Financial Services Employee Asks New York Times For Help Decoding Hidden Message In Boss’s Thong

Suspending disbelief for a moment and pretending this scenario* actually occurred in real life…

I am a 22-year-old man working at a new job on Wall Street. My boss is a very attractive 30-year-old woman. We happen to exercise at the same gym at the same time. We both swim, and the first time we ran into each other, she was wearing a one-piece bathing suit, and I was wearing a classic Speedo. I saw her look me up and down. The next week, she started wearing a thong bikini. Isn’t this a power thing?

…any ideas?

Poolside Manners [NYT via DI]
*Which sounds strikingly similar– though edited for length– to the fictional cries for help left daily on Opening Bell.

(hidden for your protection)
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48 Responses to “Financial Services Employee Asks New York Times For Help Decoding Hidden Message In Boss’s Thong”

  1. SellingLow says:

    Lynn Tilton isn't 30 you idiot.

  2. Lance says:

    You lost all credibility once you admitted to wearing a classic Speedo…..Next

  3. L. K. says:

    Reminds me of Bear Stearns board room dynamics circa 1994.

  4. Guest says:

    I’m calling BS. Shazar would never wear a Speedo, though I'm sure Bess would don a thong.

  5. FKApmco says:

    Yes, it's a power thing and you aren't winning.

    • G-unit says:

      Hey if I could just say one thing. If she's Asian and added a wink with the look up and down, she uh probably wants anal. Just an FYI.

    • PermaGuestII says:

      Not nice of you to tease your underlings like that, you know.

  6. BallThings says:

    have a nut hang out…your move

    • Snow Date! says:

      hairy nut.

    • BallThings2 says:

      The ultimate power move

    • Monthly Payment says:

      I was about to start my workout when the phone rang. It was the call I had been waiting for, while also dredging. The GS HR rep had asked if it was a good time, I reluctantly said yes. After 42 interviews, I finally got know if I had what it took to be GS material. Not to sound conceited, but I felt pretty good in the last interview just 3 days ago. Suddenly the HR rep said an emergency had come up and she would call me back. Oh well, at least I can start my workout, I thought.

      As I was heading to the pool, this gorgeous girl from last week walks past me. Something was different about her this week. She was in a thong. She stopped and looked me up and down, and gives me a slight grin. Reacting quickly, I pulled on my Speedo to allow my right testicle to hang freely. Suddenly my phone rings. It is the HR rep, but I fought my instincts and let it go to voicemail. When I look up the woman was gone. I scramble to call the HR rep back. Thankfully she answers after a few rings. She said I did well on today's interview and if I could come in tomorrow.

    • guest says:

      nut hanging out + cannonball from the high dive

  7. Van Beek says:

    These conditions generally indicate an invitation for the male to initiate the mating ritual.

    — UBS courtship display quant

  8. Little Fritz says:

    Just hit it, one way or the other, you're gonna get fired.

  9. lucas says:

    Of all the possible ways to deal with this, writing to the NYT advice column has to be the most beta.

  10. Stop Shazar Now says:

    Wait a second, didn't that just say Shazar? Is Shazar trying to steal Bess' identity?

  11. Guesto says:

    You need to ask immediately if she is UBS – and if she will suck.

  12. guest says:

    "I saw her look me up and down." maybe

    "The next week, she started wearing a thong bikini." maybe

    "My boss [on Wall Street] is a very attractive 30-year-old woman." bullshit

  13. Roger Podacter says:

    Two problems:

    1) What 22 year old living in Fort Lee can afford Rebook/LA Sports Club or other gym with a pool?
    2) There are maybe 10-15 women in NYC that fit the bill–I'm calling BS

    • Fort Lee Mayor says:

      Many of you NY snobs assume erroneously that people living in NJ towns such as Jersey City and Fort Lee are of a lower economic stature. Things couldn't be further from the truth! Come to Fort Lee for a higher standard of living, less congestion, the ability to drive a car and a whole host of internet cafes and Korean BBQ restaurants.

      Just a bus ride away from uptown…

      • Short, But Long says:

        You had me sold at 'Bus Ride'. Why the hell am I wasting my time/money in NYC if I could take a bus here!? Oh right… cause I would have to take the bus.

        • Asian Laxbro says:

          Hate to say he's somewhat right. My GF is Chinese and she told me the second richest man in China had an affair exposed and shipped himself and the family to Fort Lee to live in the US while the Chinese media frenzy died down. Nobody here knows who the hell he is and he damn well likes it that way.

        • guest says:

          The bus is maybe 10 mins, but unfortunately its from the A train at 175th Street. The views however are amazing.

    • guest says:

      $225/month to meet UWS cougs > $450 for bottle of ketel one to impress long island tramps

  14. NakedShort says:

    Hey asshole you're supposed to stuff the stocks in the FRONT of your Speedo, not the back.

  15. Motivated Guest says:

    So, I guess we can rule out Castle Oak?

  16. guest says:

    I'm really disappointed that Laxbro felt he had to consult the Times on his fantasy dilemmas instead of relying on the commentariat here.

    • PermaGuestII says:

      Pretty sure that if it was Laxbro telling the story he'd have taken her into the locker room and banged her doggy-style; the advice would be whether not answering her subsequent texts would be bad for his career.

  17. Everyone says:

    What's classic about a Speedo?

  18. Chip Chipperson says:

    I guess she looking for dicks or sumptin……

  19. Guest says:

    The odds of a woman wearing a thong bikini to swim laps at a gym are about the same for this guys story being true.

  20. Bob says:

    This is obviously an untrue story. There are way too many details provided for this to be real. How many 22 year old Jims are there from Fort Lee, NJ with a 30 year-old female boss on Wall Street?

    • guest says:

      Agree. Even if he said Ft Lee only to disguise the fact that he lives somewhere else, the remaining specificity here would hang him.