Suspending disbelief for a moment and pretending this scenario* actually occurred in real life…

I am a 22-year-old man working at a new job on Wall Street. My boss is a very attractive 30-year-old woman. We happen to exercise at the same gym at the same time. We both swim, and the first time we ran into each other, she was wearing a one-piece bathing suit, and I was wearing a classic Speedo. I saw her look me up and down. The next week, she started wearing a thong bikini. Isn’t this a power thing?

…any ideas?

Poolside Manners [NYT via DI]
*Which sounds strikingly similar– though edited for length– to the fictional cries for help left daily on Opening Bell.

48 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (48)

  1. Posted by SellingLow | February 8, 2013 at 12:21 PM

    Lynn Tilton isn't 30 you idiot.

  2. Posted by el guesto | February 8, 2013 at 12:22 PM

    or attractive

  3. Posted by Lance | February 8, 2013 at 12:23 PM

    You lost all credibility once you admitted to wearing a classic Speedo…..Next

  4. Posted by L. K. | February 8, 2013 at 12:25 PM

    Reminds me of Bear Stearns board room dynamics circa 1994.

  5. Posted by Guest | February 8, 2013 at 12:25 PM

    I’m calling BS. Shazar would never wear a Speedo, though I'm sure Bess would don a thong.

  6. Posted by FKApmco | February 8, 2013 at 12:27 PM

    Yes, it's a power thing and you aren't winning.

  7. Posted by BallThings | February 8, 2013 at 12:32 PM

    have a nut hang out…your move

  8. Posted by Snow Date! | February 8, 2013 at 12:37 PM

    hairy nut.

  9. Posted by BallThings2 | February 8, 2013 at 12:44 PM

    The ultimate power move

  10. Posted by Van Beek | February 8, 2013 at 12:46 PM

    These conditions generally indicate an invitation for the male to initiate the mating ritual.

    — UBS courtship display quant

  11. Posted by Little Fritz | February 8, 2013 at 12:50 PM

    Just hit it, one way or the other, you're gonna get fired.

  12. Posted by lucas | February 8, 2013 at 12:50 PM

    Of all the possible ways to deal with this, writing to the NYT advice column has to be the most beta.

  13. Posted by Monthly Payment | February 8, 2013 at 12:59 PM

    I was about to start my workout when the phone rang. It was the call I had been waiting for, while also dredging. The GS HR rep had asked if it was a good time, I reluctantly said yes. After 42 interviews, I finally got know if I had what it took to be GS material. Not to sound conceited, but I felt pretty good in the last interview just 3 days ago. Suddenly the HR rep said an emergency had come up and she would call me back. Oh well, at least I can start my workout, I thought.

    As I was heading to the pool, this gorgeous girl from last week walks past me. Something was different about her this week. She was in a thong. She stopped and looked me up and down, and gives me a slight grin. Reacting quickly, I pulled on my Speedo to allow my right testicle to hang freely. Suddenly my phone rings. It is the HR rep, but I fought my instincts and let it go to voicemail. When I look up the woman was gone. I scramble to call the HR rep back. Thankfully she answers after a few rings. She said I did well on today's interview and if I could come in tomorrow.

  14. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 1:01 PM


  15. Posted by Stop Shazar Now | February 8, 2013 at 1:02 PM

    Wait a second, didn't that just say Shazar? Is Shazar trying to steal Bess' identity?

  16. Posted by G-unit | February 8, 2013 at 1:10 PM

    Hey if I could just say one thing. If she's Asian and added a wink with the look up and down, she uh probably wants anal. Just an FYI.

  17. Posted by Guesto | February 8, 2013 at 1:23 PM

    You need to ask immediately if she is UBS – and if she will suck.

  18. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 1:23 PM

    "I saw her look me up and down." maybe

    "The next week, she started wearing a thong bikini." maybe

    "My boss [on Wall Street] is a very attractive 30-year-old woman." bullshit

  19. Posted by lloyd blankman | February 8, 2013 at 1:25 PM

    That or air drying.

  20. Posted by andrew ross sorkin | February 8, 2013 at 1:28 PM

    There can be only one.

  21. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    nut hanging out + cannonball from the high dive

  22. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 1:34 PM

    …after cannonball apologize to her, "sorry if I got you wet."

  23. Posted by Roger Podacter | February 8, 2013 at 1:41 PM

    Two problems:

    1) What 22 year old living in Fort Lee can afford Rebook/LA Sports Club or other gym with a pool?
    2) There are maybe 10-15 women in NYC that fit the bill–I'm calling BS

  24. Posted by PermaGuestII | February 8, 2013 at 1:44 PM

    Not nice of you to tease your underlings like that, you know.

  25. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 1:50 PM

    Last time I waited for a call while dredging, the water ruined my phone.

  26. Posted by NakedShort | February 8, 2013 at 1:53 PM

    Hey asshole you're supposed to stuff the stocks in the FRONT of your Speedo, not the back.

  27. Posted by Fort Lee Mayor | February 8, 2013 at 2:03 PM

    Many of you NY snobs assume erroneously that people living in NJ towns such as Jersey City and Fort Lee are of a lower economic stature. Things couldn't be further from the truth! Come to Fort Lee for a higher standard of living, less congestion, the ability to drive a car and a whole host of internet cafes and Korean BBQ restaurants.

    Just a bus ride away from uptown…

  28. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 2:13 PM

    $225/month to meet UWS cougs > $450 for bottle of ketel one to impress long island tramps

  29. Posted by Short, But Long | February 8, 2013 at 2:15 PM

    You had me sold at 'Bus Ride'. Why the hell am I wasting my time/money in NYC if I could take a bus here!? Oh right… cause I would have to take the bus.

  30. Posted by A. Weber | February 8, 2013 at 2:19 PM

    If she works at UBS that question answers itself, nein?

  31. Posted by Puck It | February 8, 2013 at 2:33 PM
  32. Posted by Motivated Guest | February 8, 2013 at 3:16 PM

    So, I guess we can rule out Castle Oak?

  33. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 3:30 PM

    I'm really disappointed that Laxbro felt he had to consult the Times on his fantasy dilemmas instead of relying on the commentariat here.

  34. Posted by Asian Laxbro | February 8, 2013 at 4:05 PM

    Hate to say he's somewhat right. My GF is Chinese and she told me the second richest man in China had an affair exposed and shipped himself and the family to Fort Lee to live in the US while the Chinese media frenzy died down. Nobody here knows who the hell he is and he damn well likes it that way.

  35. Posted by PermaGuestII | February 8, 2013 at 4:21 PM

    Pretty sure that if it was Laxbro telling the story he'd have taken her into the locker room and banged her doggy-style; the advice would be whether not answering her subsequent texts would be bad for his career.

  36. Posted by Not in sales | February 8, 2013 at 5:29 PM

    Has to be sales

  37. Posted by ICE | February 8, 2013 at 5:34 PM

    Yes. Very hard to tell them apart.

  38. Posted by Everyone | February 8, 2013 at 6:38 PM

    What's classic about a Speedo?

  39. Posted by Guest | February 8, 2013 at 8:10 PM


    – Men in France

  40. Posted by Chip Chipperson | February 8, 2013 at 10:57 PM

    I guess she looking for dicks or sumptin……

  41. Posted by RichardCripples | February 9, 2013 at 8:40 AM

    or a woman

  42. Posted by Mike Larson | February 9, 2013 at 11:53 AM

    <img src=""/&gt; LOL, does that include professional athletes?

  43. Posted by Guest | February 9, 2013 at 1:04 PM

    The odds of a woman wearing a thong bikini to swim laps at a gym are about the same for this guys story being true.

  44. Posted by Bob | February 9, 2013 at 9:43 PM

    This is obviously an untrue story. There are way too many details provided for this to be real. How many 22 year old Jims are there from Fort Lee, NJ with a 30 year-old female boss on Wall Street?

  45. Posted by guest | February 11, 2013 at 2:44 PM

    Agree. Even if he said Ft Lee only to disguise the fact that he lives somewhere else, the remaining specificity here would hang him.

  46. Posted by guest | February 11, 2013 at 2:47 PM

    The bus is maybe 10 mins, but unfortunately its from the A train at 175th Street. The views however are amazing.

  47. Posted by Guest | February 12, 2013 at 5:49 PM

    What about the Indian girl in Settlements at Jeffries with the huge cans?

  48. Posted by Guest | February 13, 2013 at 9:02 AM

    I hope Christopher Dorner picks you up hitchhiking