million over five years to save the bank from the brink of collapse. Now it’s turning to a former Harvard football lineman to run it better…That may mean cutting jobs, overhauling management, exiting businesses and improving ties with regulators, who this year blocked Pandit, 55, from fulfilling a pledge to restore shareholder payouts, said analysts, investors, employees and former Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. Chairman Sheila Bair…Corbat has a bachelor’s degree in economics from Harvard in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where he played football as an all- conference offensive guard. He was assigned by Pandit in April 2009 to divest $573 billion of assets as permanent head of the Citi Holdings unit, which held unwanted businesses. They included private-equity stakes, auto loans, a life insurer, a student-loan firm, a fund- of-hedge-funds business as well as mortgages and corporate bonds.

In 2010, he pursued an exercise regimen called the Spartacus Workout that, according to MensHealth.com, is designed to “torch fat” and “send your fitness level soaring,” people with knowledge of his routine said. The Spartacus Workout entails a series of minute-long exercises including squats, pushups and dumbbell lifts, with 15 seconds of rest in between, according to MensHealth.com. The process is repeated twice.

Enjoy today’s lunch of Ho-Hos and deep-fried Twinkies, ’cause it’s your last.

Citigroup Picks Spartacus-Trained Corbat to Cut Fat After Pandit [Bloomberg]
The Spartacus Workout [Men’s Health]

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41 Responses to “Mike Corbat Will Torch The Fat Off Citi Like He Torched The Fat Off His Abs”

  1. what really happened says:

    Corbat shouted "THIS IS CITI!!!" to pandit's face before kicking him in the chest, sending him flying though the glass window, falling to his death countless floors below

  2. PermaGuestII says:

    Things didn't end all that well for Spartacus if I recall correctly…

  3. Guest says:

    I'm guessing that's a 30# improvement over what Vik could curl?

    • guest says:

      I'm guessing that dumbell has a 30 IQ advantage over your brain.

      -guy who realizes complaining about a dumb joke via a dumb joke is stupid, but who had a visceral reaction to # instead of lb.

  4. Consultants says:

    Yeah! Trim the layers of fat! Cut costs!

    Wait….no….get out of here! …**sounds of struggle**…you can't do that to us!…*muffled*… We made you a framework! A FRAMEWORK!

  5. Sean says:

    Vikram: That's right. That's – that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?
    O'Neill: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
    Vikram: That – good point.
    O'Neill: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 dwarves. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
    Vikram: Why?
    O'Neill: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

  6. pazzo83 says:

    "it has to be airlifted out of the house to get to work every morning and do basic errands around town"

    Yes.., and?

    – M Moore

  7. Guest says:

    isn't he the old MTV sports guy?

  8. guest says:

    Pussy.

    -P. Ryan

  9. ILoveLamp says:

    I love the smell of torched fat in the morning. It smells like… victory!

  10. D. Lorenzana says:

    Pecs on a stick.

  11. Guesticle says:

    You wanna see a work out? Come down to the East River Park and meet me for some pullups. I will be wearing my lame fanny pack so that you will know that it is me.

    -Chaz "The Scooper" Gasparino

  12. Ta Da! says:

    I go with option C. Matt's analysis shamed Vik and the board so severely that Vik quit and the board is going to commit group Hari-Kari. Mike either can't read or didn't understand Matt's analysis, so he became CEO.

  13. GeezerOilTrader says:

    Fucking body sculpting CEOs are threatening the financial and oil trading businesses! That insecure self image bullshit trickles down to those of us in the fucking trenches, doing real oil trading and none of this fucking VaR influenced, quanti-fucked, self-margining three-way allegedly "costless" collar Dodd-Frank financial fuckery that end users and producers ultimately suffer from one dark morning! If a man sits around wondering how he "looks" to himself, doing topless crab poses in front of his private office shitter's mirror, drinking colon evacuating drinks and trying to not fart out loud while doing jumping jacks, you can bet some shithead trader of his/hers is noticing where all the "attention" is going and that particular asshole is rogue trading the book and ultimately costing the jobs of innocent fuckers on the trading floor nearby. Never, never, never fucking ever trust a man wearing those motherfucking Zubaz pants to the office on the weekend! That's a bad habit of Nebraska energy traders and their posers. Ever notice how the bodysculpting CEOs shave their fucking heads too? Dumbasses. Trying to look like a military guy and negotiating the perils of the financial and energy trading business just makes you look stupid. DID YOU EVER SEE A PIC OF JP MORGAN LIFTING WEIGHTS?? Did you ever see a pic of Oscar Wyatt doing deep knee bends? In the 1980s, when real men traded oil and Andy Hall being was chauffeured around Houston by the mullets at Petroder, the only time you lifted "weight" was when you were attempting to swing dance with a woman from Oklahoma. Real traders did "12 oz curls" and you didn't drink that foreign shit. Back in the mid 1980s when real men traded real oil and the only "paper" we did was on a roll in the handicapped stall, "banging the beehive" was our code for screwing the second shift girls at the Lake Ponchartrain Match factory!! Fucking young natgas traders always have to fuck with something!! Most of them have never seen a beehive hairdo. DESECRATION! Assholes. So I am supposed to be impressed that you, Mr. Fucking CEO, have a set of pecs under a custom shirt and you don't wear a wallet or carry keys in your pants pockets LIKE A REAL OILMAN because you want people to see your ass?? I don't know about you, but since 2008 I've seen all the "ass" of financial and oil company CEOs that I can just about stand in their fucking financials!! I work with a rather blunt fucker here on the desk and he was tellin' me about a conversation he had with his Iowa girlfriend who schedules gas on Northern. He's big on health and body improvement. His girlfriend scheduler said, "I wish I had bigger tits…." My friend says says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".

    "How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.

    "Well it worked for your ass".

  14. Zoroz says:

    So double-sided, B&W printing, moving the car service to 10 pm and cutting Seamless to $15 was not enough? Who knew?

  15. WTF__k says:

    My friends have standing orders that, if I ever become famous enough to be photographed for broad distribution, should a picture surface of me lifting weights with my hat on backward, they should shoot me dead, unless I've already died of shame.

  16. guest says:

    Wow. That's a goofy-ass looking man.

  17. Citi Insider Tapes says:

    < …Telephone Transcript … >
    O'Neil : Vik, I have the Prince conferenced on this line. He thinks this is an unacceptably disastrous quarter.
    vik : Screw you Prince, its all your legacy.
    Prince : Who the f*ck do you think you're talking to ?
    Vik : Isnt this Chuck (Prince) on the phone ?
    Prince : This is Prince Alwaleed Bin Tayal, you son of a camel

    < .. muffled noises …. disconnects … instant resignation follows >

  18. Barry says:

    ProTip Vik:
    You should have told them it was all Chuck's fault.

  19. This is a great post, but does look photoshopped! LOL Check out this video!

  20. Graham says:

    The best way to get this truly working is to get your mind behind your workout program…

  21. Sleepless says:

    "Citigroup paid a hedge-fund manager with a doctorate in finance more than $200 million over five years to save the bank from the brink of collapse. " Isn't that a SYMPTOM of the problem, paying on man $200 MIL to solve the problem of why you spend too much?

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