• 29 Jan 2013 at 11:46 AM

First Food Eating Challenge Of 2013: Underway

It’s another vending machine challenge and you know how we feel about those (too much time, not enough food, doesn’t put hair on anyone’s chest) BUT it does involve a contract (described as “amazing” by the half of Dealbreaker that was at one time licensed to practice law in New York1), the terms of which state that in the event of a loss, the loser will pay for a lunch he’s not invited to, so we’ve got award points for that.

Updates will be provided here throughout the day. Thus far:

8:30am: “Comes out swinging and takes down the Pop Tarts right away”
8:40am: “Hammers the Famous Amos chocolate chip and Grandma’s oatmeal raisin cookies”
8:45am: “Elfin animal crackers gone”
9:00am: “Duplex cookies done”
9:15am: “Jack Link’s jerky is done, started working on the Twizzlers – gonna chip away at those throughout the day”
9:20am: “Popped a wintergreen breath savers to freshen things up”
9:32am: “Moving onto chocolate – Hershey’s candy bar in process”
9:40am: “He’s confident, not full, but mouth is getting a little dry. Currently working his way through the potato skins.”
9:45am: “His breathing is getting noticeably heavier – there’s also some sweat on his forehead he says is from ‘working out’ this morning.”
10:25am: Participant: “I’m starting to get kind of a numb feeling in my mouth.”
11:02am: “Just punished the Twizzlers. 12 items down, total calories consumed so far = 3,600”
11:08am: “Feeling a little bloated; having trouble annunciating words.”
11:19am: Participant: “I’m getting kind of full. Not full-full, I’ve been fuller, but I think I got the hard stuff out of the way.” [looks at Twix and Snickers] “Those things are gonna suck.”
11:27am: “These peanut butter cups are going down a little hard.”
11:32am: “Just topped 4,000 calories”
11:46am: Controversy as a few popcorn kernels fall to the ground, should they be eaten?
11:48am: Kernels have been consumed
12:00pm: Participant: “Feeling confident but dehydrated. I think I’m on pace to do this.”
12:18pm: “Sweating more profusely now”
12:35pm: “First pack of gum consumed, followed by Taco Doritos (???)”
1:10pm: “Nineteen items down. Might be hitting a wall – really struggling now, he looks like hell.”
He’s got his designated final 4 pieces set up for him to get to 30. Not looking promising, although he may get there.
2:14pm: “0.000% of getting to all 39 items. He still has 5 bags of chips at least, trail mix, among others…”
2:28pm: Participant: “I’m so full I could burst. I can’t stand the taste of sugar or salt right now.”
2:30pm: 23 items down, 2 more in process. Totals consumed so far: 5620 calories (269% DV), 209g of fat (308% DV), and 5915g of sodium (246% DV)
2:48pm: “Game over – he throws in the towel after 25.5 items. Looks like we’ll be taking that credit card to lunch after all…”
2:52pm: Participant: “I can’t even laugh about this. Everything hurts. I’m going home.”

Vending Machine Challenge Final Results [PDF]
Vending Machine Challenge Contract [PDF]
Vending Machine Contents/Calories/Etc [PDF]
1. Matt says: “Technically I think I’m still licensed, just certifying that I’m not practicing. Not like I’ve been disbarred or anything.”

62 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (62)

  1. Posted by Ackman | January 29, 2013 at 11:49 AM

    6.5 hours? The challengers should have asked for Schmuck Insurance.

  2. Posted by Herb Schmertz | January 29, 2013 at 11:56 AM

    3.75 cents per calorie consumed? The only schmuck I see is the challengee.

  3. Posted by Clevon Little | January 29, 2013 at 11:59 AM

    How many margs before Mattski gets disbarred?

  4. Posted by EPLS | January 29, 2013 at 11:59 AM

    Easy peasy lemon squeezy

  5. Posted by Turnip Truck | January 29, 2013 at 12:00 PM

    3:1 odds? Really? Even with a full half-hour clawback period that seems excessive.

    Also, if you're not going to those CLEs, Matt, you're not licensed anymore.

  6. Posted by Burn it | January 29, 2013 at 12:01 PM

    HAHAHAHAAHAH! Bess said half of the DB team so its only MATT and BESS! NOT Shazar! HAHAHAHA BUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRNNN

  7. Posted by Chris Christie | January 29, 2013 at 12:04 PM

    Eating challenge?? This looks like a typical pre-second lunch snack.

  8. Posted by Hobbes | January 29, 2013 at 12:06 PM
  9. Posted by Aquila Braintrust | January 29, 2013 at 12:09 PM

    Drab cubicle, $15 cap on lunch expense/person, central standard time noted……….It's either Tenaska or MidAmerica. Might be Buffett.

  10. Posted by Fatty | January 29, 2013 at 12:09 PM

    Need more non-depressing articles like this

  11. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2013 at 12:09 PM

    You could feed an entire floor at 299 Park Ave with that

  12. Posted by Goob | January 29, 2013 at 12:12 PM

    Does he need to swallow the gum or just chew till the flavor is gone?

  13. Posted by Bored Guest | January 29, 2013 at 12:21 PM

    Porno on DB? They should be ashamed! Look at all that porn.

    – C. Christie.

  14. Posted by Curious Ruminant | January 29, 2013 at 12:22 PM

    If he successfully re-eats what he regurgitates, does that still count as non-permitted regurgitation?

  15. Posted by Laurie | January 29, 2013 at 12:22 PM

    Haha this really perked up my day, though I'm pretty sure consuming so much sugar and e numbers would quickly bring me right back down again.

  16. Posted by nnn | January 29, 2013 at 12:23 PM

    the Twizzlers and Mints will be his undoing.

    Nothing to see here.

  17. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2013 at 12:24 PM

    I'm imagining Matt holding up his index finger while he corrected Bess on his license.

  18. Posted by NY BOLE C&F Quant | January 29, 2013 at 12:26 PM

    Pretty sure the 8 or 9 pending SEC investigations into Matt trading ahead of Dealbreaker stories are going to be more of an issue than CLE attendance.

  19. Posted by UBS Flyover | January 29, 2013 at 12:27 PM

    You'd be surprised

  20. Posted by Name | January 29, 2013 at 12:36 PM

    Weak performance. Shoulda finished everything but the gum and mints before lunch.

  21. Posted by Mercury | January 29, 2013 at 12:38 PM

    A food challenge simply isn't a food challenge without some form of liquid cheese product.

    Just sayin'.

  22. Posted by MakeHimSwallow | January 29, 2013 at 12:39 PM

    Asked above but what are the gum rules?

  23. Posted by Christie | January 29, 2013 at 12:41 PM

    Sweating profusely after 3,600 calories is the NKI…

  24. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2013 at 12:44 PM

    The beef jerky stats on the list can't be for the entire package…they need to update for serving size.

  25. Posted by Kurtz | January 29, 2013 at 12:53 PM

    Worst comment in the 10 year history of Dealbreaker.

  26. Posted by PermaGuestII | January 29, 2013 at 12:54 PM

    Disagree. Could also be anyone in Minneapolis or St. Louis, Principal in Des Moines, Northwestern Mutual in Milwaukee. Guessing that a Chicago-based firm would've stepped higher than $15/head but that's a possibility too.

    While Kansas City, Dallas, Houston and Memphis are all on Central time as well, I'm thinking any eating challenge mounted in those locales would involve something heavier/spicier/more local…

  27. Posted by heywood | January 29, 2013 at 1:03 PM

    $350 what a dumb azz… should have asked for a grand

  28. Posted by Zoroz | January 29, 2013 at 1:15 PM

    Missing the huge honey buns and cinnamon rolls, pikers. Anyone can eat 20 vend-sized rice crispy packs.

  29. Posted by Story in a Story | January 29, 2013 at 1:20 PM

    Just checked on the brands/distribution of the vending machine products. They are national brands so no real clues there as to contest location. Interestingly the "Jack Links Jerky" is of a Wisconsin origin. There is a Jack Link running the family business and he has been inducted into the Wisconsin Meat Hall of Fame. If any member of the Link family was to write a letter about art to a museum it would be called the art Link letter.

  30. Posted by Plasma Selling FICC | January 29, 2013 at 1:23 PM


  31. Posted by Perkins Maxwell | January 29, 2013 at 1:27 PM

    loophole in the contract: If he pukes it up but still finishes the items, he doesn't receive the Fee Amount, but the participants don't get lunch.

    Also: nice job to the two guys who only staked half as much dough but are still entitled to an equal share of the reward lunch if they win.

  32. Posted by Jimmy Dean Sliders | January 29, 2013 at 1:29 PM

    If the movie "Giant" had been made about a kippered meat dynasty, James Dean's character would have been named "Jett Link".

  33. Posted by Michael Moore | January 29, 2013 at 1:29 PM

    Why is the first course the only one pictured?

  34. Posted by Laxbro | January 29, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    $15 a head for lunch? Woah, these Big Ten ballers can totally splurge with a pair of premium signature items for Panera's You Pick 2™. You know what they say in the Midwest, "turkey avocado's for closers".

  35. Posted by Capital one | January 29, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    Credit Card use by someone other than the cardholder is not best practice.

  36. Posted by Kellogg's | January 29, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    There is no shot he's able to put down the Rice Krispie treat down if he's leaving that to the end.

  37. Posted by Turtle McGee | January 29, 2013 at 1:52 PM

    Are you commenting about things happening in advance? Last update at 11:46am, which includes a comment that kernels were eaten at 11:48am.

  38. Posted by spiderbro | January 29, 2013 at 1:56 PM


    So UBS does have an office in the midwest…

  39. Posted by Snack Food Quant | January 29, 2013 at 1:58 PM

    I'm thinking DFA in Austin.

  40. Posted by theShizznitt | January 29, 2013 at 2:05 PM

    Risk of $50 loss for $15 max gain? I haven't seen such a group of asymmetrical payoff seekers since they blew out the UBS fixed income desk.

  41. Posted by Laxbro | January 29, 2013 at 2:25 PM

    "Checked on the distribution of the vending machine products…" Good God, how long have you been unemployed? Further, how many hits off the ROOR thus far today?

  42. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2013 at 2:25 PM


  43. Posted by Turnip Truck | January 29, 2013 at 2:42 PM

    True, but trading is fun (and profitable). CLE is just hell.

  44. Posted by Sarah | January 29, 2013 at 3:09 PM

    The snickers will do him in

  45. Posted by Laxbro | January 29, 2013 at 3:12 PM

    Credit card roulette with Applebees gift cards is the NKI.

  46. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2013 at 3:13 PM

    Playing credit card roulette with Applebees gift cards is the NKI.

  47. Posted by Im_a_Dude | January 29, 2013 at 3:25 PM

    Its nice they were able to practice their number crunching skills and get the mean and median but if he's supposed to eat the whole lot, what the fuck difference does it make?

  48. Posted by No One | January 29, 2013 at 3:31 PM

    Great insight.

  49. Posted by B. Frank | January 29, 2013 at 3:35 PM

    The snickers will do in him.
    Fixed it for you.

  50. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2013 at 3:56 PM

    At the very least give us statistics around his choices for the 30 item min to avoid a penalty (e.g., how to minimize sodium at 30 items)

  51. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2013 at 3:58 PM

    Under the New York State CLE Program Rules you are exempt from New York’s CLE requirement if, during your biennial reporting cycle, you do not practice law in New York. 22 NYCRR § 1500.5(b)(1).

  52. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2013 at 4:17 PM

    How does this statement get +>30 from people who purportedly work in finance?

  53. Posted by Former Fat Kid | January 29, 2013 at 4:20 PM


  54. Posted by Turnip Truck | January 29, 2013 at 4:40 PM

    Eh. If he practiced at all while at GS, he hasn't been inactive for his whole cycle. If he didn't, he paid ~$350 or so for effectively worthless optionality, which is frankly more shocking.

  55. Posted by Concerned Citizen | January 29, 2013 at 4:53 PM

    This poor man needs a juice fast.

  56. Posted by +47 | January 29, 2013 at 4:55 PM

    Shutup nerd. He mocked UBS!

  57. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2013 at 5:14 PM

    Probably because those +>50 people didn't work with you on UBS's fixed income desk

  58. Posted by Rodskog | January 29, 2013 at 5:16 PM

    I hope I die

  59. Posted by Dealbroker | January 29, 2013 at 8:12 PM

    I agree. It's not even mocking UBS if the insult doesn't make sense. In what world is an "asymmetric payoff" necessarily bad, and what makes a payoff asymmetrical. What if the payoff reflected the odds perfectly, does that make it symmetric? What kind of trader then would ever enter a bet that is symmetric, since every trader thinks he has an edge.

  60. Posted by Flo | January 29, 2013 at 9:14 PM

    Thank you

    – C. Whiz

  61. Posted by Thedoctorisin | January 29, 2013 at 9:32 PM

    Enjoy the early onset diabetes

  62. Posted by Relax motherfuker | January 30, 2013 at 9:00 PM

    It's a joke. For fucks sake.