First Food Eating Challenge Of 2013: Underway

It’s another vending machine challenge and you know how we feel about those (too much time, not enough food, doesn’t put hair on anyone’s chest) BUT it does involve a contract (described as “amazing” by the half of Dealbreaker that was at one time licensed to practice law in New York1), the terms of which state that in the event of a loss, the loser will pay for a lunch he’s not invited to, so we’ve got award points for that.

Updates will be provided here throughout the day. Thus far:

8:30am: “Comes out swinging and takes down the Pop Tarts right away”
8:40am: “Hammers the Famous Amos chocolate chip and Grandma’s oatmeal raisin cookies”
8:45am: “Elfin animal crackers gone”
9:00am: “Duplex cookies done”
9:15am: “Jack Link’s jerky is done, started working on the Twizzlers – gonna chip away at those throughout the day”
9:20am: “Popped a wintergreen breath savers to freshen things up”
9:32am: “Moving onto chocolate – Hershey’s candy bar in process”
9:40am: “He’s confident, not full, but mouth is getting a little dry. Currently working his way through the potato skins.”
9:45am: “His breathing is getting noticeably heavier – there’s also some sweat on his forehead he says is from ‘working out’ this morning.”
10:25am: Participant: “I’m starting to get kind of a numb feeling in my mouth.”
11:02am: “Just punished the Twizzlers. 12 items down, total calories consumed so far = 3,600”
11:08am: “Feeling a little bloated; having trouble annunciating words.”
11:19am: Participant: “I’m getting kind of full. Not full-full, I’ve been fuller, but I think I got the hard stuff out of the way.” [looks at Twix and Snickers] “Those things are gonna suck.”
11:27am: “These peanut butter cups are going down a little hard.”
11:32am: “Just topped 4,000 calories”
11:46am: Controversy as a few popcorn kernels fall to the ground, should they be eaten?
11:48am: Kernels have been consumed
12:00pm: Participant: “Feeling confident but dehydrated. I think I’m on pace to do this.”
12:18pm: “Sweating more profusely now”
12:35pm: “First pack of gum consumed, followed by Taco Doritos (???)”
1:10pm: “Nineteen items down. Might be hitting a wall – really struggling now, he looks like hell.”
He’s got his designated final 4 pieces set up for him to get to 30. Not looking promising, although he may get there.
2:14pm: “0.000% of getting to all 39 items. He still has 5 bags of chips at least, trail mix, among others…”
2:28pm: Participant: “I’m so full I could burst. I can’t stand the taste of sugar or salt right now.”
2:30pm: 23 items down, 2 more in process. Totals consumed so far: 5620 calories (269% DV), 209g of fat (308% DV), and 5915g of sodium (246% DV)
2:48pm: “Game over – he throws in the towel after 25.5 items. Looks like we’ll be taking that credit card to lunch after all…”
2:52pm: Participant: “I can’t even laugh about this. Everything hurts. I’m going home.”

Vending Machine Challenge Final Results [PDF]
Vending Machine Challenge Contract [PDF]
Vending Machine Contents/Calories/Etc [PDF]
1. Matt says: “Technically I think I’m still licensed, just certifying that I’m not practicing. Not like I’ve been disbarred or anything.”

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62 Responses to “First Food Eating Challenge Of 2013: Underway”

  1. Ackman says:

    6.5 hours? The challengers should have asked for Schmuck Insurance.

  2. Herb Schmertz says:

    3.75 cents per calorie consumed? The only schmuck I see is the challengee.

  3. Clevon Little says:

    How many margs before Mattski gets disbarred?

  4. EPLS says:

    Easy peasy lemon squeezy

  5. Turnip Truck says:

    3:1 odds? Really? Even with a full half-hour clawback period that seems excessive.

    Also, if you're not going to those CLEs, Matt, you're not licensed anymore.

  6. Burn it says:

    HAHAHAHAAHAH! Bess said half of the DB team so its only MATT and BESS! NOT Shazar! HAHAHAHA BUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRNNN

  7. Chris Christie says:

    Eating challenge?? This looks like a typical pre-second lunch snack.

  8. Aquila Braintrust says:

    Drab cubicle, $15 cap on lunch expense/person, central standard time noted……….It's either Tenaska or MidAmerica. Might be Buffett.

  9. Fatty says:

    Need more non-depressing articles like this

  10. Guest says:

    You could feed an entire floor at 299 Park Ave with that

  11. Goob says:

    Does he need to swallow the gum or just chew till the flavor is gone?

  12. Curious Ruminant says:

    If he successfully re-eats what he regurgitates, does that still count as non-permitted regurgitation?

  13. Laurie says:

    Haha this really perked up my day, though I'm pretty sure consuming so much sugar and e numbers would quickly bring me right back down again.

  14. nnn says:

    the Twizzlers and Mints will be his undoing.

    Nothing to see here.

  15. Guest says:

    I'm imagining Matt holding up his index finger while he corrected Bess on his license.

  16. Name says:

    Weak performance. Shoulda finished everything but the gum and mints before lunch.

  17. Mercury says:

    A food challenge simply isn't a food challenge without some form of liquid cheese product.

    Just sayin'.

  18. MakeHimSwallow says:

    Asked above but what are the gum rules?

  19. Christie says:

    Sweating profusely after 3,600 calories is the NKI…

  20. Guest says:

    The beef jerky stats on the list can't be for the entire package…they need to update for serving size.

  21. heywood says:

    $350 what a dumb azz… should have asked for a grand

  22. Zoroz says:

    Missing the huge honey buns and cinnamon rolls, pikers. Anyone can eat 20 vend-sized rice crispy packs.

  23. Perkins Maxwell says:

    loophole in the contract: If he pukes it up but still finishes the items, he doesn't receive the Fee Amount, but the participants don't get lunch.

    Also: nice job to the two guys who only staked half as much dough but are still entitled to an equal share of the reward lunch if they win.

  24. Michael Moore says:

    Why is the first course the only one pictured?

  25. Laxbro says:

    $15 a head for lunch? Woah, these Big Ten ballers can totally splurge with a pair of premium signature items for Panera's You Pick 2™. You know what they say in the Midwest, "turkey avocado's for closers".

  26. Capital one says:

    Credit Card use by someone other than the cardholder is not best practice.

  27. Kellogg's says:

    There is no shot he's able to put down the Rice Krispie treat down if he's leaving that to the end.

  28. Turtle McGee says:

    Are you commenting about things happening in advance? Last update at 11:46am, which includes a comment that kernels were eaten at 11:48am.

  29. spiderbro says:


    So UBS does have an office in the midwest…

  30. theShizznitt says:

    Risk of $50 loss for $15 max gain? I haven't seen such a group of asymmetrical payoff seekers since they blew out the UBS fixed income desk.

  31. Sarah says:

    The snickers will do him in

  32. Im_a_Dude says:

    Its nice they were able to practice their number crunching skills and get the mean and median but if he's supposed to eat the whole lot, what the fuck difference does it make?

  33. Former Fat Kid says:


  34. Concerned Citizen says:

    This poor man needs a juice fast.

  35. Rodskog says:

    I hope I die

  36. Thedoctorisin says:

    Enjoy the early onset diabetes