Opening Bell

Opening Bell: 01.02.13

Congress Passes Fiscal Cliff Deal (WSJ)
Congress broke a rancorous stalemate Tuesday to pass legislation designed to avert the so-called fiscal cliff. But the compromise bill, which blocked most impending tax increases and postponed spending cuts largely by raising taxes on upper-income Americans, left a host of issues unresolved and guaranteed continued budget clashes between the parties…The far-reaching agreement will have lasting implications for the tax code, future budget battles and the balance of power in Washington. It raises income-tax rates for the first time in almost two decades and fulfills Mr. Obama’s signature campaign promise to prevent rates from rising on the middle class. Not since 1991 has a Republican in Congress supported such a move—a challenge to its brand as the antitax party. In policy terms, it permanently codifies most of the tax rates that were set only temporarily in the Bush era. After years of failed efforts, the bill permanently keeps the middle class from being hit by the alternative minimum tax, a 1960s edifice intended only for America’s wealthiest.

After fiscal win, Obama warns Congress on debt fight (Reuters)
Speaking after winning a “fiscal cliff” victory, President Barack Obama vowed on Tuesday to avoid a repeat of last year’s divisive fight with Congress over an extension of the nation’s borrowing authority. “While I will negotiate over many things, I will not have another debate with this Congress about whether or not they should pay the bills they have already racked up,” Obama said in remarks in the White House. He urged “a little less drama” in coming budget talks about cutting government spending.

Bond Tab for Biggest Economies Seen Falling $220 Billion (Bloomberg)
The amount of bills, notes and bonds coming due for the Group of Seven nations plus Brazil, Russia, India and China will drop to $7.38 trillion from $7.60 trillion in 2012, according to data compiled by Bloomberg. Japan, the U.K., Germany, France, Italy and Brazil will see a decline, while the U.S., Canada, Russia, India and China will face an increase.

Hedge Fund Industry Loses Out Again (FT)
Bearish hedge fund managers have lost out in 2012, with the $2 trillion industry suffering another year of disappointing returns as traders were wrongfooted by a change in fortunes for the euro zone. According to Hedge Fund Research, slight gains in December were likely to mean the average hedge fund manager made just more than 5 percent over the year – a period watched closely by many investors after disappointing returns in 2011, when the average hedge fund lost 5 percent. Flows into the industry are also expected to have slowed markedly, hit by a wave of high-profile closures. The first 9 months of last year saw hedge funds pull in a net $30 billion from investors, compared with $70 billion in 2011. As with 2011, the euro zone crisis dominated most funds’ trading. Global macro funds, which aim to profit from shifts in economic sentiment, were among the hardest hit, entering a second year of losses for investors…Bearish managers fared worst, as the euro zone avoided a costly breakup even though it fell back into recession in 2012. Comac, a London-based macro hedge fund, was down 8.9 percent for the year in mid-November. So-called “tail risk” funds, which aim to profit in times of market dislocation, also suffered. The $2 billion Capula tail risk fund, the world’s largest so-called “black swan” trader, had lost 14 percent by November. Other notable losses for the year included those of John Paulson, the hedge fund manager who made billions shorting U.S. subprime mortgages in 2007. Mr Paulson’s flagship Advantage Plus fund lost more than 20 percent in 2012, compounding losses of more than 50 percent the previous year.

Crime Forfeiture Pays for U.S. Attorney’s Office (Sometimes in Dinosaur Bones) (Dealbook)
In the last year, the government’s prosecutorial branch in Manhattan has taken in about $160 million from an online poker operation and more than $2 billion from a failed Ponzi scheme. Last week, it even secured a Tyrannosaurus skeleton from Mongolia valued at more than $1 million. This business is the asset forfeiture unit of the United States attorney’s office in Manhattan. In 2012, the unit recovered about $3 billion in crime proceeds — the largest amount ever recovered by a single United States attorney’s office since the Justice Department established the asset forfeiture program four decades ago. It also accounts for 68 percent of the national total last year from the country’s 93 United States attorney’s offices, according to government figures…last year’s most exotic forfeiture action involved the Mongolian dinosaur case. Last week, a paleontologist admitted to illegally shipping dinosaur fossils to the United States from Asia. As part of a plea agreement, the paleontologist, Eric Prokopi, agreed to forfeit a Tyrannosaurus skeleton that had been put up for auction for more than $1 million, along with five other dinosaur skeletons. The fossils will be returned to the Mongolian government; Mr. Prokopi faces a possible prison sentence. The reptile remnants represent just a fraction of the 2012 forfeiture proceeds secured by Mr. Bharara and his colleagues — proceeds that amounted to more than 60 times the office’s annual budget. “As I like to joke,” Mr. Bharara said, “that’s a lot better than the investment return of any hedge fund.”

Man calls cops to report home invasion, is arrested on pot-growing charges (OS)
Shane Lawrence, 54, was arrested about 4 a.m. on charges of cultivating marijuana, possession of more than 20 grams of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia. Lawrence told deputies that two men had broken into his home on Fleming Court in Palm Coast and tried to rob him, the Sheriff’s Office said. Fleming gave deputies permission to search inside, they said. That’s when investigators said they found a spare bedroom and a bathroom set up as grow rooms with lights and pot-growing chemicals. Deputies confiscated 110 marijuana plants. They could have produced 55 pounds with a street value of $44,000, investigators said.

Banks Near Foreclosure Deal (WSJ)
Banks are hashing out a $10 billion settlement with federal regulators to halt a lengthy process of reviewing thousands of foreclosure cases for errors, after both sides concluded it was too expensive and not delivering enough assistance, according to people familiar with the discussions.

Top Goldman Sachs execs get shares on New Year’s Eve (Reuters)
Ten senior Goldman Sachs Group Inc (GS.N) executives, including Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein, were on New Year’s Eve given stock pegged to earlier restricted awards worth tens of millions of dollars. The executives, which also include Chief Operating Officer Gary Cohn, Vice Chairmen Michael Evans and John Weinberg, Global Head of Human Capital Management Edith Cooper, Chief of Staff John Rogers, General Counsel Greg Palm, Global Head of Compliance Alan Cohen, and Chief Accounting Officer Sarah Smith, got a total of 508,104 shares, according to multiple filings late Monday with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. These executives sold 245,838 of those shares to cover tax obligations, and held on to the rest, which were worth $33.1 million. The shares were sold at a price of $126.24 on Monday.

Time For BofA To Bid Warren Buffett Adieu? (WSJ)
BofA investors are hankering for a return of capital: Buying back stock now would be accretive to earnings since the shares trade below tangible book value. But BofA is likely to be conservative on this front. Two years ago, its request was rebuffed by the Fed, leaving Chief Executive Brian Moynihan with egg on his face. This time around, analysts expect the bank may ask the Fed’s permission for a slight dividend increase along with modest buyback authority. “BofA seems to recognize that it is still in the early stages of proving its turnaround to both regulators and Wall Street,” John McDonald of Sanford C. Bernstein wrote in a recent note.

In IPO Cleanup, India Weighs A Refund Plan (WSJ)
India’s capital-markets regulator is taking steps to tame what has been one of the world’s wildest IPO markets, with plans including forcing companies’ founders to reimburse small investors for some losses. The goal is to convince investors that the stock market is a safe place for their savings. In the first 11 months of 2012, investors pulled out a net total of nearly $2 billion from equity mutual funds, which are used mainly by individuals. “There was a feeling in this country that many IPOs are manipulated,” U.K. Sinha, chairman of the Securities & Exchange Board of India, said in an interview.

Billionaires Worth $1.9 Trillion Seek ‘Advantage’ in 2013 (Bloomberg)
The richest people on the planet got even richer in 2012, adding $241 billion to their collective net worth, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index, a daily ranking of the world’s 100 wealthiest individuals…“Last year was a great one for the world’s billionaires,” said John Catsimatidis, the billionaire owner of Red Apple Group Inc., in an e-mail written poolside on his BlackBerry in the Bahamas. “In 2013, they will continue looking for investments around the world — and not necessarily in U.S. — that will give them an advantage.”

Hugh Hefner Marries His Runaway Bride (Reuters)
Octogenarian Playboy founder Hugh Hefner briefly swapped his iconic silk pajamas for a tuxedo to marry Crystal Harris, the one-time “runaway bride” who followed through this time at a New Year’s Eve wedding. “Happy New Year from Mr. and Mrs. Hugh Hefner!” the Playboy magazine publisher tweeted early on Tuesday. The message accompanied a photograph of Hefner, 86, wearing what appeared to be purple silk pajamas under a black bathrobe and snuggling his bride, 26, still wearing her pale pink wedding dress. He also wore his trademark captain’s hat. An hour earlier, Hefner posted a picture of himself in a tuxedo with his bride under an arch of pink and white flowers at the wedding ceremony in the Playboy Mansion in Beverly Hills, California. “Crystal & I married on New Year’s Eve in the Mansion with Keith as my Best Man. Love that girl!” Hefner wrote on Twitter with the picture, referring to his brother Keith Hefner, a songwriter. The couple tied the knot more than a year after their planned 2011 wedding was scuttled when Harris got cold feet. The blonde Playboy Playmate of the Month for December 2009 jettisoned the adult entertainment mogul in what was called a “change of heart” five days before a lavish June 2011 wedding before 300 guests. Harris, who appeared on the July 2011 cover of the adult magazine with a “runaway bride” sticker covering her bottom half, tweeted on Monday that she was ready to commit and changed her name to “Crystal Hefner” on the micro-blogging site.

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39 Responses to “Opening Bell: 01.02.13”

  1. Flexableflyertoo says:

    Get the date right!

  2. Sgt Gunney says:

    Get the FUCK! UP! You hungover worthless FUCKS! Time to start a whole new year of tape painting.

  3. Guest says:

    Stupid Mongolians !

  4. VonSloneker says:

    Crystal…why don't you come over to the pink section? You need to avoid anything white, lest the entire church be reduced to laughter.

    – VP "You're Damaged Goods" Line, Bridesmart

  5. Guest says:

    1) Open the door
    2) Get on the floor
    3) Everybody grab the dinosaur!
    4) Profit?

    -E. Prokopi

  6. Evil David Letterman says:

    Hey, if I can say just one thing. If a woman tells you she is a germaphobe (aka mysophobia), she probably won’t do ass to mouth.

  7. Shecky Benton says:

    Police found Hugh Hefner at a Hollywood intersection sobbing and crying. "What's wrong Mr. Hefner?" asked an officer. Hugh replied, "I got married recently to a 26 year old nude model!" "Well…." the officer responded, "why would you be upset about that?"

    Hef sobs, "I can't remember how to get home!"

  8. Rodney Cohn says:

    An older UBS managing director married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and, by birthright, all women are entitled to at least one climax during sex. So they went to see a doctor.

    The doctor tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the doctor says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the doctor.

    The doctor says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the UBS managing director wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other.

    When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, you idiot! That's how you wave a towel!"

  9. Guest says:

    “increase in tax rates for individuals making more than $400,000 and couples with incomes over $450,000”

    We are happy to say this will not affect any of our employees.


  10. Jorje Soarass says:

    A 70 year old billionaire hedge fund owner got engaged to a busty 22 year old beauty queen. His friend, a powerful senator on the Senate Banking Committee, asked him how he did it. "Did you lie about you age and tell her you were 50?"

    The hedge fund billionaire answered, "Actually, I did lie……. but I told her I was 98 years old!"

  11. Flo says:

    A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

    The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

    Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

    • Guest says:

      People still ask for a million dollars in genie jokes?

      –Guy who thinks joke dollar amounts need COLAs

  12. James S. Cramer says:

    "snuggling his bride, 26, still wearing her pale pink wedding dress"


    –JIMBO <3

  13. st. copious says:

    "Hedge Fund Industry Loses Out"


    -Hedge fund industry underperforming the SPDR but earning 2% on 10 figure AUMs

  14. Hugo Chavez says:

    You people are so lame, I might die out of boredom.

  15. Parzival says:

    no one's going to comment on the shit quality of 55 pounds of weed only going for 44,000?

  16. inlovewithpmco says:

    whos got the kind bud?

  17. Sgt Gunney says:

    Well done you MAGGOTS! Another win in the can, now go jack off at the strip joint.

  18. sohbet says:

    bal Head of Marketing at Liquidnet
    New York, New York (Greater New York City Area) Financial Service