• 13 Feb 2013 at 2:27 PM

UBS Needs Help Selecting Items For Its Time Capsule

Separately, the bank also needs to hire a bunch of interns for this summer’s “Emerging Talent Program.” Enter: two birds, one stone:

In your application, we’ll also look for evidence of skills such as problem analysis, judgment and decision making, planning and organizing, communication, drive and commitment, teamwork and innovation. You must be available from July 7 – August 3, 2013. Applicants are asked to submit a one-page essay (saved in word or .pdf format) answering the following question: “What would you suggest UBS put in its next 150 year time capsule to be opened in year 2162?”

Anniversary watches, branded tea cups, a copy of Kweku Adoboli’s “sorry to leave you in a jam” email, and clip-on ties are already on the list so please, think outside the box.

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Comments (52)

  1. Posted by PokeMyEyeOut | February 13, 2013 at 2:28 PM

    How about the entire UBS Executive Committee? Throw in a box of donuts for good measure.

  2. Posted by Excel | February 13, 2013 at 2:30 PM

    How about an income statement showing a profit, though they would have to go dig through the past to find one.

  3. Posted by Kweku | February 13, 2013 at 2:33 PM

    A UBS branded swatch watch

  4. Posted by Bandersnatch | February 13, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    A book on basic math skills: 2013 + 150 = 2163.

  5. Posted by Creepy Idea Guy | February 13, 2013 at 2:41 PM

    Cryogenically frozen Carsten?

  6. Posted by Im_a_Dude | February 13, 2013 at 2:42 PM

    Smartass, you forgot about the Leap year.

    UBS Quant MD

  7. Posted by Kyle Bass | February 13, 2013 at 2:49 PM

    A bunch of nickels.

  8. Posted by Guest | February 13, 2013 at 2:53 PM

    A '97 Accord with a CT vanity plate UBSSUX

  9. Posted by Guest | February 13, 2013 at 2:54 PM

    A prelude.

  10. Posted by Guest | February 13, 2013 at 2:57 PM

    A pic of some celebs lip slips.

  11. Posted by Ownowl | February 13, 2013 at 3:00 PM

    A copy of all the essays from all the douchers that applied for a good laugh.

  12. Posted by Guest | February 13, 2013 at 3:01 PM

    Jizz rag

  13. Posted by Kirk | February 13, 2013 at 3:06 PM

    Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity

  14. Posted by 1285 AofA | February 13, 2013 at 3:08 PM

    A bottle of mike stewart's hair gel

  15. Posted by Alpha_Bets | February 13, 2013 at 3:09 PM

    A sealed mason jar with a fart inside. Duh.

  16. Posted by Marty | February 13, 2013 at 3:09 PM

    The jizz rag is the ultimate symbol of the human condition. Good news, you've passed.

  17. Posted by small pox | February 13, 2013 at 3:10 PM

    small pox

  18. Posted by Mrs_Slocombe | February 13, 2013 at 3:10 PM

    “In your application, we’ll also look for evidence of skills such as problem analysis, judgment and decision making, planning and organizing, communication, drive and commitment, teamwork and innovation.”

    …..So, basically, what we are really saying is ”the right applicant will have the demonstrated ability to procure smoking-hot young coeds to travel to Nantucket/Hamptons to service senior executives, all while dodging said executive’s unwitting spouses, and paying for same through creative expense report accounting”

  19. Posted by RIP | February 13, 2013 at 3:11 PM

    Various Aleksey Vayner memorabilia:

    1 – Cover letter
    1 – Resume
    1 – Signed glamour shot
    1 – Digi player pre-loaded with his video resume

  20. Posted by Mr Upton | February 13, 2013 at 3:18 PM

    I just destroyed a Kate Upton swimsuit edition cover, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap

  21. Posted by Lotus 1-2-3 | February 13, 2013 at 3:21 PM

    I'm here for them. Anytime.

  22. Posted by Dyslexic guy | February 13, 2013 at 3:25 PM

    A USB stick

  23. Posted by Alex Stone | February 13, 2013 at 3:30 PM

    Too Soon

  24. Posted by Guest | February 13, 2013 at 3:33 PM

    A commodore 64 so they can process all that trading volume.

  25. Posted by Guest | February 13, 2013 at 3:46 PM

    The remains of the 'UBS sucks' guy along with a bracelet of Jimmy Hoffa.

  26. Posted by PermaGuestII | February 13, 2013 at 3:47 PM

    Five gold fillings and a cancelled share of PWJ common.

  27. Posted by 3rd grade teacher | February 13, 2013 at 4:06 PM

    "its next 150 year time capsule"

    can we talk about the first one?

  28. Posted by Comment Umpire | February 13, 2013 at 4:07 PM

    Stee-rike!

  29. Posted by RichardCripples | February 13, 2013 at 4:10 PM

    An explanation on why they believe UBS will still be around in 150 years.

  30. Posted by TLDR guy | February 13, 2013 at 4:11 PM

    TLDR

  31. Posted by Too-serious guy | February 13, 2013 at 4:15 PM

    Org chart and a CDO offering memo. Plus a list of their PB clients with >$100mm in assets.

  32. Posted by Jamie | February 13, 2013 at 4:26 PM

    When I was young, I found a magic lamp on the beach. As I rubbed the bottle, a genie popped out and gave me a choice between perfect memory or a giant cock. For the life of me, I can't remember which one I chose.

  33. Posted by For starters | February 13, 2013 at 4:29 PM

    Napoleon's France-to-Russia map. Rudder from the Hindenberg. Titanic ship's manifest. Oh, and current list of UBS Executive Committee.

  34. Posted by Guest | February 13, 2013 at 5:13 PM

    Ask your giant chicken if he remembers

  35. Posted by Turnip Truck | February 13, 2013 at 5:14 PM

    You forgot swag from the assault on Stalingrad.

  36. Posted by guest | February 13, 2013 at 5:18 PM

    The real question is who is going to dig up a time capsule from a company that ended nearly 150 years earlier?

  37. Posted by maninthegreysuit | February 13, 2013 at 7:02 PM

    This years bonuses* for some seriously deferred comp.

    *yes I know

  38. Posted by Texashedge | February 13, 2013 at 7:13 PM

    I think they were using a Polish calculator

  39. Posted by derp | February 13, 2013 at 6:13 PM

    Some money. They'll probably need it later.

  40. Posted by guest | February 13, 2013 at 7:17 PM

    If we bury that money today, just think of all the interest we'll dig up in 150 years!

    - UBS Loans Quant

  41. Posted by UBS Sucks | February 13, 2013 at 9:11 PM

    Why would they embark on this exercise? Does anyone really think that UBS is going to be around in 2162?

  42. Posted by Guest | February 13, 2013 at 9:43 PM

    The original tape of Wall Street 2 to remind them that as much as UBS sucked, there was something at that time that sucked even more.

  43. Posted by barstool | February 14, 2013 at 12:24 AM

    Mr Upton? So… you're either her brother, father, or uncle.

    Queer.

  44. Posted by Shia da Gucci mane | February 14, 2013 at 12:26 AM

    Hey!

  45. Posted by GIMP | February 14, 2013 at 6:51 AM

    A used tampon

  46. Posted by Finance MD | February 14, 2013 at 8:55 AM
  47. Posted by Fico | February 14, 2013 at 9:10 AM

    Gold teeth and rusty pliers!

  48. Posted by UBS Marketing | February 14, 2013 at 12:17 PM

    UBS
    Weiners R Us

  49. Posted by EataDick | February 14, 2013 at 9:10 PM

    a video of all the IBD heads on the phone with their head hunters today outside of 299 Park in anticipation of an abysmal compensation discussion!!

  50. Posted by The Anarchist Banker | February 15, 2013 at 3:06 PM

    In all seriousness, what kind of BS is that?

  51. Posted by The Anarchist Banker | February 15, 2013 at 4:15 PM

    No wonder how they manipulated the Libor and still lost money

  52. Posted by EataDick | February 15, 2013 at 8:48 PM

    just sit back, relax and watch the IBD fall apart in the next quarter