Opening Bell: 02.08.13

Barclays CEO’s Ethics Talk Drowns Out Silence on Profit (Bloomberg)
Jenkins, who took over after Robert Diamond departed in the wake of the bank’s fine for rigging Libor, is set to reveal the conclusions of his six-month review of the lender’s operations at London’s Royal Horticultural Halls on Feb. 12. While he may cut about 2,000 jobs, pledge to reform culture and reduce pay to boost returns, he’s unlikely to follow UBS AG and eliminate entire business lines, according to investors and analysts. That’s because the securities unit that Diamond built out of the remains of Barclays De Zoete Wedd over the 15 years from 1996 still contributes about half of the lender’s profit.

Meredith Whitney Pans New Citi Chief Corbat (NYP)
“He didn’t give us an agenda and he didn’t even give us a stamp for when he’s going to give us an agenda, so it left people a little bit uninspired,” she said during an interview with Bloomberg TV yesterday.

Deutsche Bank Said to Fire 10 Traders as Banks Retrench (Bloomberg)
Deutsche Bank AG fired between 10 and 12 European power and natural gas traders in London as it cuts staff trading physical commodities, two people with knowledge of the matter said. There are at least two traders still unwinding positions as Europe’s biggest lender is reducing trading in physical energy markets, said the people, who asked for anonymity because the information is private. Nick Bone, a company spokesman in London, declined to comment when reached yesterday by phone.

Buffett’s Son Says He’s Prepared Whole Life for Berkshire Role (Bloomberg)
Protecting Berkshire’s culture “means that I need to make sure that people feel that they’ve been treated fairly, that whatever my dad committed to them remains committed,” Howard Buffett, 58, said in an interview with Bloomberg Television’s Betty Liu, airing today. The younger Buffett is a director of Coca-Cola Co., the world’s largest soft-drink maker, and once was the head of investor relations for Archer-Daniels-Midland Co. He said observing his father has helped him get ready to lead a board that also includes Microsoft Corp. co-founder Bill Gates and Stephen Burke, CEO of Comcast Corp.’s NBC Universal unit. “In a way, I’ve been preparing for it all my life,” Buffett told Liu. “In another way, I’ve been on the Berkshire board now 20 years. That’s a preparation.”

Justin Timberlake Named Creative Director of Bud Light Platinum (Billboard)
As part of the deal, Timberlake will be charged with providing “creative, musical and cultural curation” for the Bud Light Platinum brand, per a press release announcing the partnership. Additional terms were not disclosed. “Bud Light Platinum brings a refined, discerning aesthetic to beer that plays well with what I’m doing,” Timberlake said in a statement.

Monte Paschi says considering legal action to protect business (Reuters)
talian bank Monte dei Paschi said on Friday it is considering legal action against anyone who damages its commercial activity or spreads false information about the bank. In a statement, the bank said it had become the target of “attacks of various kinds involving, in certain circumstances, employees, creating considerable problems in the normal course of business. It said it was considering civil and penal action.

Audacious Hack Exposes Bush Family Pix, E-Mail (TSG)
The hacker also intercepted photos that George W. Bush e-mailed two months ago to his sister showing paintings that he was working on, including self-portraits of him showering and in a bathtub. Another image shows the former president painting at the family’s Maine retreat.

Goldman Readies Fund Business For ‘Volcker’ (WSJ)
For 20 years, Goldman wooed clients to invest in its private-equity funds with the security blanket that the bank and its partners went along for the same ride. But that is about to change. The looming “Volcker rule” is expected to sharply reduce the bank’s investment in its own funds. That is forcing Goldman to make major changes in a $50 billion business that has reaped big profits for the bank and its employees and clients. Goldman likely will have to shrink the size of its own investment in its funds to just 3% from as much as 37% once the rule is finalized later this summer. The rule, part of the Dodd-Frank financial-overhaul law and named after former Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker, aims to restrict banks from making big bets with their own money. Goldman expects new funds it raises will be considerably smaller. The New York bank also will change the name of the business to avoid referencing its own name. GS Capital Partners and future funds may become “Broad Street,” referring to both the firm’s old headquarters and its first leveraged-buyout fund launched in 1986, according to people involved in the business.

Ex-Tyco chief gets another chance at parole (NYP)
Kozlowski was denied parole in April when state officials tossed out his application saying his release was not “compatible with the welfare of society at large.” But in a ruling made public today, Justice Carol Huff this week called that decision “an unauthorized re-sentencing” of Kozlowski, adding that it lacked specifics. In making its decision, she said, the parole board must consider other factors beyond the crime including the inmate’s institutional record, which the tycoon asserted is exemplary.

The Politics Of Chris Christie’s Weight (WSJ)
The latest chatter about Mr. Christie’s heaviness began on the “Late Show With David Letterman,” when he pulled out a pastry and began eating as the comic asked whether his frequent jokes about the overweight Republican were offensive. The day after the good-natured stunt, Mr. Christie opened up about his struggles to lose weight. Later, a former White House physician, Connie Mariano, said she worried his weight made him a “time-bomb” at risk of dying in office. Mr. Christie quickly shot back, calling Dr. Mariano a fame-seeking “hack” who didn’t know his health history and was needlessly worrying his children. On Thursday, Dr. Mariano, who attended to presidents George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, said she stood by her assessment. “When I see someone of that size, I worry about various medical issues,” she said. “It was not meant to be an attack on him personally.”

69 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (69)

  1. Posted by Snow Date! | February 8, 2013 at 9:46 AM

    1st

  2. Posted by wrong site mo | February 8, 2013 at 9:48 AM

    infantile

  3. Posted by Cares? Nope | February 8, 2013 at 9:49 AM

    Who cares. Opening Bell is beat. Wud eva still got a 10inch penis.

  4. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 9:50 AM

    What goes up Must come down.

    -UBS Physicist Quant

  5. Posted by VonSloneker | February 8, 2013 at 9:51 AM

    Bring it on down to Bud Lite-ville!!

    - Obligatory post guy

    [youtube n8xnSl1e9e8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8xnSl1e9e8 youtube]

  6. Posted by Shazar | February 8, 2013 at 9:54 AM

    Was always more of a Schmitts fan myself.

  7. Posted by Bored Guest | February 8, 2013 at 9:54 AM

    Bud Light & "refined" should never appear in the same sentence together. C'mon JT, GTFO.

  8. Posted by Guest | February 8, 2013 at 9:55 AM

    One would think the Post could spell "Blow" correctly.

  9. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 9:55 AM

    I don’t think that means what you think it does.
    - Dante Hicks

  10. Posted by Howard Ackman, age 8 | February 8, 2013 at 9:55 AM

    Duly noted.

  11. Posted by Guest | February 8, 2013 at 9:58 AM

    The Shazacalypse is upon us! Repent and maybe you will wet 10% off your next purchase at D'Agostinos.

  12. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 10:10 AM

    BarCap’s new prop desk looks good. I was wondering how they would circumvent regulation.

    Eat it Dodd-Frank!

  13. Posted by Laxbro | February 8, 2013 at 10:14 AM

    Saw Christie on Letterman and it was funny when he rattled off a few of his fav Letterman jokes. "Celebrity birthday today — Chris Christie turned 50. He blew out the candles on his cake, and he wished for another cake." Hilarious. Even when he pulled the donut out of his suit pocket – twice – I chuckled. But when he tried to laugh off binging on fried food during a recent trip to New Orleans it became clear, he really can't control himself. It's pathetic and weak and disgusting. I'm not saying he has to handcuff himself to an elliptical but Jesus, at least try to make some positive decisions when you grub. Just last month I stopped talking to a chick because she dipped her slice of pizza in ranch when we were wasted. On Saturday I told the med student she was "gorgeous and super skinny" (girls love being called skinny). She told me to guess her weight. I said 110. She said 117. I said, "How long would it take you to get to 110?" On Tuesday I grabbed a coffee with an old slam I haven't seen in a while. I ordered for us, "Short bold for me and she'll have a double tall non-fat latte." Just by ordering her latte she knew what she needed to do if she wanted another chance, i.e. shake about 3 kilos from her frame.

  14. Posted by Herr Köstritzer | February 8, 2013 at 10:21 AM

    I never understood America's love for Budweiser. But, lately, sales have dropped significantly, due to the great selection of home brews, etc. I am just shocked that it took so long for Americasn to wake up.

  15. Posted by Skinny Chic says | February 8, 2013 at 10:21 AM
  16. Posted by Guest | February 8, 2013 at 10:23 AM

    With fat chicks – everybody loses

  17. Posted by VonSloneker | February 8, 2013 at 10:26 AM

    There is something seriously wrong with you if you don't like pizza dipped in ranch dressing…

  18. Posted by Bored Guest | February 8, 2013 at 10:28 AM

    Dude, high five Lax! My slam once replied "yes" when the waiter asked if she'd like to see the dessert menu, so I had to leap across the table and choke her out on the spot. Restaurant understood, hell NO ONE likes fat chicks.

  19. Posted by Antitrust Quant | February 8, 2013 at 10:30 AM

    So you'd say it's a robust and competitive market that Budweiser has little or no pricing power in? Great, love where you're going with this.

  20. Posted by PippyLongSausage | February 8, 2013 at 10:32 AM

    laxbro, you're methods may be effective but a little too direct.

    Try obviously checking out slim/fit girls when your slambabes are around. Wistfully speak about your ex-gf who did yoga 5 times a week and how you were so into the fact she took care of herself. Your slambabes will get the message. Communicate covertly son and they will realize that nothing tastes as good as skinny.

  21. Posted by Tales from the Burbs | February 8, 2013 at 10:32 AM

    This is terrible and I know I shouldnt have done it, but I have a sick mind. Call it revenge for my neighbor cutting his grass before 7am on a Saturday and living in suburban hell. Anyhow, having a block party and thinking about what I could bring. Got the idea of bringing some home brew. Start making the stuff about 2 months out. While making it, thoughts of revenge keep playing over in my head. I first begin by submerging my nut sack into the beer, then the tip of the shaft, then balls deep. Before I know it I'm spooging in it and stiring it with my pecker. The 2 months past, and it's time for the party. Start handing out bottles of the stuff and people are chugging it with joy. Less than an hour into the party and I'm already claiming victory.

  22. Posted by Guesti | February 8, 2013 at 10:35 AM

    Meredith Whitney is the WORST

  23. Posted by Guest | February 8, 2013 at 10:35 AM

    Twat self cleaning? Does a cow shit?

  24. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 10:35 AM

    "Audacious Hack Exposes Bush Family Pix, E-Mail (TSG)"?

    Should be "Audacious Hack Exposes Bush"

    Dont you know how to troll for clicks?

    -Business Insider

  25. Posted by Guest | February 8, 2013 at 10:36 AM

    If you need to say a product is "refined", it isn't. It's like the old rule: if you need to say a photo shoot is "tasteful", it isn't.

  26. Posted by VonSloneker | February 8, 2013 at 10:39 AM

    Respect

    - Michael Kevin Lallana

  27. Posted by Incitatus | February 8, 2013 at 10:42 AM

    Not trying to go all philosophical on you 'Bro, but I think it's inaccurate to say that a caged animal is "disciplined" for being in its cage.

  28. Posted by Downstream M&A Guy | February 8, 2013 at 10:43 AM

    Hey!

  29. Posted by Laxbro | February 8, 2013 at 10:44 AM

    To be clear, I don't think like bonafide rexic puppies are hot but I do have a thing for defined collar bones and like super subtle rib cage visibility. Chicks who mostly exist on coffee, wine and froyo are hella ideal. The only cardio they need is in the bedroom and it's totally chill if every great while they demo some pasta or pizza (but they'd never kill the vibe by puting ranch on it).

  30. Posted by Incitatus | February 8, 2013 at 10:45 AM

    "[I]t became clear, he really can't control himself. It's pathetic and weak and disgusting… [A]t least try to make some positive decisions…"

    Oh Lord, the irony… can't… process… can't…. aahhhgggghh……

  31. Posted by Dick Fucking Fuld | February 8, 2013 at 10:46 AM

    Yep

  32. Posted by Total long | February 8, 2013 at 10:49 AM

    It must be the charm that does it. Either that or the intellect.

  33. Posted by Guest | February 8, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    I love the fact that you apparently had no problem with your companion consuming a large portion of alcohol, but you were shocked and appalled that she would put a little ranch dressing on her pizza. Oh sure, alcohol may be high in calories and, when you get down to it, a toxic substance that the body treats as a poison, but ranch dressing – well, a guy's got to draw the line somewhere, am I right?

  34. Posted by NakedShort | February 8, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    cool story bro…dont get me started

  35. Posted by Deleveraging | February 8, 2013 at 10:55 AM

    I have a buddy that works here in the city with a hedge fund and has a girlfriend that he is getting serious with. His ex-wife was dumb and took a low six figure settlement. He has told the girlfriend that no only will there be a pre-nup agreement; but that it will contain a "fat-chick clause" whereby she waives all financial rights in the event the marriage fails and she has turned into a slob.

  36. Posted by R. Farva | February 8, 2013 at 10:56 AM

    Schlitz?

  37. Posted by Laxbro | February 8, 2013 at 10:57 AM

    Um.. booze leads to fun sex with a 23 yo. Ranch dressing leads to a 23 yo with a fat face.

  38. Posted by Cut in Transco Z 10 | February 8, 2013 at 10:58 AM

    What is up with the fucking "hella" adjectives? I thought Australians were the only ones who used that fucking term. Probably because of those dumbass skin tight shorts they wear and that stupid hat that seems to go with it. I still think you're a girl. A girl trying to write like a man. A girl trying to write like a man with recently shaved nuts. A girl trying to write like a man with recently shaved nuts who trades gas for Deutsche Bank AG in Europe. Yes, a nut shaved gas trader for Deutsche Bank AG and the "AG", in your case stands for "anal gland".

  39. Posted by Alcoholic VP | February 8, 2013 at 10:59 AM

    If you think passing yourself off as Mormon is going to help you get a job based on some linkage to Romney, you're wrong.

  40. Posted by 0 F'n Fat | February 8, 2013 at 11:00 AM

    Guys, guys, guys! The future is now and it has a name! Hidden Valley Fat Free Ranch!

  41. Posted by Bored Guest | February 8, 2013 at 11:05 AM

    Dude – get started. I'm probably leaving early and a quality NS update would be a sweet parting gift for the week.

  42. Posted by Bobby Neutrino | February 8, 2013 at 11:09 AM

    Timberlake is the fucking rake.

  43. Posted by Laxbro | February 8, 2013 at 11:17 AM

    Desserts are acceptable but her spoon should be put down after 2-3 bites. (yes, I'm counting)

  44. Posted by guest | February 8, 2013 at 11:19 AM

    agree!

    -big ten sorority girls

  45. Posted by Michael Douglas | February 8, 2013 at 11:22 AM

    Better than Shia

  46. Posted by Gabby Giffords | February 8, 2013 at 11:30 AM

    O Canada!
    Our home and native land!
    True patriot love in all thy sons command.

    With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
    The True North strong and free!

    From far and wide,
    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

    God keep our land glorious and free!
    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

    Yee Haw!

  47. Posted by Good Times Quant | February 8, 2013 at 11:31 AM

    Dell merger agreement is up on EDGAR: http://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgar/data/826083/000

    Get pumped Matt!

  48. Posted by Kane | February 8, 2013 at 11:34 AM

    Ms. Giffords that's the Canadian National Anthem, that's not a NS update. Good try though.

  49. Posted by Sonny's son | February 8, 2013 at 11:35 AM

    He's a balloon boy!

  50. Posted by PermaGuestII | February 8, 2013 at 12:03 PM

    "…in my ass."

  51. Posted by PermaGuestII | February 8, 2013 at 12:08 PM

    That's how to do it, Brito! Who cares about product quality- spend your dollars on marketing! That's how you'll be dominant *forever*!

    -Schlitz Brewing executive from 1972

  52. Posted by femmed out | February 8, 2013 at 12:11 PM

    It's like ordering lite beer.

    "coors lite " " bud lite "

    wince heavy

  53. Posted by barry soetoro | February 8, 2013 at 12:13 PM

    passing can work

  54. Posted by modelo chair | February 8, 2013 at 12:14 PM

    exactly

  55. Posted by wrong site mo | February 8, 2013 at 12:16 PM

    I saw her dippin a slice in ranch.

    Caloric concerns aside it is just naus.

  56. Posted by Shazar@Chrysler | February 8, 2013 at 12:22 PM

    Loving the advice, now that we're starting to get these union costs under control we're going to execute on this until the cows come home, to a farmer.

  57. Posted by NakedShort | February 8, 2013 at 12:38 PM

    And on the eighth day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, “I need a snarky asshole.” So God made a Dealbreaker commenter.

    God said, “I need somebody willing to get up after a night of binge drinking, crush a Red Bull, work all day correcting the font in a pitch book, crush more Red Bull, log onto Seamless and order food they wont eat , then go to out on the town and stay up past midnight head to the Penn Station Taco Bell and convince two sisters from Staten Island to have a three way.” So God made a Dealbreaker commenter.

    God said, “I need somebody willing to stay up all night as a wing man for his bro and watch him go down in flames, then dry his eyes and say,’Maybe next weekend,’ I need somebody who can shape a CDO from a pile of garbage, land an aspiring model with the sight of his Chase debit card, who can make a food challenge out of the leftovers in the office freezer, Coffee-Mate Hazelnut and the bottom third of the vending machine. Who, during the pending IPO and roadshow will finish his 100-hour week by Tuesday noon and then, paining from sleeping on the office couch back, put in another 72 hours.” So God made the Dealbreaker commenter.

    God said, “I need somebody strong and dickish enough to be unrelenting to new commenters and contributors , yet gentle enough to yean new memes to their full fruition and tend to the Opening Bell thread throughout the day, who will stop his commenting for an hour to splint the spirit of a commenter by furiously giving him or her Thumbs up.”

    It had to be somebody who’d plow deep and straight and not cut corners (thats what she said). Somebody to slam, crush, trade, screw, and snort, and puke, and blow bonus money, and point out the shortcomings of others and punch people in the face at Minetta's. Somebody who’d bale a community of anonymous "Guests" together with the soft, strong bonds of saracasm, snark and a culture of malice , who would laugh, and then sigh and then reply with smiling eyes when his son says that he wants to spend his work days commenting on a finance website like what Dad does. “So God made a Dealbreaker commenter.”

  58. Posted by PermaGuestII | February 8, 2013 at 12:44 PM

    Damn I wish I could give this multiple thumbs-up

  59. Posted by Kanye | February 8, 2013 at 12:46 PM

    Where were the emails with the racist humor? Not the Bush I know.

  60. Posted by Im_a_Dude | February 8, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    did they have a special day of creation, like the 11th day or something?

  61. Posted by John Shazar | February 8, 2013 at 2:04 PM

    I can already tell this post will have more thumbs up than I'll see in my entire lifetime

  62. Posted by Mrs_Slocombe | February 8, 2013 at 2:16 PM

    Can I get that with a side of drunk 23 year old chick and a double vodka?

  63. Posted by The Real Shazzman | February 8, 2013 at 2:26 PM

    Thumbs up where?

  64. Posted by WTF__k | February 8, 2013 at 2:37 PM

    And you're able to fit the entire thing in your mouth? Impressive. Whose it is?

  65. Posted by Guest | February 8, 2013 at 3:02 PM

    I just felt what I think the actual version of this was supposed to make me feel.

  66. Posted by Matt Foley | February 8, 2013 at 3:11 PM

    No, he got it right: http://www.hulu.com/watch/280873

  67. Posted by Cut in Transco Z 12 | February 8, 2013 at 3:53 PM

    Hey!

  68. Posted by Mr Captan | February 8, 2013 at 3:55 PM

    Gas traders!

  69. Posted by my man shaz | February 8, 2013 at 5:10 PM

    God? No god