News

New York Times Finds A Weird Way To Kick Steve Cohen When He’s Down

Get out your yardsticks.

As you may have heard, things have not been going tremendously well for Steve Cohen of late. Two days before Thanksgiving, the government went public with its case against a former SAC Capital employee, Mathew Martoma, who it accused of masterminding the largest insider trading scheme ever. Cohen was neither charged nor mentioned by name in the criminal complaint, but he did make an appearance playing the role of “Portfolio Manager A,” a part we have previously mentioned one does not want to portray, if it can be avoided. Then on Wednesday, it was disclosed that SAC had received a Wells notice, indicative of the SEC’s plan to sue the fund and if that wasn’t enough, sources also claimed investigators are considering naming Cohen personally in the suit, to boot. So things are not exactly going his way right now and what he could really use is a break. The government dropping all charges against Martoma and publicly stating it will stay out of the Big Guy’s business forever starting right this second seems out of the question but even some small act of kindness would probably help. Allowing him to pass you on 95. Telling him he looks nice today. Asking, “Have you been working out?” Sending him humorous YouTube videos with a sweet note like, “Hang in there, bud. You’re in my thoughts…”

On the flip side, you know what he doesn’t need? Wildly libelous claims that it’s going to take a lot more than a “Correction” to forgive.

From the New York Times:

Corrections: November 30, 2012. An article on Thursday about efforts by the hedge fund manager Steven A. Cohen to defend his firm, SAC Capital Advisors, against a government inquiry into insider trading misstated the size of Mr. Cohen’s house in Greenwich, Conn. It is 35,000 square feet, not 14,000.

Was this supposed to be some kind of sick joke? 14,000 square feet, really? Why not just write he lives in a 2-bedroom condo in downtown White Plains?

[NYT, related]

60 comments
(hidden for your protection)
Show all comments

60 Responses to “New York Times Finds A Weird Way To Kick Steve Cohen When He’s Down”

  1. Perspective Quant says:

    Well, you know what they say, its not the size of the boat, its the motion the $1k/HR attorneys file in your favor.

  2. PippyLongSausage says:

    This is why I don't read the I don't read the New York Times anymore

  3. qwestion says:

    Insider trading using OPM has its privileges.

  4. Guest says:

    That's a nice house! If I lived there, I would just ride my tricycle around it all the time and knock vases over.

  5. Guest says:

    We're in an unprecedented new era of mudslinging and yellow journalism

  6. Ice Rink says:

    Correction: 41,734 sq ft

  7. F9_Calculate says:

    The title was kinky

    – Harvard BDSM

  8. Guest says:

    And here I just assumed the Times meant to write 14,000 square cubits when I first read the article.

  9. Guest says:

    I really feel for the guy, you know? It must be playing hell with his digestive tract.

    -Dr. Lox

  10. Hobbes says:

    There's something ironically amusing about watching a bunch of entitled liberal arts wankers get their panties in a knot over the size of some people's material possessions..

  11. Jack Donaghy says:

    Dear god NYT, what do you think he is? A peasant?

  12. Guest says:

    Next they'll report him as riding around in a cab instead of black car service. Poor guy.

  13. Guest says:

    Given the size of the guy's house, it sure doesn't look like he gets much exercise walking around the place.

  14. Sean says:

    It's 14,000 square feet flaccid.

    He's a grower, not a shower.

  15. Turnip Truck says:

    And then, as it must to all men, death came to Charles Foster Kane.

  16. Judge Smails says:

    Ha, 14,000 feet. My dick is bigger than your whole boat

  17. George S. says:

    Being a HF titan is the NKI

  18. UBS Golf Quant says:

    How did you calculate 35,000 square feet? It looks more like 300 yards to me.

    – UBS Golf Quant

  19. Tom Brady says:

    Phone number?

  20. I. Rennert says:

    Amateur.

  21. Guest says:

    What is this? A house for ants?

  22. NYT Editor says:

    Something was 14 and the other was 35? What the fuck was it? Did Steve have 14k sq feet, 14 AUM or a 14 cm dick? Fuck it! Just print it.

  23. guy says:

    Tell us how you really feel…

    "FUCK YOU FOR BEING RICH!" – NYT

  24. Scarsdale says:

    Nothing says old money, I got laid in high school and I have nothing to prove….. quite like an ostentatious 35,000 sq ft monstrosity

  25. Guest says:

    Blame is on the Warren Court, 1964 New York Times and Co v. Sullivan. Gave them carte blanche to ignore fact checking of internal square footage.

  26. SMU Secure says:

    In Texas, that would be considered a pool house.

  27. maninthegreysuit says:

    Inspirational (read: awkward) call from Tom Brady sounds like it is in order.

  28. Laxbro says:

    In Texas, that would be considered a pool house wife.

    Fixed

  29. _guest says:

    Mystery Caller: Um hi…is this the NY Times Ombudsman?

    NYT: Yes it is. How can I help you?

    Caller: Um yeah…I read your article on SAC Capital Advisors November 29th…I have a complaint…or a correction to make to the article?

    NYT: Thank you for your call. We're always striving to improve the accuracy of our news. What is your correction?

    Caller: Um, yeah…it's the size of the house. It's wrong. It's not 14,000 square feet.

    NYT: We take all errors seriously. What is the correct square footage?

    Caller: Um, yeah…it's actually 35,000 square feet.

    NYT: Wow. We really goofed that one up. We'll issue a correction for Friday's paper. Before we go, can I ask you how you know the correct size of the house?

    Caller: Um, yeah…it's my house. I own it.

    NYT: Really? You're Mr Cohen of SAC Capital Advisors?

    Caller: Yes. But can you keep my name out of the correction? I'm kind of embarrassed about having to make this call myself. I'm usually pretty calm about things but this error really got to me.

    NYT: Understood. We'll correct it right away.

    Caller: Thanks…I'm going to renew my subscription to you guys too. Can you forward me to your renewal department?

    NYT: Forwarding you now sir…

    • Laxbro says:

      Whether it's a mink coat or a 35k sq ft house, I don't recommend showing off when the heat is on.

      – Frank Lucas

  30. Guest says:

    Corrections: December 1st, 2012 An article on Friday about hedge fund manager Steven A. Cohen represented Mr. Cohen as nice looking. Based on scientific standards he’s actually a four-eyed short fat bald slob.

    -NYT

  31. tiger flowers says:

    SC finds great solace in coming home and talking to Alexandra's parents about his travails.

  32. gfgf says:

    14,000 sqft guest house*

  33. Gueat says:

    Just imagine the move from 35,000 square feet to a 48 square foot place with a toilet, sink and bars.

  34. Every UBS Associate says:

    [i]"Why not just write he lives in a 2-bedroom condo in downtown White Plains?"[/i]

    Hey!

    • Guest says:

      I'm going to assume the html format error was intentional because it really makes this a bona fide UBS joke. Well done!

  35. Tied Fly says:

    It's only 14,000 square feet at tax time.

  36. Rayzel Lam says:

    Hope they'll just share it to the homeless at least they can help make a better life. LoL http://tinyurl.com/d88qb8j

  37. Mary Kaplan says:

    Another insider trading scandal? I can't believe it! And yes, he does have a fricking big house.

  38. Sohbet says:

    I really love coming here to have a very good blog.

  39. Given the size of the guy's house, it sure doesn't look like he gets much exercise walking around the place.