UBS Needs Help Selecting Items For Its Time Capsule

Separately, the bank also needs to hire a bunch of interns for this summer’s “Emerging Talent Program.” Enter: two birds, one stone:

In your application, we’ll also look for evidence of skills such as problem analysis, judgment and decision making, planning and organizing, communication, drive and commitment, teamwork and innovation. You must be available from July 7 – August 3, 2013. Applicants are asked to submit a one-page essay (saved in word or .pdf format) answering the following question: “What would you suggest UBS put in its next 150 year time capsule to be opened in year 2162?”

Anniversary watches, branded tea cups, a copy of Kweku Adoboli’s “sorry to leave you in a jam” email, and clip-on ties are already on the list so please, think outside the box.

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52 Responses to “UBS Needs Help Selecting Items For Its Time Capsule”

  1. PokeMyEyeOut says:

    How about the entire UBS Executive Committee? Throw in a box of donuts for good measure.

  2. Excel says:

    How about an income statement showing a profit, though they would have to go dig through the past to find one.

  3. Kweku says:

    A UBS branded swatch watch

  4. Bandersnatch says:

    A book on basic math skills: 2013 + 150 = 2163.

  5. Creepy Idea Guy says:

    Cryogenically frozen Carsten?

  6. Kyle Bass says:

    A bunch of nickels.

  7. Guest says:

    A '97 Accord with a CT vanity plate UBSSUX

  8. Guest says:

    A prelude.

  9. Guest says:

    A pic of some celebs lip slips.

  10. Ownowl says:

    A copy of all the essays from all the douchers that applied for a good laugh.

  11. Guest says:

    Jizz rag

  12. 1285 AofA says:

    A bottle of mike stewart's hair gel

  13. Alpha_Bets says:

    A sealed mason jar with a fart inside. Duh.

  14. small pox says:

    small pox

  15. Mrs_Slocombe says:

    “In your application, we’ll also look for evidence of skills such as problem analysis, judgment and decision making, planning and organizing, communication, drive and commitment, teamwork and innovation.”

    …..So, basically, what we are really saying is ”the right applicant will have the demonstrated ability to procure smoking-hot young coeds to travel to Nantucket/Hamptons to service senior executives, all while dodging said executive’s unwitting spouses, and paying for same through creative expense report accounting”

  16. RIP says:

    Various Aleksey Vayner memorabilia:

    1 – Cover letter
    1 – Resume
    1 – Signed glamour shot
    1 – Digi player pre-loaded with his video resume

  17. Dyslexic guy says:

    A USB stick

  18. Alex Stone says:

    Too Soon

  19. Guest says:

    A commodore 64 so they can process all that trading volume.

  20. Guest says:

    The remains of the 'UBS sucks' guy along with a bracelet of Jimmy Hoffa.

  21. PermaGuestII says:

    Five gold fillings and a cancelled share of PWJ common.

  22. 3rd grade teacher says:

    "its next 150 year time capsule"

    can we talk about the first one?

  23. RichardCripples says:

    An explanation on why they believe UBS will still be around in 150 years.

  24. Too-serious guy says:

    Org chart and a CDO offering memo. Plus a list of their PB clients with >$100mm in assets.

  25. Jamie says:

    When I was young, I found a magic lamp on the beach. As I rubbed the bottle, a genie popped out and gave me a choice between perfect memory or a giant cock. For the life of me, I can't remember which one I chose.

  26. For starters says:

    Napoleon's France-to-Russia map. Rudder from the Hindenberg. Titanic ship's manifest. Oh, and current list of UBS Executive Committee.

  27. guest says:

    The real question is who is going to dig up a time capsule from a company that ended nearly 150 years earlier?

  28. derp says:

    Some money. They'll probably need it later.

  29. maninthegreysuit says:

    This years bonuses* for some seriously deferred comp.

    *yes I know

  30. guest says:

    If we bury that money today, just think of all the interest we'll dig up in 150 years!

    – UBS Loans Quant

  31. UBS Sucks says:

    Why would they embark on this exercise? Does anyone really think that UBS is going to be around in 2162?

  32. Guest says:

    The original tape of Wall Street 2 to remind them that as much as UBS sucked, there was something at that time that sucked even more.

  33. GIMP says:

    A used tampon

  34. Fico says:

    Gold teeth and rusty pliers!

  35. EataDick says:

    a video of all the IBD heads on the phone with their head hunters today outside of 299 Park in anticipation of an abysmal compensation discussion!!

  36. The Anarchist Banker says:

    In all seriousness, what kind of BS is that?

  37. EataDick says:

    just sit back, relax and watch the IBD fall apart in the next quarter