You Can Add The FBI To The (Long) List Of People Impressed With Jeffrey Gundlach’s Brain

There is no denying that Jeffrey Gundlach is a hugely talented man whose IQ would rank among the highest in the world if he ever had it tested. “What’s it like having lunch with a genius,” he once asked a colleague, who presumably answered, “To be honest, it’s giving me an inferiority complex just breathing the same air as you, knowing that your brain is the standard for how intelligence will be measured from now until the end of eternity.” Until recently, however, the application of Gundlach’s brilliance was largely confined to bond management. According to a new profile by Bloomberg Markets, though, Gundlach’s intellectual prowess is just as if not more impressive when it comes to crime solving.

In mid-September, thieves robbed the money manager’s Santa Monica home in a quiet residential neighborhood, taking more than $10 million in artworks as well as his red 2010 Porsche Carrera 4S, wine and watches. The robbers also snatched two works by Gundlach’s late grandmother, Helen Fuchs, who was an amateur painter. The money manager first offered $200,000 for tips leading to the recovery of his art and days later boosted the reward to $1.7 million. Santa Monica Police Department Sergeant Richard Lewis says the large sum of money was key to cracking the case, which the Federal Bureau of Investigation assisted on. In late September, two suspects were arrested and all of the stolen art was recovered. The cerebral Gundlach also gave investigators a tip for solving the crime. He says that while he was at home in his family room, it dawned on him that thieves would do a Google search using his grandmother’s name to find out more about the paintings and how much they might be worth. Gundlach told the authorities that they should check the Internet to see who might have googled the name Helen Fuchs. He says exactly two such searches were executed: one by him and one by the thieves.

Gundlach says his Internet idea impressed investigators. “The FBI,” he says, “thought it was brilliant.”

We’ve previously expressed skepticism re: the whole heist not being part of some kind of elaborate role-playing stunt for Gundlach and the “thieves” to play out in front of an audience (it’s hotter that way) and that skepticism has grown even stronger today based on Google supposedly solving the crime, which seems just a bit too easy. Nevertheless, this whole saga will undoubtedly be recounted via Gundlach’s favorite movie genre— The Porno– and it will need a name. When this story first began, we thought Happy Endings or Jasper In Her Johns would be apt but now, with the inclusion of Gundlach’s part as amateur FBI agent, it doesn’t feel quite right. F*cking Nancy Drew or BUSTED (On Your Face) seem more appropriate, but other ideas are welcome at this time.

Bond Investor Gundlach Buys Stocks, Sees ‘Kaboom’ Ahead [Bloomberg Markets Magazine]
Earlier: Want To Earn $100,000 The Hard Way, You Dirty Little Bitch? Give Jeffrey Gundlach A Call; You Wanna Play Hardball? Jeffrey Gundlach’s Game; Jeffrey Gundlach’s Babies Come Home; Jeffrey Gundlach NOT Set Up By TCW, Big Fan Of “Dr. Fellatio” Series

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35 Responses to “You Can Add The FBI To The (Long) List Of People Impressed With Jeffrey Gundlach’s Brain”

  1. Let's Go Buffalo! says:

    Yeah Baby! Bills are drafting a new QB and getting this guy ^^^^^ as the owner! Bills are back! Deal with it America!

    • Scream in the Pillow says:

      Oh, don't worry, I'll deal with it. But thanks for the heads up.

      – Guy who deals with things accordingly

  2. Guesticle says:

    And his video collection.


  3. 3:22 on a friday... says:

    i actually laughed out loud at that porno line.

  4. Guest says:

    "Helen Fucks"

  5. Charles Perrault says:

    Helen Fuchs stars as Granny, Jeff Gundlach as the wolf, Bobbi Starr as Red: "My What a Big C*ck you have!"

  6. Pitchbook Writer says:

    Gundlach's problem is as difficult as making "dill" dough. The dill weed must be appropriate for the occasion like security should be for expensive art. Gundlach should find a female security expert with the appropriate security knowledge and "vibe". Rate her on her knowledge skills and abilities. But, plug the immediate and obvious art security problems that another burglary would make him look like an ass. Hole up with security experts for a while and figure out the problems going forward.

  7. NakedShort says:

    Use My Face As Your Canvas Volume 2

  8. Mighty Taco says:

    FBI Agent: Such an unusual name, "Fuchs." How did your family come by it?

    Jeff: We changed it in the 9th century.

    FBI Agent: You mean you changed it TO "Fuchs"?

    Jeff: Yeah. Used to be "Shithouse."

    FBI Agent: It's a good change. That's a good change!

    • Jack Warden says:

      It's pronounced "Fyooks"….. Roy L. Fuchs !!

      -From the feature "Used Cars", a funny movie many of you have never seen.

  9. NakedShort says:

    Is That A Paint Brush In Your Pocket Or Should I Just Suck Your Cock? Part II

  10. Sean says:


  11. guest says:

    my bad – i was searching for helen suchs

  12. NakedShort says:

    Easel It In My Ass

  13. Guest says:

    How did he know they weren't using Yahoo?

    -Dan Loeb

  14. gundlicker says:


  15. NakedShort says:

    Draw Me Like One Of Your TCW Girls

  16. VonSloneker says:

    Common sense apparently = brilliant

    – The Fuzz

  17. NakedShort says:

    Ever So Tenderly Place Your van Goghnads In My Eye Sockets.

  18. Guesteban says:

    Skeet: A Post-Modern Deconstruction of the Phallicism Endemic to the Penetration Dialectics of the Gang Bang

  19. LetsBreel says:

    Gundlach: "Fuch like Dutch"
    Investigator: "I bet she did."
    Gundlach: "Huh?"
    Investigator: "Oh, nothing. We'll make a note of it."

  20. FKApmco says:

    Jeffrey and The Da Vinci Load

  21. Guestlach says:

    Who Just Came in My Place?

  22. guest says:

    can we turn the video naming game in to a contest?

  23. Also brilliant says:

    Using locks

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  26. Guesticle says:

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