Sixty-percent of the time it works every time.

Anton Kreil, the ex-Goldman Sachs trader-turned trader-teacher, suggested that the best way to communicate a penurious bonus to a spouse would be to withdraw the bonus from the bank and to present it to him/her in bundles of notes. “Money always looks like a lot more when you actually see it physically,” said Kreil. “If I had a disappointing bonus, I’d withdraw it all and give it to my wife for her to count.” If you’re bonus is bad, you should try to evince empathy in your spouse, advised Lex Van Dam, another ex-Goldman trader. “Come in with tears in your eyes and look like you’re about to faint,” he said. “She’ll immediately know and you won’t have to explain too much.”

How to tell your wife — or husband — you got a bad bonus [eFinancial]

37 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (37)

  1. Posted by Im_a_Dude | February 19, 2013 at 2:01 PM

    Better yet, take it in bags of pennies and she'll never be able to count it!
    you can tell her you got like a 3k bonus and its really only 40 bux in loose change!

    UBS MD

  2. Posted by derp | February 19, 2013 at 2:04 PM

    Please. If I wan't to throw money at a woman while holding back tears, she ain't gonna be my wife.

  3. Posted by UBS fat b'strd Quant | February 19, 2013 at 2:06 PM

    We take our bonus as used taco bell wrappers.

  4. Posted by Not Laxbro | February 19, 2013 at 2:09 PM

    Any tips on how to communicate info about a lackluster bonus to multiple parties via mass text?

  5. Posted by RBS Penn Statn Quant | February 19, 2013 at 2:12 PM

    Damn, you guys are getting that much ass huh?

  6. Posted by Anton Krull | February 19, 2013 at 2:13 PM

    I also did this with my dick when we dated.

  7. Posted by Mighty Taco | February 19, 2013 at 2:15 PM

    Or better yet, tell your wife instead of a cash bonus, you accepted…….. an all inclusive trip to the University of San Diego School of Law Transfer Pricing Conference! That's right babe! You, me, and the beach! Actually we probably won't have time for the beach, but you can probably catch a view of it as we ride our Kia Rio rental car from the air port Ramada Inn to the San Diego Conference Center. Well honey, wadda think?!

  8. Posted by Guest | February 19, 2013 at 2:15 PM

    "Trading is what I do for living. Financial education is my way of giving back to society.’

    – Lex Van Dam

    PS – his trading course is discounted from $799 to $199 at the moment. Act quickly!

  9. Posted by Guest | February 19, 2013 at 2:17 PM

    Any advice on how to communicate to the spouse that you got sixteen hours of leave instead of twenty-four as your annual bonus?

    – Government Regulator

  10. Posted by MS Procrastinator MD | February 19, 2013 at 2:26 PM

    Can't I just defer having to have this conversation until my bonus is actually payable?

  11. Posted by Ernest Hemingway | February 19, 2013 at 2:33 PM

    Since when did rich men listen/care about what their trophy wives have to say??

    The best part of keeping such women is that you can toss them when they get too lippy.

    Jesus fucking Christ on a cross, grow a fucking pair already ladies.

  12. Posted by guest | February 19, 2013 at 2:35 PM

    Maybe if she came home with a stack of singles every night, my bonus wouldn't be such a big deal.

  13. Posted by UBS fat b'strd Quant | February 19, 2013 at 2:38 PM

    Buy an iPhone.

  14. Posted by UBS fat b'strd Quant | February 19, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    or too old

  15. Posted by PermaGuestII | February 19, 2013 at 2:49 PM

    Getting a shitty bonus: common.

    Getting your bank to send the Feds a suspicious transaction report on you because of abnormal cash withdrawals >$10k: priceless.

    -AML quant

  16. Posted by Impressed | February 19, 2013 at 2:50 PM


  17. Posted by Not Laxbro | February 19, 2013 at 2:53 PM

    But that's just like asking a cab driver to steal/fail to return it when it falls out of my pocket on the was back from Murray Hill.

  18. Posted by Optimistic UBS MD | February 19, 2013 at 2:54 PM

    So not having to worry about the iOS upgrade thanks to a lack of a family iPad and also being able to deploy the above referenced strategy free of the concerns you just mentioned, things are looking better and better everyday!

  19. Posted by ex-Lehman FX | February 19, 2013 at 2:55 PM

    The wife always has tears in her eyes when I come in. Why is bonus day different?

  20. Posted by not a cool guy | February 19, 2013 at 3:07 PM

    Mock the ads if you want, but they're working.

    Last friday, my meetings ended early so I went to the 5th fl of the Puck building and got myself some warby parkers….

  21. Posted by PippyLongSausage | February 19, 2013 at 3:11 PM

    Not on my watch, hipster.


  22. Posted by BallThings2 | February 19, 2013 at 3:40 PM

    And then proceed to smack her upside the head with the bag of coins. Knock her out to show who's the bosssss.

  23. Posted by Guest | February 19, 2013 at 3:44 PM

    Assuming a little much on the comp. #, are we?

  24. Posted by Guest | February 19, 2013 at 3:55 PM

    I prefer cricket bats.

    – Oscar P.

  25. Posted by Gunthar | February 19, 2013 at 4:01 PM

    If I show my wife big wad of singles, does it mean I'll have to ask a stripper to pack my brown lunch bag for next day? Could I take default insurance on that transaction.

    UBS Swaps quant.

  26. Posted by UBS M&A | February 19, 2013 at 4:32 PM

    is that a division of BAML ?

  27. Posted by Guest | February 19, 2013 at 5:06 PM

    You did fine with Hemingway's sentiment, but you failed in delivery.

  28. Posted by VonSloneker | February 19, 2013 at 5:37 PM

    Yes, the "pimp roll" diversionary tactic will work…if your wife is a ho.

    – Velvet Jones

  29. Posted by VonSloneker | February 19, 2013 at 5:49 PM

    Too soon. I have advanced you a +1 for roughly two weeks from now.

    – Digital Approval Quant

  30. Posted by Mrs_Slocombe | February 19, 2013 at 6:08 PM

    Who the hell tells their wife about their bonus.

    – Surreptitious Cayman Depositor

  31. Posted by WTF__k | February 19, 2013 at 6:13 PM

    Since I don't do +1s in my margin account, I just advanced you one now. But it IS too soon.

  32. Posted by Guest | February 19, 2013 at 6:33 PM

    No one ever pays MY bonus in trident layers

  33. Posted by rbsopsguy | February 19, 2013 at 6:37 PM

    The good news for most of the guys who work for me is that I am keeping almost all of the money for me! You won't have to have that awkward conversation…….

    Scottie Ikill

  34. Posted by Guest | February 19, 2013 at 8:20 PM

    Your you're bonus. Its wonder it's a living for this guy.

  35. Posted by Winchester | February 20, 2013 at 7:47 AM

    Shut up, old man.
    –Hemingway's shotgun, 1961

  36. Posted by Top Cheese | February 20, 2013 at 9:22 AM

    Ha, like she can even count 100 dollar bills?

  37. Posted by mailroom | February 22, 2013 at 3:01 PM

    how do you do this with 0?