SAC Capital Invites Employees To Gather ‘Round For A Chat That Could Simply Be To Notify Everyone They’re Switching Fleece Manufacturers

What? Anything is possible and that would be grounds for an all-staff call. You don’t know.

[CNBC, Earlier, Earlier, Earlier, Earlier]

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55 Responses to “SAC Capital Invites Employees To Gather ‘Round For A Chat That Could Simply Be To Notify Everyone They’re Switching Fleece Manufacturers”

  1. InfiniteGuest says:

    Maybe they're drawing names for Secret Santa.

    • PermaGuestII says:

      Please point me to the place in the New Testament where it discusses the appearance of a fat bearded man in a red fur-trimmed suit, riding in a sleigh drawn by subarctic quadrupeds, as somehow being a part of the birth of the Messiah.


  2. Ooo_la_la says:

    Hey Bess, please change tags to include: Cadillacs, second prize, steak knives.

  3. Guest says:

    Why the fuck would Cohen discuss his personal liability at an all-staff meeting?

    – Not a lawyer, not a fan of their work

    • guest says:

      And look, tell me he ain't did it, he ain't did it
      And if he did, then that's family business

      • engineer over here says:

        Apparently not enough Kanye West fans on DealBreaker. Lots of Kanye songs would play well as the opening song for this SAC movie (coming soon).

        Partial List:
        Blame Game
        All Falls Down
        Bring Me Down
        Can't Tell Me Nothing
        Gold Digger
        We Major

  4. guest says:

    maybe they are picking colors for next year´s fleeces

  5. Patagonia Analyst says:

    Well, looks like that pitchbook I spent all of October on finally did some good!

  6. FORskin says:

    Maybe Ping to lead a white-board discussion?

  7. Guest says:

    I wonder what brought Stevie all this bad luck?

    -A Rod

  8. Dateraider says:

    Oh the SEC outside is frightful,
    But the fleece is so delightful,
    And since we've no place to go,
    Don't be slow ! Hide the dough! Let It Snow!

    It doesn't show signs of stopping,
    But I've personal money to take the whopping,
    The lights are turned way down low,
    Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

    When we finally kiss goodnight,
    How I'll hate going out in the storm!
    But if you'll really hold me tight,
    All the way to the pen I'll be warm.

    The fire is slowly dying,
    And, my dear, we're still good-bying,
    But as long as you love me so,
    Let's lie low! Let Matt take the Blow ! Let It Snow!

  9. Guest says:

    If I go down your coming with!

    -Steve “Humpty Dumpty” Cohen

  10. Alt_EST says:

    Handbridge Capital Swag > SAC Swag

  11. Guest says:

    Could it be?


  12. Fuckles says:



  13. Staff Call says:

    Scene: Conference Room A, 4:15pm

    Enter STEVE, serious:

    "If I catch just ONE of you @#($*&@#($ talking to the @$&#*@#$ press, I will personally @#$* @#$*( your @#$#$."

    Exeunt, pursued by a bear.

  14. Backdoor_Bess says:

    Phantom Wireless Spectrum Gift Card from Phil > SAC Hoodie

  15. Todd says:

    There's a fleece on my house!

  16. Cliff Assness says:

    Falcone or Cohen? Who would you rather be?

  17. guest says:

    Is the staff call made using burner cell phones?

  18. guest says:

    group hug?

  19. SAC HR says:

    We would like to thank Mr. Vilhauer for his efforts on SAC's behalf, as he leaves to spend more time with his family..

    Now, who wants to be the new head trader.

    Anyone? Anyone?

  20. mayflower man says:

    When I was there, every year on the day before the holiday I tried to get Steve to lead a re-enactment of the first thanksgiving feast, with half of us as native americans and half pilgrims. i even had the peace pipes loaded. got voted down every time. think it was because steve couldn't decide whether he looked better in black, or with warpaint and feathers.

    ex fleecer

  21. Guest says:

    Does Stevie have nice thighs? Just wondering.

    -Somebody with powerfully nice thighs

  22. Guest says:

    SC: Thanks for coming. Just wanted to let you know we're kinda fucked here, but there's good news….I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

  23. NakedShort says:

    Got teeth in your mouth so my Wells Notice gots to fit!

  24. Turnip Truck says:

    Nothing is fucked!!!

  25. Legal guy says:

    I'm willing to buy a fleece now, anyone who has one, please call me at 1-800-MAKEITRAIN

  26. SACk says:

    "And that's all for today. Oh one more thing, if you or a family member knows anyone interested in a preserved shark that can be suspended from the ceiling of your home, I…have a friend looking to get rid of one. Thank you."

  27. Just sayin says:

    As a former service provider who's visited their office on multiple occasions, I can honestly and equitably say that his taste in art sucks ass. I would likely have appreciated it more had I hit the Chronic or the Indo prior..

  28. A Milli says:

    Chat over. SC: You got nothing on me. You know it, I know it. I'm changing dollar bills. That's all. You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He's the best lawyer in Miami. He's such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm."

  29. flyonwall says:

    Employees gathered, supplicating hands held out before them as if for alms, while Stevey, as he is affectionately known by his employees, placed a small pill, the size of a pea, in each of their hands. In a soothing voice, reminiscent of the Velvet fog, Stevey said, before walking to his helipad, "You all know what needs to be done."

  30. flyonwall says:

    We're fucked, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

  31. Jersey says:

    My fleece is more better.

    -Gov Chris Christie