Bloomberg reports that in response to a new decree by BofA’s recently promoted head of global equities distribution that salespeople must “attend at least 30 meetings a month with clients,” lest they be punished come payday, some frustrated worker-bees– who would just like to have one lunch or dinner or goddamn second alone and not in the company of a client who’d rather talk over the phone anyway, Jesus fuck– have resorted to broadening their definition of what constitutes a meal or meeting with a customer.*

The new order…works out to 1.5 gatherings each business day, which riled the staff and spurred some to exaggerate their meeting logs to avoid missing goals ahead of bonus season, said two people with direct knowledge of the matter. They asked for anonymity because the new policy isn’t public. Some workers regard Zuberi’s targets as unreasonably high, the people said. […] “What he’s doing is pointing out that personal relationships bring in revenue,” said Brad Hintz, an analyst at Sanford C. Bernstein & Co. “He’s set a bar that is probably a little too high; this is saying you’re having client lunches five days a week and dinner about three days a week. Still, that has value, it forces sales guys to get out there.”

The 30-meeting quota is for equities sales staff members, including those who handle specialty lines such as derivatives and prime-brokerage. Their job is to pitch investment ideas and deliver research to analysts and managers at institutions including BlackRock Inc. (BLK) and SAC Capital Management LLC. Zuberi also told workers assigned to traders at hedge funds and mutual funds to tally 20 meetings each month, the people said. That’s onerous to some employees because they don’t often leave their desks during trading hours, said one of the people. The statistics will be internally listed so equities employees can see where they stand, Zuberi told them in his August e-mail, the people said. Those who fail to make the quotas can expect managers to address the shortfalls at year-end meetings, the people said. Workers use Bank of America’s customer-tracking system to log meetings, the people said.

BofA Client-Meeting Quota Said to Vex Investment Bankers [Bloomberg]
*“Lunch with Bob from BlackRock at the Porcelain Pony” = ate a sandwich in the handicapped bathroom on the 9th floor; “Dinner with 5 SAC guys at The Palm” = drank myself into a stupor and potentially irreparably damaged relationship with dog walker, who was on the receiving end of several highly inappropriate and increasingly antagonistic emails.

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Comments (8)

  1. Posted by guest | November 14, 2012 at 7:13 PM

    "drank myself into a stupor and potentially irreparably damaged relationship with dog walker, who was on the receiving end of several highly inappropriate and increasingly antagonistic emails."

    how did you know about that?!

    – guy who's never drinking again

  2. Posted by Guest | November 14, 2012 at 9:45 PM

    1.) Ginormous bureaucratic bank fires MD for not growing the <fill in the blank> business.
    2.) New MD comes in with the support of management and a can do attitude that promises to help grow the business.
    3.) After ~1.5 years new MD realizes there is not a goddamn thing he/she can do to actually grow the business.
    4.) Clamoring for any method to save his/her ass, new MD proclaims that the problem is in tracking the new business data and institutes a retarded quota system.
    5.) This inevitably delivers no new revenue and new MD is fired.
    6.) Repeat steps 2-5

  3. Posted by Guest | November 15, 2012 at 9:34 AM

    7.) ????
    8.) Profit!

  4. Posted by Anon | November 15, 2012 at 12:22 PM

    > 2) Loop

    6.) Repeat steps 2-5
    7.) Loop Until ????
    8.) Profit!

  5. Posted by PermaGuestII | November 15, 2012 at 12:42 PM

    9.) Spend more than profit settling massive discrimination suit filed by pregnant female salesperson who gets dinged for not making absurd meeting target.

  6. Posted by UBS Office Lackey | November 15, 2012 at 4:09 PM

    10.) sleep with the MD and then file a harassment suit

  7. Posted by Sam | November 15, 2012 at 6:43 PM

    10.) Buy disguise and attend Wal – Mart fall plan meeting to come up with exciting new business plan ideas for next year.

  8. Posted by Guest | November 16, 2012 at 11:38 AM

    When shit likes this starts going down it's time to fine a new line of work.

    – Former mutual fund "wholesaler" current PE fundraising guy