Former Goldman Sachs Trader Suggests Your Spouse Won’t Notice How Bad Your Bonus Was If You Walk Around The House Flashing That Huge Wad of One Dollar Bills

Sixty-percent of the time it works every time.

Anton Kreil, the ex-Goldman Sachs trader-turned trader-teacher, suggested that the best way to communicate a penurious bonus to a spouse would be to withdraw the bonus from the bank and to present it to him/her in bundles of notes. “Money always looks like a lot more when you actually see it physically,” said Kreil. “If I had a disappointing bonus, I’d withdraw it all and give it to my wife for her to count.” If you’re bonus is bad, you should try to evince empathy in your spouse, advised Lex Van Dam, another ex-Goldman trader. “Come in with tears in your eyes and look like you’re about to faint,” he said. “She’ll immediately know and you won’t have to explain too much.”

How to tell your wife — or husband — you got a bad bonus [eFinancial]

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37 Responses to “Former Goldman Sachs Trader Suggests Your Spouse Won’t Notice How Bad Your Bonus Was If You Walk Around The House Flashing That Huge Wad of One Dollar Bills”

  1. Im_a_Dude says:

    Better yet, take it in bags of pennies and she'll never be able to count it!
    you can tell her you got like a 3k bonus and its really only 40 bux in loose change!

    UBS MD

  2. derp says:

    Please. If I wan't to throw money at a woman while holding back tears, she ain't gonna be my wife.

  3. UBS fat b'strd Quant says:

    We take our bonus as used taco bell wrappers.

  4. Not Laxbro says:

    Any tips on how to communicate info about a lackluster bonus to multiple parties via mass text?

  5. Anton Krull says:

    I also did this with my dick when we dated.

  6. Mighty Taco says:

    Or better yet, tell your wife instead of a cash bonus, you accepted…….. an all inclusive trip to the University of San Diego School of Law Transfer Pricing Conference! That's right babe! You, me, and the beach! Actually we probably won't have time for the beach, but you can probably catch a view of it as we ride our Kia Rio rental car from the air port Ramada Inn to the San Diego Conference Center. Well honey, wadda think?!

    • not a cool guy says:

      Mock the ads if you want, but they're working.

      Last friday, my meetings ended early so I went to the 5th fl of the Puck building and got myself some warby parkers….

  7. Guest says:

    "Trading is what I do for living. Financial education is my way of giving back to society.’

    – Lex Van Dam

    PS – his trading course is discounted from $799 to $199 at the moment. Act quickly!

  8. Guest says:

    Any advice on how to communicate to the spouse that you got sixteen hours of leave instead of twenty-four as your annual bonus?

    – Government Regulator

  9. MS Procrastinator MD says:

    Can't I just defer having to have this conversation until my bonus is actually payable?

  10. Ernest Hemingway says:

    Since when did rich men listen/care about what their trophy wives have to say??

    The best part of keeping such women is that you can toss them when they get too lippy.

    Jesus fucking Christ on a cross, grow a fucking pair already ladies.

  11. guest says:

    Maybe if she came home with a stack of singles every night, my bonus wouldn't be such a big deal.

  12. PermaGuestII says:

    Getting a shitty bonus: common.

    Getting your bank to send the Feds a suspicious transaction report on you because of abnormal cash withdrawals >$10k: priceless.

    -AML quant

    • Optimistic UBS MD says:

      So not having to worry about the iOS upgrade thanks to a lack of a family iPad and also being able to deploy the above referenced strategy free of the concerns you just mentioned, things are looking better and better everyday!

    • Guest says:

      Assuming a little much on the comp. #, are we?

    • UBS M&A says:

      is that a division of BAML ?

  13. Gunthar says:

    If I show my wife big wad of singles, does it mean I'll have to ask a stripper to pack my brown lunch bag for next day? Could I take default insurance on that transaction.

    UBS Swaps quant.

  14. VonSloneker says:

    Yes, the "pimp roll" diversionary tactic will work…if your wife is a ho.

    – Velvet Jones

  15. Mrs_Slocombe says:

    Who the hell tells their wife about their bonus.

    – Surreptitious Cayman Depositor

  16. rbsopsguy says:

    The good news for most of the guys who work for me is that I am keeping almost all of the money for me! You won't have to have that awkward conversation…….

    Scottie Ikill

  17. Guest says:

    Your you're bonus. Its wonder it's a living for this guy.

  18. mailroom says:

    how do you do this with 0?