Opening Bell: 01.31.13

Deutsche Bank Swings To A $2.9 Billion Loss (WSJ)
In the fourth quarter alone, the bank took €2.9 billion in charges, €1 billion of which was for “litigation-related charges.” Mr. Jain said the charges “relate to developments in regulatory investigations and adverse court rulings which you are all familiar with,” but didn’t elaborate further. Deutsche Bank is currently embroiled in a number of legal disputes on both sides of the Atlantic, including the decade-long legal battle in the 2002 bankruptcy of Germany’s Kirch Media Group. It is also among the banks that are under official investigation for allegedly rigging interbank benchmark rates, including the London Interbank Offered Rate. The rest of the quarter’s charges were mainly related to losses from businesses bought before 2003, such as Bankers Trust and Scudder in the U.S., and impairments related to its investment in the Cosmopolitan Resort in Las Vegas and Maher Terminals in North America, which it put into an internal bad bank. The quarter’s net loss of €2.17 billion compares with a profit of €147 million a year earlier. For the full year, net profit was €611 million, down from €4.13 billion.

Deutsche Bank Beats Capital Goal as Jain Shrugs Off Loss (Bloomberg)
“We’ve galvanized Deutsche Bank around the achievement of our capital targets,” Jain, 50, said on a conference call with analysts. The loss “reflects a number of decisions we took to position Deutsche Bank,” he said.

Barclays, RBS May Pay Billions Over Improper Derivatives Sales (Bloomberg)
The lenders, including Lloyds Banking Group Plc and HSBC Holdings Plc, have set aside around 740 million pounds to cover the claims. Analysts say the total charges for the industry may be much higher than that after the Financial Services Authority said it found “serious failings” in reviews of product sales.

SAC And Elan Blasted By Investor Who Lost Nest Egg (NYP)
Ronald Weiland realized he’d made a bad bet in 2008, when he lost his $1 million nest egg trading shares of drug company Elan. What he didn’t know then was that the cards were stacked against him. Weiland now believes that he and other investors were played by Steve Cohen’s SAC Capital Advisors when the hedge fund giant — acting on information from a former trader accused of insider trading — abruptly dumped its huge long position in Elan and Wyeth and started shorting both stocks. “They had information that I didn’t have access to,” said Weiland, a 53-year-old former consultant for Arthur Andersen. “It’s totally a matter of seeing very wealthy people being able to game the system.” The big trading swing that netted $276 million for SAC and led to the arrest of former trader Mathew Martoma has also landed the firm in hot water. Elan investors have filed at least two lawsuits against SAC, accusing the firm of costing them millions, and several class-action law firms are looking to tee up more.

US Targeting Tax Evasion (WSJ)
On Monday, a federal judge in New York approved an Internal Revenue Service summons demanding still more records from UBS. According to court filings, the government now is focusing on U.S. taxpayers with accounts at smaller Swiss banks that didn’t have U.S. branches but served customers through a UBS account in Stamford, Conn.

Interactive Map: What NYC Neighborhoods Have The Most Public Drinking Complaints? (Gothamist)
Greenpoint, Williamsburg, the Lower East Side, Hamilton Heights, East Harlem and Washington Heights are the worst offenders—on the other hand, almost no one is getting in trouble in Midtown, the Financial District, Red Hook, Dumbo, and the Upper East and West Sides. Since we already know there can be a a historical correlation between public drinking and public urinating (and sometimes only the urinating part is public), we decided to look at public urination complaints too…Some conclusions from this comparison: Midtown East and Chelsea have way more urination complaints than drinking ones. Union Square, Greenpoint and Randalls Island are also urinary offenders. It seems like nobody on Staten Island cares about people urinating on their lawns, and same goes for anywhere west of East Flushing.

Blackstone Swings To Fourth Quarter Profit (WSJ)
As of the quarter’s end, total assets under management reached a record $210.22 billion, up 26% from the year earlier, as all of Blackstone’s investment businesses continued to see net inflows and carrying-value appreciation…Blackstone posted a profit of $106.4 million, or 19 cents a unit, compared with a year-earlier loss of $22.7 million, or five cents a unit. On the basis of so-called economic net income, the firm reported a profit of 59 cents a unit, versus a profit of 42 cents a unit a year earlier. Analysts surveyed by Thomson Reuters recently expected a per-share profit of 47 cents.

Ackman Ahead In Herbalife Bet (NYP)
Ackman has scored a gross profit of about $260 million on his $1 billion short bet against the nutritional supplements company, based on an estimated 20 million shares shorted at an average price of $50. Loeb, who bought 8.9 million shares at an average price of $32, is up $44.5 million. Ackman has widened his lead considerably. Just two weeks ago, his gross gain stood closer to $120 million while Loeb had made an estimated $108 million.

Threats Cloud Euro’s Flight (WSJ)
The euro, once on death’s door, is on a monthslong tear, rising Wednesday to its highest level since November 2011. But even some investors who helped propel the currency above $1.3560 Wednesday say it can’t fly much further. Europe’s economy is still in the doldrums, they say, and a stronger euro could make the situation worse. And with central banks elsewhere racing to push down their own currencies, boosting the relative value of the euro, the European Central Bank eventually could be compelled to join them.

Jobless Claims in U.S. Rose 38,000 Last Week to 368,000 (Bloomberg)
Economists forecast 350,000 filings, according to the Bloomberg survey median. The increase followed a combined 45,000 drop in the prior two weeks.

Guy Inadvertently Posts Public YouTube Video Inviting His Fiancée’s Best Friend Over for a Threeway (Gawker)
We’ve all been there. You’re super excited after getting the go ahead from your fiancée Cynthia to invite her best friend Zoey over for a threeway, so you hastily record a video introducing yourself to Zoey and letting her know that you’re totally open to having a threeway this week, next week, the week after that, whenever, anytime, today, or maybe tomorrow, whenever possible, and you’re just really excited to show her things that she’s never seen and do things that were never done before in a threeway. Then you hastily upload the video to your public YouTube account that 300 people are subscribed to, and await your threeway.

45 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
Show all comments ↓

Comments (45)

  1. Posted by Nervous German | January 31, 2013 at 9:57 AM

    Was pretty nervous heading into that earnings call.

  2. Posted by Guest | January 31, 2013 at 9:59 AM

    Market it a less than zero Donnie

  3. Posted by MD in Need | January 31, 2013 at 9:59 AM

    Do female coworkers ever initiate sex with their superior, or must they always be wooed, sweet-talked, begged or persuaded? I have a fairly good physical relationship with my wife, but over the past few years, I have focused on recruiting mainly attractive females as side pieces. I make sure to attend as many recruiting events as possible so I can put hot faces to names. I always held the notion that the only reason hot chicks get hired is due to their looks and must reward their manager with sexual favors in return. Does this notion not hold true anymore? My one Associate always smiles and says hi to me, but she has never made an advancement into my personal space, or demanded that she sits on my face while forcing me to believe in false gods. I am left with the conclusion that either the physical act isn't that enjoyable for her or I am not very desirable. Maybe she has an enlarged clitoris and is embarrassed because of it; I simply don’t know. If every encounter must start with me I mine-as-well stay faithful to my wife. Must sex always start with the guy, or can women demonstrate more overt interest and start justifying their employment?

  4. Posted by You Are a Moron | January 31, 2013 at 10:01 AM

    So this guy was betting his life savings on a pharma stock and was shocked, shocked he says when that didn't work out well? Well, seems that if it weren't for SAC I'm sure he'd be doing just fine, another proud alumni of the consulting industry.

  5. Posted by guest | January 31, 2013 at 10:01 AM

    Shut up.

  6. Posted by Deleveraging | January 31, 2013 at 10:04 AM

    Lets think about this. Your invitation for a three way goes viral; wouldn't make sense that the potential for positive RSVPs would likewise grow exponentially?

  7. Posted by Back to Future Guy | January 31, 2013 at 10:05 AM

    Hey there middle aged N'08!

  8. Posted by Latin Scholar | January 31, 2013 at 10:08 AM

    us i o um o
    i orum is os is

  9. Posted by Guest | January 31, 2013 at 10:10 AM

    SAC gunna burn……SAC gunna burn…..

    -Stevie "Lil Nero" Cohen

  10. Posted by Deleveraging | January 31, 2013 at 10:12 AM

    Urination Complaints: well we learned on episode 4 of Girls that chicks living in Bushwick like to pee in their own bath water.

  11. Posted by Guest | January 31, 2013 at 10:16 AM

    He also just advertised that he has the best fiancée once could ask for. Girls I date get upset and cry when I hit on their friends.

  12. Posted by Matt Levine Esq | January 31, 2013 at 10:16 AM

    Ditch the Bitch! For the low cost of only $300 I will handle your Absolute Divorce! Satisfaction guaranteed or you can punch Jon Shazar in the nuts!

  13. Posted by Indian Rapper | January 31, 2013 at 10:18 AM

    You still can't buy bottles with Starwood points.

  14. Posted by NakedShort | January 31, 2013 at 10:18 AM

    you should try cheating on your wife….with your wife. its a real treat

  15. Posted by 5 year old | January 31, 2013 at 10:26 AM

    Don't put all your eggs in one basket

  16. Posted by I'm a Cellphone Bill | January 31, 2013 at 10:28 AM

    Free on nights and weekends, with no discernible skills?

  17. Posted by UBS Risk Mgmt | January 31, 2013 at 10:29 AM

    Are you interested in an internship this summer, maybe even come in and work a few hours after kindergarten?

  18. Posted by Guest | January 31, 2013 at 10:36 AM

    Has it ever occured to you that you're ugly and chicks don't find you attractive?

  19. Posted by PermaGuestII | January 31, 2013 at 10:37 AM

    Reserving judgment until I see pictures of Cynthia and Zoey.

  20. Posted by 5 year old | January 31, 2013 at 10:37 AM

    My mom said I'm GS material.

  21. Posted by Sic Transit Sac | January 31, 2013 at 10:46 AM

    Your reflective sense of "dumbass" is impressive.

  22. Posted by guest | January 31, 2013 at 10:48 AM

    So… the box is half empty?
    -UBS Corporate Logo Quant

  23. Posted by WSJ Style Editor | January 31, 2013 at 10:49 AM

    I think the noun is "threesome". "Threeway" is probably tense related. I know I'd be.

  24. Posted by Jon T. Shazner | January 31, 2013 at 10:50 AM

    Hey !

  25. Posted by Dec Mini | January 31, 2013 at 10:51 AM

    I thought those were your cats

  26. Posted by Matt Levine | January 31, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    Mine too!

  27. Posted by Seth | January 31, 2013 at 10:53 AM

    but this drug helps premature babies develop properly!

  28. Posted by Texashedge | January 31, 2013 at 11:02 AM

    Threeway. Threesome is what happens when it's ten minutes to tee time and someone flakes at the last minute. I guess at some courses in the Florida keys it could be both.

  29. Posted by guest | January 31, 2013 at 11:17 AM

    oh neat, it's the bonobro loser from above the law. good to know your mom hasn't taken away your desktop privileges. go away.

  30. Posted by Guest | January 31, 2013 at 11:21 AM

    My name is Col. Steveem Cohesh. Iron Eagle, prepare to die.

  31. Posted by guest | January 31, 2013 at 11:29 AM

    I am convinced Girls is only on tv to rile up the blogosphere, i.e. 90% of its viewers watch it out of disdain. ratings would spike if hbo forced the obnoxious fat one to jump off the brooklyn bridge.

  32. Posted by guest | January 31, 2013 at 11:32 AM

    comment of year, thus far +1

  33. Posted by Latin Scholar | January 31, 2013 at 11:44 AM

    Tua mater bonam capitam dat.

  34. Posted by New Jersey | January 31, 2013 at 11:49 AM

    or just STOP GETTING NAKED

  35. Posted by guest | January 31, 2013 at 11:55 AM

    all of my three ways happened organically, i.e. post a large consumption of jungle juice and/or various narcotics. not that I'm an expert in this regard, but it seems hazardous to pressure your fiancée into this. I infer that a successful three way is best pitched to a girl you just started seeing, during that stage of the a relationship that is "fun," i.e. before something gross like "love" would cause the girl to take issue with you entering her friend. I picture a Ross v. Rachel dramatic “you're a totally different person to me now. I can't stop picturing you with her. it's changed everything forever" scene following the three way you pressure your fiancée into.

    -tuck business bridge (applicant)

  36. Posted by Gabby Giffords | January 31, 2013 at 12:17 PM

    hee haw

  37. Posted by cogg diss | January 31, 2013 at 12:22 PM

    So your saying you pissed on her.

  38. Posted by Mike Larson | January 31, 2013 at 12:26 PM

    "<img src=""http://www.ladyoffice.com/new/images/yue.jpg""/&gt; don't be, can only have good things coming, hehe<img src=""http://www.ladyoffice.com/new/images/lyue.jpg""/&gt;
    "

  39. Posted by el invitado | January 31, 2013 at 12:43 PM

    You're in the fourth quadrant, but you still aren't my dog

  40. Posted by Puck It | January 31, 2013 at 1:00 PM

    Three-way is this, at least to some misguided souls in flyover country:
    http://dailycrave.wordpress.com/2010/10/06/cincin

  41. Posted by Laxbro | January 31, 2013 at 1:15 PM

    Luke from Modern Family >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> cast of Girls

  42. Posted by PermaGuestII | January 31, 2013 at 1:28 PM

    "If you want to know the way to a Cincinnatian’s heart, take them to a Bengals football game, and then give them a good old-fashioned three-way"

    No comment.

  43. Posted by Catullus | January 31, 2013 at 3:42 PM

    "Irrumat" is the word you are looking for.

  44. Posted by Josef | January 31, 2013 at 5:50 PM

    Why? You outsourced the CEO job to India so just blame him.

  45. Posted by best essays | March 19, 2013 at 2:52 PM

    Banks maintain loan portfolios. If a few of a bank's clients in a particular industry recently defaulted on their loans, that bank will restrict its lending to other companies in that industry and sometimes, sister industries.