Depending on who you believe, at some point on Monday night, Vikram Pandit either decided to voluntarily leave his post at Citigroup or was pushed out by the board. Those going with Scenario B say Pandit was “ousted…after it was concluded his mismanagement had caused setbacks with regulators and cost credibility with investors,” and that the board wanted a chief executive officer who would “place a special emphasis on sharpening the company’s focus on achieving sustained, strong operating performance.” While some have suggested that Vikram did the best job anyone in his position could and that this fantasy that one day, with the right guy in charge, Citi could be competing with Goldman for most prestigious financial institution is laughable at best, others maintain the Big C’s best days are ahead of it.

One way the firm will supposedly get there is by cutting the many layers of fat it has accumulated over the years. Considering Citi is at the point that it has to be airlifted out of the house to get to work every morning and do basic errands around town, getting in shape will be no easy task. But if there’s one guy who can do it, it’s new CEO Mike Corbat, according his personal trainer.

Citigroup paid a hedge-fund manager with a doctorate in finance more than $200 million over five years to save the bank from the brink of collapse. Now it’s turning to a former Harvard football lineman to run it better…That may mean cutting jobs, overhauling management, exiting businesses and improving ties with regulators, who this year blocked Pandit, 55, from fulfilling a pledge to restore shareholder payouts, said analysts, investors, employees and former Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. Chairman Sheila Bair…Corbat has a bachelor’s degree in economics from Harvard in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where he played football as an all- conference offensive guard. He was assigned by Pandit in April 2009 to divest $573 billion of assets as permanent head of the Citi Holdings unit, which held unwanted businesses. They included private-equity stakes, auto loans, a life insurer, a student-loan firm, a fund- of-hedge-funds business as well as mortgages and corporate bonds.

In 2010, he pursued an exercise regimen called the Spartacus Workout that, according to MensHealth.com, is designed to “torch fat” and “send your fitness level soaring,” people with knowledge of his routine said. The Spartacus Workout entails a series of minute-long exercises including squats, pushups and dumbbell lifts, with 15 seconds of rest in between, according to MensHealth.com. The process is repeated twice.

Enjoy today’s lunch of Ho-Hos and deep-fried Twinkies, ’cause it’s your last.

Citigroup Picks Spartacus-Trained Corbat to Cut Fat After Pandit [Bloomberg]
The Spartacus Workout [Men's Health]

38 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
Show all comments ↓

Comments (38)

  1. Posted by what really happened | October 17, 2012 at 2:02 PM

    Corbat shouted "THIS IS CITI!!!" to pandit's face before kicking him in the chest, sending him flying though the glass window, falling to his death countless floors below

  2. Posted by PermaGuestII | October 17, 2012 at 2:04 PM

    Things didn't end all that well for Spartacus if I recall correctly…

  3. Posted by Guest | October 17, 2012 at 2:05 PM

    I'm guessing that's a 30# improvement over what Vik could curl?

  4. Posted by Consultants | October 17, 2012 at 2:05 PM

    Yeah! Trim the layers of fat! Cut costs!

    Wait….no….get out of here! …**sounds of struggle**…you can't do that to us!…*muffled*… We made you a framework! A FRAMEWORK!

  5. Posted by Sean | October 17, 2012 at 2:19 PM

    Vikram: That's right. That's – that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?
    O'Neill: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
    Vikram: That – good point.
    O'Neill: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 dwarves. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
    Vikram: Why?
    O'Neill: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

  6. Posted by pazzo83 | October 17, 2012 at 2:20 PM

    "it has to be airlifted out of the house to get to work every morning and do basic errands around town"

    Yes.., and?

    – M Moore

  7. Posted by Guest | October 17, 2012 at 2:23 PM

    isn't he the old MTV sports guy?

  8. Posted by guest | October 17, 2012 at 2:24 PM

    Pussy.

    -P. Ryan

  9. Posted by pazzo83 | October 17, 2012 at 2:24 PM

    Nope, still here.

    – Vickles

  10. Posted by Puck It | October 17, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    O'Neill: [held at gunpoint by Vickles] Pandit, you're *fired*!
    [Directive 4 limitation against Pandit is cancelled]
    Corbat: Thank you.
    [shoots Pandit]

  11. Posted by guest | October 17, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    eh?

  12. Posted by ILoveLamp | October 17, 2012 at 2:31 PM

    I love the smell of torched fat in the morning. It smells like… victory!

  13. Posted by guest | October 17, 2012 at 2:35 PM

    I'm guessing that dumbell has a 30 IQ advantage over your brain.

    -guy who realizes complaining about a dumb joke via a dumb joke is stupid, but who had a visceral reaction to # instead of lb.

  14. Posted by D. Lorenzana | October 17, 2012 at 2:42 PM

    Pecs on a stick.

  15. Posted by PermaGuestII | October 17, 2012 at 2:45 PM

    Or bacon– which is also nice.

  16. Posted by Guesticle | October 17, 2012 at 2:50 PM

    You wanna see a work out? Come down to the East River Park and meet me for some pullups. I will be wearing my lame fanny pack so that you will know that it is me.

    -Chaz "The Scooper" Gasparino

  17. Posted by Guest | October 17, 2012 at 2:50 PM

    People still remember his name, which would be "ending well" in the Classical sense.

  18. Posted by Guest | October 17, 2012 at 3:06 PM

    Hey!

    -guy who's signoff is way longer than his comment too

  19. Posted by guest | October 17, 2012 at 3:12 PM

    You recall correctly

    -Crassus

  20. Posted by Ta Da! | October 17, 2012 at 3:12 PM

    I go with option C. Matt's analysis shamed Vik and the board so severely that Vik quit and the board is going to commit group Hari-Kari. Mike either can't read or didn't understand Matt's analysis, so he became CEO.

  21. Posted by GeezerOilTrader | October 17, 2012 at 3:16 PM

    Fucking body sculpting CEOs are threatening the financial and oil trading businesses! That insecure self image bullshit trickles down to those of us in the fucking trenches, doing real oil trading and none of this fucking VaR influenced, quanti-fucked, self-margining three-way allegedly "costless" collar Dodd-Frank financial fuckery that end users and producers ultimately suffer from one dark morning! If a man sits around wondering how he "looks" to himself, doing topless crab poses in front of his private office shitter's mirror, drinking colon evacuating drinks and trying to not fart out loud while doing jumping jacks, you can bet some shithead trader of his/hers is noticing where all the "attention" is going and that particular asshole is rogue trading the book and ultimately costing the jobs of innocent fuckers on the trading floor nearby. Never, never, never fucking ever trust a man wearing those motherfucking Zubaz pants to the office on the weekend! That's a bad habit of Nebraska energy traders and their posers. Ever notice how the bodysculpting CEOs shave their fucking heads too? Dumbasses. Trying to look like a military guy and negotiating the perils of the financial and energy trading business just makes you look stupid. DID YOU EVER SEE A PIC OF JP MORGAN LIFTING WEIGHTS?? Did you ever see a pic of Oscar Wyatt doing deep knee bends? In the 1980s, when real men traded oil and Andy Hall being was chauffeured around Houston by the mullets at Petroder, the only time you lifted "weight" was when you were attempting to swing dance with a woman from Oklahoma. Real traders did "12 oz curls" and you didn't drink that foreign shit. Back in the mid 1980s when real men traded real oil and the only "paper" we did was on a roll in the handicapped stall, "banging the beehive" was our code for screwing the second shift girls at the Lake Ponchartrain Match factory!! Fucking young natgas traders always have to fuck with something!! Most of them have never seen a beehive hairdo. DESECRATION! Assholes. So I am supposed to be impressed that you, Mr. Fucking CEO, have a set of pecs under a custom shirt and you don't wear a wallet or carry keys in your pants pockets LIKE A REAL OILMAN because you want people to see your ass?? I don't know about you, but since 2008 I've seen all the "ass" of financial and oil company CEOs that I can just about stand in their fucking financials!! I work with a rather blunt fucker here on the desk and he was tellin' me about a conversation he had with his Iowa girlfriend who schedules gas on Northern. He's big on health and body improvement. His girlfriend scheduler said, "I wish I had bigger tits…." My friend says says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".

    "How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.

    "Well it worked for your ass".

  22. Posted by Old Person | October 17, 2012 at 3:19 PM

    Robocop.

  23. Posted by Frank Booth | October 17, 2012 at 3:22 PM

    "Real traders did "12 oz curls" and you didn't drink that foreign shit"

    Pabst Blue Ribbon!

  24. Posted by Zoroz | October 17, 2012 at 3:26 PM

    So double-sided, B&W printing, moving the car service to 10 pm and cutting Seamless to $15 was not enough? Who knew?

  25. Posted by WTF__k | October 17, 2012 at 3:28 PM

    My friends have standing orders that, if I ever become famous enough to be photographed for broad distribution, should a picture surface of me lifting weights with my hat on backward, they should shoot me dead, unless I've already died of shame.

  26. Posted by Bored Guest | October 17, 2012 at 3:33 PM

    Hey can you get that blunt fucker from your desk to start dropping comment bombs? I don't need all this PC filtering in my blog commentary. Cheers!

  27. Posted by Lowly Assistant | October 17, 2012 at 3:36 PM

    Don't you EVER besmirch Dan Cortese's good name.

  28. Posted by guest | October 17, 2012 at 3:45 PM

    Wow. That's a goofy-ass looking man.

  29. Posted by PermaGuestII | October 17, 2012 at 4:14 PM

    You do realize that's the press release headshot photoshopped onto someone else's body, right?

  30. Posted by P | October 17, 2012 at 4:45 PM

    That's Paul Ryan's body, folks.

  31. Posted by Whackattack | October 17, 2012 at 5:34 PM

    The Aristocrats!

  32. Posted by Aging Fat Guy | October 17, 2012 at 7:14 PM

    Actually, things didn't end well for Crassus either. And neither for Julius Caesar who made sure that they didn't end well for Crassus…

  33. Posted by WTF__k | October 17, 2012 at 9:53 PM

    Yes, Commander Killjoy.

  34. Posted by Guest | October 17, 2012 at 11:26 PM

    I like this post

    – Guy who didn't give it the thumbs up because it was at 69

  35. Posted by Citi Insider Tapes | October 18, 2012 at 12:38 AM

    < …Telephone Transcript … >
    O'Neil : Vik, I have the Prince conferenced on this line. He thinks this is an unacceptably disastrous quarter.
    vik : Screw you Prince, its all your legacy.
    Prince : Who the f*ck do you think you're talking to ?
    Vik : Isnt this Chuck (Prince) on the phone ?
    Prince : This is Prince Alwaleed Bin Tayal, you son of a camel

    < .. muffled noises …. disconnects … instant resignation follows >

  36. Posted by roger | October 18, 2012 at 7:08 AM

    one of those morning coke days?

    -smell of success

  37. Posted by Barry | October 18, 2012 at 8:46 AM

    ProTip Vik:
    You should have told them it was all Chuck's fault.

  38. Posted by PermaGuestII | October 18, 2012 at 12:17 PM

    Excellent. Carry on, then.

    -Commander K