Get out your yardsticks.

As you may have heard, things have not been going tremendously well for Steve Cohen of late. Two days before Thanksgiving, the government went public with its case against a former SAC Capital employee, Mathew Martoma, who it accused of masterminding the largest insider trading scheme ever. Cohen was neither charged nor mentioned by name in the criminal complaint, but he did make an appearance playing the role of “Portfolio Manager A,” a part we have previously mentioned one does not want to portray, if it can be avoided. Then on Wednesday, it was disclosed that SAC had received a Wells notice, indicative of the SEC’s plan to sue the fund and if that wasn’t enough, sources also claimed investigators are considering naming Cohen personally in the suit, to boot. So things are not exactly going his way right now and what he could really use is a break. The government dropping all charges against Martoma and publicly stating it will stay out of the Big Guy’s business forever starting right this second seems out of the question but even some small act of kindness would probably help. Allowing him to pass you on 95. Telling him he looks nice today. Asking, “Have you been working out?” Sending him humorous YouTube videos with a sweet note like, “Hang in there, bud. You’re in my thoughts…”

On the flip side, you know what he doesn’t need? Wildly libelous claims that it’s going to take a lot more than a “Correction” to forgive.

From the New York Times:

Corrections: November 30, 2012. An article on Thursday about efforts by the hedge fund manager Steven A. Cohen to defend his firm, SAC Capital Advisors, against a government inquiry into insider trading misstated the size of Mr. Cohen’s house in Greenwich, Conn. It is 35,000 square feet, not 14,000.

Was this supposed to be some kind of sick joke? 14,000 square feet, really? Why not just write he lives in a 2-bedroom condo in downtown White Plains?

[NYT, related]

60 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (60)

  1. Posted by Perspective Quant | November 30, 2012 at 11:41 AM

    Well, you know what they say, its not the size of the boat, its the motion the $1k/HR attorneys file in your favor.

  2. Posted by PippyLongSausage | November 30, 2012 at 11:41 AM

    This is why I don't read the I don't read the New York Times anymore

  3. Posted by qwestion | November 30, 2012 at 11:42 AM

    Insider trading using OPM has its privileges.

  4. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 12:00 PM

    That's a nice house! If I lived there, I would just ride my tricycle around it all the time and knock vases over.

  5. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 12:03 PM

    We're in an unprecedented new era of mudslinging and yellow journalism

  6. Posted by Ice Rink | November 30, 2012 at 12:03 PM

    Correction: 41,734 sq ft

  7. Posted by F9_Calculate | November 30, 2012 at 12:04 PM

    The title was kinky

    – Harvard BDSM

  8. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 12:07 PM

    And here I just assumed the Times meant to write 14,000 square cubits when I first read the article.

  9. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 12:10 PM

    I really feel for the guy, you know? It must be playing hell with his digestive tract.

    -Dr. Lox

  10. Posted by Hobbes | November 30, 2012 at 12:12 PM

    There's something ironically amusing about watching a bunch of entitled liberal arts wankers get their panties in a knot over the size of some people's material possessions..

  11. Posted by Jack Donaghy | November 30, 2012 at 12:17 PM

    Dear god NYT, what do you think he is? A peasant?

  12. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 12:28 PM

    Next they'll report him as riding around in a cab instead of black car service. Poor guy.

  13. Posted by Al Gartman | November 30, 2012 at 12:35 PM

    Raycess, please moderate.

  14. Posted by guest | November 30, 2012 at 12:39 PM

    He has his own personal driver, so 'black car service' would be an insult too…

  15. Posted by William B. Jennings | November 30, 2012 at 12:43 PM

    Been there done that. Cautionary tale Stevie

  16. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 12:44 PM

    Given the size of the guy's house, it sure doesn't look like he gets much exercise walking around the place.

  17. Posted by Sean | November 30, 2012 at 12:51 PM

    It's 14,000 square feet flaccid.

    He's a grower, not a shower.

  18. Posted by Turnip Truck | November 30, 2012 at 12:52 PM

    And then, as it must to all men, death came to Charles Foster Kane.

  19. Posted by Saul | November 30, 2012 at 12:53 PM

    Worst comment since Tuesday at 2:37 pm.

  20. Posted by Pronunciation Quant | November 30, 2012 at 12:55 PM

    "vay-ces" or "vah-zes"?

  21. Posted by Judge Smails | November 30, 2012 at 12:58 PM

    Ha, 14,000 feet. My dick is bigger than your whole boat

  22. Posted by George S. | November 30, 2012 at 12:58 PM

    Being a HF titan is the NKI

  23. Posted by UBS Golf Quant | November 30, 2012 at 12:59 PM

    How did you calculate 35,000 square feet? It looks more like 300 yards to me.

    – UBS Golf Quant

  24. Posted by Tom Brady | November 30, 2012 at 12:59 PM

    Phone number?

  25. Posted by MS MD Jennings | November 30, 2012 at 1:02 PM

    I'll stab you like I did that cabby!.

  26. Posted by I. Rennert | November 30, 2012 at 1:07 PM

    Amateur.

  27. Posted by guest | November 30, 2012 at 1:13 PM

    +1

  28. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 1:24 PM

    Hey!

    -Ping

  29. Posted by European client | November 30, 2012 at 1:30 PM

    For the US. Okay, and the rest?

  30. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 1:37 PM

    What is this? A house for ants?

  31. Posted by NYT Editor | November 30, 2012 at 1:55 PM

    Something was 14 and the other was 35? What the fuck was it? Did Steve have 14k sq feet, 14 AUM or a 14 cm dick? Fuck it! Just print it.

  32. Posted by guy | November 30, 2012 at 1:55 PM

    Tell us how you really feel…

    "FUCK YOU FOR BEING RICH!" – NYT

  33. Posted by DE Shaw Intern | November 30, 2012 at 1:56 PM

    Clearly 40,768.34

  34. Posted by Scarsdale | November 30, 2012 at 2:03 PM

    Nothing says old money, I got laid in high school and I have nothing to prove….. quite like an ostentatious 35,000 sq ft monstrosity

  35. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 2:09 PM

    Blame is on the Warren Court, 1964 New York Times and Co v. Sullivan. Gave them carte blanche to ignore fact checking of internal square footage.

  36. Posted by SMU Secure | November 30, 2012 at 2:12 PM

    In Texas, that would be considered a pool house.

  37. Posted by maninthegreysuit | November 30, 2012 at 2:13 PM

    Inspirational (read: awkward) call from Tom Brady sounds like it is in order.

  38. Posted by Concerned Citizen | November 30, 2012 at 2:15 PM

    Why the hell did you start?

  39. Posted by Laxbro | November 30, 2012 at 2:31 PM

    In Texas, that would be considered a pool house wife.

    Fixed

  40. Posted by Puck It | November 30, 2012 at 2:33 PM

    If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

  41. Posted by _guest | November 30, 2012 at 2:40 PM

    Mystery Caller: Um hi…is this the NY Times Ombudsman?

    NYT: Yes it is. How can I help you?

    Caller: Um yeah…I read your article on SAC Capital Advisors November 29th…I have a complaint…or a correction to make to the article?

    NYT: Thank you for your call. We're always striving to improve the accuracy of our news. What is your correction?

    Caller: Um, yeah…it's the size of the house. It's wrong. It's not 14,000 square feet.

    NYT: We take all errors seriously. What is the correct square footage?

    Caller: Um, yeah…it's actually 35,000 square feet.

    NYT: Wow. We really goofed that one up. We'll issue a correction for Friday's paper. Before we go, can I ask you how you know the correct size of the house?

    Caller: Um, yeah…it's my house. I own it.

    NYT: Really? You're Mr Cohen of SAC Capital Advisors?

    Caller: Yes. But can you keep my name out of the correction? I'm kind of embarrassed about having to make this call myself. I'm usually pretty calm about things but this error really got to me.

    NYT: Understood. We'll correct it right away.

    Caller: Thanks…I'm going to renew my subscription to you guys too. Can you forward me to your renewal department?

    NYT: Forwarding you now sir…

  42. Posted by Google Quant | November 30, 2012 at 2:52 PM
  43. Posted by Laxbro | November 30, 2012 at 3:17 PM

    Whether it's a mink coat or a 35k sq ft house, I don't recommend showing off when the heat is on.

    – Frank Lucas

  44. Posted by Guest | November 30, 2012 at 3:17 PM

    Corrections: December 1st, 2012 An article on Friday about hedge fund manager Steven A. Cohen represented Mr. Cohen as nice looking. Based on scientific standards he’s actually a four-eyed short fat bald slob.

    -NYT

  45. Posted by SEC | November 30, 2012 at 3:19 PM

    Criminal

  46. Posted by tiger flowers | November 30, 2012 at 4:05 PM

    SC finds great solace in coming home and talking to Alexandra's parents about his travails.

  47. Posted by Joke Rememberer | November 30, 2012 at 4:52 PM

    I hope he brings that $200 he owes them.

  48. Posted by gfgf | November 30, 2012 at 10:12 PM

    14,000 sqft guest house*

  49. Posted by Gueat | December 1, 2012 at 1:38 AM

    Just imagine the move from 35,000 square feet to a 48 square foot place with a toilet, sink and bars.

  50. Posted by Every UBS Associate | December 1, 2012 at 8:11 AM

    [i]"Why not just write he lives in a 2-bedroom condo in downtown White Plains?"[/i]

    Hey!

  51. Posted by Guest | December 1, 2012 at 8:25 AM

    But the 48 square foot place will have better security that the 35,000 square foot one.

  52. Posted by Guest | December 1, 2012 at 9:50 AM

    I'm going to assume the html format error was intentional because it really makes this a bona fide UBS joke. Well done!

  53. Posted by Tied Fly | December 1, 2012 at 2:16 PM

    It's only 14,000 square feet at tax time.

  54. Posted by Rayzel Lam | December 2, 2012 at 6:44 AM

    Hope they'll just share it to the homeless at least they can help make a better life. LoL http://tinyurl.com/d88qb8j

  55. Posted by Mary Kaplan | December 2, 2012 at 3:40 PM

    Another insider trading scandal? I can't believe it! And yes, he does have a fricking big house.

  56. Posted by Guest | December 3, 2012 at 7:34 AM

    Actually that's BB code, HTML code would have been .

    Assuming you work at UBS?

    Guest.

  57. Posted by Same guest | December 3, 2012 at 7:36 AM

    Would have been a massive fail guessing that thing actually recognize HTML code…

    <'i></'i>

    Faceplam.

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  60. Posted by Marshal Legazpi | May 2, 2013 at 6:21 AM

    Given the size of the guy's house, it sure doesn't look like he gets much exercise walking around the place.